Arguing Parents (one with a recent diagnosis) how I can help them??

[Iainfortytwo]

Hi, i'm new on AS Forum. My Father (85) has been recently diagnosed with Vascular Dementia. We have obviously noticed his short term memory, especially smalltalk,which can be very repetitive. I handle this with patience and kindness but its been happening for a while.

My Step-mum who is 12 years younger and previous healthcare professional is finding it very difficult to cope. Showing frustration with him, talking and treating him like a child, berating him when he forgets things or refuses to comply. They live together (and hour from me) but apparently he has been very cruel and cold with her, even physical with her (pushing her, threw coffee at her and bent her finger back) during arguments.

I just don't know how to help them get along. I don't know whether its the disease or just unrelated relationship issues. My father tells me he can do nothing wrong and she can scream at him for hours)! I try to advise them, luckily I have a brother that helps.

There are other issues, it is very complicated, too much to cover now. Both refuse to be civil. Apparently if my Father is more understanding and gives thanks for his wonderful life with my step-mum then that will solve all these arguments and she will feel like its not their relationship breakdown. She hoped the diagnosis would make her feel better, (having something to blame the troubles on) but its made no difference.

I have considered contacting their GP but she's an ex-doctor and refuses any help, does not recognise relationship or any other talking therapy. Now my dad has a skin lesion diagnosed as cancer, she thinks its spread to his brain and THATS WHAT HAS MADE HIM COLD AND CRUEL.

I'm out of breath writing this. Any advice welcome, I know i'm not alone.
Many thanks

 

[margherita]

Hi, i'm new on AS Forum. My Father (85) has been recently diagnosed with Vascular Dementia. We have obviously noticed his short term memory, especially smalltalk,which can be very repetitive. I handle this with patience and kindness but its been happening for a while.

My Step-mum who is 12 years younger and previous healthcare professional is finding it very difficult to cope. Showing frustration with him, talking and treating him like a child, berating him when he forgets things or refuses to comply. They live together (and hour from me) but apparently he has been very cruel and cold with her, even physical with her (pushing her, threw coffee at her and bent her finger back) during arguments.

I just don't know how to help them get along. I don't know whether its the disease or just unrelated relationship issues. My father tells me he can do nothing wrong and she can scream at him for hours)! I try to advise them, luckily I have a brother that helps.

There are other issues, it is very complicated, too much to cover now. Both refuse to be civil. Apparently if my Father is more understanding and gives thanks for his wonderful life with my step-mum then that will solve all these arguments and she will feel like its not their relationship breakdown. She hoped the diagnosis would make her feel better, (having something to blame the troubles on) but its made no difference.

I have considered contacting their GP but she's an ex-doctor and refuses any help, does not recognise relationship or any other talking therapy. Now my dad has a skin lesion diagnosed as cancer, she thinks its spread to his brain and THATS WHAT HAS MADE HIM COLD AND CRUEL.

I'm out of breath writing this. Any advice welcome, I know i'm not alone.
Many thanks

Hi, Lainfortytwo,
you wrote "BOTH REFUSE TO BE CIVIL"

Your father has dementia and maybe brain cancer, illnesses which can both affect people's personalities.
Your step -mum as an ex-doctor should know how to behave with patients.
She seems to be a witch more than a wife.
Maybe the reasons for her current behaviour are connected to old resentments in the realtionship with your father.

This is how I feel towards my husband, but I try to be correct and honest and have some human compassion for him.
Is she so stone-hearted?
Can't anyone talk to her?

 

[Soobee]

Hi Iainfortytwo,

It is really hard to watch when parents lack compassion towards each other for any reason, but extremely hard when you know one of them has a disease that affects their behaviour.

When my mum was first diagnosed, dad was diagnosed with cancer at the same time, and she was horrible to him. He was short tempered and snapped back at her, because he was in pain and didn't understand why she couldn't do things. We could never tell if she meant the horrible things she did and said at that time.

I approached it by finding out as much as I can about the type of dementia mum had, and then feeding useful tips to dad or stories about other people who had the same kind of issues, so he didn't feel so alone with it. Could you get your stepmum to read up on dementia or even get her to join Talking Point, she might be able to see what approaches might help to make life easier.

There are factsheets which show that some types of dementia are more likely to cause cold and cruel behaviour (especially if the frontal lobes are affected). But if your step mum refuses to acknowledge he has a disease which affects his behaviour, she will continue to react to him in a cold and frustrated manner.

