Spotted JorgiePorgie's thread that sounded so apt as did LucyHP's but didn't want to step on anyone's toes as not been here for a few years even though have hit many levels of enough over the years, today is another enough day. I suppose I am just venting for the sake of catharsis so replies entirely optional. Do people have to warn about possible trigger on this forum? Hopefully the mods will advise.
Carer for parents of 80+, dad showing signs of undiagnosed AD but mobile, mother is well but less mobile.
Over the past few years, episodes of bad mouthing, swearing, verbal putdowns, talking to self at various times of day, night - 1-5am. Does very little, eats a lot, sleeps, gambles, mouth never stops with toxic comments however trivial. Used to be twice a year to once quarterly at most, but now a several times daily.
He was awake at 5.55am and started swearing and bad mouthing me out loud from his bed, despite mum trying to sleep. No regard for anyone trying to sleep. I best describe his AD as like an elastic band that slowly stretches during sleep. Gradually being stretched until he wakes and then before he has even reached half way down the stairs, the toxic begins. Then after a while after breakfast once that energy has been released, humming or singing as though nothing has happened. Used to only happen once a month but now it is several times a day. Morning, noon and night in between periods of intentional noise, excessive bashing of utensils, furniture, anything he can move he moves with as much noise - if he's awake then everyone else should be.
This morning after months of relentless verbal, I argued back. I know, I know. I shouldn't have. I have ignored it for such a long time. How many times can you hear it before your own sanity is in shreds? He was so vicious, frothing at the mouth, fingers and pointing and sheer ferociousness, the look of a rabid dog.
I merely asked why the h does he always constantly bad mouthing me. I've never said a bad word to him, never argue, provide everything the house needs while he waits on like a lord. If looks could kill. The fact that I think the brain does not know what his mouth is doing, he avoided the question repeatedly and started dragging out events from the archives 10+ years about trivial things to avoid the question of why I am this, that and the other. I don't think he knows, hence not having an answer to my question. Poor mum. I'm always constantly reminding her not to take the bait whenever he is trying to pick and argument with her, and then I do the opposite.
I admire my mum's strength and resolve. She has put up with it for a long time and she remains conditioned and calm. So much easier than me. Many years of wisdom and thick skin I guess.
Needless to say he will be fine for a bit until bedtime or early hours when seemingly a synapse will fire and he will replay an event in time over and over again in bed. I thought the evening episodes could be sundowning perhaps, something I read the definition of recently. I doesn't really apply in the daytime so that could be easily dismissed during the daytime. Fast forward an hour, singing and humming like nothing has happened.
OK, you're probably thinking why undiagnosed? You wouldn't be first to ask.
The GPs have conducted a memory test a while ago and he's fine with those types of questions such as what day is it and what did you have for breakfast. When he is out he puts on such a false nice persona. Lots of fake smiles and praise. Behind closed doors, very temperamental and verbally toxic.
Considering his age, he goes out and meets his usual crowd and have a flutter. That's all he knows and all he does. He never shops for anything, I do that with or without my mum. All the food is always in, all the bills are sorted. All he does was mentioned in para.2.
You're probably also thinking any respite? No. None whatsoever. Well maybe when he does out, you could say that is respite. I did have an appt with carers centre and was told after a long chat and a breakdown that they didn't think they need to see me again. That was about 8 years ago I think. Things may have changed since then but I think you can only start helping once that person has acknowledged there's a illness. He doesn't see or think so.
My respite is my room. End of. When you look after two people, there is no respite. Not like if you were only looking after one.
There are other siblings, but they know all about his behviour and very rarely come at all unless they know when he is out. Thankfully nieces and nephews, however young have heard about AD so they know why he is socially and emotionally detached.
I have always said throughout all these years of caring and going from well paid full time job to just only CA that this was the path I have chosen to look after my parents. I knew his AD was bad but it was only occasional. Very regularly is an entirely different matter and today was that 'had enough day' point. I also have said consistently that once my job was done to the best of my ability, I would check out. I have lost so much over the years. Social life, relationships, job, income, interaction, freedom. It's like sugar coated domestic abuse but almost like just because it is AD it is acceptable. Remove that AD tag and it's downright abuse. Isn't it?
He has a GP appt next week after he had to go for bloods few weeks ago. That was a miracle as he usually is very non-compliant. Very reactive and 0% proactive when it comes to his meds. Very 'I'm not in pain therefore I won't take' Then when he is in a bad way, he says the GPs are useless and amateur, the meds are rubbish because they don't work overnight.
I can assure you he will be all smiles while he is there. As soon as he returns to the front door, the expletives will start behind closed doors.
Today I easily could have checked out. Period. The selfish peace and solitude. A way out from Groundhog Day. Never having to worry about the tiredness. The lack of sleep. The anxiety attacks.
I've waded through worse. Maybe I can carry on a bit longer. Just a bit more.
