Loss of my special friend

[bereaved]

I lost my special friend of 7.5 years on 3rd April 2017 from Alzheimer's. He had been diagnosed about 6 years ago with mild Alzheimer's. He then went into the moderate stage and finally but very quickly into the severe stage where he was hospitalised for 4 weeks. I am amazed at how quickly the severe stage took hold of him, unable to eat, drink, talk, walk, lost so much weight and was very weak. I was lucky in one respect that even on the afternoon before he passed away in the evening he still recognised me and did know my voice and that I was there at his bedside with him. Unfortunately, I was not at the hospital when he actually passed peacefully away.

At the present moment I feel that I am in denial, waiting for his telephone calls that I know are not going to come anymore or to hear his voice. I realise that I will go through and eventually get through this grieving process but on some days I feel alright and other days I am not. A huge hole has been left in my life as he needed so much of my time, care and help which I freely gave and because he was a special friend nothing that anyone says or does helps to ease my pain of my loss.

I'm sure others who have lost someone to Alzheimer's will understand what I am going through. Bereaved.

 

[Shedrech]

hello bereaved
welcome to TP, though I'm so sorry for the circumstances under which you've joined us
your friend was a lucky man to have had you standing by him through all those years; I'm so glad he knew that you were with him that evening, it will have been a comfort to him and I hope will comfort you in the tough days ahead
my condolences on your loss

 

[100 miles]

Bereaved,

I am sorry for your loss. And it is no time at all since he passed away so don't expect the pain to ease any time soon. A peaceful end is the best anyone can hope for. And it is surprisingly common that people die when the family member/ friend has just popped out for a short time.

No-one can take away the pain of losing a good friend but at some time in the future it will not be the centre of your life. It may just be a nagging ache of something that is missing.

You have done a great job caring for him over the years. Try to get some rest and think about the happier times. And take care of yourself. Lots of people here understand.

100 miles

 

[Murper1]

It is so hard to see a person close to you go through so much, to be there for them, and then to be left by them. But the good memories and good feelings will shine through eventually. Until then, take care of yourself.

 

[CollegeGirl]

I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your special friend, who you obviously loved dearly. It's such early days, only a couple of weeks or so, please be kind and gentle with yourself as you go through the grieving process, which can vary enormously between individuals.

The end stage came quickly for your friend and it has obviously been a huge shock to you, which is perfectly understandable. Please do keep posting if it helps, there is always someone around to 'listen'.

Thinking of you x

 

[Slugsta]

I am so sorry to hear that you have lost such a special friend. It is very early days yet, please look after yourself.

 

[LadyA]

My condolences to you on your loss. This is certainly a time for being kind to yourself.

 

[HillyBilly]

I am so very sorry for yur loss. I hope that, as they say, time will be a healer for you and that you will remember predominantly mostly the good times that you and your friend had before dementia. In the meantime this forum is always here for you x

 

[bereaved]

Thank you so much to all who have responded to my thread. It is so good to know that people understand exactly what I am going through. Very early days for me and accept the advice that you have all given with grateful thanks.

Hopefully, the bad memories of my friend's last few days will be replaced with the good memories that we shared together before the onset of Alzheimer's.

I have also found that the Alzheimer's helpline and the leaflets on this website have helped with unanswered questions that I had although they were probably explained just after my friend passed away but it was me not taking them in.

Bereaved

 

[CollegeGirl]

Yes, it's hard to take things in when you're still reeling from the shock. I'm glad the helpline and leaflets are answering some of your questions. And we are also here, to give you a bit of a virtual hug when you need one. x

 

[bereaved]

Thank you

Yes, it's hard to take things in when you're still reeling from the shock. I'm glad the helpline and leaflets are answering some of your questions. And we are also here, to give you a bit of a virtual hug when you need one. x

Thank you for your very kind responses. A few more weeks gone by now but still very early days and know that I need to go through the grieving process. Still have pictures in my head of my friend's final days but have put up a lovely picture of him playing his guitar when he was well and this is how I really want to remember him. I have a beautiful 2.5 year old grand daughter who asks me to give her "big hugs" and if only she knew that when she reciprocates these back to me not only is she showing me her love for me and me for her but helps with the grief I feel for the special friend that I was so lucky to have had.

 

[CollegeGirl]

That's absolutely lovely, bereaved. Hugs from children are just about the best hugs that anyone can have and I hope you get lots and lots.

xxx

 

[bereaved]

Still finding it very difficult to come to terms with the fact that my special friend went into the final stage of alzheimers so quickly and miss him terribly. I know there are several stages of grief, denial, anger, guilt all 3 of which so far I have felt. I am starting counselling on 12th June so am hoping that this will enable me to talk to someone outside of the family circle who will understand exactly how I feel. I have had counselling before when my husband passed away (from a heart condition) and would recommend counselling to anyone who is in this situation. The death of my husband almost 10 years ago and now of my special friend had similarities but my friend's death was what I would describe as horrific to sit my his bedside and watch and to know that his mind had been affected so badly with halucinations, jerking, not being able to speak etc. At the moment this picture is so vivid in my mind that I am unable to see the pictures of when he was reasonably well and of the happy times. This is such a terrible disease and I hope and pray that one day a cure will be found.

