I have not heard that people improve in a care home. Is that true? When he was in hospital, in a rehab ward, the talk was that patients improved once they were home. And my father did! But, In a cascade of events, he had a grade 1 pressure sore, (we kept him on his chair too long!) and the district nurse said bed-only until his mark was invisible to the eye. So then he was a week or two in bed, the turner, a distant memory, and now he is moved with a hoist to his chair for 3 hours a day, which makes him more awake and alive. Bed-bound is slow death. We are selfishly awaiting news of an air, electric, cushion for his chair, and then, more time out with us.
91 year old carer, my mum, needs rest, but remains on 24/7 watch.
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I have not heard that people improve in a care home. Is that true? When he was in hospital, in a rehab ward, the talk was that patients improved once they were home. And my father did! But, In a cascade of events, he had a grade 1 pressure sore, (we kept him on his chair too long!) and the district nurse said bed-only until his mark was invisible to the eye. So then he was a week or two in bed, the turner, a distant memory, and now he is moved with a hoist to his chair for 3 hours a day, which makes him more awake and alive. Bed-bound is slow death. We are selfishly awaiting news of an air, electric, cushion for his chair, and then, more time out with us.
Yes, it is true as has been witnessed by a number of members here. When a person has dementia they can neglect themselves and their surroundings and forget to eat or eat unsuitable food. Once in a Care or nursing home, they are looked after, fed and cared for an so their health, weight and condition in general can improve and they can be less lonely.
Of course this doesn't apply to everyone which is why I said "can" as opposed to "will".
Of course this doesn't apply to everyone which is why I said "can" as opposed to "will".
I am wrong, and my uncles are right, perhaps. Everyone assumes that because I am in my 60's I should have authority over my 91 year old mother. No. She is the boss.
I out of weakness use this forum partly for a sounding-board: "Like a *****, unpack my heart with words", as a Shakespeare's character said, regarding an act he couldn't make regarding his own parents. I hear you, but am not sensible enough to make the right course.
We got a carer yesterday that was fantastic, treating my father as a gentleman, being so lovely, respectful, and affectionate, -addressing him and not the other carer. My mother and I were enraptured by her kindness and charm. How often does that happen? In hospital he was fond of one or two, but in a care home- how often do the staff take quality time, and not become exhausted with putting out fires.
Just throwing in a curveball here.
Would it be possible for them to move into a care home together, perhaps even in a double room? She would be with him as much as she wanted, but they would both be looked after in your absence.
I cant imagine how either of them would cope with a move overseas at this stage, tbh.
Would it be possible for them to move into a care home together, perhaps even in a double room? She would be with him as much as she wanted, but they would both be looked after in your absence.
I cant imagine how either of them would cope with a move overseas at this stage, tbh.
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A care home is not the same as a hospital. I know that there are some bad care homes out there, but they are not all bad. If you get a good one they can be wonderful. Mum was in a care home for nearly 3 years - a bit scruffy round the edges, but homely and with lovely caring staff. Mum was one of those people who thrived in her care home as she was able to have better care from a whole team of people than by one exhausted person. The staff genuinely loved her and when she was dying (she died in her care home) I was touched by the little stream of carers who came in to say goodbye to her as their shift ended and they were going home. I remember the manageress coming in and so tenderly cleaning her face and mouth, applying cream to her dry skin and cracked lips, then gently tucking her bed coverings over her. I felt supported by the home who made me endless cups of tea and with whom I could talk and have a laugh. I will be eternally grateful for the care and friendship they gave to mum.
I worry about your mum and by the fact that after you leave you will probably not be allowed back into this country. What will happen if your mum suddenly passes away (a not unlikely scenario TBH)? Do you have POA for your dad? If not then the most likely course of action will be that your dads Local Authority will apply for Court of Protection (administered by a solicitor who does not know him) and your dad will be placed in a care home chosen by the Local Authority. If this happens you will have no say in his care or what happens to any of his finances/possessions. This is not an exaggeration - I have seen people posting about exactly this problem. Even if you do have POA, there may be little you can do from another country. Surely it would be better to get them installed into a good care home that you have chosen before you go?
I am sorry...but there is something very odd going on. As I read the posts....it's all about dad and not so much about mom....who is the carer. What is really going on?
If you are leaving the country in a month....then you need to let things fall apart and let someone else take over....or you could do the sensible thing and find a nice care home for both of them. You talk about them going to stay at your brothers house where it sounds like a disaster! I feel very sad about the "money thing"....and can understand why your uncles have washed their hands....I'm frustrated and I don't even know you. I also feel very bad for you that you are faced with all this mess...you must be beside yourself. Take care...you have some thinking to do.
