Its too much
- Thread starter canary
- Start date
Well, Im back again on another black day.
This morning I dreamed that mum was ill and I had to get over to her as soon as possible. I woke and for a moment I thought it was real. Then I realised that it was a dream. Then I remembered that she has died and I lay in bed with her last few hours, including the final farewell, replaying in vivid technicolor through my mind. I got up, still rather disorientated, wondering why the cat wasnt pestering me for breakfast and then remembered that she too, had died.
While I sat downstairs with a pot of tea trying to get myself back together I heard OH get up and go to the bathroom, followed by a crash. I went up to investigate and found him having a seizure having fallen into the bath. After he had come out of the seizure I managed to get him to use the grab rails and between us got him out of the bath and I put him back to bed to sleep it off. No damage to either OH or the bathroom apart from a few bruises, fortunately. After that, though, everything seemed to go downhill.
I know that there are no answers - I just needed to say this.
This morning I dreamed that mum was ill and I had to get over to her as soon as possible. I woke and for a moment I thought it was real. Then I realised that it was a dream. Then I remembered that she has died and I lay in bed with her last few hours, including the final farewell, replaying in vivid technicolor through my mind. I got up, still rather disorientated, wondering why the cat wasnt pestering me for breakfast and then remembered that she too, had died.
While I sat downstairs with a pot of tea trying to get myself back together I heard OH get up and go to the bathroom, followed by a crash. I went up to investigate and found him having a seizure having fallen into the bath. After he had come out of the seizure I managed to get him to use the grab rails and between us got him out of the bath and I put him back to bed to sleep it off. No damage to either OH or the bathroom apart from a few bruises, fortunately. After that, though, everything seemed to go downhill.
I know that there are no answers - I just needed to say this.
Oh Canary. You really could have done without any of that. You have had so many blows, one on top of the other, are you having, or have you considered having, any counselling? You know we're always here, but you can't actually SEE us, so we have our limitations!
Nevertheless, know that we are thinking of you. Wishing we could do something to lift your heart and lessen your pain a little.
Nevertheless, know that we are thinking of you. Wishing we could do something to lift your heart and lessen your pain a little.
Dear Canary
I so wish I could come round and talk with you. You have always been so supportive to me and others.
What I can see from this thread is two separate situations competing for your energies:
- Grieving for the loss of your mum and your cat
- Coping with what seems to be increasing risks to your OH as he experiences more seizures
You are right; it is too much.
Please, speak to someone tomorrow. Tell them you need help, even if you feel fine in the morning. I don't want to presume the answer, but maybe a spell of respite care for your OH will give you a bit of a breather to come to terms with what has happened to you.
This will pass. Believe it, and be strong. Sending cyber ((( hugs ))).
I so wish I could come round and talk with you. You have always been so supportive to me and others.
What I can see from this thread is two separate situations competing for your energies:
- Grieving for the loss of your mum and your cat
- Coping with what seems to be increasing risks to your OH as he experiences more seizures
You are right; it is too much.
Please, speak to someone tomorrow. Tell them you need help, even if you feel fine in the morning. I don't want to presume the answer, but maybe a spell of respite care for your OH will give you a bit of a breather to come to terms with what has happened to you.
This will pass. Believe it, and be strong. Sending cyber ((( hugs ))).
Id like to explain that having seizures is pretty normal for OH. They are as a result of an accident that he had 25 years ago. He takes a whole cocktail of anti-epileptics and we have been told by his neurologist that they will never be fully controlled. I am watching the frequency of the seizures and he does seem to be having a few more at the moment. This might be due to the stroke (although the stroke was in a different part of the brain), but I think it more likely that it is due to external circumstances. OH needs (and in fact, insists upon) routine. He had his little routines and rituals that took him through the day, but now they are all disrupted. Some things (like walking unaided outside) he can no longer do and other things (like exercises) are new things that he has to do. Also, there has been a constant stream of people - physios, OTs,people delivering equipment, people installing grab-rails, risers etc - coming to the house and lots of out-patient appointments at the hospital. At the moment he is wearing a heart monitor for a 7 day test. He is not coping with this lack of his routine and is waking up during the night worrying about what is happening the next day, who is visiting and where he has to go. Stress has always resulted in more seizures. This is unpleasant for him and although I usually cope with it, unfortunately at the moment, it seems to drag me down further.
