Mum hurling abuse at me

[nellen]

Hi my mum is in a nursing home with dementia and complex needs. She was diagnosed with mixed dementia in 2009 and went into a nursing home 2 years ago after a spell in hospital. Over the past year or so my mum has lived in a parallel world full of conversations and arguments with various people from her life and her childhood, if anyone tries to talk to her she gets agitated and confused as she can't seem to process it.

She has phases of very aggressive behaviour mainly towards the carers when they try to give her any kind of personal care - I've been there when she's like this and have witnessesed her lashing out and name calling, which no amount of soothing words and trying to calm her helps. Mum has been in one of these aggressive phases for the past month and I've become the one who's getting this abuse thrown at me - as she says I've stolen her money, slept with my grandad, stolen her clothes - it goes on and on ...my reaction is to take a little walk around then come back a few minutes later or to change the subject or say nothing and just let her ramble on.. I know it's the dementia speaking but I still find it very upsetting, I laugh it off to people, but I feel very very sad that this is how it it will end, this will sadly be my last kind of contact with my mum as she probably won't live much longer

I'm one of four siblings, one died several years ago and one lives abroad so it's mainly myself and my brother visits mum but it's only me that gets the venom from her. I am probably the closest to her, I'm the one who has made all the decisions for her since her dementia diagnosis and before, I have POA for her finances. I'm the one she calls for all the time when she is upset or confused. I understand that she is probably like this because we are so close and we were such good friends too but it's also very hurtful.

Do other people get this? How do you cope with it?

 

[margherita]

It is "easier" to be abusive and rude to the people who love us, because we know they won't stop loving us.
Maybe this is what your mother might confusedly think.

 

[LilyJ]

Nellen, I'm so sorry that you're having this awful experience but if it helps, you're not alone. It seems to be a common thread on here that those carers who are closest to a PWD are the ones who ard most abused by them .
I do most things for my M-in-L and yet it's me she most abuses & criticises.
I agree, it is so difficult not to get upset. At least you can walk away and go back when you're ready; it's not what you want I know but I'm afraid it's the best you can do.
All thd best.

 

[AlsoConfused]

It's not much comfort but at least you KNOW you've stood by your Mum and carried on loving her and watching out for her even when her illness made her behave hatefully to you. Nobody can show greater love than that. I hope it'll be a comfort to you knowing you were able to be so brave and loving, no matter what.

A thought which might help ... Could your Mum be in any kind of pain which makes personal care more difficult for her? If that's a possibility maybe asking your Mum's GP for a review of her pain medication (and of any other mood disturbance medication) would result in her having a happier, more peaceable and more loving future?

 

[Sandygirl]

Hi Nellen,

I cried reading this, my heart goes out to you going through this. Please remember the good times you had with your mom. In her heart she still loves you.

 

[Curly Shirley]

I feel so upset

I can totally relate to your experiences.I didnt sleep a wink last night after a terrible episode of Mum being verbally abusive to me. I know its not Mum it is the dementia talking but she has displayed such hatred towards me and said so many hurtful things including that she never wants to see me again and that I should never visit her.

Mum frequently insults my appearance, and my figure, saying I am fat and that I look a mess and that my hair is awful. She insults my husband and even her grandchildren, criticising their clothes and appearance. It really embarasses me so much with the awful things she says in front of other people. I was so upset recently that I feel that I don't want to visit again and her words ring in my ears.

Mum and I were really close before she got dementia. We were always together. Had holidays together , enjoyed her grandchildren together. went shopping together and had social outings and meals out together. She used to be my friend but now it turns out that I have become her enemy, and it hurts and cuts deep.

I have given up a lot in my life for my family and especially my Mum since she became a widow and I am finding it harder and harder to manage visiting her and it is affecting my confidence.

 

[Babymare01]

Hello there Nellen.

My mum and I were incredibly close and like you I experienced the abuse - both verbal and physical - from my mum. It is just awful to experience at the time and my heart goes out to you.

But has others have said people normally strike at those they love and my mum didn't realise what she was doing. I clung to the fact this wasn't really my mum has she would never of bitten me, punched me or hurled abuse at me. Or even try to strangle a doctor with his stephascope

Now my mum has moved on in this journey, unable to move and barely opening eyes etc, and now I actually think of those times and quietly smile. Silly I know but that was my mum. She may have been tiny in stature but was always a strong personality. She was always a fighter regardless of what life throw at her. At that time she still had that strength to have an opinion, be it wrong or right, even if she couldn't express it in a more normal manner.

Please please remember this is not your mum who has always loved you but the evil dementia.

Others will have wonderful advice on how to deal with it - I didn't cope very well at the time emotionally - but I just wanted you to know you are not alone in dealing with this and send big big hugs

xx

 

[Jamjarannie]

Jamjarannie

We had the same, we've just lost mum,we put our lives on hold for over ten years and did everything to make my mum happy - suddenly she started saying nasty, completely out of character things, we were on our knees with exhaustion, my sister did nt want to know, then suddenly my sister came in from nowhere, got her to sign a LPA for everything over to her, behind our backs, and we were devastated. My mum would scream irrationally to justify her signing / saying that social services would have put her in a home if she had n't /we knew this was nt our mum but such devious behaviour on both their parts broke up our family. And when mum was all there her family meant everything to her. Dementia can destroy all that is loving, rational and kind in a person and unscrupulous rellies can exploit their vulnerabilities. Protect your back and your parents from day one. And remember all unpleasant acts or words are not them.......that is how you know it is dementia ...keep the faith in the person they were ........as you would hope your children will do for you - should it come to you ... and get all the help you can get.

