I am looking after my mother with dementia and cannot stand it anymore - I wash, cook, clean, make & take to appoinments, washing, medication, try to keep her safe, and work a stressful job. Nobody ever says (unless I pay) 'I will do that' just once so I don't have to get up at 6am to wash her..... someone get me out of this bl...y nightmare!
I can't do it anymore
- Thread starter Miserable
- Start date
Hello Miserable
I`m afraid you are the only one who can get yourself out of the nightmare. You cannot possibly be expected to be a full time carer when you are in full time employment.
I was in full time employment when my mother had dementia and although I took full responsibility for her care I didn`t provide it. I provided care evenings and weekends but made sure she had day care in the early years and residential care as she became more in need of personal care and a risk to herself.
I hope you will feel supported by those of us who have been in your shoes on TP and will feel enabled to make the right decisions.
I`m afraid you are the only one who can get yourself out of the nightmare. You cannot possibly be expected to be a full time carer when you are in full time employment.
I was in full time employment when my mother had dementia and although I took full responsibility for her care I didn`t provide it. I provided care evenings and weekends but made sure she had day care in the early years and residential care as she became more in need of personal care and a risk to herself.
I hope you will feel supported by those of us who have been in your shoes on TP and will feel enabled to make the right decisions.
Welcome to the forum Miserable. Sadly, such is the modern world we live in. However, there are ways to make things a little easier on you. If you have a look here: https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/faq.php?faq=resources#faq_resources_helpline you'll find the phone number and email address for the National Dementia Helpline, who will be able to advise you best on getting help.
But the fourmmers who've already answered are right, you can't do it all, while working full time, with no help. At the very least, you should apply for a Needs Assessment for your mum. Is she receiving Attendance Allowance? Maybe getting carers in to get her up and washed in the mornings would make a difference? I know you would have to get up too, but at least you'd only have yourself to see to. You could have a cup of tea and breakfast in peace, while the carers see to your mum.
But the fourmmers who've already answered are right, you can't do it all, while working full time, with no help. At the very least, you should apply for a Needs Assessment for your mum. Is she receiving Attendance Allowance? Maybe getting carers in to get her up and washed in the mornings would make a difference? I know you would have to get up too, but at least you'd only have yourself to see to. You could have a cup of tea and breakfast in peace, while the carers see to your mum.
That's really positive. Well done for taking that step! Let us know how you get on.
onmyown
I feel for you its not easy and i too have had it today! I could not work and take care of mum with dementia. I do not have a full time job as i put that on hold to take care of her. Wish i hadnt now and may need to think about a home for her as i cant go on like this. Siblings are abroad or interfere but dont care and dont even believe she has dementia?
I cant tell you what to do all i know is i was warned years ago my health would suffer and now its has. I have chest pains now that i never had before? cant stop smoking as im constantly stressed?
Promised mum id never have her in a home but now im not so sure its a bad thing. I cant do this anymore im worn out dream of having a life like my friends and just trying to get back to being me again.
I dont think my mum in her normal state would want me to kill myself to keep her out of a home?
Its very hard to make this decision but im sure we are not alone here. My mums hygiene is just getting unbearable she wont wash and her sheets have to be changed everyday now. i dont care about the work i care about the constant abuse and lack of appreciation from her and siblings.
I feel like cinderella?
I feel for you its not easy and i too have had it today! I could not work and take care of mum with dementia. I do not have a full time job as i put that on hold to take care of her. Wish i hadnt now and may need to think about a home for her as i cant go on like this. Siblings are abroad or interfere but dont care and dont even believe she has dementia?
I cant tell you what to do all i know is i was warned years ago my health would suffer and now its has. I have chest pains now that i never had before? cant stop smoking as im constantly stressed?
Promised mum id never have her in a home but now im not so sure its a bad thing. I cant do this anymore im worn out dream of having a life like my friends and just trying to get back to being me again.
I dont think my mum in her normal state would want me to kill myself to keep her out of a home?
Its very hard to make this decision but im sure we are not alone here. My mums hygiene is just getting unbearable she wont wash and her sheets have to be changed everyday now. i dont care about the work i care about the constant abuse and lack of appreciation from her and siblings.
I feel like cinderella?
Dear Miserable,
Please consider what Sylvia has suggested or at least get carers in. You can also consider some respite and get carers to come and stay with your mum. I have just responded to a thread by Onmyown and I forgot to say that those people who do not do their share of caring forget that one day they will need care themselves or they will become carers to their partners!
MaNaAk
Onmyown, sorry you are feeling so low, too - I think Cinderella is having a better time than us
All I want is for my mum to live safely and happily in the community for as long as I can possibly keep her - she only has one life, and while my siblings don't care one bit (only come to her house at Christmas for a few mins) I certainly do! I might invest in a voodoo doll...
I hope everyone on the forum have a good weekend
All I want is for my mum to live safely and happily in the community for as long as I can possibly keep her - she only has one life, and while my siblings don't care one bit (only come to her house at Christmas for a few mins) I certainly do! I might invest in a voodoo doll...
I hope everyone on the forum have a good weekend
Hi, yes I feel the same.
The reality is everything is stretched to the limit.
Social services are slow when you're in desperate need.
The care agencies are stretched and can't provide time slots and are late and can't provide the care you need.
You end up spending every penny your family ever earned on care.
It's a depressing and miserable situation and there are obstacles and set backs at every turn.
I can't do it anymore either, but what choice do we have.
The reality is everything is stretched to the limit.
Social services are slow when you're in desperate need.
The care agencies are stretched and can't provide time slots and are late and can't provide the care you need.
You end up spending every penny your family ever earned on care.
It's a depressing and miserable situation and there are obstacles and set backs at every turn.
I can't do it anymore either, but what choice do we have.
Carpe diem - I agree with everything you say. I had carers come in who were late, didn't bath her because she said she 'had already bathed', and didn't encourage her to put clean clothes on. She had taken herself to bed by the time the night carers had come.
Until I found this forum I couldn't either look at the word Alzheimer's without an internal rage overtaking me - I couldn't contribute to fund raising when at work, I just couldn't. This forum has made me realise how many other people are having a crappy time too.
Sad, oh so sad for us, as well as poor loved ones who, I am sure, would hate living the way they are.
Have a good day folks x
Until I found this forum I couldn't either look at the word Alzheimer's without an internal rage overtaking me - I couldn't contribute to fund raising when at work, I just couldn't. This forum has made me realise how many other people are having a crappy time too.
Sad, oh so sad for us, as well as poor loved ones who, I am sure, would hate living the way they are.
Have a good day folks x
As long as possible.
Nobody can be expected to do what is impossible.
It' time you made decisions.
Don't feel guilty. You are a wonderful daughter
i really know how you feel i am at the end of my tether looking after wife with dementia,who is getting worse and no one wants to help unless we magic up money.soon i fear it will be to late.try to stay strong.
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