Home forgot mum's birthday. I am so upset.

[ferniegirl]

Hi all

Went to visit my mum yesterday on her 92nd birthday. Found her in her room with the door shut and crying. Went to speak to a group of carers and asked them, did they know it was mum's birthday? Blank faces all round. I am so mad. Mum didn't know it was her birthday but that is not the point. Why was she in her room with the door shut? I have requested a meeting with the manager - it's not bloody good enough!

 

[Grannie G]

I always informed the home when it was my husband`s and my mother`s birthdays and contributed towards a party.

I feel it was more important your mum was in her room crying. If she didn`t know it was her birthday she wouldn`t have been crying for that. Did the staff know why she was in her room crying.

 

[Beate]

Quite frankly, I don't think birthdays are all that important anymore once someone has lost the ability to understand, though I always make sure to take in some cake to the Day Centre on OH's birthday, so they can make a bit of fuss about him.

And there are many reasons someone might be crying, not necessary the carers' fault, but someone should have had an eye on her and tried to calm her down. That's the real concern to talk about - is there enough staff to look after her properly?

 

[Soobee]

I am sorry to hear that you found your mum upset with the door shut. Have you ever seen anyone's door closed in this home before? My understanding is that care homes should close the doors for dignity in personal care but otherwise doors should always be open, so that carers can check residents are ok. I'd be interested to hear what reason the manager gives as I can't think of one at the moment. I've edited this because I made the assumption that your mum was bedbound but if she is mobile and the door was closed then obviously it's a different matter because she could have closed it.

Birthdays should definitely be cause for celebration - one day in the year when something different should happen, even if it is just a birthday cake. It is not hard to arrange and I think it makes a big difference to feel special for the day. I am sad for your mum that she didn't get this.

 

[LadyA]

I think it's nice to make a bit of fuss for a birthday too. I did for my husband, even though he didn't know it was his birthday. He did enjoy getting cards though, and he really enjoyed my last gift to him, a very upbeat cushion, with a picture of the sky with fluffy clouds and a jolly yellow heart shaped balloon. He just loved that cushion. His last birthday ended up being very special for me too, because I gave him a card that said "to my husband" on it, and he looked at that for a long time, and then looked at me and hesitantly said my name, questioningly. He hadn't known my name for at least two or three years, nor known that I was his wife, until he saw his birthday card. My husband had always enjoyed birthdays. Not just his own. Anybody's birthday! Cards! presents! Cake! He would be saying "Happy Birthday!" to the person for days!

So, even if the person doesn't remember it's their birthday, personally, I think that making a bit of an occasion for them can be a very good thing. It makes them feel special, remembered and loved.

 

[ferniegirl]

Thank you very much for all your replies. I too, am bothered by the fact the door was shut. Mum is just about mobile on a zimmer frame but I doubt she shut it herself as she was sitting in her room with her breakfast table across her. Unfortunately she cries a lot so it's not unusual. I just invisaged going in and maybe seeing a card or a balloon or something to show that it was a special day, but no. To me it shows they don't really 'care'. She is completely away with the fairies but still needs to be treated like a person.

What bothers me even more is that when I went up to a group of carers and was met by blank looks with regards to her birthday, one of them said that mum had been upset that morning (she hates being showered/washed) but I sat with her for an hour and no-one popped their head round the door to see if she was ok while I was there.

The home got a new manager a few months ago and a few stalwart, good members of staff on mum's floor left. I gather she's not popular and yes, I think they are short staffed. This home costs £1400 a week (!!!!!) and is full. Mum is always clean, her room is spotless, she is well fed but I don't think she gets much attention. I never see anyone sitting or chatting to her. Can't they take on volunteers to give company?

Maybe I am naive as to how it all works but I need to speak to the manager to find out their policies on such matters.

My poor mum. If she could have ever forseen how she would be spending her last years, she would have been horrified.

