Hi mum has alzheimers she is only 73. After having carers for 2 years she went into a care home last week. I am struggling with it all feel so guilty she doesnt like it. Any advice? Thanks Lisa
Lisa
- Thread starter lisabarnes888
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hello Lisa
a warm welcome to TP
it's so tough, isn't it, having made the difficult decision that it is time for a move into a care home, to then have to come to terms with the aftermath - much sympathy
it is very early days and it may be that your mum will settle more as she gets used to her new surroundings, after all this is a massive change for the both of you and it takes time to establish new routines
it may also be that your mum is using you as her scape goat, throwing all the negatives your way, yet when you aren't there she is pretty accepting of her new home - have a chat with the carers and ask how she is generally, it can be quite surprising that new residents behave very differently for family than during the rest of the day
try visiting at different times, maybe an hour before an activity so your mum can go to the activity before you leave - sometimes it's even advised not to visit too often to allow the new resident to get used to being in their new home
whatever else, know that you did all you could to provide care for your mum in her home and it's a wise person who sees that this just is no longer enough and finds a suitable new home - it comes down to making sure your mum has what she needs, which sadly may not be exactly what she wants - so hit the guilt monster for six
best wishes
a warm welcome to TP
it's so tough, isn't it, having made the difficult decision that it is time for a move into a care home, to then have to come to terms with the aftermath - much sympathy
it is very early days and it may be that your mum will settle more as she gets used to her new surroundings, after all this is a massive change for the both of you and it takes time to establish new routines
it may also be that your mum is using you as her scape goat, throwing all the negatives your way, yet when you aren't there she is pretty accepting of her new home - have a chat with the carers and ask how she is generally, it can be quite surprising that new residents behave very differently for family than during the rest of the day
try visiting at different times, maybe an hour before an activity so your mum can go to the activity before you leave - sometimes it's even advised not to visit too often to allow the new resident to get used to being in their new home
whatever else, know that you did all you could to provide care for your mum in her home and it's a wise person who sees that this just is no longer enough and finds a suitable new home - it comes down to making sure your mum has what she needs, which sadly may not be exactly what she wants - so hit the guilt monster for six
best wishes
We're all weighing up what's best along this journey
I have been down a similar path to you, having tried care at home for a long while until it really became unviable with my mum becoming extremely active during the night so that the carers got no sleep. My mum got to be past the stage where there was any benefit to her being in her own home as she no longer recognised it as such. I think also, the one-to-one relationship with a carer, whilst great on paper, was really too intense for her stage of dementia and conducive to too much argumentation on my mother's part. In a care home there is a firm structure which I think helps people once their dementia becomes firmly established and they have passed the point of knowing what to do with themselves. You have to give your mum time to settle in and see how she responds. Remember that if this care home proves to be unsuitable for any reason then this need not be her final residence. Whilst a move is unsettling, you have to weigh this up with finding the optimum environment for her. Some people might fare better in a small home, others in a larger place with lots of activities on offer. I'm still weighing all this up for my own mum. It's never easy and no place is likely to be ideal in every way. I am sure that you are deserving of some rest and recuperation by this stage, so enjoy that - your mum would want you to. My best wishes to you both.
I have been down a similar path to you, having tried care at home for a long while until it really became unviable with my mum becoming extremely active during the night so that the carers got no sleep. My mum got to be past the stage where there was any benefit to her being in her own home as she no longer recognised it as such. I think also, the one-to-one relationship with a carer, whilst great on paper, was really too intense for her stage of dementia and conducive to too much argumentation on my mother's part. In a care home there is a firm structure which I think helps people once their dementia becomes firmly established and they have passed the point of knowing what to do with themselves. You have to give your mum time to settle in and see how she responds. Remember that if this care home proves to be unsuitable for any reason then this need not be her final residence. Whilst a move is unsettling, you have to weigh this up with finding the optimum environment for her. Some people might fare better in a small home, others in a larger place with lots of activities on offer. I'm still weighing all this up for my own mum. It's never easy and no place is likely to be ideal in every way. I am sure that you are deserving of some rest and recuperation by this stage, so enjoy that - your mum would want you to. My best wishes to you both.
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