To home or not to home

Trisha4

Registered User
Jan 16, 2014
2,440
0
Yorkshire
Mick had his first ever overnight stay in the care home last week. Previously I thought it would break my heart but I could describe my response best by saying it was like realising you only had had a pain once it had stopped.
The GP, care home manager and others think it's time for full time care. I'm still struggling with the idea.
I have debates with myself. Guilt, feelings of meanness and thoughts of Mick hating me are countered by comments I've read on TP about improved relationships when the spouse isn't doing all the caring bits. The thought of giving up on him is balanced by the sense that I can still take him out and spend time with him.
And I can argue both sides! The hurt of this dreadful illness never stops.


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marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,449
0
Scotland
Absolutely understand and I have this debate with myself often. A friend said that something will happen and the choice will be taken out of my hands. I think of this too and would rather make the change on my terms.

Thinking of you.
 

Marcelle123

Registered User
Nov 9, 2015
4,865
0
Yorkshire
If the change will become inevitable, then it might be best for you to take the step yourself so that your OH can adapt as best possible. By making that decision - if you do - you have been strong for his sake and you can do your best to make it work by becoming a new sort of carer.

Nothing is ever easy, though, is it? Wishing you all the best in this sad situation.
 

LadyA

Registered User
Oct 19, 2009
13,730
0
Ireland
From what I understand of the UK system, if you make the decision before it becomes a crisis decision, then you have a lot more choice and input into which Home he goes to?

I can only say that with my husband, it had come to necessity. He had tried to strangle me twice, over personal care. He was having none of me changing his pads or cleaning him. He was also deteriorating so rapidly at home, as he was neither eating nor drinking anywhere near enough. I was handing him fresh drinks every half hour or so, in the hope he would at least take a sip or two. Once he went into full time care, he thrived! He loved having uniformed, male carers to help him, and they never had any aggression or violence from him. The uniforms and the slightly clinical atmosphere helped him understand that they were there to help. He took his medication with no problem, again, a uniformed nurse helped with this. He had the space to walk around in safety, on the wide, flat corridors, where there were no door straddles to trip on. The dining room was set up like a good restaurant, and he ate & drank everything they offered, and gained weight. Yes, for a couple of weeks, he wanted to come "to be with me" - and then, he wanted me to stay. But he got back his usual gentle, sweet personality, and would light up when he saw me coming. He came to believe that I lived there too, and was just busy somewhere else when I wasn't with him. I was lucky of course in that the home was only about 20 minutes away, and literally on my way to almost anywhere I was going, so I visited every other day at least.

Think about it - it's a big decision, but can be the right one for both of you. xx
 

Feline

Registered User
Oct 25, 2012
163
0
East Devon
Mick had his first ever overnight stay in the care home last week. Previously I thought it would break my heart but I could describe my response best by saying it was like realising you only had had a pain once it had stopped.
The GP, care home manager and others think it's time for full time care. I'm still struggling with the idea.
I have debates with myself. Guilt, feelings of meanness and thoughts of Mick hating me are countered by comments I've read on TP about improved relationships when the spouse isn't doing all the caring bits. The thought of giving up on him is balanced by the sense that I can still take him out and spend time with him.
And I can argue both sides! The hurt of this dreadful illness never stops.


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Trisha4 and Marionq,
I had to make that decision 18months ago and Rob went into care. Two weeks later I had to care for my parents as they were unable to cope. I was able to look after my parents, knowing that Rob was being well looked after while I wasn't with him.
Luckily the care home we chose, which had him for day care as well,have been fantastic with Rob, (he has to have everything done for him and he can't talk) but he is looked after really well and is always included in outings (in his wheelchair) on the home's bus.
He is always included in the am and pm activities as well. When I go to see him he always looks well and has put on weight with the lovely food.
For me , although I found it hard to make the decision, I now know it was the right one.
When I am with him, all the hard work is done by the carer's unless I want to participate.
So good quality, relaxing times with him.
Hope this helps.
 

Trisha4

Registered User
Jan 16, 2014
2,440
0
Yorkshire
Absolutely understand and I have this debate with myself often. A friend said that something will happen and the choice will be taken out of my hands. I think of this too and would rather make the change on my terms.

Thinking of you.

I agree with you Marion. I'm told it will be inevitable if / when there is a crisis. I don't want things done in a crisis. I want an organised transition into the care home I have chosen.


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Spamar

Registered User
Oct 5, 2013
7,723
0
Suffolk
OH had two separate stays, each of two weeks, in a care home for my respite. The third time, I got a tummy bug, then he got a chest infection. At the end of five weeks he was in no state to come home, so remained for the rest of his life, some three months.