A decision of a kind

[kingmidas1962]

As some of you know my mum is in hospital at the moment following a series of falls and rapid deterioration. She hasn't previously been diagnosed with dementia. Although I have had mild concerns about her cognitive functioning for a while, she is a lifelong anxiety (severe) and depression sufferer and mainly her problems revolve around that.

However following said falls, and hospital admission, her difficulties have become much more pronounced. I know that hospital is a very unreal environment which plays havoc with everyone but her decline has been sudden and shocking. She did apparently have an infection when she was admitted - her urine was clear but she had this constant catarrh and cough, and her blood tests revealed her infection markers slightly raised. An x-ray showed faint signs of a chest infection, so that was treated with antibiotics. She hasn't really picked up since.

She cannot remember very much at all about her flat where she has lived for 5 years, nothing about the carers who looked after her, nothing about her routine - she can only remember her closest friend, days of the week are all over the place and she has no sense of time (she cannot remember how long it is since I visited her last - this, however, has made a welcome change from being deluged with phone calls!)

The social worker made her second visit today - two days ago she came to see mum and she would not engage with her at all and insisted that I decide what happens next - I said I'm not able to do that, as while she is able to make her decisions she must try to do so - but the social worker came again today and it was the same story. The SW said that in the light of seeing mum her capacity is very variable and she doubts if she would really 'pass' a capacity assessment but mum managed to say that she won't be safe back in her flat on her own and understands that she needs more care, but she always phrases it that it's me who has the opinions and she is just along for the ride.

So we are moving forward with finding her a 'short stay' (up to 8 weeks) placement with a review at 3-4 weeks to see how mum is getting on. The SW is going to source a list of care homes with vacancies to send to me (as well as me doing a bit of searching) and then I will have to go and see some. I have been off work with exhaustion for three weeks so I could well do without this but if its a means to an end I will have to gird my loins and get on with it. I have a holiday booked in August, and boy will I need it!

 

[angecmc]

Sorry to hear this about your Mum. Sounds like a good plan, just hard having to look around and hope that you have made the right choice. Hope it goes well for you, good job you have that holiday coming up xx

Ange

 

[kingmidas1962]

Sorry to hear this about your Mum. Sounds like a good plan, just hard having to look around and hope that you have made the right choice. Hope it goes well for you, good job you have that holiday coming up xx

Ange

She has always been incredibly demanding and very difficult to please so I start from a default setting of her hating everything - which sometimes makes it easier, bizarrely, because if she even shows one tiny sign of liking anything it's a bonus.What I want to avoid is to have to move her again as it's so disruptive so I've tasked the SW with finding places where a temporary stay could become permanent.

 

[Spamar]

Hi KM,
It's progress of a sort!
I'm sure mum will be catered for. Meanwhile I am worried about you. I know it's going to be difficult, but try and look after yourself. Looking at care homes is not the easiest job in the world, especially as you're not feeling very well.
I asked an ex SS friend where the best care home was and she said the nearest! I didn't quite go for that one, it's at the bottom of the road! Thought he might somehow realise he was close and try to walk home!
However, find a home, do the necessary - sewing name tapes! - and enjoy your holiday!
Thinking of you.

 

[Amy in the US]

KM, I'm sorry to hear your mum is still in hospital and that she's so unwell.

It can be hard to know what is going on: is it the infection? medication? underlying illness? hospital induced delirium? Some or all of the above?

I hope you're able to get something sorted out and that it doesn't further exhaust you in the process.

Spamar, if I could find name tapes, I would consider them for some of my mother's clothes. I should have another look (this is well down on the list of "optional" things, I fear). Name tapes would solve the problem of marking the clothing that is black (most of her trousers).

I use a fabric marker/laundry marker and write my mother's initials inside her clothes, either directly on the fabric, or on the tags, or both.

Mark or label EVERYTHING, and don't send anything you can't replace (especially original/only copies of photographs).

