What would you do? Dealing with forgetting birthdays and anniversaries

[HarrietD]

My husband forgot our wedding anniversary yesterday. I know that it's part of his condition and that I shouldn't take it personally, but it was a milestone anniversary and I was really upset. Has anyone else had similar experiences with someone you love forgetting anniversaries or birthdays? If so, how did you deal with it?

***

Do you have any tips on how to practically and emotionally deal with someone not remembering birthdays and anniversaries?

We're including more real life experiences of dementia in our Living with Dementia magazine, and we'd love to hear from you.

Please add your comments below, and we may feature them in the next issue of the magazine.

This thread will be closed on Tuesday 2 May.

Thanks everyone

 

[istherelight?]

Emotionally, why not try removing the risk (certainty?) of being upset by being super practical.

My Mum was upset when she thought she had forgotten my birthday but she hadn't because I reminded her, took her to choose a card, let her write a message (with a bit of inspiration from me - mostly flattering) and then put the card somewhere safe so that she wouldn't lose it.
Hey presto! I "found" it on my birthday. She was so pleased and amazed that she had remembered.

Not romantic or spontaneous but better than the pain of feeling forgotten.


Sent from my iPad using Talking Point

 

[northumbrian_k]

My wife always claims to have bought me a Christmas (or birthday) card but can never find it, even if she remembers to look. We now go together to a local shop and I wait outside with the dog whilst she selects a card and gives it to me (wrapped up) for safe keeping. The day before Christmas, I give it to her to write and she then seals it and gives it back to me. On the day, I leave it out for her and she then presents me with it. It is always a tasteful card and as I have never seen it I can comment on it with genuine enthusiasm, pleasing us both. This seems to have worked quite well for the last 2 years, even when she tells me that she likes the card that she has given me better than the one she has received from me.

 

[LadyA]

My husband used to ask me at VERY regular intervals if it was my birthday! And sometimes he would come along singing Happy Birthday if he happened to think of birthdays in general. He hadn't remembered to actually buy a card or gift for a while.

 

[Saffie]

Our Golden Wedding anniversary was 3 months after he entered a nursing home,having been in hospital for 9 months before. He had no idea it was a special anniversary or even an anniversary at all.
I took a cake into the home though nobody there was aware of the anniversary but once the staff on his wing knew we were congratulated and he was allowed a piece of cake, a special treat as he was an insulin- dependent diabetic.
Obviously it would have been lovely to have shared it as a special day together but it wasn't to be and I just accepted it whilst feeling so very sad for my husband. It is the person and relationship that matter, not the day.

 

[Slugsta]

I was very hurt the first time Mum forgot my birthday, especially as it was very out of character for her - and before we really knew what was going on.

Last year I knew she would not remember, so I set my hubby up with a list of a few things I liked and asked him to help Mum get something. I got a lovely bracelet and Mum seems pleased when I wear it and tell her she bought it for me.

Hubby also got a card which Mum wrote and he kept safely. Then we went to take Mum out for a cuppa/cake and she presented me with a card she had written herself. This after forgetting for several years on the trot.

The other day Mum asked me what I would like for my birthday - which is still 4 months away! I told her I would have a think and let her know.

 

[CeliaW]

When Mum started to forget, I used to bring it into the conversation in the week or so before.

"Gosh, I hope I remember to send J's present in time - it's come round quick as it's next Sunday '

'Good you sent that card to J (done by me or sister) - I'll ring her early and ask her to ring you when I ring off so you don't have to keep trying.'

...and similar things to put it in the conversation in the days leading up to it. Either me or my sister would get cards / presents in the latter days of Mum's illness and when possible get Mum to sign them and involve her in choosing, words etc..

When it was my birthday I used to say that I was so looking forward to hearing her sing Happy Birthday to me on the phone as that was one of the best bits of the day (and it was). If she forgot in the morning I used to say " Right, just going to get comfy and wait for the best part of the day when you sing Happy Birthday to me'

Mum died in May 2015...miss that each birthday and damp cheeks thinking of it now. Love and miss you Mum xx

Sent from my SM-T310 using Talking Point mobile app

 

[RaspPav]

My mum lives with us and has forgotten birthdays/Christmas for a few years now. I plan ahead, ask her if she's got any ideas for what she would like to buy. It usually ends up with me buying something & helping her to wrap it. She does usually pick cards herself when I've reminded her. She gets upset if she's forgotten so I prefer to help her to buy something. My husband helps her with my birthday. As for Christmas, this is extremely difficult as it's multiple presents. She enjoys buying things for people but often ends up buying my daughter lots as she's easier to buy for & not much for my sons. I always try to balance it out by giving her things I've bought myself. The hardest part is Christmas wrapping. The last year she did it unaided she wrapped wrong things for people & we ended up with some odd things. One year I helped her to wrap only to find that after this she had unwrapped, rewrapped & not labelled! That was difficult. Last Christmas I helped her wrap & label & then I 'looked after' the presents for her. Only to find that she then purchased more presents wrapped them & some were not appropriate for the kids. I don't think there is an answer. We all just try to get on with it & have some fun which is what mum still enjoys. The kids are all still quite young but they cope amazingly well & are all happy to help their grandma.


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[Grannie G]

I didn`t tell my husband when it was my birthday. It would have upset him to know he had forgotten. For me it was part of the illness.

I did tell him when it was his birthday and our anniversary. I also told him when it was our son`s and grandchildren`s birthdays and told him I had sent cards and gifts from both of us.

