Tears now

[annnie]

After nearly three years of having my lovely Mum, (who has dementia ) living with me and my husband, I put her into a care home yesterday. It it supposed to be for respite but even though it was done because I'm exhausted and the rest of the family were concerned about my health , I feel like going right back to get her out now. She cried so much and said it wouldn't have been so bad if only we had told her. When I rang today I was told (the staff seem nice ) that they had seen her walking down the corridor holding hands with another old lady. While that should be good I just can't seem to stop crying about it.
Mum has wandered once (out of the bedroom window in the night! ) so is in a secure unit and this other lady is the only other person there who is mobile and can speak.
I don't know how I will be able to visit without upsetting her that she is not coming home or what state she will be in if she ever does come back.
Sorry for this long ramble, this is the only place I know where where people will understand.

 

[Lancashirelady]

let's face it - nobody choses to go into residential care. They always think it's going to be horrible and will kick off because they are frightened by the unknown and , I suspect, to make you feel guilty, No-one seems to admit that the PDW becomes completely self absorbed! I know this sound callous but it's true. My Mum went into a home 18 months ago for her own safety and now has no recollection of the house she lived in for 35 years. She still gets weepy when I leave after visiting but has forgotten I've been within 5 minutes.

 

[Rosnpton]

None of us expect to be carers for our parents,or to have to make use of a care home.
You need the break
She will be safe,fed,medicated,washed.
There will be tears,tempers,shouting,but she may also settle into her new surroundings reasonably quickly.
You need to step back a little,stop being her carer,go back to being her daughter,who did the best she could,and is now accepting help.
It doesn't mean you don't love her,and can't care for her,just that you are no longer her main carer
.Take care of yourself
Make the visit short and sweet
Don't over stay until both you and her are more used to the change
Best wishes
Ros

 

[LadyA]

It's so very difficult, this loss. And it IS a loss, and must be grieved.
When my husband went to a nursing home, of course he wanted to come with me when I was leaving, the first couple of weeks. Then, he wanted me to stay. And then, he became convinced that I actually was there all the time, somewhere around the building "busy". I made a point never to bring a coat or bag in with me when visiting. I just strolled casually in in indoor clothes. That way, there was no visual cue that I was getting ready to leave, which would trigger " I want to go with you" . And I timed visits so I was leaving as he was going for lunch, and just said " see you later". Visits were, in the early weeks, kept short, no longer than about twenty minutes, but the Home was close enough that I could go every other day.

It's a very hard decision to make, to have to place a loved one in residential care. But, we want them to have the best care possible, and sometimes that means acknowledging that we ourselves can't provide the level of care that a fully equipped, fully staffed Nursing Home can.

 

[father ted]

Oh Annie,

When your Mum first needed support did you run? Did you think of a home straightaway and not entertain the thought of helping her at home?
No! Your first response was to take your Mum into your home and give her love and support in the family home, her family home. That says a lot but we all know there is only one outcome with dementia and there is no hope of improvement only decline so I am sure you had hoped to have her with you till she quietly slipped away in her sleep. We all wish for that but we know life isn't like that. My Mum lives with me and it has on the whole worked out well but I know if I couldn't cope or felt my family were loosing out because of having dementia 'under our roof' I would not hesitate putting Mum in a care home. Yes it would riddle me with guilt and regret but I would do it.

Any change is hard but she will be fed, medicated, be able to rest etc. You can visit whenever you want. You have done the best for your Mum.

 

[Dunkers58]

After nearly three years of having my lovely Mum, (who has dementia ) living with me and my husband, I put her into a care home yesterday. It it supposed to be for respite but even though it was done because I'm exhausted and the rest of the family were concerned about my health , I feel like going right back to get her out now. She cried so much and said it wouldn't have been so bad if only we had told her. When I rang today I was told (the staff seem nice ) that they had seen her walking down the corridor holding hands with another old lady. While that should be good I just can't seem to stop crying about it.
Mum has wandered once (out of the bedroom window in the night! ) so is in a secure unit and this other lady is the only other person there who is mobile and can speak.
I don't know how I will be able to visit without upsetting her that she is not coming home or what state she will be in if she ever does come back.
Sorry for this long ramble, this is the only place I know where where people will understand.

Hello Annie

I was where you are 3 weeks ago. My mum shouted at me saying she hadn't chosen to be there , subsequent visits were she hated living there, she doesn't remember how frightened she was at home. interestingly she never mentions her warden managed flat where she moved from. Hang in there.... the last 2 visits i have had have been lovely, Mumwas happy to see me and didn't say anything about hating it, staff say she is interacting. Any change for anyone is difficult must be worse x100 with dementia. I still feel nervous before going and am sure it won't all be plain sailing , it i am encouraged, I try and visit before. meal or activity, then the carer distract and also can keep the visit short. You have done the best for your Mum and I know mymMum would be horrified if she knew the stress she had caused me. it will get better.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello annie

You would need a heart of stone not to be in tears about your mum. I`m sure we`ve all shed tears when the decision for residential care has to be made. I`m also sure even more tears would be shed if the primary care suffered breakdown and crisis care had to be found.

