I want to be a wife

[Trisha4]

I don't want to be carer, I want to be a wife. I want to be cuddled and loved. I want a partner, a companion, someone to talk to, to go out with, to share things with. I feel sorry for myself, I feel sorry for Mick. I love him, I hate what Alzheimer's has done to him and to us. I hate it that he doesn't know and I can't talk to him.
I'm sorry folks. I just had to say it tonight.


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[irismary]

I, and I am sure many others on TP will, relate 100% with your post. So sorry you feel this way. Take care, and a hug from me xx

 

[Izzy]

Just thinking of you Trisha. x


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[Olliebeak]

I so agree Trisha. They say there are three things that make a marriage like a tripod. The emotional love, a physical relationship and the intellectual relationship (shared interests, the going out or staying in together stuff) if one of those "legs" goes a relationship can still be pretty good - lots of marriages do. If two go there is really not much left.

I find it very hard to still love someone who is not the person I married, who does not / cannot share the things we used to enjoy (travel, art, eating out, walking, theatre), and seems quite indifferent to how I am feeling or what I might want or need, who shows no affection or physical attraction for me. I am only 66 - my husband is 81.

I had started to make more of a life for myself - meeting friends on my own, going to galleries, having lunch. And I have managed to keep working two half days a week which is a life saver.

BUT the last week or so it is becoming clear I can only leave him for increasingly short periods and I really really really can't face being a 24/7 carer. I feel so trapped and desperate.

 

[LynneMcV]

Completely understand and thinking of you xx

 

[dancer12]

I don't want to be carer, I want to be a wife. I want to be cuddled and loved. I want a partner, a companion, someone to talk to, to go out with, to share things with. I feel sorry for myself, I feel sorry for Mick. I love him, I hate what Alzheimer's has done to him and to us. I hate it that he doesn't know and I can't talk to him.
I'm sorry folks. I just had to say it tonight.


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Hi Trisha4:

Thanks, you have just put down in writing what many of us feel but are afraid to admit.

 

[Caz60]

It makes me feel so sad when I think of what we had .I get so low about it I don't feel like there is a tomorrow anymore.Deppression sets in for a few days and somehow my children rally round to try and make me feel needed and then back to how it is .
We all know what we are being denied it's hard to bear and yet we have to carry on .
I'm sorry I can only say I know I know.xxxxxxx

 

[Everton Annie]

Totally agree Trish. Not been recognised as my husband's wife since last summer. Our relationship is irrevocably changed. The man I share a house with and care for physically resembles my husband but that is all. We now have no shared memories so no spontaneous conversations, no cuddles, no emotional support, no life really and it is lonely. Keep saying it's worse for him but as AD progresses and his insight diminishes not sure that is true any more. 38 years of marriage and he tells me his wife is either dead or taken back by her family. Love my husband hate hate the disease

 

[Trisha4]

I know you all know and I know we all feel the same things. Caring for and understanding each other on here helps. Thank you x


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[jaymor]

The relationship does change, I found that somewhere the love for my husband changed to the love I have for my children. I can't say quite when it happened, too busy caring but it changed.

The love was there, just different. I wanted to look after him, protect him, no one could do that better than me, he needed me, it was the love you have for your child.

Now twelve months after his death I look at his photo and the love is as it was before, for a husband and life partner, lost for eleven years but back now.

 

[Wozzie]

I don't want to be carer, I want to be a wife. I want to be cuddled and loved. I want a partner, a companion, someone to talk to, to go out with, to share things with. I feel sorry for myself, I feel sorry for Mick. I love him, I hate what Alzheimer's has done to him and to us. I hate it that he doesn't know and I can't talk to him.
I'm sorry folks. I just had to say it tonight.


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Trisha my heart goes out to you,
Of course you want to be a wife to Mick, this disease is so very cruel.... for everyone involved
Try to take some time for "you" x
Love and hugs
Anne x

 

[Hamster Wheel]

A lady I met, who had been a nurse, told me the way she coped with her husband's dementia was to think of him as a patient. She said her husband had gone and she would do her best and not feel guilty.
Sorry it looks harsh but it's something I think about but still don't know what to make of.

 

[Tootsweet]

It's really just so hard. I feel abandoned. My husband is gradually leaving. My family say they understand, but they just don't. The exhaustion (both mental and physical), loneliness, worry are taking their toll and there is so little energy for anything else which makes you more isolated. The only people who can possibly understand are those who experience it for themselves. As the saying goes, who cares for the carer! X


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[Quakeroat1]

