When they are in care and its you on the outside

[carer13]

My wife has been in care a year now and although its definitely the best place for her condition has remained stable actually improved due mainly her regular medication.

My wife is now 69 and I am 67 her toy boy, i am after the initial shock of her going into care and literally following paths of distraction to help my stress i find that i have reverted to my old self of getting older but trying to enjoy my retirement( I took esrly retirement from my job to assist my wife and get a diagnosis which took a year).

We were never social not needing others apart from a few close friends and we had our children to bring up its was enough for us both.

I like gardening and fishing walking I have now got an older dog as company and a German Shepherd ***** the only breed we ever had for 25 years then a gap of 11 years
till the new old one. My wife has been introduced and all the others on her wing at the care home have seen Lola they all love her visiting.

So I have settled slightly but now and again a sense of dread grabs me because I realise my wife isn't getting out of the care home and my life is on my own for ever!

As my wife is manageable with the proper care being available i am considering whether it is possible to be with her in a care complex or have our own small bungalow in such a complex and are they all leasehold?And costly because it would help me to know that I would have some cover health wise for the future.

Any suggestions of whom to go for advice etc?

 

[Shedrech]

interesting thought carer13
I think an American member has described the kind of complex you are thinking of, but I don't know whether there are any in the UK
I wonder whether local estate agents may know of anywhere, especially the ones which are linked to a national chain - or look in the magazines aimed at older folk, there may be ads for residential complexes - or your local AS and AgeUK offices
I know that one of the care homes near me has not only rooms but small flatlets, so residents who can cope have their own living room, small kitchen area, bedroom and bathroom, all within one wing of the home (which does cater for those with dementia) so the resident can be self sufficient to an extent but has all the facilities of the home freely available - not sure if they accepted couples - and these flatlets did not cost massively more than just a room; though that in itself is not cheap compared to renting a flat elsewhere

I do like the thought of you taking Lola in to visit your wife and sharing her with all the other residents - I'll bet she raises smiles all round

best wishes

 

[Kevinl]

I know what you're going through, my wife went into a secure unit at 62 and is now in an EMI nursing unit at just turned 64, I'm still only 61 so there's a lot of life still to go.
I harbour the dream that I can take my wife out of "that place" someday but the longer it goes on the less likely it is going to happen.
It may be right now it's the best place for her, it just isn't the best place for me.
K

 

[Grannie G]

Our son found it very difficult to accept he would be visiting us at different locations even though we were still `together`. He knew his dad needed care I was unable to give and I had tried my hardest to keep him with me, but it didn’t make it any easier.

I have no answers. We have to try to do what`s best in very sad circumstances but best is seldom good enough.

 

[Rageddy Anne]

Hello Carer 13. What you describe would be a good way forward, and perhaps you'll find somewhere where it's possible to be together with extra care for her.

I joke about moving into the Care home where my husband is....he needs the extra care for his dementia that I couldn't manage alone. I do spend a lot of time with him, and it does begin to feel like a home from home, but I'm free to go home to sleep, and have outings with friends, knowing he's safe.

It probably depends on the sort of Care Home your wife is in...The one where my husband was before felt institutional and I never felt relaxed there, whereas his new place feels just like a second home, complete with a lovely, kind, extended family.

 

[LadyA]

Hello Carer13. I believe there's a "Retirement Village" near me here in Ireland, that has bungalows and apartments for couples, a nursing home and a specialist dementia unit, which would be the nearest to what you describe. And yes, it's massively expensive, from what I understand. I think the bungalows/apartments are for those that are independent and don't need "care" as such.

 

[HillyBilly]

Hello Carer13. I believe there's a "Retirement Village" near me here in Ireland, that has bungalows and apartments for couples, a nursing home and a specialist dementia unit, which would be the nearest to what you describe. And yes, it's massively expensive, from what I understand. I think the bungalows/apartments are for those that are independent and don't need "care" as such.

Yes - there are places like this in the UK too. I certainly know of one that is run by one of the churchy/charity based care organisations and they are probably UK-wide.

 

[carer13]

Thanks to all that replied and it is appreciated to know that there are many of us whose lives revolve around their loved one.

Maybe in the future this will addressed so that instead of a suffering caring partner they if they want to be able to stay with them.

Although two years I was suffering the pain of trying to assist and get my wife sorted out.

I was in a different place basically thinking once shes OK I will be OK no chance! Either I have some sort of worry worm or just cannot stop thinking on how she is.
The more remote or further away from my wife relatives(not our children) friends who offer advice to me which I find sometimes insulting patronising because how can know it! It isn't their fault they cannot be me/us anymore than I can be them.

A very cruel dilemma indeed.