Care home costs and family dispute.

Guiness

Registered User
May 26, 2015
13
0
Mum went into a care home 2 months ago. It's a good home but the room is small, no view etc. Room costs £600 a week, council pay £500 a week and Dad pays additional £100. A nicer room has become available which we (Dad, myself and my 3 siblings) all looked at and liked to varying degrees. Dad and one sibling thought the improvement was marginal; I and 2 others were very enthusiastic about it and thought that Mum would be happier in there.

Cost of new room is £750 per week and Dad said he'll fund an additional £100 (to £700). Mum has shares and assets worth about 13k so I've suggested to everyone that the additional £50 per week comes from this (enough to last 5 years) so she can have the new room. The reply came back from Dad to say that he had spoken to everyone else and everyone agreed that Mum should stay in her current room and that he wouldn't fund the extra £50 a week, despite my message stating clearly the funds wouldn't come from him. Everyone was copied into the message and no one else commented so I know I am (again!) completely alone on this.

As POAs we have to use Mum's funds in her best interests. Is using her funds to pay for a better room appropriate? Is it reasonable for the other POAs to say 'no' on this matter? Prior to Mum going into the home (a few months) ago the POAs (including me) had agreed that Mum's shares should be sold to pay for a new dementia friendly bathroom, so the principle of selling them to use for Mum is established. Personally I would be willing to pay my fair share of the £50 extra a week (if it can't come from Mum's funds) to make sure Mum is as happy as possible but there is no way on this planet or any other planet my family would join me on this.

It's caused me a huge amount of upset this week. Mum is very depressed and not coping well in the home and I want to do all I can to help her but I can't get anyone to support me. And don't get me started on the fact that Dad has shares and cash worth about £300,000.
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
5,678
0
Midlands
To me, its would be more about how much time she spends in the room itself.

if she spends the majority of time in communial rooms ( Dining room/lounge etc) really , the space in which she actually sleeps is neither here nor there. The flip ide is, if she isn't keen on her room, she is more likely to emerge and socialise, abeit on her own level.


Is a change of room actually going to make her happier? I doubt it

They are as entitled to say no as you are to say yes!!
 
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Guiness

Registered User
May 26, 2015
13
0
Unfortunately she is spending nearly all of her time in her room, that's part of the problem. The new room is en route to the lounge/communal areas and we'd hoped it would encourage her to join in. If she continues to spend nearly all of her time in there (of the past 20 times I've visited at random times she's been in there 19) then little things might help. New room has view of gardens, old one just a brick wall, new room enough space for a small sofa where she and I could sit and watch a dvd etc.
 

Princess t

Registered User
Mar 15, 2016
184
0
Does your mom recognise her room? It's just a thought...but my mom has been in three different ones since gong into care home and she has no recollection of any of them. Never wants to stay in her room either. So may be a waste of money . Ask her..
 

Guiness

Registered User
May 26, 2015
13
0
My brother and sister actually took her into the new room to see what she thought of it and she apparently both times said how much she really liked it. This is part of the reason why I was keen for her to make the move.
 

HillyBilly

Registered User
Dec 21, 2015
1,946
0
Ireland
I may be wrong but I don't think that "top-ups" can come from the person-in-care's money. It has to come from a 3rd party AFAIK.
 

Kevinl

Registered User
Aug 24, 2013
6,053
0
Salford
I may be wrong but I don't think that "top-ups" can come from the person-in-care's money. It has to come from a 3rd party AFAIK.

I thought that was the case too. First party top ups are allowed but only during the 12 week disregard or if there is a deferred payment in place otherwise top ups have to be third party.
I think it would be better focusing on getting her out of her room more rather than making it more attractive staying there. I rarely go in my wife's room and it's normally locked during the day, it literally is just the place she sleeps. There are some residents who choose to spend the day alone in their rooms but I don't think it's good for them being alone like that all day.
K
 

Selinacroft

Registered User
Oct 10, 2015
936
0
I think i would be more inclined to speak to the staff and insist they acompany mum to the lounge every day. Assuming she has some kind of dementia, she will probably need prompting as people with dementia have a tendancy to say no to everything if asked so I suspect she needs "managing" with more assertiveness. I very much doubt a room with a view will put a spring in her step.
 

Beate

Registered User
May 21, 2014
12,179
0
London
It really depends whether she's in her room all of the time out of choice or because the staff can't be bothered to take her to the lounge. Quite frankly, I'm a person who is happy in her own company, and I would hate having to spend all day long in a lounge full of other people I might not have much in common with other than being old. I would then love to have a nice room with a view and space for a sofa so I could sit and amuse myself. But that's depending on character. Some people crave company, some only now and then and some not all that much. You know your mother and what she would like, so if she would love a nicer room to spend time in and you are willing to contribute, no one can really keep you from spending your own money. It would make sense to take the money from her own funds if she has enough but I'm not sure it's allowed.
 

Caroleca

Registered User
Jan 11, 2014
331
0
Ontario canada
I'm so sorry that you are having these issues with your family. Mom in the last few years would NOT leave her room...honestly I'm not sure that changing the location or room would have made any difference.
 

MollyD

Registered User
Mar 27, 2016
1,696
0
Ireland
My brother and sister actually took her into the new room to see what she thought of it and she apparently both times said how much she really liked it. This is part of the reason why I was keen for her to make the move.