 

[MorryLou]

Hi my mum is in a nursing home with dementia and complex needs. She was diagnosed with mixed dementia in 2009 and went into a nursing home 2 years ago after a spell in hospital. Over the past year or so my mum has lived in a parallel world full of conversations and arguments with various people from her life and her childhood, if anyone tries to talk to her she gets agitated and confused as she can't seem to process it.


She has phases of very aggressive behaviour mainly towards the carers when they try to give her any kind of personal care - I've been there when she's like this and have witnessesed her lashing out and name calling, which no amount of soothing words and trying to calm her helps. Mum has been in one of these aggressive phases for the past month and I've become the one who's getting this abuse thrown at me - as she says I've stolen her money, slept with my grandad, stolen her clothes - it goes on and on ...my reaction is to take a little walk around then come back a few minutes later or to change the subject or say nothing and just let her ramble on.. I know it's the dementia speaking but I still find it very upsetting, I laugh it off to people, but I feel very very sad that this is how it it will end, this will sadly be my last kind of contact with my mum as she probably won't live much longer

I'm one of four siblings, one died several years ago and one lives abroad so it's mainly myself and my brother visits mum but it's only me that gets the venom from her. I am probably the closest to her, I'm the one who has made all the decisions for her since her dementia diagnosis and before, I have POA for her finances. I'm the one she calls for all the time when she is upset or confused. I understand that she is probably like this because we are so close and we were such good friends too but it's also very hurtful.

Do other people get this? How do you cope with it?

Hi, I feel empathy and understanding for your situation and our family are hurtling towards the same path.
Thought I would share our experience.....

I have had 2 completely out of the blue 'outbursts' from my Mum and she is just in the early stages of dementia. They were completely hideous experiences and upset me deeply. She didn't have a UTI or was ill, so didn't know the exact trigger.
Afterwards when she came out of it, she was cold and couldn't remember anything.
For a while I felt as though I was walking on eggshells with her, bracing myself for the next episode. That hasn't happened yet but as I've read that these outbursts are just not her but the dementia , I've got a plan in my head of what I'm going to say and do for the next one which will inevitably come.
I will try to steer the conversation to something else, to try to diffuse the situation, and I positively won't shout back or show visible distress (easy to say, I know!) I want to see if it helps.
I reacted badly both times to the actual events and feel quite guilty about it. It takes a lot to get me riled, but my Mum pushed the right buttons and the upshot was that she felt that she would have had a much better life if I hadn't existed! (I'm an only child)

Leading up to this, I did notice that my Mum was feeling increasingly bitter about past things in her childhood and early life. Even friends and neighbours became enemies in her mind. All negative thoughts seemed to outweigh positive ones. Maybe this was her starting point as she always had quite a depressive personality anyway.

What I find hard to deal with, is this is only going to get worse. Knowing that there are others that are experiencing the same problems is of great comfort. It's not easy for any of us.

For our family it's going to be a bit of an experiment, but I will report back on the outcome.
Thinking of you all!

 

[Rageddy Anne]

IT breaks your heart doesn't it? First my father, and then my husband. It makes me think about those old stories of Jekyll and Hyde, and Dracula...Peope who change completely and inexplicably...

It's only now that we can use the Internet and tell each other about our heartbreaking experiences that we can begin to see its a common feature of dementia, and not personal.

There are days when I am the wickedest person in my husband's world, and yet, within hours, I might also be the one person he cherishes most in the world... What he also doesn't recognise is that I am the saddest.

 

[Mammamu]

the evil dementia

Hi,
Needed to reply as I had the same happening to me yesterday....

I did my usual pick up of Mil,we started our drive to the care home.
The traffic was awful so instead of 25 minutes it took 55! Needles to say we were both a bit ruffled and needed a cup of tea & a biscuit.
As we walked in to the care home Fil was not in the tv room,still in his room...
Staff told me he had been a bit difficult to get washed and ready this morning so left him in is room for breakfast. 3 staff members were trying to get him dressed and read but he refused and did all he could to make it impossible to help him.
As they know he is very happy and affectionate towards me they asked if I could come and help, of course I did no problem.

My lovely Fil that loves me more than anything, told me to f...., get out, I don't need any help from you! ( as he is sitting on the bed with his trousers undone & unable to do them). I tried with all the I had,but he hated me and wanted me dead....
(I just wanted to hug him and calm him down.)
So I left him in his room with 2 carers. I now had to put my brace face on and tell Mil his not cooperating that well today, trying my best to hide my real feelings I said:We all have good days and bad days he is having a bad one today. I had no time to cry and it will not change anything, but my heart is hurting.... not because of what he said (that's NOT him!) because of how stressed, scared and angry he looked & that I'm constantly telling lies to Mil!
I hate being so useless I can't do anything just watch the best Fil in the world turn to a horrible monster. I HATE this illness!
Not sure this was very helpful for or to you but just so you know you are not alone!

Sorry for the rant!
Mammamu

 

[Oh Knickers]

mammamu,

Oh dear. You are not being useless. It is just the dementia. You are being a thoughtful, considerate person. You are so puttting others neeeds first. You are tryingto protect your mil and still respect your fil. It is just tough as the brain alters.

Sorry, it is sounding tough at the moment.

 

[patsy56]

you take care, mother said to me that she hated me

 

[nellen]

Wow I hadn't expected so many replies!! You're so kind and sympathetic and although I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy I'm glad other people are going through it and that it's not just me and something I'm doing to trigger this aggressive behaviour in my mum. Thank god for forums like talking point

I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner, I seem to have been quite busy these past few days at least part of my time was taken up with seeing some friends of mine and my mums who knew her before the Alzheimer's and were able to help me like you are all helping me to put mum's aggression into some sort of perspective

Once again thank you, lovely people