Forgets parents have passed away

[Beachlover]

I am new to the forums and my mum is 85 and has had vascular dementia for many years.

Not sure if anyone has had this problem – but one of the issues is that my mum can be OK but if she has a nap during the day she can wake up very disorientated and asks where her parents are, where her brother is etc – even though they all died years ago. When she is told that they’ve passed away she goes through the bereavement thing all over again with hours of sobbing etc and saying no-body told her. This is very difficult not only for her but for my father and I as well. Quite often she refuses to believe they’ve passed on and wants to confirm on the phone with other (living) relatives – which she does do so she goes on the phone and they confirm it – but sometimes it’s slow to sink in with her. Then she accuses my father and me of not telling her about their deaths. Ironically some days she does remember they’ve passed away. The only way to reduce the crying is to give her a 2mg diazepam but, although she does take tablets, she’s suspicious of taking them and it takes ages for her to calm down. Has anyone else had this and was there anything you did? I have thought about lying and saying that her parents have gone on holiday or popped into town but she does get very agitated so not sure if she’ll believe that.

Thanks in advance.xx

 

[Canadian Joanne]

This is a very common thing - almost universal, I think.

My mother would ask for her parents (who both died in 1970), particularly her mother. The first time, I told her Grandmother was dead, it was as you say, like the first time she heard and floods of tears. I quickly learned to say "Oh they're fine, same as always."

This was a love lie. It is far more important, in my opinion, to keep our loved ones as happy as we can.

As to where dead people are, pick the place that makes the most sense. At work, at school, whatever you can think of that your mother will accept. If she disagrees, you can always say something like "Oh my memory - I can't remember. Where should they be now?" and perhaps she'll fill in the blank which you can use another time.

 

[Beachlover]

Many thanks for the reply - we'll give it a try . The trouble is that she gets so agitated that it's difficult to calm her down.

 

[Zana]

We have had the same with MIL, she used to swear she had been to visit relatives who had been dead for decades amazing not least of all because she hadnt left the house! She even went looking for a cat she had as a child.

When she used to ask about them we just said everyone was ok , turn the convesation to something else or talk about old times which cheered her up.

I can only imagine the horror of having to experience the news that your loved ones are dead time and time again as if its the first time and it must be exhausting for the carer.

Some lies are told from love and therefore not bad ones.

 

[canary]

Mum did exactly the same. She was often more confused when she woke up from an afternoon nap. If she is getting upset at being told that her parents have died then it would be better to give her an explanation that she would accept.

You might find this helpful
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/sho...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired

 

[Aisling]

I am new to the forums and my mum is 85 and has had vascular dementia for many years.

Not sure if anyone has had this problem – but one of the issues is that my mum can be OK but if she has a nap during the day she can wake up very disorientated and asks where her parents are, where her brother is etc – even though they all died years ago. When she is told that they’ve passed away she goes through the bereavement thing all over again with hours of sobbing etc and saying no-body told her. This is very difficult not only for her but for my father and I as well. Quite often she refuses to believe they’ve passed on and wants to confirm on the phone with other (living) relatives – which she does do so she goes on the phone and they confirm it – but sometimes it’s slow to sink in with her. Then she accuses my father and me of not telling her about their deaths. Ironically some days she does remember they’ve passed away. The only way to reduce the crying is to give her a 2mg diazepam but, although she does take tablets, she’s suspicious of taking them and it takes ages for her to calm down. Has anyone else had this and was there anything you did? I have thought about lying and saying that her parents have gone on holiday or popped into town but she does get very agitated so not sure if she’ll believe that.

Thanks in advance.xx

Her parents will be back soon, gone out for a while etc. In my opinion there is no point in telling her that they have died.

Aisling xx

 

[Rageddy Anne]

The people my husband has asked about have been "away on holiday" an awful lot! Sometimes they'll be back tomorrow, sometimes they've just nipped out to the bank, or are away for the weekend, or delayed on a journey. Because his memory is very short, these little white lies can be used over and over.... It's better than telling the truth which would be distressing.

Now he's in a care home, I try to foster the idea that I live there too, which avoids any distress when I leave. So I'm just nipping out to post a letter, or a doctor's appointment, or similar. I ask the carers not to tell him I will be visiting, but to say I'm busy in the kitchen or doing some washing, things like that.

 

[Saffie]

I think that nearly everyone will come across this. There is no point in repeating the fact that someone is dead, especially when it leads to such overwhelming distress. It is far better to give reassurance to someone living with dementia than to upset them unnecessarily. The normal rule of telling he truth just doesn't apply where dementia is concerned when it means adding to a the fear of someone already suffering.

If I'd replied to my husband's query of where I was going when I left his nursing home that I was going home while he remained in his nursing home, he would have been distraught. Far kinder to say I was just popping out to get some milk, bread or a paper.

 

[Beachlover]

Many thanks to all that have replied - it's so much appreciated. Today she can remember her parents are dead and is currently sobbing as I'm writing this. Things are difficult as she's had dementia for 13 years now and my Dad and me are worn out.

 

[Rageddy Anne]

Its so draining isn't it? Sorry you all have to go through this.
How are things? Have you needed any little love lies since you posted? I was surprised how easily I slipped into the way of dodging the truth just to avoid the distress I knew would result from the stark facts...

 

[arielsmelody]

I wonder if she has been doing this for so long that it has become a sort of a habit - maybe a pattern rather than a habit. Could you try to change her routine slightly - maybe try to wake her up with a cup of tea and some cheerful chat rather than waiting for her to wake up by herself.