Worrying her mother must be in hospital, she died 28 years ago

nae sporran

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Oct 29, 2014
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Bristol
Life has been fairly easy, by dementia standards, recently. We even had a lady from AgeUK going through LPA forms and C seemed to be following it all fairly well. We told her daughter about it yesterday and again C seemed to know what was happening. She did start asking some weird questions about her mum while the AgeUK lady was here, but otherwise followed the conversation. I am trying to sympathise and reassure, even trying to distract a little. That seemed to put the worries to bed for a while, then it starts again out of the blue.

This is after the fridge raid the other day, not unusual but definitely on a larger scale than ever.
Is this a new phase starting, and how successful is compassionate communication when things escalate?
Or is she just getting more tired and can we manage changes better by pacing ourselves and particularly by giving C more rest. The funny thing is that she was fine at her day centre and enjoyed her music memories concert fine.

Sorry, rambling a little. Thanks for reading.

EDIT
C had a horrible experience last week when care support worker gave her a very cold shower. Despite everyone since then being kind and gentle she still talks about it. I wonder if that is why she is pining for her mum more than usual, could the trauma ( a bit strong, but she does seem to be badly affected) have affected her.
 
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DMac

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Jul 18, 2015
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Surrey, UK
I guess compassionate communication is still the best way, NS.

I can't think of any explanations, but I can relate a few odd comments from my MIL recently, such as:

"I think my mother and father have gone to Scotland" (they died many years ago)

"A...[late husband] has disappeared, I think he has gone to Scotland" (he died last year)

"I can't work out what's wrong with me" (a rare moment of insight - has always insisted she's AOK)

I have been flummoxed by these remarks, but have just tried to reassure her as best as I can. Sometimes the same questions or comments come up again and again, but I try not to get exasperated and just give the same reply -- again and again!

That's probably not very helpful, but I just wanted to share to let you know you're not alone. I'm sure you are already being as compassionate as you can be. I hope things settle for you. xx
 

Izzy

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Aug 31, 2003
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My mum often spoke of her own parents. She sometimes was very agitated because she said she needed to get home because they would be worried about her. I confess I never managed to deal with this well. I tried distraction, going along with what she was saying etc but I don't think I was successful. I hope C is not too distressed. It's hard when something new comes along.
 

esmeralda

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Nov 27, 2014
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Devon
I'm sorry to hear about the cold shower Rob, that would be a shock to anyone but for a person with dementia at least doubly so. My husband is very sensitive to hot and cold water, to the extent that temperatures in a 'normal' range seem to be almost painful. It's can be very difficult with carers, no matter how hard you try to keep an eye on what's going on one slips through the net occasionally. When I used to do the showering I always started with Nick's feet so that he got used to the water and the temperature. It's not such a shock as suddenly having water on your head. It must be awful not being in control of something so personal.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
 

Aisling

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Dec 5, 2015
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Ireland
Life has been fairly easy, by dementia standards, recently. We even had a lady from AgeUK going through LPA forms and C seemed to be following it all fairly well. We told her daughter about it yesterday and again C seemed to know what was happening. She did start asking some weird questions about her mum while the AgeUK lady was here, but otherwise followed the conversation. I am trying to sympathise and reassure, even trying to distract a little. That seemed to put the worries to bed for a while, then it starts again out of the blue.

This is after the fridge raid the other day, not unusual but definitely on a larger scale than ever.
Is this a new phase starting, and how successful is compassionate communication when things escalate?
Or is she just getting more tired and can we manage changes better by pacing ourselves and particularly by giving C more rest. The funny thing is that she was fine at her day centre and enjoyed her music memories concert fine.

Sorry, rambling a little. Thanks for reading.

EDIT
C had a horrible experience last week when care support worker gave her a very cold shower. Despite everyone since then being kind and gentle she still talks about it. I wonder if that is why she is pining for her mum more than usual, could the trauma ( a bit strong, but she does seem to be badly affected) have affected her.

It beggars belief that care worker would give C a cold shower. What planet do some people inhabit? How awful. Lord help you too.

Yes the questions go on and on. My late husband wondered about his parents too.it is so upsetting for you. There is no point in contradicting anyone. You learn to go with the flow. I agreed with T, distracted him, made tea, looked for myself when he started to look for me. Often changed my jacket and cheerfully announced "I am back now".

It is exhausting. People may tell you to look after yourself.... I have no idea how to do that.

With hindsight, I now advise carers to shout for as much help as they can get. It is not fair to expect carers to do everything. It is not just that people with this awful disease do not get the support and care from health services. Am sick of hearing excuses re no resources etc.

