Afraid for my own mental health

[bydesign]

Yesterday, I talked to my family solicitor about registering Power of Attourney with the Court of Protection for my mum, so that I can start to shoulder some of the struggles with finances.

My mum doesn't have a diagnosis as far as I know (she went for a test and they apparently found nothing wrong) - though she may have chosen to conceal it from me. However, having seen my dad through the various stages of dementia (he's now in the very advanced stage, in a carehome near my mum) I can see what is happening. At the moment she goes from good days/times to bad, where she is disoriented and frenetic, can't remember what she needs to tell me and has pretty poor cognition.

I live some 5 hours away from my mum. I have a troubled relationship with her. I want to do my duty as best I can, but I am really very fearful for my mental health and my own relationship (I have been civilly partnered for 12 years).

My mum has never "talked" to anyone in her life, but a couple of years ago, over a drink with my parents-in-law, chatting about experiences growing up during WW2 she revealed that her mother (my grandmother) was ill when mum was around 3 or 4 years old, and my mum was sent away to be looked after for a while, because my grandfather had been sent to Burma (1942). A little later in the conversation, she was talking about being in this boarding place where two sisters - not nice - were in charge. Out of no-where she got suddenly upset and started saying that all the people abused by Jimmy Savile should have kept it to themselves, that it does no good. As soon as it was out, she steered the conversation away. All of us knew it was weird, and that she had expressed something, in her own way, about being both abandoned and then abused at an early age.

My mum is now becoming frail, isn't eating properly, is depressed and showing signs of dementia. I think she has had PTSD all her life - having looked up the symptoms, it goes some way to understanding my mum - why she is as she is - which includes my own problematic experiences of her as a child and growing up. I was always afraid of when she would get angry for no apparent reason, and I have difficulty recalling close times with her that make me smile (as I do with my dad). This is not to say I don't love her - I do, but with a caveat that she causes me distress, always has.

Suffice to say, I have spent my life protecting myself in some way from my mum. And I have always been terrified of the black hole at the centre of her - without having any of the recent revelation to make any sense of it.

As she develops dementia, she is becoming insistently needy, and berates me for not being in touch (sometimes she forgets). She might be critical in one call, and then all over me being nice the next. I used to phone my parents every 3-6 months as a method of personal survival. But this isn't possible for me as her daughter any more. I am trying to phone her once a week.

Her relationship to me and others is that of a five-year-old who wants everyone but her to take responsibility for her life. Attempts to help are often met with antagonism and refusal. She is a darkly depressed child.

I have a brother who fled to Thailand, has a family and works there. I find him even more problematic than my mum; she idolizes him, and in many ways he is like her. He's not a bad person, but I would say "on the spectrum" and his help can make things worse - his style of communication is loud-hailer.

Anyway - that's the background. Apols - this feels a bit of a too-long post.

I spent 4 days with my mum to make up for having spent Christmas with just me and my partner, for the first time in over 10 years. 4 days is way too long and I am suffering the fallout from this - now three weeks ago. I have had a series of tremendous arguments, and have traumatized my partner with displays of self-harm. I have just sought counselling and think I have some of the signs and symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder - which I experience as extremes of emotion, anger and self-harming and being terrified of being left. I feel very tender and upset about this self-diagnosis - but it is the first time anything has made sense of the way I can occasionally be.

I guess I am afraid of the future, the future of finding ways to cope with caring for my mum. The idea of having her live nearer (she would jump at this in a fraction of a second) would be the end of my mental health. But the idea of travelling to do long weekends with her, or worse, having her visit is equally troubling.

WRT my dad, after a few years of upset and trauma in dealing with it, now I am just very sad about him and miss him a lot. The whole of my family landscape has shifted, my ways of dealing with my broken "family self" - the one I try to keep from capsizing me - is no longer working.

I wonder if anyone else has experiences that echo this. My mum never meant to be a bad parent, she was dealing with things beyond her, but she was in many ways neglectful and abusive - and has never taken any responsibility for it. I feel very very sorry for her sometimes, and bad for myself. Not sure how to look after myself with this little cauldron.

 

[bydesign]

Thanks so much for your sharing this. You childhood sounds pretty bleak - and one thing I will say for my mum and my dad is they did manage to give us a childhood that wasn't blown apart by all the crazy. I think I am on the fringes of your experience, and I can only say what bravery it takes to at least try to take responsibility for your own life - when you have been robbed of your proper beginning in life. I do have foundations -shallow and shale possibly - but my parents were trying to do their best I guess - but I know how hard it can be and the effects is has. I wish you the best, I do.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello bydesign

Reading your post has filled me with admiration.

It is obvious you have suffered and are continuing to suffer, but I still see you as a strong person well able to ride your distressing upbringing and the relationship you have with your mother.

You do not have to take responsibility for your mother`s care , especially if taking responsibility is detrimental to your own mental and physical health.

