Hi and thanks for reading. I'm 54 with a 68 yr old husband. He's fairly healthy - slim, plays golf, tho has to take blood pressure tabs & has blocked carotid & blockage in leg. He's always been difficult but it's really getting impossible now. He has weeks when he's friendly, affable. Then for no obvious reason he'll go into an 'episode' - his face is set, he barely speaks, he becomes totally unreasonable. I'm noticing he sometimes struggles to find words & to do things like simple computer tasks (had to get me to sign up for golf club for him - he used to teach me computer!) and things like recording on TV. Even when giving me (almost) silent treatment, he still talks endlessly about golf, relives every move, boasts about compliments from others, never registers that he's going OTT. He sometimes watches it on TV for 9+ hours solid. He's gazing fixedly at screen, not reading or doing anything else. But if I ask a question : "what did they just say?" - he'll look blank & say "oh, I missed that." I dont attempt to argue when he's totally unreasonable as I cant win, so treat him in a resolutely sunny manner, like a child. He would NEVER admit to any such problem, only sees GP for physical complaints. Has to be constantly 'managed' - he'll go from being pleasant ("shall I buy you a new dress?") to a week later refusing to let me buy porridge ("I've spent enough, you'll have to put something back.")- altho' we're financially stable. Very jealous of my son by 1st marriage & toddler granddaughter (I dont have any kids with husband). Got him out doing garden - weekends can be hard as no golf. I have my hobbies which keep me sane. Do you think it's (vascular?) dementia? He doesnt really forget, still drives (tho seems to find it more of a challenge, if going to a new golfcourse, always drives out for a 'recce' first. Writes big reminders for himself for appointments. I just dont know, other people dont see it as he changes in company. Any feedback gratefully received, sorry I've gone on so long . xx
I suspect my husband may have dementia
- Thread starter ukdaffodil
- Start date
Hi
From what you describe, your OH displays many of the signs and symptoms of several types of dementia. If you have not managed yet to get him to see his GP, then maybe you could either speak to the doctor (or the secretary) to explain your concerns? They could then consider writing to him on the pretext that he needs to come in for a review of his existing (physical) conditions.
They could then also check for anything else that could be causing the changes in your OH's behaviours?
Your approach to "managing" the situation seems spot on, though it is not always easy, is it.
In the early stages, my wife used to have her own car but when we changed it, she was really confused by the different layout. This was not altogether unusual but I noticed that she didn't seem to get used to it, even after 6 months. Eventually, she was reluctant to drive and often made excuses not to. Finally, one occasion when I was laid up, so she had to got out to the shops, my son came across her "stuck" at a junction near his house (spot of luck?). It seemed she had stalled the car but didn't know how to start it again!!. That was the moment I knew we really did have to get her checked and she never did drive again.
Good luck and keep us posted.
From what you describe, your OH displays many of the signs and symptoms of several types of dementia. If you have not managed yet to get him to see his GP, then maybe you could either speak to the doctor (or the secretary) to explain your concerns? They could then consider writing to him on the pretext that he needs to come in for a review of his existing (physical) conditions.
They could then also check for anything else that could be causing the changes in your OH's behaviours?
Your approach to "managing" the situation seems spot on, though it is not always easy, is it.
In the early stages, my wife used to have her own car but when we changed it, she was really confused by the different layout. This was not altogether unusual but I noticed that she didn't seem to get used to it, even after 6 months. Eventually, she was reluctant to drive and often made excuses not to. Finally, one occasion when I was laid up, so she had to got out to the shops, my son came across her "stuck" at a junction near his house (spot of luck?). It seemed she had stalled the car but didn't know how to start it again!!. That was the moment I knew we really did have to get her checked and she never did drive again.
Good luck and keep us posted.
You have my sympathy as I am in a similar situation with my 78 year old husband - I am 55. I too am trying to establish a relationship with his new named GP and then write to her. All I can add to the previous reply is to keep a notebook and write things down wen they happen. My husband forgot his PIN again last week. Like your husband, he now struggles on the computer yet he used to be very good and teach me.Thankfully he let the car go as it had bumps appearing and I was terrified to go out with him.