Sending you support,

Aisling
 

cragmaid

Registered User
Oct 18, 2010
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North East England
Cold shower..... or cold bathroom, cold towel, cold shower gel or Dementia memory and shower was not cold in fact, only in recall.;)

Mum in hospital......? "No pet, she's on holiday":D
 

Rageddy Anne

Registered User
Feb 21, 2013
5,984
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Cotswolds
Life has been fairly easy, by dementia standards, recently. We even had a lady from AgeUK going through LPA forms and C seemed to be following it all fairly well. We told her daughter about it yesterday and again C seemed to know what was happening. She did start asking some weird questions about her mum while the AgeUK lady was here, but otherwise followed the conversation. I am trying to sympathise and reassure, even trying to distract a little. That seemed to put the worries to bed for a while, then it starts again out of the blue.

This is after the fridge raid the other day, not unusual but definitely on a larger scale than ever.
Is this a new phase starting, and how successful is compassionate communication when things escalate?
Or is she just getting more tired and can we manage changes better by pacing ourselves and particularly by giving C more rest. The funny thing is that she was fine at her day centre and enjoyed her music memories concert fine.

Sorry, rambling a little. Thanks for reading.

EDIT
C had a horrible experience last week when care support worker gave her a very cold shower. Despite everyone since then being kind and gentle she still talks about it. I wonder if that is why she is pining for her mum more than usual, could the trauma ( a bit strong, but she does seem to be badly affected) have affected her.




Just popped across from another thread, to investigate the cold shower that was mentioned.. That's APPALLING, and no wonder Chrystel was traumatised! My Rob is hyper sensitive to temperature, especially the shower, and I think something similar happened in his case at his previous care home, because he has resisted all personal care ever since.

I think compassionate communication will always be best...though it becomes more difficult as time goes on.

Look after your own health too, Rob. Keeping my Rob at home took all my time and energy and I neglected my own health, checkups etc, and now I think I'm paying the price.
 

nae sporran

Registered User
Oct 29, 2014
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Bristol
Thanks for all the replies and the support.
The bit that throws me off on making up love lies is that C still has good days when she remembers her mum died in hospital, from diabetes related kidney problems which she herself also has problems with.

EDIT
C just had a very pleasant bath in warm water, never even mentioned the cold shower, and talked about her mum in the past tense, so it looks like a short term aberration. I suppose I need to be more patient with her and more aware when the outside carers come in.
 
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nae sporran

Registered User
Oct 29, 2014
9,213
0
Bristol
Just popped across from another thread, to investigate the cold shower that was mentioned.. That's APPALLING, and no wonder Chrystel was traumatised! My Rob is hyper sensitive to temperature, especially the shower, and I think something similar happened in his case at his previous care home, because he has resisted all personal care ever since.

I think compassionate communication will always be best...though it becomes more difficult as time goes on.

Look after your own health too, Rob. Keeping my Rob at home took all my time and energy and I neglected my own health, checkups etc, and now I think I'm paying the price.

That is rather sad that your Rob still refuses help with personal care, Anne. That's bound to give you so much extra work.
 

nae sporran

Registered User
Oct 29, 2014
9,213
0
Bristol
I'm sorry to hear about the cold shower Rob, that would be a shock to anyone but for a person with dementia at least doubly so. My husband is very sensitive to hot and cold water, to the extent that temperatures in a 'normal' range seem to be almost painful. It's can be very difficult with carers, no matter how hard you try to keep an eye on what's going on one slips through the net occasionally. When I used to do the showering I always started with Nick's feet so that he got used to the water and the temperature. It's not such a shock as suddenly having water on your head. It must be awful not being in control of something so personal.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

That's good advice Es, can you come up here and train the staff at our sheltered housing. ;) Your last sentence is something to remember, C always gets defensive when the door bell rings, but usually is fine once they come in. It must be the giving control of something intimate to someone else.
 

Rageddy Anne

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Feb 21, 2013
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Cotswolds
That is rather sad that your Rob still refuses help with personal care, Anne. That's bound to give you so much extra work.

Well, Rob, it doesn't actually give me much extra work now because he's in a Care Home now, and the carers there are as good as can be expected. My health was beginning to be worrying, and if I become ill, he will already be somewhere safe where they know him, so there wouldn't be any frightening drama for him.
 

Rageddy Anne

Registered User
Feb 21, 2013
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Cotswolds
That's a tightrope you tread isn't it Rob, between living with the days and occasions when cognition and memory are good, and those when confusion reigns?

Avoiding and changing the subject get easier the more you experience them, I found. The rights and wrongs of telling the truth fade away in favour of keeping the mood as tranquil as possible.
 

nae sporran

Registered User
Oct 29, 2014
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Bristol
Thanks for the advice Anne. Sorry to hear of your own troubles in positives and on your own thread.

Potentially busy week again with a steak night at the sheltered housing, a concert and barbeque at the neighbouring complex, day centre, memory café and dentist. So, will have to make our excuses and miss a few we would normally like to get to.