Just die mum

[Nikkinoo]

Hi

I am really struggling At the mo, mum is in a nursing home. The chc panel decided I couldn't get help although the mdt said she was eligible the head nurse even said we should appeal. 6 months later we have not even had a local panel review and although I have a solictor dealing with this for me it's still stressful. To make it worse mums savings have now been exhausted and her bungalow is just not selling. I have managed to set up A loan on this though.

Every time I see my mum she seems to have gone downhill she is tiny. She has no short term memory, can't write or read, can't walk can't swallow can't hold a conversation , is incontentient. She seems to screw up tissues and stick them In her ears or nose while we are there.

As her only child I have to make every decision and she wasn't even a great mum. I just want this to end. I cannot see any positives right now

 

[oilovlam]

Nikkinoo, sounds like you have a lot on your plate.

If it is upsetting seeing your mother then perhaps go a little less often or perhaps just keep in touch with the care home by telephone to find out how she is.

Let the solicitor deal with the CHC appeal (as much as possible)...if it is successful then all well & good...if not then you have tried your best.

House sales can be very stressful at the best of times. An honest conversation with the estate agent is sometimes worthwhile. Perhaps the valuation needs to be tweaked. If there are any easy suggestions - tidy up the garden, some paint on the windows to increase curb appeal - then get a handyman to sort them.....otherwise the only option for a quick sale is to accept reasonable offers.

I expect that getting the house sold will reduce your stress levels a lot. Even deciding on a course of action can sometimes reduce the pressure.

If you're still a bit down then a chat with someone may help (sometimes you need to vent)....a friend, Alzheimer society helpline or perhaps GP.

Best of luck. Things will get sorted....sometimes you have to just give it time. A bit like fishing (my sort of fishing)...throw a hook into the water and wait for the fish to bite....if they don't (they never do for me), sit back and enjoy the fresh air....unless it is raining, which it always is for me.

 

[lemonjuice]

Just to let you know you are not alone

Just that really.

My mother is in a similar state. Though her weight is not so worrying but her 'mental capacity is far worse. She doesn't even do anything with her hands any more, not even feeling her dementia muffs or tactile book I made. She just lies there staring at the air. Not interacting to her environment and how often do I pray," Just let her go." Even the Nursing manager says the kinest thing would be to die in her sleep. Quickly and painlessly.However we've been saying that for over 2 years now and she shows no sign of doing so.

Like you after 5 years in the NH her money has run down. We have been fortunate to have enough 'savings' not to have to sell her house and recouping rent has helped to keep down the shortfall. The tenant's contract comes up in November but that would be a bad time to sell. On the other hand by this time next year there wouldn't even have any money left, so it's a fne balancing act, so my worry is that the house wouldn't sell quickly enough.

I often wish it weren't so complicated and stresful. My mother seemingly has no life and can't really be said to be really 'living' or getting any enjoyment out of life.

 

[copsham]

Hard times

Hi Nikkinoo and everyone on this thread,
My mother is just one degree " more able " than your mother, never thought I would say "more able" no short term memory, no long term memory, but enjoys her food and cups of tea. When I try to make conversation she looks at me as if to say "what are you on about". Nikon when you wrote she wasn't even a good mum, that's exactly what I think. When she ignores me now, I think whats so different when I was a child, ignored then and ignored now. All the care staff say isn't she lovely. I smile and agree but want to say 'thats what you think'!

She is tough as an ox, been in the nursing home for 4.5 years, has has dementia for at least seven years. It is emotionally exhausting.

sorry to offload but I do go up and down with this experience.

 

[Pickles53]

Hi

I am really struggling At the mo, mum is in a nursing home. The chc panel decided I couldn't get help although the mdt said she was eligible the head nurse even said we should appeal. 6 months later we have not even had a local panel review and although I have a solictor dealing with this for me it's still stressful. To make it worse mums savings have now been exhausted and her bungalow is just not selling. I have managed to set up A loan on this though.

Every time I see my mum she seems to have gone downhill she is tiny. She has no short term memory, can't write or read, can't walk can't swallow can't hold a conversation , is incontentient. She seems to screw up tissues and stick them In her ears or nose while we are there.

As her only child I have to make every decision and she wasn't even a great mum. I just want this to end. I cannot see any positives right now

So very sad and I can see how miserable this is for you. My mum declined very quickly but was only bedbound and uncommunicative for a few months before she died in her sleep. I hadn't expected it because nobody had said it was likely but I remember the relief that it was over as well as the sadness. I wasn't especially close to mum either.

I can't say much about CHC but hope you are aware that there is a fast-track process if a GP or other medic is prepared to say that a person is expected to die within 6 months. If this hasn't been discussed recently, I would do that as it may avoid a full-scale appeal.