My husband also has the mood changes. At the moment he is living off fortisips adn won't eat proper food, I also do not think he is doing his teeth properly. His mobility is really bad. Like you I am trying to 'manage' the situation and not challenge or upset him.
All I can do is send you my sympathy and support.
My husband also has the mood changes. At the moment he is living off fortisips adn won't eat proper food, I also do not think he is doing his teeth properly. His mobility is really bad. Like you I am trying to 'manage' the situation and not challenge or upset him.
All I can do is send you my sympathy and support.
Many thanks for feedback. xx I will try to contact his surgery & see if anything can be done - would be a relief to know what it is. Best wishes to you too.
Hello - I am a new user to TP but your message resonated so much that I felt I should write. My husband (75) started to show signs of problems about 2/3 years ago and I think I knew what it was but thought I could manage and really didn't hold out much hope of any help etc so did nothing. However, after pressure from my daughter I wrote, confidentially, to my OH's Dr explaining and she called him in for a 'check up'. The rest is history and he has been diagnosed with Alzheimers. I don't know the differences between AD and VD but I know there are similar traits. I can confirm this as a lot of what you say is happening, or has happened, to me and my OH. I have to say my OH does not recognise there is anything wrong with him. I would encourage you to go and get an appt with your husband's GP using the above method. There is a template on either Alzheimers Society website or AgeUK website which gives an ideal letter to send to the doctor. I used this.
My husband used to be a mad, keen cricketer who played (hard) and watched - now he is completely uninterested in this and most other sports. He is unable to process anything really. We can also go for days without speaking and I know my husband's hearing deficiency plays a part but mostly I am sure it is the AD as he has very good hearing aids.
I have managed to make sure my husband's bank cards are kept in my purse as it is worrying if he goes out and gets into some sort of unpleasant situation.
I do hope you can get some peace of mind but I want to say that you are not alone. I have found this out by joining TP just last week and feel better about the responses I have had. Keep up the chins. There is help and support. Aureilhan
developments
Well, I've phoned Dr - who's going to speak to hubby's GP & try to do something tho not sure how it'll go. Have emphasized they mustn't mention my contacting them, and will write to hubby's GP to make sure he's got full picture. Got a very easy-read library book on topic & left it on coffee table but didnt mention it - he picked it up (unusual) & read it for a while but when I idly asked later "do you think we'll ever get dementia?" he was emphatic "No - we have no problem focussing." I see a strange, glazed look coming over him; the initial relief of "so THAT'S why he's been so unreasonable - now I know!" is slowly turning to a horrible realisation that there will be NO good bits in between when he's happy. He just wants to stay home, there won't be too many days out together. He blows £150 on a golf club then tells me we cant go out as they're charging £3 parking. Realising I'm going to have to focus on getting social life for myself.
Well, I've phoned Dr - who's going to speak to hubby's GP & try to do something tho not sure how it'll go. Have emphasized they mustn't mention my contacting them, and will write to hubby's GP to make sure he's got full picture. Got a very easy-read library book on topic & left it on coffee table but didnt mention it - he picked it up (unusual) & read it for a while but when I idly asked later "do you think we'll ever get dementia?" he was emphatic "No - we have no problem focussing." I see a strange, glazed look coming over him; the initial relief of "so THAT'S why he's been so unreasonable - now I know!" is slowly turning to a horrible realisation that there will be NO good bits in between when he's happy. He just wants to stay home, there won't be too many days out together. He blows £150 on a golf club then tells me we cant go out as they're charging £3 parking. Realising I'm going to have to focus on getting social life for myself.
just need hope
I am new to TP and just starting to cope with my partners illness as it seems to be in the early stages we are waiting to go back to the hospital for results of tests they did.
I do hope they can help as I get these days that he will not speak to me or even want me in the same room then other days he's so clinging.
