To visit or not?

[Jim's son]

My wife was diagnosed with Alzheimer's about four years ago. Almost three weeks ago, after she collapsed at home, was taken to A&E in a befuddled state and admitted to hospital, it became clear that there had been a considerable mental change. I was advised that she was never coming home again and she was to be fast tracked for end of life care.

She is about to be moved to a nursing home for that care. She no longer recognises me and has become quite agitated when I visit. I have no wish to abandon her but, at the same time, I do not want to cause distress to her and/or problems for the care home staff. Given that she stopped eating some two weeks ago and refused fluids shortly afterwards, I don't think she is going to last very long.

I would be grateful to hear if other people have encountered this situation and how they dealt with it.

 

[LadyA]

I'm so sorry for the suddenness with which you find yourself facing this. Dementia can be so terribly cruel.

I think probably the best thing would be to keep in close contact with the staff. It may be that your wife will not be agitated as she nears death. The staff should be able to give you guidance about whether a visit would be good for her. To be honest, at this stage, spending time with her would really probably be more beneficial to you. And at such a hard time, you do have to consider yourself too.

 

[Shedrech]

hello Jim's son
such a sad and tough time for you and for your wife
I think you need to do what feels best to you and for you
I agree with LadyA that keeping in close contact with the staff will help you know that your wife is being well cared for
might you be able to visit the home and even see your wife without her knowing you are there, so that you see for yourself that she is being looked after well and kept as settled and comfortable as possible - that is, if you want to
I wish you both peace

 

[meme]

distressing for you...but as you think she has not long left I would visit regularly and the agitation may well change as has been said.

 

[cragmaid]

It's not the same I know, but when my late Mum did not want me around, I made a point of keeping in close contact with the home, even popping round and talking with the staff, just outside her room. This made me still feel close and involved in her care.

Thinking of you at this very difficult time....Maureen.x

 

[Careforme]

Hello, I am so sorry to hear about your wife and I send you strength and comfort during this difficult time.

I would go with what you are feeling. You know your wife better than anyone. I would say though that you being there whether it is for a short period during day, it may bring you comfort in later times.

Your wife will take great comfort and reassurance that you are there, whether she can respond or not. Your wife will hear your voice and knows you are there. Her agitation at times may be her way of trying to express herself and I know it is very difficult to watch. I lost my mum only a couple weeks ago at aged 64. Mum battled this illness for eight years.

It would be good to keep in contact with the nursing home as that may give you some reassurance too.

I visited mum numerous times a day with my brother. My mum and dad lived with each other for forty years. Dad found it difficult to see mum everyday in her condition and may went in every other day.

It is a very difficult and exhausting journey not to mention the most impact on your loved one. Every family and individual is different and deals with things in their own way.

If you have the strength, go to see your wife and it may not feel comfort at the time but it may help you heal in later times. It is a very personal decision.

I think personally for me, I have been with mum every single day throughout this from day one and did more with mum than my brother and dad. Not taking anything away from them but as a mother and daughter. Probably why I found it very difficult not to see her or be with her after a long stay in hospital then into nursing home.

You need to do what is best and right for you and that is all that matters. You have came very far with your wife and she will be very proud to have a husband like you. Take the time you need.

Best wishes xx


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[Jim's son]

Many thanks to you all for your kind words, they are very much appreciated.

Well, it is now three weeks since my wife was taken to hospital after the collapse and she was moved yesterday to the nursing home. I visited her this afternoon and unsurprisingly she has deteriorated. She is now unable to swallow so no food or fluid can be given and the change in her appearance is shocking - just skin and bone. I sat with her for some time and clearly she was oblivious to my presence. Neither my voice or touch caused a response. The main thing now is that she is in safe hands.

 

[LadyA]

So sorry. The watching and waiting for a loved one to die is the most harrowing experience. We want them released from their suffering, and free from this dreadful illness that has decimated the person we knew, and yet part of us deep inside is crying "Come back! don't leave me!" :'(

 

[Chuggalug]

Goodness, Jim's Son. That's all very quick, isn't it.

You will want to visit as often as you can. Go. For your own sake, go and visit. These things can't be predicted. No one knows exactly what will happen at any particular time. If they've mentioned end of life, like they did for my hubby, then you will want to do what you feel is best for you, as you need to hold up under the strain; especially if you have to drive yourself to her facility.

This is the hardest bit of the journey, Jim's Son. I'm going through it too, although my hubby is no longer here. I wish he was, and I bless those precious people for everything they did for us both at the care home.

Whatever you decide, do what you know is safest for you, and right for you both. We share so much on here about ourselves and our loved ones, but the decision is yours to make. Please just make sure you cover yourself emotionally. That's the most important thing of all. Much love and courage to you.

 

[Jim's son]

Well, its all over now. My wife died peacefully this morning - a little more quickly than I guessed, but at least this awful disease can do her no more harm.

Thank you all for your support, it has been greatly appreciated.

 

[chris53]

Jim's son, so very sorry your beloved wife has gone,she is out of harm and is at peace now,may you find peace and hold on to your lovely memories of her before illness invaded both your lives.
Wishing you strength for the days ahead.

 

[Marcelle123]

Sympathy & best wishes, Jim's son, for the loss of your dear wife. May she rest in peace. xx

 

[Shedrech]

sad news Jim's son
your wife is at peace
and I hope you find peace for yourself

 

[Izzy]

I'm so sorry to read your news. I'm glad your wife has found peace. Wishing you strength.


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[Chuggalug]

Oh, I'm so very sorry, Jim's Son. Loving thoughts and heartfelt condolences.

 

[Careforme]

I am so very sorry to hear your news. My thoughts are with you dearly.

Your beautiful wife will be at peace now and will no longer suffer. She will always be by your side and watching over you.

Sending you strength and love x


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[Caroleca]

so sorry for your loss...take care of yourself...it's a shock and a loss to a terrible disease...my thoughts are with you

 

[Rosnpton]

Sorry to read your wife has now died.
You say it was a peaceful death and that is all we can wish for our loved ones suffering from this horrid illness.
Take care of yourself as it is still a shock even when expected.
Sending best wishes
Ros

Well, its all over now. My wife died peacefully this morning - a little more quickly than I guessed, but at least this awful disease can do her no more harm.

Thank you all for your support, it has been greatly appreciated.

 

[stanleypj]

So sorry to hear your sad news. I hope you can find some consolation in the fact that your wife died peacefully.

 

[Cat27]

I'm so sorry. My thoughts are with you.