It's very smart of you to look for a place that could care for her now, and in the future, if you can find one that suits. Is there a friend or family member who could go and look at care homes with you? That's a job I find easier to do with company.

You will have earned that holiday several times over! Best wishes to you, and hope you will keep us updated as you have time/energy to do so.

 

[Rosnpton]

Re name tabs
I was recommended the care / nursing home company
Www.carehomelabelco.com
01684 472247
I paid £12.99 for 100 sew in soft touch plain printed labels
They came within 48hrs

For shoes,Clarkes shoe stores donstick in labels for school shoes -I think I paid around £5.00 for 6- I.e. For. 3 pairs of shoes.

The label do does do more elaborate styles etc but I went for quickest delivery option

Ros

 

[kingmidas1962]

Re name tabs
I was recommended the care / nursing home company
Www.carehomelabelco.com
01684 472247
I paid £12.99 for 100 sew in soft touch plain printed labels
They came within 48hrs

For shoes,Clarkes shoe stores donstick in labels for school shoes -I think I paid around £5.00 for 6- I.e. For. 3 pairs of shoes.

The label do does do more elaborate styles etc but I went for quickest delivery option

Ros

Now that's very good advice thank you! My dad went into care in 2012 (he died in 2014) and I could have done with some decent labels. Once bitten twice shy etc! I will investigate thank you x

 

[kingmidas1962]

KM, I'm sorry to hear your mum is still in hospital and that she's so unwell.

It can be hard to know what is going on: is it the infection? medication? underlying illness? hospital induced delirium? Some or all of the above?

Yes, indeed. Some or all of. Especially delirium. It was bad when she was admitted to hospital. REALLY bad. She was absolutely raving. I suspect it's still hanging around and will be for some time

I hope you're able to get something sorted out and that it doesn't further exhaust you in the process.


It's very smart of you to look for a place that could care for her now, and in the future, if you can find one that suits. Is there a friend or family member who could go and look at care homes with you? That's a job I find easier to do with company.

My older cousin has offered to come but she has only just been through similar with her mum in law - she's 73 and her mil is 99! I don't really like to ask her. My brother is miles away and he does what he can.

 

[Philbo]

I am hoping that my wife (PWD) will not need residential care for some time yet (she's has FTD, diagnosed in Jan 2014) but reading here the advice that you should plan ahead, I recently visited a care home 18 miles away. The reason for this one, was it is one of the few places that not only specialises in dementia care, but is also women-only.

It was a little on the old fashioned style but was well staffed and organised and the manager and carers seemed very good. I got to talk to some of the residents but came away with mixed feelings.

There's no doubt that it is well run, very caring and a safe environment. However, my wife would be the youngest person there (by about 20 years) and though she would be self funding, her savings would only last for about 18 months to 2 years. Like many other homes in the area, they no longer take in LA funded residents. So I worry about choosing somewhere for her that may be suitable, but then face the trauma (for both of us) of having to find somewhere else, when her funds run out.

 

[ellejay]

My older cousin has offered to come but she has only just been through similar with her mum in law - she's 73 and her mil is 99! I don't really like to ask her. My brother is miles away and he does what he can.

If your cousin has offered, it may be that she would be happy to support you, because she wouldn't have the responsibility she had with her MIL. More relaxed & impartial.

Good luck anyway

Lin x

 

[2jays]

This may sound depressing.... but it is meant as advice...

Please try not to write on the labels of clothes, but use name tapes

It's an awful task sewing on name tapes, but it's an agony, well it was for me, to have to throw good clothes away that had been written on the label, as our charity shops would not accept clothes without a label

Just a thought xx

 

[Amy in the US]

2Jays, that is good to know. I would not like for good clothes to go to waste, I agree. Luckily, I haven't had any trouble donating clothes with marked up labels here where I live, but of course that depends on the organization, their rules, and what they will accept, and it's good to make people aware that it could be an issue.

