Dad died and mum diagnosed

[Alibaba80]

My Mum has had memory loss and confusion for years and last year I got her to go to the dr but she refused to go to the memory clinic after she was referred. Things haven't got any better and since my Dad died 6 weeks ago it's gone from bad to worse. She used to have a lady clean for her (she's on 75 but hasn't cleaned the house in years) but after dad died she was aggressive towards her and the lady won't come now. I have taken over the house finances and have been added onto her bank accounts. On Thursday I had a phone call from a shop assistant at Mums local Tesco saying she had gone in asking for £1500 of iTunes vouchers - she had received a scam phone call from someone claiming to be from HMRC demanding payment in vouchers. I live 200 miles away so feel helpless and am an only child so I am so worried about mum.
I rang her GP yesterday in desperation and they sent a nurse to her house who has diagnosed dementia and referred her to a memory clinic. She told me to ring social services on Monday to get her more support but I don't know what they will do.
I haven't even got over the shock of dad dying or finished administering his estate sowith this as well I feel exhausted.

 

[100 miles]

Alibaba,

First of all - I am sorry for the loss of your dad. It is sad you can't sit down and spend time 'missing him' but have to go hurtling headlong into trying to support your mum. I suspect your dad was managing to hide or manage your mum's condition. And losing a lifelong partner is enough to make anyone struggle with life.

I am not sure what to suggest. Phoning social services seems a good idea. I believe the key term is to say you have concerns about a 'vulnerable adult and it is a safeguarding issue'.

Would your mum cope with more help? Someone visiting everyday to do chores and make food for her?

Another thing that needs to be sorted is Power of Attorney. Forms can be downloaded and it is cheaper to do it yourself than go through a solicitor. There are two types - Finance and 'Health and Welfare'. You probably need to get both.

You can see I lived quite a long way from my mum. But I can see doubling the distance makes it even trickier.

Let us know how things progress. There is a lot of wisdom on this site.

100 miles

 

[Sam Luvit]

Hi Alibaba

I am sorry you are going through this, it's just horrid.

My mum was also diagnosed 2 months after my dad died. I was living 80 miles away, I did the 160'round trip every weekend, so although it was not easy, it was easier than it is for you.

Can you phone her GP, tell him / her your mum says she's been diagnosed & you want to sort LPA's & confirm if she has capacity to sign. You might get lucky & get them to bend the rules to allow you to speak with him / her.

Maybe, in the meantime, you could type up a general "to whom it may concern" letter saying "I Mrs x give permission for discussion with my daughter y", post it to a neighbour / friend & get your mum to sign it & drop into the surgery?

I would suggest going online & filling in everything you can on the LPA forms. Put in rubbish for the parts you are unsure of, save & print them off. Check what her GP will charge to sign her as being able to consent, check if her solicitor will do it & what they will charge. Mums GP was more expensive than her solicitor!!

Think of someone to take over from you if you are hit by the proverbial bus . It might not be possible to do the forms again for someone else at a later date. You have to keep looking at worst case

I printed the forms & put post it notes to show the order of signing & lined everyone up, so I could get them done in the right order. You have a limited time to get all signatures & send it in. So, if someone is going on holiday, you need to know.

Can you take a long weekend & go see your mum & try to get things in place? You will need to have a list of everything you need to get done, appointments set up with GP / solicitor etc. Others can sign her as having capacity, but check with the helpline.

I know you want to grieve your dad, but the truth is, you don't have time now. I know it's hard, I know you want to scream at the unfairness of it, but right now, your mum needs you more . I know, because I'm there too

Do phone SS & start that slow process. Say your mum is "a vulnerable adult" & "they have a duty of care" (very important phrases that open doors). They will take a while to move. But, they will assess her. They will start with what she needs, followed by her finances. They will need to know if she is self funding or needs LA funding

SS will need bank statements, at least the last 3 months, but can ask for further back. They want proof of any investments, ISA's, bonds etc. Pension can be taken from statements, but as she is a recent widow, things may change as a result of that

Keep posting & others will have more suggestions

It's a very difficult time for you, try to take care of yourself too

 

[Alibaba80]

Thank you for your advice and I'm sorry for you too. The nurse said it was to do LPA as long as I do it quickly. I have asked a family friend to be a witness so I should be able to do that by next weekend.

I will make sure I use those phrases and I won't be lying, she is vulnerable and with me living so far away they do have a duty of care. You are amazing for visiting every weekend. I have a young family and my eldest is at school so visiting more than every 6-8 weeks just isn't possible. Plus my inlaws live about the same distance but in the other direction so we try to see them just as often.

I find all this so exhausting, I just want it all to go away.

 

[Sam Luvit]

Thank you for your advice and I'm sorry for you too. The nurse said it was to do LPA as long as I do it quickly. I have asked a family friend to be a witness so I should be able to do that by next weekend.

I will make sure I use those phrases and I won't be lying, she is vulnerable and with me living so far away they do have a duty of care. You are amazing for visiting every weekend. I have a young family and my eldest is at school so visiting more than every 6-8 weeks just isn't possible. Plus my inlaws live about the same distance but in the other direction so we try to see them just as often.

I find all this so exhausting, I just want it all to go away.

Hi Alibaba

I still wish it would all go away it took me 3 months to find the money as dad had messed up the office, so the round trips were essential, never mind mum not coping

It is hard, but TP is a life saver for those rants & moans that no one outside Alz seems to get.

