Dad not coping well - shouts at mum

[Dayperson]

I think the deterioration in mum and lack of sleep and certain stresses are making dad shout at mum because she is not quick to do things i.e. go to the toilet.

I am leaving her on her own with dad tomorrow while I go to the bank, how can I advise dad (who won't be told and thinks she should use her brain to go to the toilet as fast as a normal person).

Forgot to say we are amber on adult social services and the continence people are arranging the district nurse to come in as well as ordering some pads.

 

[Oh Knickers]

Hi Dayperson,

It sounds as though the care of your mum is getting your dad down and he is just plain tired. Would he accept any help in the house or for care of your mum? If you think he would be uncomfortable because it would look as though he is not coping say you need it.

There are day centres which your mum might be prepared to go to. That plus care would give him the breaks.

Have you got AA (Attendance Allowance sorted for your mum? You could do that online or ask the organisations below to help. In addition, should your mum have a formal diagnosis you can also apply for Council Tax Disregard for her. You need to have AA in place first. Then go online for your local council. Look for Council Tax, Councill Tax Disregard, Mental Impairment Disregard (tactful not). You will need the diagnosis letter as well. There will be a form you need to print off and take either to the GP or the consultant. Make sure the date of diagnosis is correct and you will get back payments.

Contact the organisations below. Scroll down the page and put in your postcode and the local number will come up. They will know all the organisations locally that will help and they will know of the clubs your mum could go to.

Alzheimers Society
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/

Age Uk
http://www.ageuk.org.uk/

Hope that is of help.

 

[Dayperson]

Hi Dayperson,
Have you got AA (Attendance Allowance sorted for your mum?

No we can't claim for 2 years, we've been in France (I moved there 3 years ago) so the rules state you have to wait. Dad has claimed pension credit to get the council tax benefits and we have already spoken to Age UK. I wanted to go to the Alzheimers Society meet last week but it clashed with DWP coming to fill in forms, so that will have to wait until next month.

Dad rang the memory clinic guy to ask how they were getting on (last we heard they were waiting for a CT result) and he contacted social services for us (he has been to see mum at home and knows she is in a bad way) and they are coming round tomorrow morning.

 

[DMac]

I wonder what is behind your dad's apparent lack of empathy for your mum's condition? I only mention this because my family all believed FIL to be heartless in his responses to his wife's dementia, then it turned out that HE had dementia as well

Whatever the reason, it appears that your mum could be even more vulnerable because of his reactions. Only you know the full story, but please don't hesitate to get back on to SS to escalate your concerns. It may be time to research care homes as well. The priority has to be to keep your mum safe.

 

[ferniegirl]

I have heard about partners of people with dementia getting angry and snappy with them a lot and I think fear makes them angry. They are scared that the person they have known all their lives is becoming ill. Life is changing and it will never be the same again with the very real possibility that their loved-one will have to go into care and they will be on their own. They protect themselves by being in denial and shout and snap as if by bullying them the person will 'see reason' and change back to normal. It's horrible to witness but the lack of empathy is a symptom of deep fear and self-protection.

 

[Linbrusco]

Unfortunately my Dad was a large part of the reason why my Mum went into care earlier than need be.
Mum and Dads marriage was always a rocky one, and despite Mums Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia diagnosis in 2011, early stage bowel cancer 2012 & Alzheimers 2013 he didnt change one bit. Hes always showed no empathy, and little sympathy.
Dad himself was diagnosed with MCI in 2014, but we question some type of dementia and possibly frontal lobe dementia.
He thought by shouting at Mum, laughing at her unusual ways, or telling her to listen, then she would be better.
He would leave her alone, expecting her to remember where he had gone.
He would play tricks on her, hide things.... because he thought was being funny.

Alot of this is Dads usual behaviour, just worse as he gets older.
No amount of talking to him, GP visits, visits from Alzheimers Key worker or Social Worker made him understand.
Because of the situation, we would have Mum at various Daycare groups, and I would take her out most weekends.
Some months prior to Mum going into care Mum said she would never trust Dad to look after her, and it proved right.

Mum has been in care a year now, and Dad still thinks Mum is in hospital, going to get better and come home.

 

[Dayperson]

I think dad just cannot accept when people around him are ill. I had epilepsy for 25 years from childhood and it took years for him to accept I was suffering from it.

I do worry that mum is not far off needing to go in a home and he does not realise he does not help. His attitude to going to the toilet is just shouting at mum until she heads in the right direction (he does not realise that she needs someone to accompany her and remind her what to do). I probably do do too much for mum, but dad is the opposite and when mum has no brain power, it leads to stress and tension for all of us.

 

[Linbrusco]

This was my situation with my parents. There is a link somewhere to Compassionate Communication on this site... all the exact opposite with my Dad.
Hes never been one for illness and when faced with hospitals, illness or bad news he would make some kind of joke unless he had the option of ignoring it.
Taking him to see Mum he has no concept of dementia and why some of the residents have particular behaviours. He thinks they are being cheeky or ignorant.
He talks to Mum as if she understands & remembers everything and he just makes her more agitated. I have ordered him out on more than one occasion. Nursing staff are all aware of the situation.
If he ever needed care, my sister & I have decided he would have to go to a different care home.