Please don`t put your health and relationship at risk.

I`m another who had a difficult relationship with my parents. When my father was ill my sister was on hand and I was able to back away. When my mother became ill my sister didn`t want to know, so I took the responsibility only in order to keep my mother safe.

I was determined not to become emotionally involved and although this was unavoidable to some extent, I did not allow it to affect me in the long term.

I think you are intelligent enough to balance the way you attend to your mother`s needs , to ease your conscience and at the same time to come through it unharmed.

Take a step back. Discuss with your partner what you are willing and unwilling to to provide. Contact Social Services and see what they can offer. If your mother is abusive on the phone, tell her you are not prepared to be spoken to in that manner and end the conversation.

Please put yourself first. You do not want to risk being damaged for life by this relationship. Your mother may have been hurt in her childhood but it doesn`t mean you have to compensate by being hurt yourself in turn.

Look after yourself. You are important.

 

[bydesign]

Reading your post has filled me with admiration.

It is obvious you have suffered and are continuing to suffer, but I still see you as a strong person well able to ride your distressing upbringing and the relationship you have with your mother.

You do not have to take responsibility for your mother`s care , especially if taking responsibility is detrimental to your own mental and physical health.

Please don`t put your health and relationship at risk.

I`m another who had a difficult relationship with my parents. When my father was ill my sister was on hand and I was able to back away. When my mother became ill my sister didn`t want to know, so I took the responsibility only in order to keep my mother safe.

I was determined not to become emotionally involved and although this was unavoidable to some extent, I did not allow it to affect me in the long term.

I think you are intelligent enough to balance the way you attend to your mother`s needs , to ease your conscience and at the same time to come through it unharmed.

Take a step back. Discuss with your partner what you are willing and unwilling to to provide. Contact Social Services and see what they can offer. If your mother is abusive on the phone, tell her you are not prepared to be spoken to in that manner and end the conversation.

Please put yourself first. You do not want to risk being damaged for life by this relationship. Your mother may have been hurt in her childhood but it doesn`t mean you have to compensate by being hurt yourself in turn.

Look after yourself. You are important.

Thank you. It's good, after having lost it yesterday, and beginning to think I was losing everything I care about - a leak in sanity - to hear some steadying words. My brother and his family, my mum and my aunt and uncle are coming for the weekend coming up. It's no great shakes to understand that this is underlying my own freaking out; nevertheless, the last thing I want to do is get myself in such a state that nothing will help. I appreciate the straightforward response - especially "ease you conscience" - to understand this as a balancing act rather that about the right and wrong of responsibility is a useful, pragmatic thing.

 

[Oh Knickers]

ByDesign,

Well done for writing what must have been a difficult post. I too have had a difficult and, at times, abusive parent. What I can assure you is that counselling will help you. Not only with your feelings, totally understandable about your mum, but about yourself. There may be times when it can feel quite hard. That is when most movement inside you is happening. Keep with it - you will move mountains. And give yourself the luxury of time to sort this out.

You are wise to have made the decision not to move your mum near you. Have a talk with her GP - you are a close family member - and ask direct questions. You can book a phone consultation. It may be useful to find whether a diagnosis of dementia has been made. If not ask for the steps to be made to get a diagnosis made.

You can limit phone calls from your mum to what you can cope with. I'm afraid, due to bonkers sibling, my phone is permanently on ansaphone. Sibling ruined a couple of Christmases for me and my children by their numerous phone calls over minutiae they could have dealt with by themselves. If they are having a rubbish Christmas does not mean they have the right to ruin other peoples'. You can also get yourself another mobile. Your other one can have a message saying when you will return your mum's call. However, dementia tends to strip away understanding of dates and times.

What would be good to get sorted is AA (Attendance Allowance). You do not need a diagnosis for this. Just write down what help your mum needs. This is the starter line in the sand for SS (Social Services) as an alert for you mum being at risk and vulnerable.

You have so much on your plate. Please use the following organisations to help you and support you. I have found them invaluable and sympathetic to offload to. I have had a lot of issues with a controlling and bonkers sibling. Also, Talking Point is great for offloading to too. There is so much experience here.

On to the organisations:

Alzheimer's Society
Use the link and scroll down the page and put your mum's post code in. The local office will have good knowledge of how things work locally and will guide you. They can also help you with filling in the AA form and, should you want to do this, the Council Tax Disregard. Unhappily the one for Dementia is called Mental Incapacity Disregard. This incensed mother so use with caution.
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/

Age UK
http://www.ageuk.org.uk/

You say your brother lives abroad and is long distance communicator. Because you are in the UK does not mean that you, by default, need to pick up the reins of care for your mother. Should he not step up - leave it to SS. We cannot all take this mantle on. Respect what you can cope with. There are people with dementia who have no-one. SS will survive without you.