If you are leaving the country in a month....then you need to let things fall apart and let someone else take over....or you could do the sensible thing and find a nice care home for both of them. You talk about them going to stay at your brothers house where it sounds like a disaster! I feel very sad about the "money thing"....and can understand why your uncles have washed their hands....I'm frustrated and I don't even know you. I also feel very bad for you that you are faced with all this mess...you must be beside yourself. Take care...you have some thinking to do.
Thanks for your post. You do understand, except that she is so amazing, and is coping so much better than I am at being efficient. She has his food all figured out, while I made messes in the kitchen to no avail. She is going to the doctor to see about some anti-anxiety medication, as she has attacks of anxiety lately, and maybe the doctor will talk to her, echoing what you say. Thanks for your kindness.
Oh but I want her to live to 100, and finish her book, be a presence in the world, maybe reconnect with her family- a hundred nephews and nieces, two brothers and two sisters, in Canada, and live close by her (dysfunctional) children in America. I can't imagine her in a home. So I am as unrealistic as she, and we will come to a bad end, as her brother warns.
How do you intend to facilitate a move to the US with 2 frail and elderly people?Who will help them with the practicalities of selling their home,packing up and shipping their belongings and getting themselves on a flight?Are you aware that moving house is one of the most stressful life experiences.You say you want your mother to live to be 100,are you aware of the negative impact full time caring has on people much younger and fitter than your mother.I think it's time to 'wake up and smell the coffee'Persuade hour mother to use any available money to provide the best possible care for them both.
If you have to leave in a month, is there somebody else who can take over for you, at least until the house sale and move are organised?
Would it not be worth looking at what residential provision is available locally - even "just in case". I mean if you have left and there is a crisis one or both of your parents may be placed wherever social workers can find an emergency space.
I think there are some places where your parents could have a small apartment together but with support around them
Would it not be worth looking at what residential provision is available locally - even "just in case". I mean if you have left and there is a crisis one or both of your parents may be placed wherever social workers can find an emergency space.
I think there are some places where your parents could have a small apartment together but with support around them
So at the ripe old age of 91, do you really think your mother is going to do all of those things AND care for dad 24/7 at the same time?
Hmmmmmmm!
Perhaps she is coping better while you are there giving her moral support, than she does on her own. But how will she manage after you leave, and she knows you won't be able to come back in a crisis? Has she thought through a contingency plan in case SHE is the one who falls by the wayside first? Or is she refusing to think about that? Would her brother come running after washing his hands in despair?
The wheels round turn without you if she was suddenly hospitalised...And wouldn't your father find himself worried and afraid?
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Just because your Mum is coping better than you, doesn't mean she's coping well, Whileaway!
Re-read your first post in this thread in which you raised your concerns about your Mum's health - her exhaustion, weight loss, bruising, cuts that won't heal, never mind the anxiety attacks you've now mentioned.
If you don't put something in place now, a contingency plan, how is your Mum going to manage when you've returned to America? How will she even be able to visit the doctor then if she needs to, for example?
This isn't about what YOU want, not now. Your Mum (and Dad) could, I'm guessing, have moved back to America before now, but they haven't. They chose to remain in the UK for 60 years. Maybe your Mum doesn't want to live near her "dysfunctional" (your words!) family!?
I don't know a great deal about the healthcare system in America but will your parents be entitled to any of the help they've been getting in the UK such as the hoist or will they have to fund all that sort of equipment? If they have to self-fund, then the savings that you're all so keen to hold on to will soon evaporate I think.
I am not where I am able to write a detailed post right now, but did not want to read and run.
I'm American and live in the States and while not an expert, can offer some general advice about care homes (nursing homes) and health care in the States, as well as how to find support.
I would not be in a hurry to move your parents overseas. In addition to all the usual upheaval such a move entails, you have the additional burden of sorting their financial and health care needs. As you know, the health care and social services systems in the US operate very differently to those in the UK. You need to think this through, very carefully.
Again, I can return later with more details and information, if you wish.
I want to say very clearly that everyone here understands about dementia, and how difficult it is to care for someone with dementia, and that you and your family are facing a very difficult situation. I appreciate how hard this all must be for you, and hope you can find some support.
One of the many sad truths of caring for, and about, someone with dementia, is that we all face a situation where we cannot give them what they want, but must provide what they need instead. This is not easy or pleasant, all too often.
