Unpleasant experience - not for the squeamish!

ferniegirl

Registered User
May 10, 2015
54
0
Surrey, UK
Hi, I visited my 92 yr old mum in her care home yesterday and we were sitting in her room. She said she needed the loo (she is still just about mobile with a walking frame) and she got herself into the bathroom. After a minute or two I could hear little cries of distress so I peeked around the door only to find that my mum had done a 'number two' and had BOTH hands in the toilet, breaking the stuff up as she said it was 'too big' to flush!

A quick look out the door revealed that a carer wasn't in the immediate vicinity and as it was going everywhere I 'dealt' with it.

I calmed her down and left feeling really sick and shocked. To see my very proud and dignified mum reduced to that was horrendous.

What a vile disease this is. Anyone else had to deal with this sort of thing?
 

LynneMcV

Volunteer Moderator
May 9, 2012
6,116
0
south-east London
Every now and then my husband will do a ridiculously long number two and there is no other option than to break it up in order to flush it away. I have heard other folks reporting these mammoth jobbies too.

It's not a pleasant business and I do feel for you. The best we can do is put on a brave face and deal with it as if it is the most normal thing in the world so as not to make our loved ones more embarrassed than they might already be.

Yes, it is a horrible disease, stripping our loved ones of their dignity.
 

lemonjuice

Registered User
Jun 15, 2016
1,534
0
England
A reassurance you're not the only one

I'm afraid to say you're not the only one. Though my experiences were some years back, before Mum even became aware of 'toileting' at all and just left everything or was totally unaware of having performed.

You see their 'policeman' which tells them what is acceptable (and in this case hygienic) behaviour is damaged. All sense of decency/ politeness tends to go. Believe me I've heard of some sufferers who even 'play' and hurl it around.

Your main concern will be to try to ensure your mother does not go unattended to the toilet (prevention) and if you find she has, to scrub her nails (treatment to avoid contamination and illness / infection). Also she might need some regular doses of a laxative, so the waste doesn't build up in the intestine and become so compacted. Constipation is quite a problem as they tend not to drink as much as they need to.

You're right it is a vile disease. Like all the other problems though, at some point she will reach the point of being totally unaware of any toileting issues.
 
Last edited:

nitram

Registered User
Apr 6, 2011
30,081
0
Bury
If you have a hand held shower on a long enough hose you can blast it away with hot water.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
If they are in a care home the carers will be used to this sort of thing, though its upsetting to witness. Mum hated me cleaning her hands/nails - I had to make it part of a "manicure"

PS I use biological washing powder and warm water to break it up.
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,283
0
SW London
Not unusual, I'm afraid.
Past a certain stage I would take my mother to the loo if she needed to go while I was visiting. By then she needed guiding with every step, even down to how to sit on the loo. After I once said, 'Now let's wash your hands,' she tried to put them into the still-flushing water!
Another time, while we were sitting in the main area, she fished a little 'nugget' out of her pants - 'oh, look!'
She honestly had no idea what it was. I had to lead her away like a 2 year old, to wash her hands.
 

jimbo 111

Registered User
Jan 23, 2009
5,080
0
North Bucks
Hi, I visited my 92 yr old mum in her care home yesterday and we were sitting in her room. She said she needed the loo (she is still just about mobile with a walking frame) and she got herself into the bathroom. After a minute or two I could hear little cries of distress so I peeked around the door only to find that my mum had done a 'number two' and had BOTH hands in the toilet, breaking the stuff up as she said it was 'too big' to flush!

A quick look out the door revealed that a carer wasn't in the immediate vicinity and as it was going everywhere I 'dealt' with it.

I calmed her down and left feeling really sick and shocked. To see my very proud and dignified mum reduced to that was horrendous.

What a vile disease this is. Anyone else had to deal with this sort of thing?

