Help me understand

[Moglie]

I'm having a difficult time with my 73 year old mum, since dad was diagnosed with early stages of Alzheimer's.... she is so aggressive and angry... every time I see her she makes some antagonistic remark. I know it's hard, but she is taking it out on us, her children... who are doing their very best to support them on this journey. I think she is depressed, but try telling her that. Please help me understand how it feels to look after someone 24/7, because at the moment I can't handle her (dad with his dementia isn't difficult he's currently very docile).


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[BR_ANA]

Your dad can be on hostess mode with you.

There are lots of things are lost when caring, as freedom, sleep, opportunity to talk light with someone.

How many times did she get the question is it Thursday today?

Maybe your mother need more help than she is having.

 

[irismary]

Hi Moglie. I probably sound like your mom to my family and friends - I don't have children. I am resentful, feel like a drudge with no life, trying to understand how my husband feels when he cannot tell me, I am followed everywhere including the loo, have no conversation, little or no support from those who should help - doctors, dentists, etc., have to do everything in the house and garden, all bill paying and each day is like groundhog day. I am stressed, depressed, unable to sleep - oh yes and feel so guilty because I love my husband more than I can say and he deserves better than this - he does not deserve Alzheimer's (no one does), and he deserves constant kindness and compassion. Once I am with another adult it all pours out, I try not to, I try to think about them and ask how they are but I am obsessed with the situation I am in. Its really good that you are being so supportive, please keep it up. She probably wishes she didn't off load on you but who else does she have? Sorry if I sound harsh, its really hard for you too of course.

 

[Moglie]

Your dad can be on hostess mode with you.

There are lots of things are lost when caring, as freedom, sleep, opportunity to talk light with someone.

How many times did she get the question is it Thursday today?

Maybe your mother need more help than she is having.

I think so too, she needs to allow us to help though... stubborn as a mule [emoji57]


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[Moglie]

Hi Moglie. I probably sound like your mom to my family and friends - I don't have children. I am resentful, feel like a drudge with no life, trying to understand how my husband feels when he cannot tell me, I am followed everywhere including the loo, have no conversation, little or no support from those who should help - doctors, dentists, etc., have to do everything in the house and garden, all bill paying and each day is like groundhog day. I am stressed, depressed, unable to sleep - oh yes and feel so guilty because I love my husband more than I can say and he deserves better than this - he does not deserve Alzheimer's (no one does), and he deserves constant kindness and compassion. Once I am with another adult it all pours out, I try not to, I try to think about them and ask how they are but I am obsessed with the situation I am in. Its really good that you are being so supportive, please keep it up. She probably wishes she didn't off load on you but who else does she have? Sorry if I sound harsh, its really hard for you too of course.

Thank you, your words moved me greatly... I'm sorry you are in this position. I will try to be more tolerate and try harder to understand. Wishing you and your husband my very best wishes [emoji18]


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[irismary]

Hi Moglie. Thank you and I too have to try and be more understanding of my husband. Its hard but it is really good that you are there for your mom, many aren't, so well done, I can guarantee your mom appreciates your support. Take care xx

 

[calvlaw]

Hi Mogile,

I'm currently in the same boat as you with my 60 year old mother, who cares for my 78 year old father.

I'm pretty sure my mother is clinically depressed, however she won't take advice or listen to reason and is very erratic in her behaviour etc.

We had a fallen out a couple of weeks ago regarding her two dogs who were alleged to have been attacking other dogs while she walks them.

Gave her a couple of weeks to calm down and went round to speak to her again to try and resolve things. Again nothing had changed, she was withdrawn and wouldn't listen to reason.

I'm honestly at my wits end with her, as are my two younger sister so we know what you're going through. It's a difficult one.


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[Cobber]

She is possibly feeling guilty about her feelings, so taking it out on you. The emotional part is the hardest to cope with, to let go of caring for even an hour, although you really need that hour. Have you tried sitting with your dad, while she has a bath, with no interuptions, get a friend to take her out for a coffe, whilebyou "sit" with uour dad. Does she attend dementia cafe, talking with people in same situation, who truly understsnd, has been a lifeline.

 

[Moglie]

Hi Mogile,

I'm currently in the same boat as you with my 60 year old mother, who cares for my 78 year old father.

I'm pretty sure my mother is clinically depressed, however she won't take advice or listen to reason and is very erratic in her behaviour etc.

We had a fallen out a couple of weeks ago regarding her two dogs who were alleged to have been attacking other dogs while she walks them.

Gave her a couple of weeks to calm down and went round to speak to her again to try and resolve things. Again nothing had changed, she was withdrawn and wouldn't listen to reason.

I'm honestly at my wits end with her, as are my two younger sister so we know what you're going through. It's a difficult one.


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Nightmare, isn't it... I never know what I'm going to get with mum and she's the one without dementia [emoji53]


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[Moglie]

She is possibly feeling guilty about her feelings, so taking it out on you. The emotional part is the hardest to cope with, to let go of caring for even an hour, although you really need that hour. Have you tried sitting with your dad, while she has a bath, with no interuptions, get a friend to take her out for a coffe, whilebyou "sit" with uour dad. Does she attend dementia cafe, talking with people in same situation, who truly understsnd, has been a lifeline.

All good ideas and actually is the first time I've got her to take some time out. I picked up dad at 10 am and dropped him back at 3 pm... giving her time to take her time in the bath, style her hair and read a book... dad was good too, enjoyed going to the local shops and then had lunch with me and my husband in the garden. Hopefully she will let us do it again soon.


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