So while it's likely upsetting for you to hear this, and I am very sorry to say it, this is not about what you, you fathered, or your mother want, but rather about meeting the needs of your parents. If your mother continues to be your father's full time 24/7 carer with no respite or support, she will not be able to write a book and live another ten years and be healthy and happy and whatever else you want for her. Instead, she will continue to be in thrall to dementia, because this horrible disease will absorb as much time and energy as is thrown at it.
The statistics on carers who predecease those for whom they care, are grim. Don't let your mother become a statistic.
I realize this has all likely upset you, but it is not my intention to distress or offend. It took some plain talking for me to accept my mother's illness, and what it meant, and I offer this in the spirit of wishing to help.
Very best wishes to you and your family, at this difficult time.
I'm American and live in the States and while not an expert, can offer some general advice about care homes (nursing homes) and health care in the States, as well as how to find support.
I would not be in a hurry to move your parents overseas. In addition to all the usual upheaval such a move entails, you have the additional burden of sorting their financial and health care needs. As you know, the health care and social services systems in the US operate very differently to those in the UK. You need to think this through, very carefully.
Again, I can return later with more details and information, if you wish.
I want to say very clearly that everyone here understands about dementia, and how difficult it is to care for someone with dementia, and that you and your family are facing a very difficult situation. I appreciate how hard this all must be for you, and hope you can find some support.
One of the many sad truths of caring for, and about, someone with dementia, is that we all face a situation where we cannot give them what they want, but must provide what they need instead. This is not easy or pleasant, all too often.
So while it's likely upsetting for you to hear this, and I am very sorry to say it, this is not about what you, you fathered, or your mother want, but rather about meeting the needs of your parents. If your mother continues to be your father's full time 24/7 carer with no respite or support, she will not be able to write a book and live another ten years and be healthy and happy and whatever else you want for her. Instead, she will continue to be in thrall to dementia, because this horrible disease will absorb as much time and energy as is thrown at it.
The statistics on carers who predecease those for whom they care, are grim. Don't let your mother become a statistic.
I realize this has all likely upset you, but it is not my intention to distress or offend. It took some plain talking for me to accept my mother's illness, and what it meant, and I offer this in the spirit of wishing to help.
Very best wishes to you and your family, at this difficult time.
I mentioned this to you before but have you looked into it - Continuing Healthcare Funding (CHC)? It sounds as if your father may be eligible for this. Your mother can apply for this herself or you can do it. If approved, all healthcare costs would be paid for, either at home or in a nursing home setting.
I think your parents are both vulnerable adults and need a full assessment of both their needs.
A nurse assesses the person according to certain criteria and I think your father would score highly on many of these. At least, with a nurse coming in to assess your father's needs, a professional outsider would see the situation and advise accordingly. Maybe your mother would accept her evaluation.
Could you not try to reason with your mother, pointing out her own failing health and that the, perhaps to her, unthinkable could happen, i.e. she could "go" before him? She cannot go on with sleep deprivation and lack of care of her own health needs or she will collapse, as you well know.
I think, regardless of how you feel (intimidated?) about your mother you should take matters into your own hands and do something to take the weight off her as soon as possible. Otherwise, why are you posting if you intend the situation to carry on?
I think your parents are both vulnerable adults and need a full assessment of both their needs.
A nurse assesses the person according to certain criteria and I think your father would score highly on many of these. At least, with a nurse coming in to assess your father's needs, a professional outsider would see the situation and advise accordingly. Maybe your mother would accept her evaluation.
Could you not try to reason with your mother, pointing out her own failing health and that the, perhaps to her, unthinkable could happen, i.e. she could "go" before him? She cannot go on with sleep deprivation and lack of care of her own health needs or she will collapse, as you well know.
I think, regardless of how you feel (intimidated?) about your mother you should take matters into your own hands and do something to take the weight off her as soon as possible. Otherwise, why are you posting if you intend the situation to carry on?
I'm afraid I haven't read anything on this thread that leads me to think that CHC funding would be granted. The bar for this is being raised annually with NHS authorities having to tighten their belts as costs rise and cuts bite. It also takes some time for the applications to be worked through and it doesn't seem that the OP has that much time to spare.
I'm not saying it's impossible just that it might be giving false hope and I know how hard it is to get the funding even when severe health problems are present.
I think people who have posted here know what they are talking about and have given good advice. it doesn't seem to be making much impression though which is unfortunate for the parents involved.
I'm not saying it's impossible just that it might be giving false hope and I know how hard it is to get the funding even when severe health problems are present.
I think people who have posted here know what they are talking about and have given good advice. it doesn't seem to be making much impression though which is unfortunate for the parents involved.
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