 

[Moog]

I mentioned earlier - yes I'm resigned to the fact that I don't get birthday cards/gifts or Christmas cards/gifts.

Last year sat with mum, she wrote out cards for Christmas - 3 hours to prepare six cards. My grandson (her great grandson), I took her out to buy him a card and gift for Christmas and his first birthday. Reminding her 5 mins before - mum this is a card and the gift is.... She enjoyed giving the card and gift, but as with this illness - forgot about the entire thing 5 mins later. Oooo that's a nice toy (the one she'd given) lol.

In my case I did my best I just wish occasionally another family member would take the time with her to prepare a card and small gift for me.

This year not one single person remembered my birthday, not my 'twin', mother, son, sister.

Hi Cardifflady, nobody in my direct family remembered my birthday this year, although my siblings are fit and young. I don't expect my parents to - one with Parkinsons Plus and one with vascular dementia and have no expectations of it from them.

I often wonder if it's because I'm the one who helps and visits our parents everyday - perhaps my siblings assume a birthday is too frivolous to celebrate amongst the seriousness of the situation.

They are "Invisibles" - one visits twice a year maximum, the other twice a month to heat a microwave meal and go, so it's not entirely unexpected. Oddly enough long-distance friends and ex-colleagues did remember so not all was lost.

I've just accepted that I inhabit a strange world with unempathetic people around me. [emoji12]

Moog x

 

[Lawson58]

Birthdays! I think I must be getting old and cranky because frankly I can't get excited by them anymore and haven't done so for many years.

I was travelling for a extended period a long time ago and forgot until the next day that it had been my birthday. I have had birthdays in places like Malta, Costa Rica, Venezuela, UK and Europe on my own so I think I look upon a birthday as just another day.

I haven't expected anything from OH for birthdays or Christmas for a long time so I don't ever get disappointed. My children and grandchildren like to make a fuss so I go along with it for their sakes.

 

[Amlama88]

We always have to buy cards for my dad to write for my mum, but he usually spells something wrong nowadays due to forgetting how to write certain words. I now write on paper first what he wants to say and then give him the paper to copy. It works a little better. Makes me sad cause he is only 63 and him and mum will miss out on so many lovely occasions together.

Sent from my SM-G920F using Talking Point mobile app

 

[marionq]

Good man though my husband is he rarely remembered birthdays and never anniversaries. As one of nine children I don't think celebrations featured high in his upbringing. I can't complain because we had a very good life together when he was well and he was always happy if I bought myself anything nice.

I did hate it when I was young though.

My mother used to send him a card every birthday and was probably one of the things that makes him remember her and miss her but never mention his own parents.

 

[Hamster Wheel]

I try to take dad to buy the cards and when we sit to write them, he comments that I've chosen a nice one. Christmas takes a few sessions!
What really upset me was the xmas after mum died my sibling sent just an ordinary card to dad whereas before it had always been to m&d. Then the following year (Dad wasn't coping so we had moved in with him) we got one card between the three of us. That's when I hit the roof, told them yes it was a nice card but we didn't care if they didn't send one to us but he was still their father/F-I-L and he should get a card in saying so. That worked the last couple of years.
I didn't get a bday card last year, no one rembered to sort it, but I still have the last one M&D sent me so I look at that instead. Too old anyway.

 

[stanleypj]

Compared to all the other things that are lost, forgetting 'special days' seems to me a rather minor one.

 

[Moog]

Ah that sounds lovely xx. I did much the same thing - had a cake and shared it with my folks. We had a laugh about birthdays and forgetting them.

I just bear in mind something said to me last year when Mum was in hospital after a fall caused by a urine infection. She wasn't doing well emotionally being in hospital - constantly crying - so I was there all day, everyday until she cried herself to sleep. A young, male healthcare asst - for such a young bloke was amazingly tender and empathetic with Mum - said to me, "I know it's hard, but later on you won't have any regrets." From the mouths of babes.

I just try to make every event for my parents as special as possible - their birthdays, Xmas, Easter, etc. We're limited to what we can do but we can still have nice cakes with candles, lots of gaudy Xmas decorations, watch funny programmes on telly and laugh together. Little sparks of gold against what could be a grey backdrop.

Take care xx

 

[Saffie]

Compared to all the other things that are lost, forgetting 'special days' m seems to me a rather minor one.

I agree with you wholeheartedly Stanley. As I said earlier, to me it is the person and relationship which matter not days which are fleeting.

 

[CeliaW]

I think the importance partly relates to how the person was pre dementia. Mum used to love birthdays and special occassions - even more so after Dad died. I know that if she felt she had missed one she got upset and so we tried to help her carry on what was 'part of her' albeit with some support.

Sent from my SM-G361F using Talking Point mobile app

 

[jan.s]

When Roger was in the carehome, the staff always bought a card and some flowers for Roger to give to me, and they also set up a special table for us to share lunch. His face showed pure pleasure at being able to give me the flowers and card.

 

[Philbo]

One of the very early signs of my wife's dementia, was her handwriting deteriorated. This was most noticeable with her inability to write her signature, where she would print, instead of signing. You can imagine that things like banking became a problem and on the run up to diagnosis, when we were advised to sort out LPAs, getting her to sign all the relevant parts was a complete nightmare!

At the same time, she started forgetting all about birthdays etc, which at first, I found quite upsetting. I've got used to it now and I am lucky in that my youngest son has taken it on himself, to write cards and buy presents from my wife to me. I find this both en-heartening and upsetting, at the same time but I am grateful that he does it.

Phil