I could go on but have tea to cook tea for them while head and eyelids keep trying to nod me off. If only he could comprehend the phrase 'don't bite the hand that feeds you'.
Carer for parents of 80+, dad showing signs of undiagnosed AD but mobile, mother is well but less mobile.
Over the past few years, episodes of bad mouthing, swearing, verbal putdowns, talking to self at various times of day, night - 1-5am. Does very little, eats a lot, sleeps, gambles, mouth never stops with toxic comments however trivial. Used to be twice a year to once quarterly at most, but now a several times daily.
He was awake at 5.55am and started swearing and bad mouthing me out loud from his bed, despite mum trying to sleep. No regard for anyone trying to sleep. I best describe his AD as like an elastic band that slowly stretches during sleep. Gradually being stretched until he wakes and then before he has even reached half way down the stairs, the toxic begins. Then after a while after breakfast once that energy has been released, humming or singing as though nothing has happened. Used to only happen once a month but now it is several times a day. Morning, noon and night in between periods of intentional noise, excessive bashing of utensils, furniture, anything he can move he moves with as much noise - if he's awake then everyone else should be.
This morning after months of relentless verbal, I argued back. I know, I know. I shouldn't have. I have ignored it for such a long time. How many times can you hear it before your own sanity is in shreds? He was so vicious, frothing at the mouth, fingers and pointing and sheer ferociousness, the look of a rabid dog.
I merely asked why the h does he always constantly bad mouthing me. I've never said a bad word to him, never argue, provide everything the house needs while he waits on like a lord. If looks could kill. The fact that I think the brain does not know what his mouth is doing, he avoided the question repeatedly and started dragging out events from the archives 10+ years about trivial things to avoid the question of why I am this, that and the other. I don't think he knows, hence not having an answer to my question. Poor mum. I'm always constantly reminding her not to take the bait whenever he is trying to pick and argument with her, and then I do the opposite.
I admire my mum's strength and resolve. She has put up with it for a long time and she remains conditioned and calm. So much easier than me. Many years of wisdom and thick skin I guess.
Needless to say he will be fine for a bit until bedtime or early hours when seemingly a synapse will fire and he will replay an event in time over and over again in bed. I thought the evening episodes could be sundowning perhaps, something I read the definition of recently. I doesn't really apply in the daytime so that could be easily dismissed during the daytime. Fast forward an hour, singing and humming like nothing has happened.
OK, you're probably thinking why undiagnosed? You wouldn't be first to ask.
The GPs have conducted a memory test a while ago and he's fine with those types of questions such as what day is it and what did you have for breakfast. When he is out he puts on such a false nice persona. Lots of fake smiles and praise. Behind closed doors, very temperamental and verbally toxic.
Considering his age, he goes out and meets his usual crowd and have a flutter. That's all he knows and all he does. He never shops for anything, I do that with or without my mum. All the food is always in, all the bills are sorted. All he does was mentioned in para.2.
You're probably also thinking any respite? No. None whatsoever. Well maybe when he does out, you could say that is respite. I did have an appt with carers centre and was told after a long chat and a breakdown that they didn't think they need to see me again. That was about 8 years ago I think. Things may have changed since then but I think you can only start helping once that person has acknowledged there's a illness. He doesn't see or think so.
My respite is my room. End of. When you look after two people, there is no respite. Not like if you were only looking after one.
There are other siblings, but they know all about his behviour and very rarely come at all unless they know when he is out. Thankfully nieces and nephews, however young have heard about AD so they know why he is socially and emotionally detached.
I have always said throughout all these years of caring and going from well paid full time job to just only CA that this was the path I have chosen to look after my parents. I knew his AD was bad but it was only occasional. Very regularly is an entirely different matter and today was that 'had enough day' point. I also have said consistently that once my job was done to the best of my ability, I would check out. I have lost so much over the years. Social life, relationships, job, income, interaction, freedom. It's like sugar coated domestic abuse but almost like just because it is AD it is acceptable. Remove that AD tag and it's downright abuse. Isn't it?
He has a GP appt next week after he had to go for bloods few weeks ago. That was a miracle as he usually is very non-compliant. Very reactive and 0% proactive when it comes to his meds. Very 'I'm not in pain therefore I won't take' Then when he is in a bad way, he says the GPs are useless and amateur, the meds are rubbish because they don't work overnight.
I can assure you he will be all smiles while he is there. As soon as he returns to the front door, the expletives will start behind closed doors.
Today I easily could have checked out. Period. The selfish peace and solitude. A way out from Groundhog Day. Never having to worry about the tiredness. The lack of sleep. The anxiety attacks.
I've waded through worse. Maybe I can carry on a bit longer. Just a bit more.
I could go on but have tea to cook tea for them while head and eyelids keep trying to nod me off. If only he could comprehend the phrase 'don't bite the hand that feeds you'.