As a person with Vascular and mixed dementia I am very aware of the ways my lovely partner is affected and going to be affected by this dreadful illness.
In these last 12 months since my diagnosis I have actively made decisions with her in mind .
I visit my daughter who lives in Scotland
up to 6 times a year, she's a teacher so there's lots of holidays. I enjoy seeing my family more at this stage and getting to know my 2 grandchildren better.
I'm aware that this won't last and I'm even aware that my opinion is not always reality but I'm setting out to make things as comfortable as possible for all who love me to have as near to a normal life as possible.
I've started day care therapy and loving it just one day a week and if I get the funding I'm applying for intend to make it 2 a week.The people there are very caring and assuring.
If I'm hit by anxiety/depression as I'm prone to do I can feel worthless even this early on. So my daily battle is against weariness and routine drudgery...as long as God gives me the will.
Of course when I don't have the will to overcome I would like for her to build slowly a new life in the times I'm not there.
She is already a well independent woman and if she can build on that I need not worry about her.
It's all heartbreaking for everyone this is a killer disease, it kills passion, it kills the intellect, it kills the once vibrant personality . But it doesn't necessarily kill care and compassion, when it's it short supply though that's when diluting so absolutely essential.
Thankyou for your honesty and I'm hoping to stay amongst the brave on here as long as is possible x Liz

 

[Clunchman]

Completely with you there Trisha. I feel much the same about my wife with Vascular Dementia. I want back the person I married. But all I can do is make life as best as I am able for her.

 

[Philbo]

Hi Trisha4

As you can see by all the responses, you are not alone and we all understand the need to express your feelings.

My wife has FTD and we are both 66. I took voluntary retirement at 59, with the intent that we could have more holidays abroad, travel around the UK and enjoy our retirement.

If I am honest, the signs of her illness were there even then, but we all put it down to senior moments, stress etc. I was busy helping renovate our two son's houses and by the time I'd got most of that out of the way (you never really stop?), she was already becoming more inward, less confident and more anxious.

It took another year or so before I finally managed to get her to see our GP and along the route of the memory clinic, scans and diagnosis in Jan 2014.
happy in her own little world but like you, I miss the love and affection, and someone to share things with. I've somewhat neglected the inside of our house (I do keep it neat, clean and tidy), as I don't seem to have any motivation, plus it was always my wife who had the drive and eagerness to improve and change.

The best thing I did was to develop a social life for the both of us, when I first noticed things declining. She was never a pub person but I managed to get her to go to a local venue that had great music on every Friday night. We also started popping in to a pub in the town that her brother used (following the death of their mum, we were a bit worried about him as he's a bit of a loner). We got to know the regulars who understand her condition and have become good friends, so it is a bit of an oasis for us.

I hope you find that this forum and the virtual hugs comforting.

Best wishes.
Phil

 

[Lilac Blossom]

I love my husband but oh how I hate the disease. So many replies Tricia, so many others with common experience. I mourn the loss of the life we had together - now loneliness, isolation, no conversation or companionship, no-one to share news with and no-one to laugh or cry with!

Best Wishes Tricia xx

 

[Sunseeker1977]

I want to be a husband!!!

We have just passed our 40th anniversary ...... nothing!! My wife was always a celebrator .. she would have had a family party .. but these days a large gathering would upset her!
My wife was diagnosed in 2010, she was 56 and I took early retirement in 2012 to look after her, we managed a good year of holidays and doing retirement things, but she deteriorated rapidly in 2013, to the point where she has no concept of 'us'

I can so understand and feel your pain! We have had a fantastic marriage, but now I am her 24/7 carer .... she has no understanding or memory or our wonderful life together ... our memories are now only my memories!!

Most days are battles ... to get her up .. to get her dressed... to clean her teeth ... to take her tablets ... to go to the toilet .. to eat ... and to go to bed!! I yearn for the retirement we had planned, but know that will never be!! ... its so distressing, but yet somehow we all find the inner strength to carry on.... to ensure our loved one is cared for, albeit at a cost to our ( carers) heath and well being .... but still we do it!

There is usually a moment in the day when she smiles and appears happy, there is usually a moment in the day when she will say something funny, there is usually a moment in the day when she will say something nice!! ... and in those fleeting moments all is well and I feel like a husband!!

You are not alone, many of us on here completely share and understand your feelings. Thank you for sharing.

 

[Mal2]

I don't want to be carer, I want to be a wife. I want to be cuddled and loved. I want a partner, a companion, someone to talk to, to go out with, to share things with. I feel sorry for myself, I feel sorry for Mick. I love him, I hate what Alzheimer's has done to him and to us. I hate it that he doesn't know and I can't talk to him.
I'm sorry folks. I just had to say it tonight.


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I try to have a 'normal' as possible time, each day, with Stan, but, then I think to myself, what was 'normal', it is so long ago, I can hardly remember the way we were. Today, I read your post. Exactly how I feel Trisha. You couldn't have said it better in any other way. I wish I could make it go away for us. I do hope you are feeling a little better today, sending you lots of virtual hugs and love. M xxx

 

[esmeralda]

The relationship does change, I found that somewhere the love for my husband changed to the love I have for my children. I can't say quite when it happened, too busy caring but it changed.

The love was there, just different. I wanted to look after him, protect him, no one could do that better than me, he needed me, it was the love you have for your child.

Now twelve months after his death I look at his photo and the love is as it was before, for a husband and life partner, lost for eleven years but back now.

That's such a good way to put it Jay. My husband is still here, but when there is a crisis and I'm facing the reality of losing him it's the person he was who I suddenly miss grievously.

Thank you for this thread Tricia, it's good to be able to be able to share with people who are experiencing the same feelings.
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