The list goes on of things he does it's so draining and as much as I try to understand I find sometimes I snap which is not like me. He is 81 and I am 68 but I think I will get a lot of help on here with people going through the same thing thanks for reading.
I am new to TP and just starting to cope with my partners illness as it seems to be in the early stages we are waiting to go back to the hospital for results of tests they did.
I do hope they can help as I get these days that he will not speak to me or even want me in the same room then other days he's so clinging.
The list goes on of things he does it's so draining and as much as I try to understand I find sometimes I snap which is not like me. He is 81 and I am 68 but I think I will get a lot of help on here with people going through the same thing thanks for reading.
I often found that, even though there was nothing really practical anyone could do, the fact that on Talking Point, people knew what I was talking about, and understood what we were going through, was such an enormous help. It makes you feel far less alone.
So true, Lady A. I've dipped in and out over the last 2 years, and always found so much support here. Sometimes just being able to let off steam, but also to ask questions, get tips and advice, and also, I've found that the comments and ideas give me motivation to take action, when I'm struggling with it all. TP is a fantastic place.
EG
EG
things not going well...
We heard back from Dr- inviting him in for 'medication check' with specified 2 GPs 'within next 4 wks'- he went in to make appointment, was told they're both off for at least 6 weeks. He reckons he doesnt need medication check anyway so isnt pursuing it.
He's been VERY difficult; I told him I'd got interview for a little p/t job. He was angry on both sides: "You should've got a job sooner (I stopped work in Feb with his permission - 'nice to have you home') -I've been wasting my £ supporting you." Then in next breath "I suppose we wont get any more holidays now you're working." Told me he'll no longer pay for my food or bills even if I dont get it. (Ihave no income at all). No congrats on interview, nothing - surly silence.
I mildly broatched subject of whether he feels himself lately - very gently. When he realised what I was getting at, announced he's leaving ("you horrible person - cant trust you") Tried to say it wasnt thrown out as an insult but I worry about his health, but he's currently sitting on computer trying to find a flat.
I guess things can only get better, he's permanently cross, wont be answered back & I just cant cope.
We heard back from Dr- inviting him in for 'medication check' with specified 2 GPs 'within next 4 wks'- he went in to make appointment, was told they're both off for at least 6 weeks. He reckons he doesnt need medication check anyway so isnt pursuing it.
He's been VERY difficult; I told him I'd got interview for a little p/t job. He was angry on both sides: "You should've got a job sooner (I stopped work in Feb with his permission - 'nice to have you home') -I've been wasting my £ supporting you." Then in next breath "I suppose we wont get any more holidays now you're working." Told me he'll no longer pay for my food or bills even if I dont get it. (Ihave no income at all). No congrats on interview, nothing - surly silence.
I mildly broatched subject of whether he feels himself lately - very gently. When he realised what I was getting at, announced he's leaving ("you horrible person - cant trust you") Tried to say it wasnt thrown out as an insult but I worry about his health, but he's currently sitting on computer trying to find a flat.
I guess things can only get better, he's permanently cross, wont be answered back & I just cant cope.
hi ukdaffodil
it's so tricky to walk the tightrope of saying something, but not the thing that will irritate
it's good that the GPs will act on your request - not helpful with the timing!
I would drop all mention of the medication check, but actually make sure an appointment is made and make it seem as though the GP has made it - after all anyone on any medication is called in for a review once in a while - I'm afraid if dementia is at work, you will have to be sneaky at times
in the meantime, definitely worth keeping a diary of your husband's behaviour so that you can provide the GP with some specific information before the appointment
is there any way that you can squirrel away some money on a regular basis so that you have a bit of a stash just in case you are left without - personally, I'd have the pay from your job paid into an account in your name only - if he notices and questions it, you could say that they required you to do this for tax purposes - if he wants the money, hand over a small amount of it and say you get paid in arrears so haven't had much yet, and say you are earning far less than you actually are
does he check your joint account - would he notice if you set up a direct debit into your new account so that you can always pay for food - and are all the utility bills paid by direct debit so that at least you know they will be paid
sorry if none of this is helpful
best wishes
it's so tricky to walk the tightrope of saying something, but not the thing that will irritate
it's good that the GPs will act on your request - not helpful with the timing!
