Anyone dealing with a narcissistic sister?

[Onmyown]

hi,
is there anyone dealing with a narcissistic sister who is hell bent on causing trouble with my demented mum?

She lives abroad but yet has managed to cause all sorts of trouble here mentally abusing my mum against me telling her "shes dosnt care about you shes only looking after you because shes nowhere else to go". Shes living off you? Shes controlling your money? I dont want to give up on mum because of her but shes done nothing but try and control mum dosnt want to come home and care for mum just cause trouble and control things like her pension? her house?

any advice of course this is a serious mental illness she has and not treatable ive read the best thing is to avoid her? thats ok but when shes here with mum i come back to hell mum being brainwashed against me?

 

[Sam Luvit]

You can't argue with an Eejit, it just brings you down to their level

People do the strangest things. It could be guilt that is causing your sister to act like this. She can't bring herself to care for your mum & lashing out at you makes it easier for her to deal with the guilt. By blaming you, she feels better

It could be that she genuinely believes you are taking advantage, fighting her will not change her mind

Could you write or email her, a calm explanation of the situation. Better still, send it to her partner or good friend, asking them to help explain to your sister the devastating effect she is having on your mum?

Would cold hard fact help? If you walk away, your mum will go into a care home, at around £60k a year, the house would be sold to fund it & contact would be more difficult for your sister while she is abroad.

I suspect you have tried these things, you sound tired of the fight . I'm sure it's hard to keep going when you feel your sister is making a difficult situation even harder. You may not be able to change her actions, but you can try to lesson the impact on you by giving her the facts & not reacting to her accusations

I doubt you've been & bought a new car, had several holidays abroad or revamped your wardrobe, so there is no proof to be had that you are taking advantage. You can look in the mirror & know you're doing your best. Try to hang onto that

TP is a great place to vent your frustrations & get some perspective. Plenty of people here who will make better suggestions than I can, keep posting & hang in there

 

[Caroleca]

Suggestions? Wish I had some. I am in same situation ...carbon copy...difference is mum with dementia passed away in December and now it's dad turn! He does not have dementia but she manages to create complete havoc ...drama queen of the century...she does not live abroad but closer to dad than me. I know that Sam made some suggestions...but I understand your pain...no...emails do not help a mentally ill person who considers themselves the blameless victim ...contacting pp close to them is also a waste of time as pp close to a person like this is in a head in the sand situation. All I can say is I do my best to keep the peace and mostly that is...absolutely no contact ...no matter what....responses always seem to make the situation worse IMO....just do the best you can and remember it's all about your mom and that's all that is important. Time will pass and as long as you feel that you are doing your part..ultimately ...that's what counts. You are not alone. Take care if yourself

 

[Lulabelle]

Onmyown - you too!? I thought I was the only one. I am in the exact same situation as you. My sister is a narcisstic bully who won't take 'no' for an answer. I have ceased to communicate with her. It really is the only way. These people never listen to you in any case so it's pointless engaging with them.

The worst thing is the turning of your Mum against you - this is heartbreaking, I know but don't feed the monster and try, if you can, not to involve your poor Mum in the arguments. Change the subject and she will soon, if she's like my Mum, forget about it.

My sister has actually taken us (me and my brother who are Mum's attorneys) to the Court of Protection but, as this is still ongoing, I can't say too much other than that a Judge has cleared us of any wrongdoing whatsoever.

Anyway, good luck and stay strong.

 

[Selinacroft]

Hi Onmyown

If I were you , if you are not already doing it, I would keep some notes, a care diary and separate accounting system.
I bundle up receipts for one month so I can justify any expenditure (Not that I have an awkward sibling) and pop them in an envelope.

I would also keep a diary of care you provide for example, made and served breakfast, lunch , dinner , supper, took mum to bingo, gave medication AM and PM, cut the grass, organised GP apt, changed books at library, emptied and cleaned commode- a brief description of the kind of things you helped with each day whatever they may be.

Find out what your local rate is for paid Care Agency staff- round here £25- £28.00 per day. Just booked Dad into respite at £172.00 per day.

You don't need to throw this at your sister but if it ever gets stirred up enough to involve a third party - you have your amunition ready.

 

[Sam Luvit]

.... of course this is a serious mental illness she has and not treatable ...

Sorry if I misunderstood, but I thought this was referring to your mum

If that's about your sister, then nothing you say or do will make any difference. In that case, Caroleca is right, try to keep a distance & don't respond to her arguments. Easier said than done I know

Keeping a record of care you provide is a very good idea, in case you need it later on