It`s all about compromise and trying to do the best for everyone. It`s never a happy solution, it`s just making the best of a terrible situation.

I hope your mum settles soon and you will not find it so difficult.

My mother used to walk the corridors, hand in hand with another lady. They didn`t know each other. They never spoke. But somehow they managed to give each other comfort. I was really upset when the other lady died before my mother.

 

[cragmaid]

Annie, You did not put your Mum into a home.......Dementia did that.
You cared for her to the best of your ability and to the detriment of your health....now let someone else take the load.
Love Maureen.x.x.

 

[Moggymad]

Hi Annnie I 'get' what you're saying. 3 wks ago I took my mum to a respite centre for her own safety where she is currently awaiting res care placement. During this time I have had to ' let go' with her care although I still raise certain concerns with the staff there. When other members of the family visit she never mentions home, when I go she does. I know home to mum was where she lived some years ago & not the flat I had to rush her out of within an hour. I feel she misses my involvement with her & I do too. Eventually in mum's eyes I will probably become just a visitor like other members of the family. In a way it is a grieving process having to let go of the care & handing responsibility over to other people. In my case other ladies in the centre have befriended mum & I'm really grateful for that as it has helped her settle. As time goes on your mum will adjust & the care home will become the norm for her. It's us that take a little longer to adjust & let go. We held a privileged responsibility for our PWD. One day when your exhaustion has passed I hope you will look back & rightly feel very proud of yourself.

 

[love.dad.but..]

I cried all the way back up the motorway when I left Dad at his care home, had to tell love lies to get him there, I know he would have been searching for me, my mum, someone else in his dementia mind after I had gone. A couple of days later I was greeted with 'thank goodness you came back for me' had to turn away as my eyes filled with tears. I regret dementia made me make the decision but I don't regret that or any other decision including end of life decisions I had to make in Dads best interests. It will get easier for you, still very raw and you will have many more tears but what you have done for your mum is out of kindness So that she is safe and looked after. Now look after yourself and you will come to hopefully the same stage that I reached after 4 months...took dad a while to settle...you can relax into visiting knowing you have done the right thing at the right time.

 

[annnie]

Thank you for all your insightful replies. They were helpful and hopeful. When I was looking after Mum I certainly cried sometimes and was frustrated often but I tried not to let Mum see me upset. She used to say I was looking tired so would I like her to go home so I could have a rest!. I think yesterday I let out all that pent up emotion. Thanks again for your kind words, what an asset TP is going through this unexpected dementia journey .

 

[saskia]

Thank you for all your insightful replies. They were helpful and hopeful. When I was looking after Mum I certainly cried sometimes and was frustrated often but I tried not to let Mum see me upset. She used to say I was looking tired so would I like her to go home so I could have a rest!. I think yesterday I let out all that pent up emotion. Thanks again for your kind words, what an asset TP is going through this unexpected dementia journey .

Totally agree annie - without reading these posts, I was ready to get my mum out of the care home (she's been there just over a week & hates it)

the last visit Saturday -we had to run out the back door as she was going mad about being put in a prison (anything but - huge airy place with grounds like a stately home!) & she asked to go home at least 30 times.........she gets up & walks to any door, rattles the handle, then moves onto the next door. heartbreaking.

am visiting tonight on my way home & will take the advice to keep visit shorter - in my mind, if I'm not with mum for at least an hour whats the point -but I have to remember to live in that moment with mum - as she will forget after I left.

hate hate dementia.

sas
x

 

[annnie]

Saskia, it is all so hard isn't it, while Mum was at home the idea of respite helped keep me going, but after ringing tonight, apparently she is trying all the doors just as you describe. I'm pretty sure that's what I would do too if I thought I was there by mistake. Mum was staying with my sister while me and husband had a weekend break, but I got a stomach bug and wasn't able to bring her back, she is 100 odd miles away.
I hope your Mum settles in quickly.

 

[DMac]

My MIL has been in a care home for nearly a year now. She's more or less settled nowadays, but it took a while to get to this point.

It fell to me to take my MIL into the care home, and I had to resort to trickery to get her there. Basically, I told her we were going out for coffee, and the care home staff happily obliged by bringing us coffees into the (secured) garden, where we sat enjoying the sunshine. Then I pretended to go for a comfort break, but instead of returning, I left her there and legged it out of the home. I was scared stiff that she would be angry and resentful, so I stayed away for a week. As it happened, she had no recollection of these events, and was very happy to see me when I did eventually visit!

Annnie, hang in there. Give her time to adjust. Give yourself time to adjust, too. This is a massive change fraught with grief, worry, and fear for the future. Counter-intuitive as it may seem, it may be a good idea to hold off visiting for a short time to allow her time to settle. She will be in safe hands, and you will get the chance to get some of your life back and, I hope, your health too. Take care. xx