I would drop all mention of the medication check, but actually make sure an appointment is made and make it seem as though the GP has made it - after all anyone on any medication is called in for a review once in a while - I'm afraid if dementia is at work, you will have to be sneaky at times
in the meantime, definitely worth keeping a diary of your husband's behaviour so that you can provide the GP with some specific information before the appointment
is there any way that you can squirrel away some money on a regular basis so that you have a bit of a stash just in case you are left without - personally, I'd have the pay from your job paid into an account in your name only - if he notices and questions it, you could say that they required you to do this for tax purposes - if he wants the money, hand over a small amount of it and say you get paid in arrears so haven't had much yet, and say you are earning far less than you actually are
does he check your joint account - would he notice if you set up a direct debit into your new account so that you can always pay for food - and are all the utility bills paid by direct debit so that at least you know they will be paid
sorry if none of this is helpful
best wishes
What's your OH's memory like? It may not be a great consolation but before my wife was diagnosed we had a lot of arguments because I thought she had just become so unreasonable etc., however, her short term memory was so bad that she just forgot about them.
Once the diagnosis was made I realised that her behaviour was not her fault; she realised she did have a problem and the arguments stopped.
Once the diagnosis was made I realised that her behaviour was not her fault; she realised she did have a problem and the arguments stopped.
Oh dear, UKdaffodil, not a happy situation.
Just to preserve your sanity I would suggest you go down the route of finding out a number of things.
Firstly, own bank account.
Contact Alzheimer's Society for guidance as this must feel as though you are constantly walking on egg shells. Scroll down the links below for both Alz Soc and Age UK and put in your postcode. The local number will then come up.
I also suggest you have a chat with CAB with regards to your husband being so unreasonable. You are caring for him, putting out food for him and, presumably sharing his bed, not to share the income is hard. May I also, hope this not stepping out of line, suggest you register that you have an interest in the house i.e. that you are the spouse? HR1 or 2. CAB will be able to help you there. If he is looking at flats is he likely to go down the route of selling the house?
For your income have a go on Turn2Us. It is an online benefits calculator.
For your husband, you could go through getting AA (Attendance Allowance) sorted. It is all done online. Alz Soc or Age Uk can help you with that. It is also important as a threshold alert should SS (Social Services) need to become involved. It can also go towards paying for the care he is going to need.
Alzheimers Society
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/
Age UK
http://www.ageuk.org.uk/?gclid=Cj0K...hUjhcOmETRjxOeVfe00aArPZEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds
Best of luck.
Just to preserve your sanity I would suggest you go down the route of finding out a number of things.
Firstly, own bank account.
Contact Alzheimer's Society for guidance as this must feel as though you are constantly walking on egg shells. Scroll down the links below for both Alz Soc and Age UK and put in your postcode. The local number will then come up.
I also suggest you have a chat with CAB with regards to your husband being so unreasonable. You are caring for him, putting out food for him and, presumably sharing his bed, not to share the income is hard. May I also, hope this not stepping out of line, suggest you register that you have an interest in the house i.e. that you are the spouse? HR1 or 2. CAB will be able to help you there. If he is looking at flats is he likely to go down the route of selling the house?
For your income have a go on Turn2Us. It is an online benefits calculator.
For your husband, you could go through getting AA (Attendance Allowance) sorted. It is all done online. Alz Soc or Age Uk can help you with that. It is also important as a threshold alert should SS (Social Services) need to become involved. It can also go towards paying for the care he is going to need.
Alzheimers Society
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/
Age UK
http://www.ageuk.org.uk/?gclid=Cj0K...hUjhcOmETRjxOeVfe00aArPZEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds
Best of luck.