I am so glad that The Alzheimers Society told me about Talking Point and that I joined.

 

[LadyA]

It's still very early days for you, bereaved.

 

[bereaved]

Am now having counselling from CRUSE will be the 3rd session tomorrow Thurs 8th June. Think that it may be helping to talk to someone outside the family circle and my friends. Have felt really guilty about the way my friend's funeral was arranged, I didnt have a say in it, only the Executor of the Will despite the fact that my friend appointed me as his next of kin. Felt guilty because the one lot of flowers were only a "bunch" when it should have been a spray of flowers for him. However, the Counsellor was really good in drawing to my attention and asking me what my friend would have said if he had been sitting in on our conversation. It hit me then that he would have said that it wasn't my fault and this week have realised that that was true! Next Thurs 15th June his ashes are being scattered in a London Crematorium and I will be able to take flowers that he so deserved.
Maybe a small thing but huge to me! Today would have been his birthday so somehow I have got through but the tears have been flowing.
I'm in the process of setting up an Educational Memorial Fund with Save the Children as I will be unable to go to London to place flowers. To help children who are less fortunate in other countries was very dear to his heart.
Thank you again to those of you who have commented on my thread, these have been very helpful. Bereaved.

 

[LadyA]

Well done bereaved, you've taken the first baby steps forward. Grieving a loss like this is, I think, something that remains with us the rest of our lives, although not as sharp and fierce as the first months. It gradually fades into the background, like "white noise", but now and then will jump out at us again, taking us by surprise. My husband is nearly two years dead, but just this evening I got a surge of grief while cooking an omelette! It suddenly brought back memories of how much he loved omelettes, and especially loved me to make a large one to share. Little reminders - sometimes they can be very poignant.

 

[bereaved]

Well done bereaved, you've taken the first baby steps forward. Grieving a loss like this is, I think, something that remains with us the rest of our lives, although not as sharp and fierce as the first months. It gradually fades into the background, like "white noise", but now and then will jump out at us again, taking us by surprise. My husband is nearly two years dead, but just this evening I got a surge of grief while cooking an omelette! It suddenly brought back memories of how much he loved omelettes, and especially loved me to make a large one to share. Little reminders - sometimes they can be very poignant.

Thank you so much for responding to my latest thread so quickly, but I guess this is what this forum is all about. I can relate to what you have said about things "jumping out". This appears to happen when you least expect them. I do hope that despite this bringing you a surge of grief again that you remember the happiness that your husband loved you to make a large omelette to share together. Bereaved

 

[Louby65]

Thank you so much for responding to my latest thread so quickly, but I guess this is what this forum is all about. I can relate to what you have said about things "jumping out". This appears to happen when you least expect them. I do hope that despite this bringing you a surge of grief again that you remember the happiness that your husband loved you to make a large omelette to share together. Bereaved

Oh bereaved , how lucky was your friend to have someone as special as you in his life . Not many of us are as fortunate . Wishing you happy thoughts as you remember the good times , of which I'm sure there are plenty . Be kind to yourself . Best wishes , Lou x

 

[bereaved]

I cannot express enough that the CRUSE counselling that I am having after losing my special friend is so helpful and although I did say to the counsellor that I still feel a deep emptiness on losing him but believes after 4 sessions I appear to be coping better. I will always miss him and especially the phone calls asking for my help as he knew that if he had lost something I could suggest where it might be despite being 85 miles away from each other! He used to tell me that I was "special" and I used to tell him that I was no different from anyone else, maybe he was right after all! The fact was that he had no other help and no support even from the "professionals". However, despite feeling guilty over things not quite as I had hoped for at his funeral, the counsellor did ask me that if my friend had been included in the conversation, what did I think he would say. I knew immediately that he would have said that it was not my fault as it was not me who did the arrangements. My friend's ashes are still to be scattered and I just feel that as I have arranged this it will be done how he would have wanted as I knew him so well. The small touch of a lovely bouquet of flowers, perhaps a seemingly small thing to some, but a large thing to me, will be put "right" at the scattering. I miss him so much and believe I always will.

 

[bereaved]

Now 12 weeks since my special friend passed away. I wonder if others do this, count the weeks, time, day and experience especially at the exact same time the feeling of loss so so much? His ashes are still to be scattered at the Crematorium that he wished but has had to be postponed twice already due to illness of his cousin who will be desperately upset if he cannot attend. Will I get a feeling of finality I wonder when the ashes have been scattered? I'm not sure what to expect and what my reaction will be but I do know one thing for certain that my friend will be with me always. Bereaved.