I was working full time, but in the end, I had to quit, sell the house & move. I was "lucky" to be in a position to do that. Don't make any rash decisions. Think long & hard before changing your life, your children need you too ( my youngest benefited from all my white goods as he moved out)

Lots of people on here to listen to you, lots if brilliant suggestions when you hit the wall & dont want to get up

I did it from a distance, now doing it with mum, both are difficult, both are heart breaking, both are full of guilt.

Take time out for you. You need it.

Take care

 

[Alibaba80]

Does anyone know what the deal is with Mum driving? The nurse asked whether I had concerns about her driving and I said yes. She has told me to stop mum driving but that is so hard to do. Her whole weekly routine is geared around driving to the supermarket or local shops. How will she get food? If she doesn't drive I can imagine she won't even go out. And she won't take the news well at all.
I've also been advised to cut up her credit cards to stop her being caught by fraudsters.

 

[Oh Knickers]

Alibaba,

OK, a lot going on here. Sorry to hear about the loss of your dad.

Driving
Contact the DVLA and ask for her driving to be assessed. Should you be concerned about her driving and have the evidence, each time you see her there are increasing scratches, bashes, dents on her car, dob her into the DVLA. I ended up with a diary of what mother had been doing to her car over a 6 month period. DVLA withdrew her licence. Mother had refused to take the driving test at least twice by then and her retirement home were expressing concern, hence the letter.

Getting rid of car.
Should you think of going down this route it might be worth taking her care for a 'MOT' and telling her the car has failed. Having the car fail might be less confrontational than the DVLA. However, just in case mum has an independent moment and buys a car, DVLA as well.

Sibling found a local taxi company and set up an account. You will need to watch it like a hawk to monitor costs.

Yes, it is a limit on your mum's freedom, yes she is going to moan about it like crazy but far better to stop her driving than her knocking someone over or ending up injuring herself.

Shopping
Sounds a little as though your mum is using shopping as a bit of a social event. Just needing to get out? Would suggest online shopping but that is going to add to your list unless you get a carer for your mum. They could then shop together.

Cards and limiting spend.
This has been a nightmare for us. I had got a limit on mother's bank card and then, without telling us, the bank removed the limit.

Get yourself onto her bank account so you can check her spending discretely.

The best I have found is this one: http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/credit-cards/prepaid-cards
There will be others available.

The reason we wanted a limit was she had a male companion who was a chancer and happy to let her pay for everything. She was so desperate for a male companion she paid. It was horrendous as mother had no insight into what she was spending and the huge amounts.

Telephone
In addition to all of the above (as though you do not have enough to do) I would also suggest getting your mum's phone listed with her phone company for 'number not registered' calls being blocked. Had a couple of scams with Mother.

Dealing with dementia initially is like hitting a scree patch and results in a huge amount of work needing to be done fairly swiftly.

However, you need to consider whether you mum is at the stage where she is beginning to need care which is a whole different ball game.

 

[Sam Luvit]

Hi Alibaba

Oh Knickers has a lot of good points, as always

Driving is a big concern. If you think your mum is going to fight giving up the car, then you are going to have to force her into it. I argued with my dad about his driving, made me very unpopular, but it needed to be done. My mum & brother both agreed he needed to stop, but neither would do anything about it I didn't want my dad to injure some kid

I think you said your mum was 75, in which case, she will need to be assessed at 80 anyway (or should be, some people seem to get missed). Could you tell her she's going to have to take her test again, say it would be better to give up voluntarily than have it taken away suddenly?

I suggested to my dad he put the car tax, insurance, petrol & maintenance/MOT money into a taxi fund. If your mum can / will use her bus pass to get to town, then a taxi home with shopping, she will probably save overall. Not to mention, no hunting for a parking space & charges if applicable.

If you know any of her friends that get the bus, maybe they could go with her & get her used to which bus & where to catch / get off. My mum now spouts bus numbers & times quiet happily. Also, as the same people catch them, it's like a reunion lol. I went with her last week (my car being off the road) & it was funny listening to all these people chatting away about when they'd last seen each other, while going to town it was like a mobile social club

I'm having my own cleaner saga, so maybe not the best to give any help, but ...

There are agencies that have cleaners, I would be brutally honest about how your mum can be, give a list of exactly what needs doing, print it off & stick it somewhere prominent, that your mum won't throw out but they can see. It saves any misunderstanding

The cleaner needs to understand that it's not just a sweet little old lady who wants a Hoover pushing around . Some people are good at this, some are awful. I sold the idea of a cleaner to mum as it being helpful to me not that her cleaning was awful

It is a lot to do & unfortunately, as Oh Knickers has said, everything needs doing now. It does slow down as you get things in place, but it doesn't really stop.

If SS assessment shows a need for care visits, that will put her on their radar for anything in the future, like grab rails, bath seats etc.

To increase cash for extras, get in touch with her council & ask about council rebate, as she is now a single person in a property & should get a single person reduction of 25%

When you have a spare 5 minutes, contact gas or electric or water & ask them to add her to the "vulnerable person register". It's supposed to be shared between them & means if there is a power cut etc, she goes to the top of the list, they have to visit within 4 hours. I'd notified the water board & a few weeks later had an electric fault, I said about mum being on the register & they were round in just over 4 hours. Without that, it was going to be late Monday or Tuesday morning (it happened on a Sunday morning), so worth the call