 

[LadyA]

I suppose that's the way homes differ, Ferniegirl. And volunteers might be hard to come by. Also, (at least over here) anyone volunteering with vulnurable people, the organisation they are volunteering with needs to get them police checked etc. so it's a bit more difficult than it used to be, and takes time. My husband's nursing home always, for birthdays and at Christmas, made sure that each resident got a small wrapped gift and a card. It was usually just a small box of chocolates or toiletries, but I thought it was such a lovely gesture. It meant that at Christmas particularly, no resident, even those who never had visitors, was left out. I'm not sure if many Homes do that though.

 

[ferniegirl]

I suppose that's the way homes differ, Ferniegirl. And volunteers might be hard to come by. Also, (at least over here) anyone volunteering with vulnurable people, the organisation they are volunteering with needs to get them police checked etc. so it's a bit more difficult than it used to be, and takes time. My husband's nursing home always, for birthdays and at Christmas, made sure that each resident got a small wrapped gift and a card. It was usually just a small box of chocolates or toiletries, but I thought it was such a lovely gesture. It meant that at Christmas particularly, no resident, even those who never had visitors, was left out. I'm not sure if many Homes do that though.

Thank you Lady A. The thing is, I didn't expect to find the corridors festooned with balloons and streamers - I just thought they could do a card and some chocs!!! I'm glad your hubby got acknowledged

 

[canary]

My husband's nursing home always, for birthdays and at Christmas, made sure that each resident got a small wrapped gift and a card. It was usually just a small box of chocolates or toiletries, but I thought it was such a lovely gesture. It meant that at Christmas particularly, no resident, even those who never had visitors, was left out. I'm not sure if many Homes do that though.

Mums CH did this for Christmas, but they were not so hot on birthdays. Usually I made sure that they were aware a few days before and I brought a large cake for the whole care home to share, while I did something special for mum.

I sat with her for an hour and no-one popped their head round the door to see if she was ok while I was there.

I dont think the carers at mums care home would have checked up on us either - they would have felt that we would want some privacy, but you are obviously concerned about her care. Would it help to have a chat to the manager?

 

[ferniegirl]

Mums CH did this for Christmas, but they were not so hot on birthdays. Usually I made sure that they were aware a few days before and I brought a large cake for the whole care home to share, while I did something special for mum.





I dont think the carers at mums care home would have checked up on us either - they would have felt that we would want some privacy, but you are obviously concerned about her care. Would it help to have a chat to the manager?

Yes, I'm definitely going to. I am now wondering if I'm expecting too much. I just thought they would have a list of everyone's birthdays considering they live there

 

[Babymare01]

Whilst mum had no idea it was her birthday, for me how the NH, where mum is now, celebrated her birthday was very special to me. Mum was brought down to the lounge which had been decorated with birthday ballons and banners some with mums name on. There were funny hats and squeaky things. A carer took photos of me and mum blowing candles out - well me blowing the candles out - and sent them to me. It was a special day and the staff took time to make it special.

But the crying in her room and that no one checked on your mother for an hour whilst you were there would concern me .

 

[ferniegirl]

Had meeting with manager

Whilst mum had no idea it was her birthday, for me how the NH, where mum is now, celebrated her birthday was very special to me. Mum was brought down to the lounge which had been decorated with birthday ballons and banners some with mums name on. There were funny hats and squeaky things. A carer took photos of me and mum blowing candles out - well me blowing the candles out - and sent them to me. It was a special day and the staff took time to make it special.

But the crying in her room and that no one checked on your mother for an hour whilst you were there would concern me .

How lovely that they made a fuss of your mum! I have now had a meeting with the manager of the home who said their usual policy was balloons on the door, card from the staff and a cake. She seemed very concerned that this had not happened and we went up to mum's floor to find that there was a colourful list on the notice board announcing everyone's birthdays that week - and no-one had taken any notice of it!! Seems the person in charge of that sort of thing forgot. I think she is in trouble and I am glad because I am not impressed with her and the residents don't like her. She is sullen and lacks empathy. I am still upset but at least I feel heard and the home are giving mum a belated celebration. I have had an apology about the door being shut and I have asked the doctor to review mum's meds as she cries a lot. So, I shall be keeping a very close eye on things.

Thank you for all your replies x

 

[Grannie G]

Well done in getting it resolved with diplomacy.