Hello ferniegirl

I know many members will have shared your experience

Your quote
"I calmed her down and left feeling really sick and shocked. To see my very proud and dignified mum reduced to that was horrendous."

is a cruel reminder of this horrible disease
My wife was a very,very private person and the memories are still very painful
I coped by using latex inspection gloves
for some reason , as long as had these I found that I could cope with all the 'disasters '
but it didn't help the sadness that my lovely wife was suffering such indignities
jimbo
 

Aisling

Registered User
Dec 5, 2015
1,804
0
Ireland
Hi, I visited my 92 yr old mum in her care home yesterday and we were sitting in her room. She said she needed the loo (she is still just about mobile with a walking frame) and she got herself into the bathroom. After a minute or two I could hear little cries of distress so I peeked around the door only to find that my mum had done a 'number two' and had BOTH hands in the toilet, breaking the stuff up as she said it was 'too big' to flush!

A quick look out the door revealed that a carer wasn't in the immediate vicinity and as it was going everywhere I 'dealt' with it.

I calmed her down and left feeling really sick and shocked. To see my very proud and dignified mum reduced to that was horrendous.

What a vile disease this is. Anyone else had to deal with this sort of thing?

It is so, so sad Ferniegirl. My heart goes out to you and to your Mum. Yes it is awful but be proud of yourself. You death with it. To see your mum like this is beyond heartbreaking.
Virtual hugs going to you.

Aisling xxxx
 

ferniegirl

Registered User
May 10, 2015
54
0
Surrey, UK
Thank you for all your replies and for the virtual hug Aisling - much needed! I am sorry that a lot of you have gone through this too and obviously regularly if you looked after your loved-one yourself.

The last three years have been such a learning curve; what on earth is going to happen next?

Poor mum, I dearly want her to pass away but my fear is that this is going to go on and on. My dad is also in a home at 101 and although he hasn't got Alzheimers he is dreadfully frail and tired and just exists; but both their hearts keep on beating.

I hope one day they will be at peace and my siblings and I can grieve properly instead of being stuck in this limbo-land of having lost our parents but not being able to mourn properly.

Thank you again.
 

Witzend

Registered User
Aug 29, 2007
4,283
0
SW London
Yes, Jimbo, it's particularly awful when the person was an intensely private type before. My mother was, so to see her go through such indignities was horrible. People used to say, 'What does it matter now - she doesn't care,' which was true, by then she didn't care any more than a baby, but I cared for her. I would prevent anyone other than close family visiting her - had to fib and say she'd be agitated since she'd no,longer recognise them! - but in truth it was just that I knew her former self would have HATED for them to see her like that.
 

Rageddy Anne

Registered User
Feb 21, 2013
5,984
0
Cotswolds
It's that part of the brain that used to say"unacceptable" and is now damaged beyond repair.

My husband fished a little something out of his underpants, showed it in an " isn't this interesting?" sort of way to the Carer whose English was limited, and said" What's this? Oh, it's excrement". She looked baffled, and I was delighted that he had remembered such a good word!
After a while nothing will surprise you. I am no longer surprised at anything, and nor are the good carers.

Friends visiting do need to be distracted though.....
 

kimberleyclown

Registered User
Jan 20, 2014
1
0
West Midlands, UK
This is the same with my mum. I dread visiting her because sometimes she is covered in poo, her sheets and even curtains. The home do their best but it breaks my heart because mum seems to have no idea what's going on. I don't know how to overcome my fear of visiting.
 

Shedrech

Registered User
Dec 15, 2012
12,649
0
UK
hello kimberleyclown
welcome to posting :)
I can appreciate your reluctance to facing finding your mum in such a condition - your poor mum deserves better
you say the home staff are doing their best - I'm not sure I would feel the same if I arrived to find my dad and his room in such a state and no-one actively helping him - is there a reason the textiles aren't immediately put in bags for soiled items to go to the laundry? - and even if your mum resists personal care, the staff should have ways of helping her and getting her clean after any such 'accident - no way would any resident in dad's home be left in this state - yes these things happen; and trained staff should be able deal with them straight away
ask the manager if you can have a chat next time you visit and ask how they support your mum with her toileting, then if you don't get sensible answers, complain
I hope things improve and you can visit your mim confident that she will be in hygienic surroundings, clean and tidy
best wishes
 

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