Does anyone suffer from debilitating anxiety? I care for my husband who has mixed dementia and a colostomy after bowel cancer. He is not incapacitated and still able to operate physically. His memory is however very poor and he's unable to manage without me looking after his day to day needs. I am a capable person and the physical side of caring is not an issue. My problem seems to be the constant worry of keeping on top of everything as well as all the insurances, utility arrangements, shopping, garden, cleaning, dog care, laundry and house maintenance. I manage ok but it constantly nags at me and I've started having a horrible tightness in my stomach, sore neck, back, and general malaise. I'm on citalapram for depression which seems to work but the anxiety is killing me. It's worst first thing in the morning. Its all so relentless. I've seen the Dr and have a clean bill of health. I'd be interested in hearing how others deal with it.
Anxiety
- Thread starter dollydee
- Start date
Anxiety is a normal response
Hi Dolly,
I am so sorry to hear the impact anxiety is having on your wellbeing. I have struggled greatly with anxiety and know just how debilitating it can be. My biggest advice to you would be to try and understand the anxiety rather than fight it. You are taking on a huge challenge and it is perfectly normal to feel the way you do. Try and be kinder to yourself and recognise that you are doing the very best you can. If the laundry or house work does not get done, that is ok. Do not put too much pressure on yourself to do everything. I read an amazing book called “The Compassionate Mind” by Paul Gilbert, it really helped me to understand my emotions and why I was responding the way I was, in turn this helped me address the route of my fear and manage it.
Hope it helps a little,
Skip the washing and have a cuppa x
Hi Dolly,
I am so sorry to hear the impact anxiety is having on your wellbeing. I have struggled greatly with anxiety and know just how debilitating it can be. My biggest advice to you would be to try and understand the anxiety rather than fight it. You are taking on a huge challenge and it is perfectly normal to feel the way you do. Try and be kinder to yourself and recognise that you are doing the very best you can. If the laundry or house work does not get done, that is ok. Do not put too much pressure on yourself to do everything. I read an amazing book called “The Compassionate Mind” by Paul Gilbert, it really helped me to understand my emotions and why I was responding the way I was, in turn this helped me address the route of my fear and manage it.
Hope it helps a little,
Skip the washing and have a cuppa x
Anxiety and morning headaches rang a bell with me in your post. Last September I finally took myself to the GP and found I had raised blood pressure and cholesterol for the first time in my life. I put myself on a diet and lost astone and a half. I took blood pressure tablets and statins. I was referred to a physiotherapist for stress headaches and arthritis in my neck.
All in all I am in a better place and feel that sorting my health out has reduced my anxiety. The trouble is that as carers we don't stop to look after ourselves often enough.
All in all I am in a better place and feel that sorting my health out has reduced my anxiety. The trouble is that as carers we don't stop to look after ourselves often enough.
Thank you both. It helps to share. I've got all clear on everything from Dr. so no physical cause. Just over thinking everything. I've very little motivation nowadays so it's a huge task to kick myself into starting things. I also help run a greyhound rescue and teach riding to disabled children, so admin, moving dogs about, making lesson plans, all add to my list. However these things also get me out and about, and as holidays are a thing of the past, I do enjoy them.
hi dollydee
are you literally doing all those things yourself? - maybe consider having a cleaner who will do the laundry too, a regular gardener, getting shopping online + delivered, having ready meals or takeaways at times ...
I do wonder whether you are actually putting stress on yourself when you say
sorry if this is speaking out of turn
best wishes
are you literally doing all those things yourself? - maybe consider having a cleaner who will do the laundry too, a regular gardener, getting shopping online + delivered, having ready meals or takeaways at times ...
I do wonder whether you are actually putting stress on yourself when you say
none of us is superwoman and things we have previously just taken in our stride can become more of a challenge when so many other responsibilities pile up; it can be hard to accept that each of us does in fact have limitations and can't continue to do everything 100% - maybe it is time to also have support with some of the physical tasks of caring; might a sitter for your husband mean you can leave him with a bit more confidence, or even some days at a day centre so that you can wholly concentrate on what you want and need to do on those days
sorry if this is speaking out of turn
best wishes
Hello, dollydee.
Yes, the anxiety is definitely familiar, I'm sorry to say, and I'm sorry to hear you are having trouble with it.
I absolutely know about that anxious feeling first thing in the morning (and also last thing at night, preventing sleep), and the headaches, and the aches and pains, all of that.
