My wife is in full time care.

Danny320

Registered User
Aug 8, 2017
11
0
My wife was first diagnosed with Alzheimer's when she was 64. She is now 70 and is still very young looking. She has been in full time care for the last 20 months. We had been together since we first met when I was 15 and she was 14. I visit every day but the rest of my life is strange. My friends are great but at night when you are on your own !!!

I live in Northern Ireland and I was wondering is there a group out there in similar circumstances who could meet occasionally and scream at the sky.
 

Shedrech

Registered User
Dec 15, 2012
12,649
0
UK
hello Danny320
welcome to TP
my gosh that is a mighty time together
I like your 'scream at the sky'; how many times I've felt that when wondering how on earth to help my dad and not scream in his direction
I wonder if there are any of the services listed on the main AS site near you - here's a link
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/info/20011/find_support_near_you?_ga=2.158786362.1602440254.1501933201-213745934.1462100281#!/search
TP isn't as vast as the sky, but come back any time to chat, laugh, scream ...
best wishes
 

LadyA

Registered User
Oct 19, 2009
13,730
0
Ireland
It's very hard, Danny, to be separated after so long together. Your whole lives. It's such a cruel illness.
 

SnowWhite

Registered User
Nov 18, 2016
699
0
It must be very hard for you Danny. I imagine with visiting every day you must run out of things to talk about too. Are you able to take your wife out for a drive or a walk?

I'm sure there must be groups local to you. Have you googled what's in your area?
 

Danny320

Registered User
Aug 8, 2017
11
0
Snow White

It must be very hard for you Danny. I imagine with visiting every day you must run out of things to talk about too. Are you able to take your wife out for a drive or a walk?

I'm sure there must be groups local to you. Have you googled what's in your area?

My wife first lost her memory and then her ability to speak and understand. She knows when I am there and we do go for short walks and occasional drives - she still sort-of gives off to me about my driving ! She also seems to know when family are there but her attention span can be measured in seconds.

There must be people like me, both men and women, whose partner is in care and would like to meet up and talk about our mutual problems.
 

Danny320

Registered User
Aug 8, 2017
11
0
Shedrech

hello Danny320
welcome to TP
my gosh that is a mighty time together
I like your 'scream at the sky'; how many times I've felt that when wondering how on earth to help my dad and not scream in his direction

Thank you for your interest.
 

mab

Registered User
Mar 6, 2010
198
0
Surrey
You sound so lonely Danny.
Don't want to state the obvious... but... what about the relatives of others in care with your wife? Do you ever get the chance to talk to them and share your thoughts?
 

Philbo

Registered User
Feb 28, 2017
853
0
Kent
My wife first lost her memory and then her ability to speak and understand. She knows when I am there and we do go for short walks and occasional drives - she still sort-of gives off to me about my driving ! She also seems to know when family are there but her attention span can be measured in seconds.

There must be people like me, both men and women, whose partner is in care and would like to meet up and talk about our mutual problems.

Hi Danny

Did you attend any dementia support groups in your area before your wife moved into care?

My wife (PWD) and I go to a local group on the first Tuesday of each month. There are often people there who have either suffered a bereavement, or their loved one is in care now. They tell me they still find going to these coffee morning type sessions provide great comfort.

When I first spotted the signs that my wife's mental health was not right (and fearing what the diagnosis would be), I knew I had to do something to help keep her socialising and to build some sort of social support for myself.

So I managed to get her to visit a local pub and long story short, we've built a good group of friends. They not only keep my wife as engaged as possible but also give me strength when I need it.

Not saying you should rush of down the pub but you know what I mean?

Best wishes and good luck.

Phil
 

Danny320

Registered User
Aug 8, 2017
11
0
Mab

You sound so lonely Danny.
Don't want to state the obvious... but... what about the relatives of others in care with your wife? Do you ever get the chance to talk to them and share your thoughts?

Mab thank for your thoughts.The other residents in the Care Home and most of their relatives tend to be elderly or very elderly and I get on well with them. My wife still looks young and I am active and still working part-time. I haven't as yet come across any other couples, sort-of, in the same situation.
 

Danny320

Registered User
Aug 8, 2017
11
0
Phil

Hi Danny

Did you attend any dementia support groups in your area before your wife moved into care?

My wife (PWD) and I go to a local group on the first Tuesday of each month. There are often people there who have either suffered a bereavement, or their loved one is in care now. They tell me they still find going to these coffee morning type sessions provide great comfort.

When I first spotted the signs that my wife's mental health was not right (and fearing what the diagnosis would be), I knew I had to do something to help keep her socialising and to build some sort of social support for myself.

So I managed to get her to visit a local pub and long story short, we've built a good group of friends. They not only keep my wife as engaged as possible but also give me strength when I need it.