 

[Shedrech]

hello Iainfortytwo
welcome to TP
it's good that you are looking out for your dad and trying to help him and his wife
it is always hard to know exactly what are the dynamics of someone else's relationship, and with dementia in the mix all becomes trickier - and it sometimes seems as though health professionals can find it hard to deal with illnesses, and dementia especially, when they encounter it in their own family; it's not so easy to maintain that calm beside manner when the person is with them all the time, not just for the minutes of an appointment
this thread on compassionate communication helps some see what is happening with their spouse, and gives some ideas on how to approach them (can't work all the time, nothing does, but worth a try)
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showthread.php?30801-Compassionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired
your father is unlikely to be voicing any thanks for support given - unfortunately dementia often robs the person of empathy, so they have little grasp of how what they do and say affects others
however, if he is being aggressive and violent, his GP and consultant do need to know, so that they have a full picture of his symptoms and behaviours, and in case some meds may help settle him - so personally I'd go ahead and write to his GP: they may not be able to discuss things with you but do have to note any info they are given
just to mention - are Powers of Attorney in place, maybe with you at least acting jointly and severally with the spouse, as these will help a lot in the future with the legal authority to manage your father's affairs
if you really think that your father is at risk of harming himself or his wife, you may want to contact the Local Authority Adult Services and raise a safeguarding concern - it's worth them being contacted anyway to request an assessment of your dad's care needs, as he has a right to this - maybe some time at a day care centre or with a sitter/befriender will take the heat out of their situation, giving them both time apart
keep posting - with TP you need never be alone with a worry
best wishes

 

[Iainfortytwo]

Many thanks all good points. My Father believes that there is nothing wrong, he's aware of some changes and is on medication (which he regrets agreeing to because he can't drive at the moment). He knows its Old age but does not recognise that its Dementia. I will have to contact their GP, I was holding off. I've drafted it twice and nearly posted it but I am afraid my Step-mum will never forgive me (even though I'm trying to help), she's a very single minded strong headed person, not to be messed with...always up for a fight or a dispute or to get her (the only) point of view across!! I'll check that link out and try and persuade her to look at the site. She hates it when I play her articles and research off the internet, she doesn't believe in the digital age, she thinks its a massive conspiracy and has never used the internet or a computer. Regards I

 

[Iainfortytwo]

Thanks I have ordered some fact sheets and I continue to study his condition. He's got Vascular Dimentia. She's very proud (or stubborn) one or the other, she doesn't want anyone to know about their relationship problems. She doesn't mind telling friends about my Dads condition but she will not discuss any of the relationship issues. I really need her to open up to her doctor and thats why I have considered writing to the GP but she may turn against me, she is very very hard to handle. Very quick to attack me or my brother. 40 years ago she was 'the other woman' and cannot bear the thought of her relationship faltering, for whatever the reason. She really needs some form of talking therapy to help her but she does not recognise these forms of support, she old school!!! And in the meantime while she's breaking down we have a 85 year old father stuck in the middle of this stress, it cannot be helping his condition. I'll update you as I go, thank you so much for replying. Regards I

 

[LynneMcV]

I really hope that your step-mum can eventually find it within her to accept help.

This horrible disease tests even the strongest of relationships so must be so much more difficult in a relationship where cracks had already started to show.

Unfortunately, it is often assumed that those with a medical or carer background are more qualified and capable than most to cope, but as has been pointed out, seeing someone with dementia for 10 minutes and living with that person 24/7 are vastly different experiences.

I've found that unless a medical person has had specific training in dementia and all its complexities, they are likely to be no more clued up on how to handle things than we, the family members are. It can be a bit like the blind leading the blind at times.

I still find myself feeling seething about a locum who once told me that the best way to 'cure' my husband's dementia was to get him to do crosswords!

I really hope that you do manage to drip feed a few tips to your step-mum from the compassionate communication link you have previously been sent. Nobody is saying it is possible to live by the guidance 100% of the time but it goes a long way to keeping the peace if put into practice as much as possible.

 

[Iainfortytwo]

bad day....

I've had a hysterical step-mum on the phone giving me a dressing down for texting my father. Being told off like a child! Over what? Not much, but all her insecurities are clouding issues around my father. He's going for a driving assessment this Friday (because of the new dementia drugs). I need him in a calmer less stressful household. I want him to be cared for in a compassionate way. She quickly attacks when she feels bypassed! She hates any digital communication, but when I call I can't speak to my dad because he can't remember everything we've spoken about. She then gets frustrated with him and annoyed at me when he can't repeat the conversation we've had verbatim. Its only small talk, any arrangements etc are communicated through my step mum. Nightmare being at work and having an irate Mother leaving rude and abrupt messages on the answerphone...including hanging up..... Deep breath and carry-on!