Yes, I think the problem is the I do not have any space to grieve for my mum or (to a lesser extent) my cat, because I am also having to deal with OH and his new presentation. He is constantly frustrated, which makes him angry and I have to bite my tongue. I have too many negative emotions - grief, anger, resentment (as well as some old unresolved issues) that have just been shoved into a box in my mind with the lid shut tight. It feels like there isnt enough room left in my brain for me to function any more. Eventually, the visits and appointments will stop and things will settle down again into a new normal, but we are both finding it tough going.
Yes, I think the problem is the I do not have any space to grieve for my mum or (to a lesser extent) my cat, because I am also having to deal with OH and his new presentation. He is constantly frustrated, which makes him angry and I have to bite my tongue. I have too many negative emotions - grief, anger, resentment (as well as some old unresolved issues) that have just been shoved into a box in my mind with the lid shut tight. It feels like there isnt enough room left in my brain for me to function any more. Eventually, the visits and appointments will stop and things will settle down again into a new normal, but we are both finding it tough going.
Once, when going through a terribly difficult time, I felt terribly down, and thought I could do with some medical help, so I took myself off to my gp, who is brilliant. I explained to her all that was going on, and how I felt about it, and what the likely outcome of it all was, and how long it would likely take. She said that as I was able to understand so well what was causing my feelings, articulate them, and understand that there was a cause, there would realistically be a duration and that eventually, they would resolve, she felt I was actually doing fine in the circumstances and it was better to keep going as I was, offload to people when I could, get as much rest as I could, and if possible, get breaks and headspace, even if only short periods, and try that for a while. Well and good, she said, if I didn't pull out of it, then we could think again. She was right, I did get through it. It was long, and very hard, and I think in the same circumstances again, I would go back for some help. Take as much care of yourself as you can, Canary. Get as much rest as you can. Get some headspace if you can, even if it's just staring out the window at the garden. You seem to understand exactly what's going on, and you will get through, one way or another. xx
Likewise, I had a very similar response to Lady A's when I went to my GP for help about 6 months ago. I had a short session of CBT-based therapy at my local hospital. They helped me to understand that what I was experiencing was a result of my situation (funny, I really could not see that for myself!). Here are a few things I learned that might help you:
1. Over 70% of our thoughts are negative - self-critical, fearing the worst, etc. Yes, really! Problems occur when these negative thoughts overwhelm us. The trick is to recognise when it is happening, and break the cycle.
2. Here is a technique to help break negative thought patterns. It's called 5-4-3-2-1. Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, identify:
- 5 things you can see
- 4 things you can hear
- 3 things you can feel or touch
- 2 things you can smell
- 1 thing you can taste.
This will bring you back to the moment, and help to break your mood. It's classic mindfulness, but it does work!
3. If you're a worrier, like me, write out a worry list. Then set aside a time and place just for worrying. Look at your list, then ask yourself what you can realistically do. If you've done all you can, then cross that worry off your list and resolve to worry no more about it!
4. Do something for yourself that you enjoy, or used to enjoy. Even if the feeling enjoyment doesn't come back straight away, persevere with it. It will come back.
5. Last but not least, what everyone says is so true - you must look after yourself. Eat well, sleep well, get some exercise and plenty of rest.
I apologise if this seems patronising or re-hashing of old ideas. Truthfully, I knew most of this before I had the treatment, and I'm sure you do, too. In my case, I needed to be reminded and shown that this advice really did apply to me! As time has gone on, I realise that it has helped me. I hope this helps you in some small way.
Keep posting and take care. DMac xx
Ive not come across that exercise Dmac - I will give it a try.
I am quite good at analyzing situations, so with my professional hat on I can see what is happening and why. The trouble is that it frequently overwhelms me. Lady A - your post gives me hope, though, that the same thing will happen to me and that there will be a finite period.
I am quite good at analyzing situations, so with my professional hat on I can see what is happening and why. The trouble is that it frequently overwhelms me. Lady A - your post gives me hope, though, that the same thing will happen to me and that there will be a finite period.
Anti-depressants
Ive come back to this thread to let you all know that I went to see my GP, she prescribed some anti-depressants and Im beginning to feel better. I still get bad days, but generally they are fewer.
Ive come back to this thread to let you all know that I went to see my GP, she prescribed some anti-depressants and Im beginning to feel better. I still get bad days, but generally they are fewer.
That is so good to hear, Canary! You just had too much of a load to carry by yourself. No harm at all in accepting a little help. xx
giving Canary big huuggss.
Sorry to read your troubles, mine now are insignificant. Take care of yourself.
Sorry to read your troubles, mine now are insignificant. Take care of yourself.
Canary-going to your GP was a brave and positive move. I hope the medication starts to work and you get some relief from your considerable worries.
Love,
Lyn T XX
Love,
Lyn T XX
