Getting more violent

[Rosnpton]

Hi
Just off loading-apology in advance

Mum moved from residential to the dementia unit in April this year because of safe guarding issues around lots of (mainly staged) falls and trips to a&e.
The idea being she gets a lot more supervision as staff ratio higher. Her friend from residential (no dementia- has diabetes and mobility issues) can go over for coffee,and in the evening mum was taken back to residential for the scrabble group.

Today I arrived at 1045am and was told she was in the residential lounge with her friend.
I went in,greeted everyone (2 residents on their own, 2 that I hadn't seen with visitors).

She wasn't in a brilliant mood. Said her hearing aid didn't work-I sorted it out the tube was blocked.
Her friend said mums knitting bag gone missing.
Mum looked at the treats bag I take with me then told me she needed me to water her plants. I asked if she wanted her treats took to her room,told yes. I said I'd look for her knitting bag.
I went to her room ,the bag had been put on her bookcase,probably above her eyeline.

I spoke to a carer when I put her puds in the fridge,and mentioned mum seemed to think she was back in residential,and was quite agitated. Carer said she 'comes back for meals' which seemed to imply mum is spending g a lot of her time in residential.

I went back,walked in saying I'd found her bag.Was told I was shouting,but I think she had turned hearing aid right up.
She ranted accusing me of hiding the bag/ how dare I go in her room/ etc.
I crouched down in front of the wheelchair she is using,and quietly reminded her she had asked me to go and water the plants etc.
She was shouting,and one of the new residents started having a bit of a go at her saying 'she always causes trouble' (I hadnt seen him before)
His vision then started telling him to stop interfering .
Mum was saying I'm interfering and wants me to go. I agreed,but asked her to calm down a bit as she was disturbing everyone.
She tried to get the wheelchair to run into me,but this one had brakes on the back so she couldn't move it.
The resident arguing back at her now had his wife telling him,quite loudly,to stop interfering.
I told mum I'd get some one for her and she suddenly leant foward and tried to 'stab' me with the pair of knitting needles that were in her ball of wool.She missed, and I removed the bag from her reach and went for help.
As I went into the dinning room,I saw a carer from the dementia unit walking towards me.
I said mum was kicking off,she was still arguing with the other resident. She said mum was shouting but so had I been-she hadn't been in the room,or indeed the dinning room when I'd gone through a few minutes before. I said I'd raised my voice a little when accused of mumbling,but that mum was intact arguing with a resident now.
I said she had started when I'd given her the bag of knitting as had lost it. The carer said mum couldn't have lost it as had been knitting Friday . I answered her friend Ruth had to,d me she had given mum her spare needles and some wool and that mums red bag hadn't been with her since about wed.
I went back and got my stuff and left. The carers went in and I could here mum rowing with them

I sat in the car to calm down,and I saw the carer who'd said I'd been shouting in the smoking patio.
I went over and gave her the bag of treats I'd inadvertently picked up when I left. I said if I was the cause of mums upset I'm not visiting unless someone else is with me. I told her they still needed to chase up physio for mum to be issued with her own chair,and that I'd rung three times this week,but only got an answerphone.
The carer said she would tell the senior on the dementia unit 'what had happened and let her sort it all out'.
I left feeling I was being reprimanded for mum trying to stab me with her needles and for doing as asked by going to her room.

We were told,after the safe guarding complaint end of April that she needed to be in the dementia unit as there were more staff on hand to help and sit with her etc if she is upset.
It is also quieter over there, with a pleasant enclosed garden they can use.
If mum is spending most of her time back on residential,she isn't being checked up on as regularly.
She may not be taking her meds.correctly as often secretes in her top denture and then spits out.

All in all,if I'd let her stab me,maybe they would have had to section her and I wouldn't be feeling so sh...y and fed up
Sorry for long winded rant

 

[LadyA]

You are perfectly right. Your mum was moved to the Dementia unit for a reason. Why is she then apparently spending most of her time in the Residential unit? How confusing for her! And how convenient for the nursing home! I assume the Dementia unit costs more, having a higher staff ratio, etc? But they can pack more people in, if Dementia unit residents are going to spend their days with what seems to be little supervision, in the Residential unit! No reason for YOU to feel in the wrong - I would think they have some explaining to do!

 

[Onlyme]

On a safety level I would think she should only have her knitting under supervision. It does sound as if she should be on the dementia unit as at least you won't get people who don't understand about dementia.