It's very individual as to whether a room change would make a positive difference to someone.

My mum liked her room in her NH. It had a large window with a view. She commented on it from time to time. To that extent, It did have some positive impact, for sure.

There's a lot to weigh up in your situation and it's very difficult for you that you don't feel supported.

Just want to chime in that I hear you on your desire to improve yoyr mum's quality of life. X
 

Chemmy

Registered User
Nov 7, 2011
7,589
0
Yorkshire
Sitting in a nice room to read, listen to the radio or watch TV is probably what most of us here would opt for. But neither my mum or MIL were able to do any of those things once dementia struck. Their bedrooms were a place to asleep and get dressed, that's all.

MIL has a lovely view from hers, over the rooftops to the hills beyond, and isn't the least bit interested.
 

ellejay

Registered User
Jan 28, 2011
4,019
0
Essex
My mums first room looked at the side of the house next door & some dustbins.

Moved into a bigger room, overlooking a primary school playing field & with free access to the garden.

No interest at all.

I do understand your frustration though, at others not wanting what seems obviously better, but there are no guarantees it would help sadly.

Lin x
 

lil50

Registered User
Nov 5, 2013
23
0
West Sussex
When our Mum had to change not only room but home for financial reasons the new room was actually larger and much brighter. She was by then unaware of the view but I am convinced the better light did have an affect on her mood. It certainly was much nicer for her visitors too.
 

whileaway

Registered User
Dec 11, 2015
129
0
Mum went into a care home 2 months ago. It's a good home but the room is small, no view etc. Room costs £600 a week, council pay £500 a week and Dad pays additional £100. A nicer room has become available which we (Dad, myself and my 3 siblings) all looked at and liked to varying degrees. Dad and one sibling thought the improvement was marginal; I and 2 others were very enthusiastic about it and thought that Mum would be happier in there.

Cost of new room is £750 per week and Dad said he'll fund an additional £100 (to £700). Mum has shares and assets worth about 13k so I've suggested to everyone that the additional £50 per week comes from this (enough to last 5 years) so she can have the new room. The reply came back from Dad to say that he had spoken to everyone else and everyone agreed that Mum should stay in her current room and that he wouldn't fund the extra £50 a week, despite my message stating clearly the funds wouldn't come from him. Everyone was copied into the message and no one else commented so I know I am (again!) completely alone on this.

As POAs we have to use Mum's funds in her best interests. Is using her funds to pay for a better room appropriate? Is it reasonable for the other POAs to say 'no' on this matter? Prior to Mum going into the home (a few months) ago the POAs (including me) had agreed that Mum's shares should be sold to pay for a new dementia friendly bathroom, so the principle of selling them to use for Mum is established. Personally I would be willing to pay my fair share of the £50 extra a week (if it can't come from Mum's funds) to make sure Mum is as happy as possible but there is no way on this planet or any other planet my family would join me on this.

It's caused me a huge amount of upset this week. Mum is very depressed and not coping well in the home and I want to do all I can to help her but I can't get anyone to support me. And don't get me started on the fact that Dad has shares and cash worth about £300,000.

I would be just as angry and frustrated at them all. Since she has only been in a care home for a few months, there is a chance that a lovely view might help. She saw and liked it! Could everyone chip in? Could she move back to the cheaper one if it wasn't an improvement?
 

Moggymad

Registered User
May 12, 2017
1,314
0
I would be just as angry and frustrated at them all. Since she has only been in a care home for a few months, there is a chance that a lovely view might help. She saw and liked it! Could everyone chip in? Could she move back to the cheaper one if it wasn't an improvement?

Hi just wondered if any of her furniture moved with her, whether that familiarity might help her settle. My mum with Alzheimer's lives in a 3rd floor flat, but no longer recognises it as hers & wants to go home despite living there for the last 20 yrs. To begin with her focus was on what she could or couldn't see out the window, now it's the flat itself she's not happy with. My instinct in your case would be to try a better room but it may only be a transient improvement. Nothing I say to my mum makes her feel any better about where she is. Unfortunately this may be the case for your mum. Agree with previous posts re getting your mum out of her room more.
 

ferniegirl

Registered User
May 10, 2015
54
0
Surrey, UK
Hi, my mum has a lovely big room with a nice view over the garden and fields beyond with some lovely mature trees. The care home she was in before also had a nice view with a field full of sheep. She is totally uninterested and if you turn her chair towards the view she turns it back! She objects to the trees saying they are 'ugly' and that she 'doesn't like the scenery in this part of the country'. It reminds me of Fawlty Towers with the woman complaining about the view of Torquay and Basil Fawlty saying 'well what do you expect? Herds of wildebeast sweeping majestically over the plain?!' It would be funny if it wasn't so sad. She used to like nice views!

In short, my mum has no interest in the view and as a previous poster has said, to her it's just somewhere to sleep so it might be that her being in a better room makes you feel better (which is fine) but not make much difference to her.

Good luck with your decision!


Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
 

allyart

Registered User
Jul 12, 2017
10
0
Kent
Sometimes I think it's about doing as much as you can to help your mum for your own sanity. It's hard to know what actually helps and what doesn't. It's even harder not to fall out with your siblings about it because it is sooooo stressful.

I would gladly pay extra to make our mum a tiny bit happier, but I don't know how realistic that is. But is it worth a punt? I think so.