OH and myself are due to see the consultant tomorrow OH will go in and say he is doing fine and there is nothing to having dementia. I know that the consultant can tell what stage he's at by the test he will ask him to do. However he will not know that most of what my OH talks about is just not true although he really thinks it is. Also if he gets an idea in his head that he believes, such as he needs to visit someone miles away (who does not exist) he keeps on about it (he never forgets that),and becomes very aggressive verbally when I won't take him. He can't find his way around the house anymore does not know which room is which. My question is I know I should write this down for the consultant to read but how can I be sure he will not tell my husband or even talk about what I have written, as if he does my OH will know what I have done and will go mad. I know he can't help it but the only conversations we have now are about things he has in his head that are not true and how he's going to give up dementia as he never signed up for it in the first place and he wants to drive again (he really believes this).
Consultant appointment
- Thread starter Flower girl
- Start date
This is all very typical and you have to do what is best for you both. This entails giving the consultant the full picture ahead of time. They would have to be moronic to pass this on to your husband. I found that John's psychiatrist asked general questions and slipped in specific ones to see his reaction.
My husband is only interested in visiting long dead relatives and a cinema which was knocked down in 1960. At first I used to dispute this nonsense but now I ignore and move the conversation on eg on the cinema thing I say " Get your coat on and we'll go out" and once out we go for a walk as he's already forgotten why he wanted to go out. With the dead brothers I just ignore it as I have long ago run out of distractions. Again he has so little short term memory that I can move on to another topic.
The reasoning and logic you once valued dies a death with dementia.
My husband is only interested in visiting long dead relatives and a cinema which was knocked down in 1960. At first I used to dispute this nonsense but now I ignore and move the conversation on eg on the cinema thing I say " Get your coat on and we'll go out" and once out we go for a walk as he's already forgotten why he wanted to go out. With the dead brothers I just ignore it as I have long ago run out of distractions. Again he has so little short term memory that I can move on to another topic.
The reasoning and logic you once valued dies a death with dementia.
A while back Mum could easily behave in a thoroughly OK and believable way when she wanted to. She knew every trick in the book to pass on questions she couldn't answer and behave totally credibly, be immensely charming and deny any problems. However she always was suspicious that I would 'tell tales on her'.
In my experience the memory clinic/consultants etc had undoubtedly dealt with this 100 times before. They were exceptionally good in a) respecting Mum's GP's wish and mine that the dementia diagnosis was not disclosed and b) the clinic gave me their email address, so I could give an honest update in advance of each meeting on how Mum was getting on and any particular problems that had arisen. In the meetings, I could tell that they subtly alluded to anything I had pointed out in advance and Mum was not aware what was going on.
In my experience the memory clinic/consultants etc had undoubtedly dealt with this 100 times before. They were exceptionally good in a) respecting Mum's GP's wish and mine that the dementia diagnosis was not disclosed and b) the clinic gave me their email address, so I could give an honest update in advance of each meeting on how Mum was getting on and any particular problems that had arisen. In the meetings, I could tell that they subtly alluded to anything I had pointed out in advance and Mum was not aware what was going on.
In the 2 years my wife was under the memory clinic (from the beginning to discharge back to the GP), we saw the same psychiatrist (apart from initial diagnosis with the senior consultant), every 6 months.
We always went in together and I never got the opportunity to speak to him alone. He would always try to get my wife to do the various short memory tests but because of her FTD, she could not do hardly any of them (which is why, I guess, she was eventually discharged).
It always felt a bit awkward when I had to explain about how she was getting on etc in front of her? As time progressed though, she became less aware so it wasn't so much an issue.
We always went in together and I never got the opportunity to speak to him alone. He would always try to get my wife to do the various short memory tests but because of her FTD, she could not do hardly any of them (which is why, I guess, she was eventually discharged).
It always felt a bit awkward when I had to explain about how she was getting on etc in front of her? As time progressed though, she became less aware so it wasn't so much an issue.
Some wonderful person here gave me a tip..sit very slightly back from your OH so he can't see you but the doctor can. Then agree verbally with all your OH says all the while shaking your head so the doctor sees that. It worked for us...
My wife's consultant always talks to my wife first, then to me, then to us both together. My wife is also prone to thinking that nothing is wrong and initially blamed her diagnosis on what I was saying about her. I told her that the diagnosis was down to her test scores and that what I said was probably just taken to corroborate the scores. I also tell my wife exactly what I say and point out that it's simply a matter of fact and ask her why she started down the road of seeing all the doctors if nothing was wrong. At the end of the day I have just tried to develop a thick skin in relation to her accusations but it's very hard going.
Hi flowergirl, I know exactly what your saying. Only difference is we no longer see the consultant it's the GP. As my OH said he didn't want any medication for his mixed dementia.So the consultant discharged him. However like yourself it is awkward sitting there knowing fine well OH is lying, I have tried correcting him & I get the most awful looks off of him .Then I know he will be in a mood & not speak, really I should just tell them because he doesn't speak too much anyway to me but as I have said previous when anyone comes to house he goes into another person all chatty .Cant win can we, I think sometimes we are being too soft & should just say it as it is in front of them. I think I am like this as all my married life I had to pick & choose what I could say to him . He was always quick tempered & moody . I hope all goes well for you tomorrow with consultant . Post your outcome.Good Luck.
Thank you all for your comments I will post again later after appointment. I really am not looking forward to this.
Flower girl
Flower girl
I always email ahead of any visit to hospital or if GP I make a double appointment so I go in to talk about my "knee or my thyroid " but can tell the GP my concerns. If it is the CPN visiting everything is always fine so I have learnt to say that husband is very concerned about all the people who visit but disappear without saying goodbye or thinks his money has been stolen, or he's having to wear someone else's glasses and clothes. He will then talk about this and the CPN knows what is happening. It is so hard having to say things in front of them especially when they don't believe there is anything wrong with them. Good luck
Had the appointment handed my letter to receptionist to pass to consultant all went well. I don't know if it made any difference to outcome, he has changed OH medication from donepezil to memantine hydrochloride and given him some diazepam to take if he gets aggressive. Don't know how that will go down because if he is up tight he is not going to take a tablet from me.
Thanks again for all your support.
Thanks again for all your support.
FG well done for getting through today. I hope the change in medication proves beneficial for you both.
Hi Flower Girl,
Glad the appt with the consultant went well. In January, when I realized that OH had been hiding his meds and flushing them etc. I got lots of advice from Talking Point on how to administer the meds if he refused. We have been given Dipiperon for anxiety which I give to him in a half tablet if he is driving me crazy with the sundowning and anxiety. I am happy to say we do not use it very often, as we have this rigorous exercise program (3.5 to 4 hours of mountain walking x3 per week) and that keeps him relaxed, hungry and tired. But I just counted and I have given him 6 pills since January so 12 times (at a 1/2 tablet dosage) I have not been able to tolerate the situation. I worry that this sedative will cause him to have other issues. But when I need it I will use it.
Some of the suggestions I got were put the meds into a drink or his food. Just ask on talking point and people will tell you how they have handled it.
All the best.