I would say these are the things that helped me:
-more support for me (TP, support group in real life, having more help around the house or just me doing less, and my mother moving into a care home)
-seeing my doctors, one of whom is wonderfully supportive
-a stress reduction class that taught some relaxation and meditation techniques that have helped a great deal
-off and on, a therapist (counselor) to talk to
-a massage therapist (whom I see more than the other therapist! The massage therapist got rid of my headaches, which were caused mostly my stress and muscle tension, and keeps them and a lot of other aches and pains at bay, or under control)
-better diet
-exercise
-getting outside whenever possible
-making sure I have time for at least a few things that are important to me every week, like a favorite exercise class, or social time with a friend, et cetera
I understand that caring for a spouse is different to a parent; my mother, who had been living alone with only me to support her from 100 miles away, finally had a minor crisis, went into hospital, was sectioned, and then deemed needed to have a secure care home placement.
You sound like you have a LOT going on.
Perhaps you feel overwhelmed by all the admin and laundry and bits and pieces because when you add those to your work and then add dementia to the mix, it is overwhelming.
I would strongly suggest you delegate or hire out anything you can, such as laundry, cleaning, gardening, jobs around the house, et cetera. Even doing some of the shopping online can be a relief (two years after my mother went into the care home, I still do a lot of shopping online--I often can't face the errands).
As far as your husband goes, I would seek support for both of you. This could be carers coming in, day care, respite, carer's cafes and support groups, singing for the brain, paid help, whatever will be useful to you. Nobody can be the lone 24/7 carer for someone with dementia, forever, with no help or support, without risking their health and/or carer's breakdown. (The statistics about carers who get ill, break down, and/or die before the person for whom they care does, are grim.)
If you were caring for your husband with dementia and a colostomy bag, without anything else on your list, I would say that you would already have a very full plate.
The sad thing about dementia is that it is a progressive disease, things change (sometimes constantly), and eventually, it gets worse. I have learned a few things about dementia, and one of them is that it will absorb as much time and energy as you throw at it. Another is that you should never refuse any offer of help, even if you don't think you want or need it.
I will let the UK residents talk to you about your Local Authority and Social Services and so forth, but if you are not already in the system, that's a place to start.
I hope you will find some good advice and ideas here on TP, and that you can find a way to get more support, and reduce your stress and anxiety and be able to feel better. Very best wishes to you.
Yes, the anxiety is definitely familiar, I'm sorry to say, and I'm sorry to hear you are having trouble with it.
I absolutely know about that anxious feeling first thing in the morning (and also last thing at night, preventing sleep), and the headaches, and the aches and pains, all of that.
I would say these are the things that helped me:
-more support for me (TP, support group in real life, having more help around the house or just me doing less, and my mother moving into a care home)
-seeing my doctors, one of whom is wonderfully supportive
-a stress reduction class that taught some relaxation and meditation techniques that have helped a great deal
-off and on, a therapist (counselor) to talk to
-a massage therapist (whom I see more than the other therapist! The massage therapist got rid of my headaches, which were caused mostly my stress and muscle tension, and keeps them and a lot of other aches and pains at bay, or under control)
-better diet
-exercise
-getting outside whenever possible
-making sure I have time for at least a few things that are important to me every week, like a favorite exercise class, or social time with a friend, et cetera
I understand that caring for a spouse is different to a parent; my mother, who had been living alone with only me to support her from 100 miles away, finally had a minor crisis, went into hospital, was sectioned, and then deemed needed to have a secure care home placement.
You sound like you have a LOT going on.
Perhaps you feel overwhelmed by all the admin and laundry and bits and pieces because when you add those to your work and then add dementia to the mix, it is overwhelming.
I would strongly suggest you delegate or hire out anything you can, such as laundry, cleaning, gardening, jobs around the house, et cetera. Even doing some of the shopping online can be a relief (two years after my mother went into the care home, I still do a lot of shopping online--I often can't face the errands).
As far as your husband goes, I would seek support for both of you. This could be carers coming in, day care, respite, carer's cafes and support groups, singing for the brain, paid help, whatever will be useful to you. Nobody can be the lone 24/7 carer for someone with dementia, forever, with no help or support, without risking their health and/or carer's breakdown. (The statistics about carers who get ill, break down, and/or die before the person for whom they care does, are grim.)
If you were caring for your husband with dementia and a colostomy bag, without anything else on your list, I would say that you would already have a very full plate.
The sad thing about dementia is that it is a progressive disease, things change (sometimes constantly), and eventually, it gets worse. I have learned a few things about dementia, and one of them is that it will absorb as much time and energy as you throw at it. Another is that you should never refuse any offer of help, even if you don't think you want or need it.
I will let the UK residents talk to you about your Local Authority and Social Services and so forth, but if you are not already in the system, that's a place to start.
