Young Carer

[Nutty Nan]

Dear Norman, Kaybe, Michelle et al,
It upsets me much more when my husband doesn't recognise our daughters or grandchildren than myself, because I feel for them and don't know how much it hurts them. I am with him all the time and know in my heart that it is just a temporary lapse (sometimes longer, sometimes only momentary), and just like a cloud it will pass.
He would have made such a wonderful grandad, he was always joking, laughing and clowing with our girls ....... I am touched by the way the little'uns (aged almost 4 and almost 6) accept him as he is, and have learnt to be tactful about his odd ways (and about some of the things they would get told off for themselves!). They are both so wise, and very kind and caring!
Sadly, as my husband's carer, I am unable to be the sort of Grandma I would like to be to them - I don't have the freedom to be spontaeous, to take them on any adventures, or to have them for messy days or giggly sleepovers, but that's as much my loss as theirs.

 

[kaybe]

To you all

I realise that the subject of grandchildren has touched a nerve, it’s kind of funny isn’t it, we’re all on this forum as carers in one form or another and that side of us can’t stop thinking about the other members of our families. It’s in our nature if you like. I can relate with both being the grandchild (my Nan is a sufferer) and of course the daughter. But also I have a son and lots of nieces and nephews.
Watching my son and my nieces and nephews with their grandmother is a wonderful thing. I can see that the small children (some not so small) in our family will grow into mature and caring adults as a result of having a special grandma. They help her in difficult situations like guiding her in the right direction. I remember a little while back, my dad, who sometimes forgets that his wife has Alzheimer’s, had asked mum to get the elastic bands from the kitchen drawer. My mum wandered out of the living room and was struggling to remember where even the kitchen was. I was about to intervene when my son who was 8 at the time, jumped up and went to his Nan’s aid. He gently took her arm guided her to the kitchen, pointed out the drawer and showed her where the elastic bands were. What touched me was when I heard him Say “It’s ok Nan, this can be our secret, you can pretend you did it all by yourself and I won’t tell anyone.” I then realised what this Alzheimer’s had done for my son, rather than be a bad thing for him, it had helped to shape him into a caring, sensitive and understand little boy. Don’t get me wrong, if I could take away the Alzheimer’s and have Mum back as she was, well I’d give my right arm for it. But I can’t, and so I can only be thankful my mother’s grandchildren still love her whatever, and incidentally so do I.
The other thing to say is, as I’m also a grandchild of a sufferer, it hasn’t done either me or my siblings any harm. We still reminisce about Nan and some of the funny things that she did and still does, makes for a colourful life doesn’t it!

 

[kaybe]

Panic!! just realised there's a trend here, my Nan was the youngest of her siblings, so is my Mum, and guess what...so am I!!
I only hope that if I ever have to go through the same thing, someone will show me where the bl**dy elastic bands are!

 

[Norman]

When our Grand dauughters come they don't seem to have any problems with Nany,they seem to sense that things are perhaps not as they should be.
The younger twin looks after Nan,sticks to her like glue.insists on helping her with everything,like a little nurse.
The sad part is that we can never have any of the children to stay,they some times ask "can we come and stay with you "but sadly no.
I always wanted a daughter didn't get one, got two Sons.
Then I got three grandaughters and this horrible disease robbed us of any pleasure we might have had with them.
I am getting to be a grump
Norman

 

[Nutty Nan]

Grump away, Norm: it comes with the territory and bonds us all.
Grump - Grump - Arrgh.

 

[Dawnb]

I think the reason the children bring so much pleasure to the persons who has AD or dementia is because they treat them like any other "normal" person. They have a lot more patience as they are unaware of time and of any real problems as such. They are not judgemental just caring toward their grandad or grandma.
Also I think when the person with dementia really goes back to being like a child themselves in a different sort of way they obviously love seeing other children around.
There are five children in our family and Dad does not know our names, which doesnt really bother me as such as thats justs part of the whole scenario ! he also frequently use to call my niece a " Boy" but you just get over all those things and enjoy the time that they have together. Our grandchildren ( when they arrive!) will never know their grandad in a pre AD State but they will still I amagine love him just the same. Children are so much more adaptable then adults that s the nice thing !
Kaybe you should be proud that you have a little boy who you have obviously brought up with such a caring attitude it didnt just appear ! you put it there.
Norman dont be sad I am sure your grandchildren enjoy any time they spend at all with you both, children always ask to stay the night as they think there is always some big adventure in someone elses house !!

 

[connie]

Dawn, Kaybe, Nutty Nan, I have just caught up with the latest postings and thank you all for the lovely words. Yes, this situation with childchildren etc, is something beyond our control. This is wher our wonderful children, and grandchildren, put us in our place. They are there for us, and our cared for, NO QUESTIONS ASKED. Bless them, Connie.

 

[galliwotsit]

When my husband was diagnosed with Multi infarct dementia I got some basic reading from the internet and gave it to my son and daughter, who were at the time 28 and 21 respectively so that they could try and understand what was happening for him. Using this information my son explained to my grandson who was 7 at the time. when they next visited my grandson came and sat with me and said "Nanna I know what's wrong with grandad, his brain's tired". Like all of you have said - the innocence of the young is wonderful. he probably has more patience than any of us with his grandad and his one liners never cease to make me smile

Will grandad remember I told him that I love him?
Is grandad having one of his days?
Grandad's told me the same story 3 times now does he think I didn;t listen the first time?
Grandad write it down so that you don't forget what i've told you.
LOL Anne X

 

[MrsP]

Dear All
Made me smile looking at all these postings. My 4 year old daughter knows that Grandad is not well, and that one day he won't remember us which is why it is so important to make the horrible long journey as often as we can. She adores being with Grandad because he is silly, and sings silly songs, and plays silly games. I think it takes him back to when my brother and I were children, and it is when he plays with her that I can see the 'old' Dad coming out. He doesn't think about his worries and it is a beautiful thing to see. It makes me sad to think of the things that he will miss of course.
The day my daughter was born (his first grandchild) he left work early and travelled 200 miles to the hospital for a surprise visit. I saw him walking towards me in the corridor and I thought 'I know him' (it was a long labour!!!). I was so touched that he had made the journey without a second thought, and I still remember him singing lullabies to her on the ward. It makes those memories even more special to know that he wouldn't manage to do it now, and even though I know secretly he was disappointed at the thought of my pregnancy (I had only finished university 2 weeks before I told him), I truly believe that she arrived at that time so that he could share in the joy.
As for my wedding day, my husband and I had planned to run away to Gretna Green. Thankfully asked Dad if he minded first, which of course he did. I'm so pleased that he was there by my side on the day, because his AD was diagnosed 2 months later. He even managed to make a speech which was such a hardship for him, and again I don't think he would ever manage to do it again. I'm so proud of him, and just hope he knows it.