For items you wouldn't donate, however (underthings come to mind), it's much quicker to use a laundry/fabric marker. If I had had to do name tapes (even the iron-in kind) in all my mother's underclothes, considering the amount of pants she's gone through in the last two years (what with her throwing them away, hiding them, et cetera), I would have gone completely insane. As it is, I'm partially nuts anyway.

I keep meaning to get the shoe labels; I'm tired of her slippers going missing. Thank you for the reminder! We have Clarke's stores here in the States, and I also thought of trying the shoe stores that specialize in children's shoes, as they might carry the shoe labels as well. I never had been able to figure out how to label her shoes! Now, how on earth do I label her glasses?

KM, if your cousin has offered to help you look at care homes, I would take her up on it. One of my main rules of dementia is never to refuse help when it's offered!

I also found that my husband, my aunt, and I had very different reactions to some care homes, and it was good to have their perspective, even though I had to make the decision. Also, my aunt's been care home shopping several times before (unfortunately), so the experience was welcome.

Also don't forget that you can always put someone on the waiting list for a care home, even if you're not sure you need it yet/want to use that care home/whatever. It does no harm and generally they will contact you when a place comes open, which you can always refuse and go back on the list. Better to have it and not need it, than the other way round.

Hope something works out for you.

 

[Spamar]

Hi KM, only just caught up. I'm out at the moment, but will have a look when I get home. I used a mixture of labels, sew on, stick on, clip on, as well as writing on things with permanent marker and using nail varnish for things like his specs. It didn't stop things getting lost/ go missing.
There were 4 people who worked in the laundry, one of them was dyslexic!

 

[Slugsta]

I use the clip-on labels for Mum's clothes, it saves having to fiddle around with needles and thread or irons etc.

https://www.wovenlabelsuk.com/schoo...8dGwZxQbDfrepTJ7vEbHlfxx8rSF0maNawaApyX8P8HAQ

They are OK in slippers and fabric shoes but not leather. Not that it matters now as she is bedbound and not wearing shoes!

 

[Aisling]

As some of you know my mum is in hospital at the moment following a series of falls and rapid deterioration. She hasn't previously been diagnosed with dementia. Although I have had mild concerns about her cognitive functioning for a while, she is a lifelong anxiety (severe) and depression sufferer and mainly her problems revolve around that.

However following said falls, and hospital admission, her difficulties have become much more pronounced. I know that hospital is a very unreal environment which plays havoc with everyone but her decline has been sudden and shocking. She did apparently have an infection when she was admitted - her urine was clear but she had this constant catarrh and cough, and her blood tests revealed her infection markers slightly raised. An x-ray showed faint signs of a chest infection, so that was treated with antibiotics. She hasn't really picked up since.

She cannot remember very much at all about her flat where she has lived for 5 years, nothing about the carers who looked after her, nothing about her routine - she can only remember her closest friend, days of the week are all over the place and she has no sense of time (she cannot remember how long it is since I visited her last - this, however, has made a welcome change from being deluged with phone calls!)

The social worker made her second visit today - two days ago she came to see mum and she would not engage with her at all and insisted that I decide what happens next - I said I'm not able to do that, as while she is able to make her decisions she must try to do so - but the social worker came again today and it was the same story. The SW said that in the light of seeing mum her capacity is very variable and she doubts if she would really 'pass' a capacity assessment but mum managed to say that she won't be safe back in her flat on her own and understands that she needs more care, but she always phrases it that it's me who has the opinions and she is just along for the ride.

So we are moving forward with finding her a 'short stay' (up to 8 weeks) placement with a review at 3-4 weeks to see how mum is getting on. The SW is going to source a list of care homes with vacancies to send to me (as well as me doing a bit of searching) and then I will have to go and see some. I have been off work with exhaustion for three weeks so I could well do without this but if its a means to an end I will have to gird my loins and get on with it. I have a holiday booked in August, and boy will I need it!

This is good progress. Go for it.

Aisling xx