I hope you will find some good advice and ideas here on TP, and that you can find a way to get more support, and reduce your stress and anxiety and be able to feel better. Very best wishes to you.
Hi Shed reckon
No worries about speaking out, it's great that you do. Yes I do do all those things. Some don't take long, others are more time consuming. Much as I would love to have a cleaner, I can't really afford to. I agree I do bring it on myself somewhat and I do have a respite day once a fortnight. I find its the THINKING about these things that cause anxiety. Once I stated doing them I feel much better. Thanks for your input it really helps to put things in perspective.
Thank you Amy, for your very useful advice and thoughts. I agree I won't be able to keep it up forever. However as I can't fund cleaner or gardeners, I do allow myself a bit of leeway. I redesigned the garden to be labour friendly ditto the house. I do have us both on a healthy diet and my dogs give me all the exercise outdoors I need. There will come a time I will need to reassess and as a natural worrier I guess it's that looming future that sets off the anxiety. Just talking with you all today has greatly helped.
Thank you yes. I have both of those plus funding for a respite day once a fortnight. I'm probably being a bit of a wuzz but it so helps to speak to you folks.
Dollydee, there's no shame in talking to people, especially here on TP. I have gotten so much support and advice and information here, it's staggering.
All you can do, is the best you can do.
Would you be entitled to carer visits? Even if they just provide some company, it could be useful, and allow you and your husband to get used to having carers in, against the day when you do need the hands-on help. I don't know if your husband is yet/currently at the stage where he needs 24 hour company, but it could give you a bit of a break.
I have found that lowering my standards about household type things has helped enormously. I am not talking about anything harmful or unhygienic, just less pressure for things to be a certain way. That is to say, my house is a lot dustier than it used to be and I finally got to the place where I don't care as much. (It took a while to get there, I won't lie.) There might be things you feel you have to do, or ought to do, or should do, that maybe don't matter as much as you think? Again, I know it's different for everyone, and it can be hard to make changes or let go of certain routines.
All of this advice is easy to say, and difficult to do. We get that. Please don't hesitate to post and please do look after yourself as best you can. You are not weak; dementia is hard!
All you can do, is the best you can do.
Would you be entitled to carer visits? Even if they just provide some company, it could be useful, and allow you and your husband to get used to having carers in, against the day when you do need the hands-on help. I don't know if your husband is yet/currently at the stage where he needs 24 hour company, but it could give you a bit of a break.
I have found that lowering my standards about household type things has helped enormously. I am not talking about anything harmful or unhygienic, just less pressure for things to be a certain way. That is to say, my house is a lot dustier than it used to be and I finally got to the place where I don't care as much. (It took a while to get there, I won't lie.) There might be things you feel you have to do, or ought to do, or should do, that maybe don't matter as much as you think? Again, I know it's different for everyone, and it can be hard to make changes or let go of certain routines.
All of this advice is easy to say, and difficult to do. We get that. Please don't hesitate to post and please do look after yourself as best you can. You are not weak; dementia is hard!
Hi Dollydee, oh yes I can identify that overwhelming feeling of anxiety and thinking too much. I tried several ways of dealing with it, including talk therapy, counselling, hypnotherapy, etc, before eventually being prescribed a short course of the beta blocker propranolol, which was like a miracle and took away all the nasty physical effects I was experiencing.
The pills didn't, of course, solve my problems, but as the physical symptoms reduced, I was able to deal with things much better and without having a meltdown.
High anxiety is really horrible, I hope you can find a way that works for you of dealing with it.
And you are definitely not a wuss. I have much less to deal with than you, and yet I nearly went under.
Big hugs x
The pills didn't, of course, solve my problems, but as the physical symptoms reduced, I was able to deal with things much better and without having a meltdown.
High anxiety is really horrible, I hope you can find a way that works for you of dealing with it.
And you are definitely not a wuss. I have much less to deal with than you, and yet I nearly went under.
Big hugs x
Hi dollydee
You are amazing meaning all the house work /bills/outside jobs and caring for your oh!
You are entitled to rant and moan as much as you want
Tp is like a large safety valve
I only joined in March, but have read so many stories,good advice and suggestions it makes me realise lots and lots of other carers are dealing with similar and worse situations. Many are further down the dementia road the we are and are very supportive and willing to help with their own experiences.
Are there any if the most basic tasks that your oh would be able to perform?
Folding the towels/ putting paper in recycling box for example ? Even if it is a very small task,it something you don't need to do and he may recognise he is helping you
Sending best wishes
Ros
You are amazing meaning all the house work /bills/outside jobs and caring for your oh!