One of my late Mum's nurses told me I upset her when I visited. Well of course I did as Mum was at the stage where she had one foot in remembering if sonething triggered a memory and the other foot in living in the present day. Me going brought back memories and fury that she could do things (all my fault). I was hit, spat at, slapped, growled at, teeth clenched at me and a drink tipped on me in her rages. This stage passed and we moved the calmer waters.

 

[canary]

I think you should speak to the manager and express your concerns, rather than sending messages through carers who are (in the words of my mother) "twp penn'eth of Gawd 'elp me" who probably wont even pass on your messages!

It does sound like she needs to be in the dementia unit more. Is she spending time in the residential bit because of her friend?

 

[Rosnpton]

Thank you for reading my rant,and taking the time to reply
When mum moved to the dementia unit,it was following a safe guarding concern raised by paramedic and 111 staff over the number of call out in a short period of time. In a 10 day period,paramedics had been to see her 6 times and a higher number of calls not resulting in a visit made.
She is a high functioning altzheimers patient-on a good day she passes capacity,but can't wash,dress,change pads,toilet herself,etc etc.
She was moved to the dementia unit as a lot of the falls were considered 'staged' (my brother and I had said this all along,but we're not believed). Mum would be found on the floor,make a lot of fuss about getting up,scream in agony etc.
The last time this resulted in a&e,as I was nearer to the hospital than the carers e when they called me,I met her in a&e. She hadn't seen me,and was just going in a cubicle with one paramedic.the other came to talk to me saying this was the 3rd time that crew had seen her in a week.that this time she was screaming when they tried to touch her,saying pain more than 10/10. As the hand off to the nurse was being done,we heard her asked about level of pain,did she need any meds(hadn't had early morning tablets in case hip broken)? She replied,pain only about 4/10 don't need any tablets!
we moved her,and the plan was that she remained in the dementia unit apart from goi g back for the evening scrabble club,which she enjoys,and any entertainment being held specifically in residential.
Her friend could go into the dementia unit whenever she liked and had been going for coffee most mornings,and they see each other for the knitting circle and book club weekly as well.
Mum hates me. Always has done as I'm female,she only wanted a son. This I've lived with for 55yrs and have quite a thick skin. She has even told care staff during a rant,that when she was told I was a girl,she wished me dead (I was born 6 weeks prem.)

I know she is ill and a lot of her angers stems from this,but we (brother and me) can tell when she has dementia voice on,or normal mum by body language ,the choice of words etc etc.
I was coping,to a degree,with this until the upturn in the physical violence.since March I've been bitten so bad I needed a tetanus and stitch,clawed at,had tea chucked at me,scratched,wheelchair run into my legs and now the needles.
I think what has really upset me was a)she seems to have been allowed to spend all her time recently back in residential. And b) the carer presuming the other raised femal voice was me.
I will wait and see what the senior come up with if/when called.
I've told the family I am no longer going on my own unless it is a real emergency.
This will mean she no longer has weekly visits.
Brother goes 1 in 3 weeks, my husband is now an agency worker whilst looking for a new job following redundancy. This means we get a txt or email at 8.30pm the night before offering work,so we won't be able to plan a visit as he may have a shift.
My girls both live just over 1 1/2 hrs away in opposite directions to each other,and as one is hospital doctors, the other a speech and language therapist,they also work shifts.
I know it is awful, and I apologise to all those who have lost their pwd, but I wish it was over.
Ros

 

[marionq]

I think you are astonishingly tolerant. If I thought a relative didn't like me and actively attacked me I wouldn't go back. You are amazing.

 

[Shedrech]

hi Rosnpton
I second marionq - you've been amazing - so I'm sadly glad to read that you will no longer visit unaccompanied, and that means you will not visit anywhere near so often - it sounds as though your mum has wangled her way into getting things at the home as she wants them (sorry if that is too strong a way to describe it, but that is how it seems to me) so the staff will have to deal with her on good and off days
I personally can't understand why your mum is spending so much time on the 'wrong' floor - and she is clearly causing some upset, from the reaction of the other resident (I've found in my dad's home that though the residents may have dementia, they still often are spot on with their reactions to other residents) - so I agree with canary, that a chat with the manager would ensure that your thoughts are noted, and hopefully your wishes acted upon - if not, then the staff must manage your mum, and I hope they can parry the knitting needles
best wishes

 

[Moggymad]

Sending you hugs from a fellow Northamptonian! Perhaps just keep in touch with senior staff so you know how things are going but good idea to keep some distance from your mum now. By the way being accused of shouting by the staff, was it when her hearing aid was blocked up? Bloomin' cheek X