Not saying you should rush of down the pub but you know what I mean?

Best wishes and good luck.

Phil

Hi Phil

I did all the things you suggested before my wife went into care. The only problem was that we were always the youngest people there and my wife hated it. Our families, friends and relatives have been great and very supportive. They are not the problem, I think it is me.
 

Philbo

Registered User
Feb 28, 2017
853
0
Kent
Hi Danny

I know what you mean - we are both 66 and my wife was diagnosed 3.5 years ago. We are certainly the youngest at the local support group meetings and when I checked out a couple of care homes recently (I hope she is nowhere at this stage yet - but I am trying to get my head around the options for when the time comes), the managers said she would be the youngest by 15 to 20 years!

Although I am still able to be able to care for her at home, there are many times when I feel very lonely. Like you say, evenings/night-times are the worst.

All the best.
Phil
 

Lilac Blossom

Registered User
Oct 6, 2014
609
0
Scotland
Hi Danny

I can relate to your situation as my husband moved to Care Home six weeks ago - we have been married 58 years. I visit most days and sometimes he knows me, other times not. He is in poor health physically as well as advanced dementia and it breaks my heart not having him at home where I have been looking after him for many years - I deeply regret not being able to continue for as long as he needs me.

I like to look at the sky at night so now I shall think of you in Northern Ireland - same sky as here in North Scotland.

Lilac x
 

helennicole

Registered User
Jan 25, 2010
30
0
NIreland
Hi Danny

I too live in Northern Ireland. I have found the u3a to be a very supportive organisation. There are many groups across N I and the members are friendly and welcoming.

Helen Nicole
 

Danny320

Registered User
Aug 8, 2017
11
0
Philbo

Hi Danny

I know what you mean - we are both 66 and my wife was diagnosed 3.5 years ago. We are certainly the youngest at the local support group meetings and when I checked out a couple of care homes recently (I hope she is nowhere at this stage yet - but I am trying to get my head around the options for when the time comes), the managers said she would be the youngest by 15 to 20 years!

Although I am still able to be able to care for her at home, there are many times when I feel very lonely. Like you say, evenings/night-times are the worst.

All the best.
Phil

Hi Phil

Appreciate and treasure every near normal moments you have and all the best for the future.

Danny
 

Danny320

Registered User
Aug 8, 2017
11
0
Lilac Blossom

Hi Danny

I can relate to your situation as my husband moved to Care Home six weeks ago - we have been married 58 years. I visit most days and sometimes he knows me, other times not. He is in poor health physically as well as advanced dementia and it breaks my heart not having him at home where I have been looking after him for many years - I deeply regret not being able to continue for as long as he needs me.

I like to look at the sky at night so now I shall think of you in Northern Ireland - same sky as here in North Scotland.

Lilac x

Hi Lilac - it is heart breaking. Keep your spirits up and you are allowed to scream at that sky sometimes.

Danny
 

Danny320

Registered User
Aug 8, 2017
11
0
Helennicole

Hi Danny

I too live in Northern Ireland. I have found the u3a to be a very supportive organisation. There are many groups across N I and the members are friendly and welcoming.

Helen Nicole

Hi Helen

I am a member (sort-of) of my local group. I don't go to much as I am a bit odd. I hate going to social things on my own.

Danny
 

irismary

Registered User
Feb 7, 2015
497
0
West Midlands
Hi Danny, my husband has gone into care following a seizure which advanced his dementia considerably and affected him physically and I couldn't cope. He is 75 and one of the youngest there. I am 57, we have been married 22 years so nowhere near as long as you. Most visitors are sons and daughters and assume I am too. Daytime isn't so bad is it but evenings are horrible. What about a dance class? Line dancing doesn't need a partner. Its hard to just go alone though but may be worth a go. Any local bridge clubs? My guess is that there are lots of people in our situation or similar but struggle to find a way into a new social circle. Best wishes
 

Danny320

Registered User
Aug 8, 2017
11
0
Irismary

Hi Danny, my husband has gone into care following a seizure which advanced his dementia considerably and affected him physically and I couldn't cope. He is 75 and one of the youngest there. I am 57, we have been married 22 years so nowhere near as long as you. Most visitors are sons and daughters and assume I am too. Daytime isn't so bad is it but evenings are horrible. What about a dance class? Line dancing doesn't need a partner. Its hard to just go alone though but may be worth a go. Any local bridge clubs? My guess is that there are lots of people in our situation or similar but struggle to find a way into a new social circle. Best wishes

Iris

You are right, it is when you are alone, particularly late at night, when things are really bad. I do all the things I have been advised to do but none of it makes up for missing your lone time friend and partner.

Be strong.

Danny