You are entitled to rant and moan as much as you want
Tp is like a large safety valve
I only joined in March, but have read so many stories,good advice and suggestions it makes me realise lots and lots of other carers are dealing with similar and worse situations. Many are further down the dementia road the we are and are very supportive and willing to help with their own experiences.
Are there any if the most basic tasks that your oh would be able to perform?
Folding the towels/ putting paper in recycling box for example ? Even if it is a very small task,it something you don't need to do and he may recognise he is helping you
Sending best wishes
Ros
Little comment re meds. I take Propranalol (beta blocker) some days for anxiety. It doesn't stop the problems or make them less but it reduces the physical effects of anxiety. So for me it reduces panic attack, tight chest, pounding heart etc. This helps me think clearly. I am also considering counselling but haven't been yet. I turned down citalopram as I don't think I'm depressed but I am very anxious. I know this isn't suitable for everyone but thought I'd mention it. And I know that reducing the things that make us anxious is the best answer but that isn't always possible!
Hi Dollydee,
I have severe anxiety with PTSD and a range of other mental illness issues....did I mention I also care for my Mother in law? However I also take Propranal for the anxiety and I find it works a charm! My anxiety is so severe that I have a shake...its called conversion disorder. And yes Alzeimers makes me very anxious! I actually don't know how I have made it this far (7 months already) but as things regress I am finding I am reaching the end of my rope! My anxiety is increasing every day. I have given my husband an ultimatum. 10 more months and his family have to put mil in a nursing home. As her main carer if I get sick I will be no good to anyone. And I am sick. Just hiding it for now.
I have experienced some horrendous trauma in my life but I have to say this is by far one of the worst experiences I have been through. Unless you live with someone who has it, you just can't explain it. I walk on egg shells all day long (not a great way of life for someone with anxiety) and I find the aggression and snappy comments very stressful.
And it's all day....every day.
She is not my Mum. It comes with a whole load of loaded issues....and I hardly knew her when she moved in....and my husband works away all week. Awkward is not even a strong enough word in my home atm.
As I always say. If only she could embrace her diagnosis and make peace with it and go with the flow, we would be having a far better experience. Instead she is fighting us all the way.....this is our fault she makes mistakes or says wrong words or buys the wrong stuff. We are stupid. There is nothing wrong. She never said that....she never did that....that weird word she used, that's what's she has always called it....her mother did it like that...I have done it this way all my life so don't tell me what to do! It's endless.....
I want to sometimes just say to her....for goodness sake just say whoops I made a mistake and laugh about it....
I once had empathy for her and really tried to grieve for her mind going. But the person she has become is making me hard and always on guard.
This has got to be the saddest disease out there. Watching someone just fade away and be so confused about it....and then forget everyone and everything. It seriously sucks!
Sorry about the rant lol....point is
Sent from my SM-G930F using Talking Point mobile app
I have severe anxiety with PTSD and a range of other mental illness issues....did I mention I also care for my Mother in law? However I also take Propranal for the anxiety and I find it works a charm! My anxiety is so severe that I have a shake...its called conversion disorder. And yes Alzeimers makes me very anxious! I actually don't know how I have made it this far (7 months already) but as things regress I am finding I am reaching the end of my rope! My anxiety is increasing every day. I have given my husband an ultimatum. 10 more months and his family have to put mil in a nursing home. As her main carer if I get sick I will be no good to anyone. And I am sick. Just hiding it for now.
I have experienced some horrendous trauma in my life but I have to say this is by far one of the worst experiences I have been through. Unless you live with someone who has it, you just can't explain it. I walk on egg shells all day long (not a great way of life for someone with anxiety) and I find the aggression and snappy comments very stressful.
And it's all day....every day.
She is not my Mum. It comes with a whole load of loaded issues....and I hardly knew her when she moved in....and my husband works away all week. Awkward is not even a strong enough word in my home atm.
As I always say. If only she could embrace her diagnosis and make peace with it and go with the flow, we would be having a far better experience. Instead she is fighting us all the way.....this is our fault she makes mistakes or says wrong words or buys the wrong stuff. We are stupid. There is nothing wrong. She never said that....she never did that....that weird word she used, that's what's she has always called it....her mother did it like that...I have done it this way all my life so don't tell me what to do! It's endless.....
I want to sometimes just say to her....for goodness sake just say whoops I made a mistake and laugh about it....
I once had empathy for her and really tried to grieve for her mind going. But the person she has become is making me hard and always on guard.
This has got to be the saddest disease out there. Watching someone just fade away and be so confused about it....and then forget everyone and everything. It seriously sucks!
Sorry about the rant lol....point is
Sent from my SM-G930F using Talking Point mobile app