Finally, I have found Rescue Remedy has been a real support. Put some drops in a bottle of water and sip through the day. Should you feel you need to try support through your GP do so, We can only cope with so much with fractured foundations. Once your foundations are stronger you will cope with so much more but that does not need to include your mother.

Get some things booked in that you enjoy and can look forward to. Having those little lights welcoming you in the future can make things so much more bearable.

Take care.

 

[AlsoConfused]

For your own safety I think you're going to have to "organise" your Mum's care and social support, not provide it. It won't help your Mum if trying to support her makes YOU ill; and it would be a tragedy for your partner and yourself.

If you can make yourself do it, I think you'd also be wise to try to cut back on the 'phone calls. They used to be once every 3 - 6 months because you sensed that any more frequent contact would harm you. Instead of 'phoning every week as you're now attempting, could you limit your phone calls to once every 6 weeks?

Has your Mum got any other supportive, sensible friends or contacts who'd let you know about anything affecting her that you need to know? Has she got a "cleaner" who's really a carer, for example?

 

[Delphie]

Hi bydesign.

I understand what you're saying, though my own situation isn't identical. What happened to me was sexual abuse at the hands of my stepfather, my mum's second husband. She wasn't involved in any way, I hasten to add, but knew about it. I went to her for help, straight out told her what was happening, and the absolute best she could come up with was "Well you know what he's like." Yes, I knew. Even though I was a child (I was about 7 when they got married and it started almost immediately). I don't know what their sexual relationship was like and if what she said was her way of letting me know that she too was being abused in some way, but the bottom line was and remains that she was an adult and I was little. She should have protected me.

I left home as soon as I could, at 16, and had years of next to no contact with them. She stayed with him until he died. I then had my sons and with my husband's help managed something resembling a normal relationship with her. She adored my boys and was a fantastic grandmother to them, and I wanted them to have that in their life.

Sadly, dementia wasn't far behind and it arrived in our lives with increasingly odd behaviours from my mum, and when the time came to look it square in the eye I too wondered how much I could do for her, especially as her odd behaviours often morphed into verbal abuse, directed mostly at me (eventually at my boys too, but without the kind of history I had to manage, they were probably much better at the 'it's the dementia talking' bit).

Anyway, to be perfectly honest, to begin with I did far too much and took too much abuse. My health started to suffer. I was extremely stressed, my blood pressure was getting dangerously high, I developed insomnia and I was drinking way too much. All of this crept up on me but after a while something changed and lines in the sand started to be firmly drawn. I stopped tolerating the abuse and even if I'd just driven to her house with essential shopping, if she started on me I'd leave. If she called with some hysterical accusations the phone would go down and wouldn't be answered again that day.

The end result of this was a threat of section due to her self neglect. She wouldn't accept the carers I tried to arrange for her, and wouldn't allow me to help her most of the time either. I was met with a impenetrable wall of denial. So rather than have her sectioned I found a really good care home and conned her into going on 'holiday'.

Looking back on it all now I think I did too much and the impact on me was too great. I've managed to resolve my health issues now but it took a long time, a lot of effort and the support of my sons and husband.

On the other hand, being a good mum has always been extremely important to me (we can all guess why!) and leading by example is my way of doing things so not abandoning my mother, my sons' beloved grandmother, was my way of showing them how a good person should behave. I suppose I could have found the words to tell them about what happened to me and to say hey, she was no mother to me so why should I be a daughter to her, but it felt better and in some ways easier to get on with it and to do what I could.

So I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I understand the emotions and obligations we feel, and how uncomfortable it is when we try to go against them, but that we can also set our own parameters and not allow dementia through them. These can be anything, from not tolerating abuse, to setting a number of calls we'll take in a day, how often we visit, the type of practical tasks we're prepared to do. Anything really. Anything that will protect us from being sucked into that black hole.

I've often wondered if it's easier or harder to have a much loved parent succumb to dementia, rather than to have all this baggage thrown into the mix as well. I haven't settled on an answer yet!

I feel for you, I really do. Please look after yourself and set those limits and stick to them. The next bit is going to sound really hard, but even if you sacrifice your own health and relationship to this situation, and however much you do, nothing will be enough and nothing will change the fact that your mum is going to get more and more ill and need more and more care.

And even those with a clean bill of mental health, going into the carer role with nothing but love in their hearts often need to give up and hand the care onto others. What chance have we to do any better?

 

[HillyBilly]

Fantastic post Delphie x

 

[JohnBG]

How are you today ?

I am in a similar situation have looked after my stepmother for 18 months I have come to the end of my own limit. That transition from viewed symptoms to a known diagnosis will take time you know your mother best. On the first visit from SS they suggested POA from experience they know the speed of that decline, they were right it protects her plus all the things she worked hard all her life for.

As an estranged relationship it is challenging to then be the sole carer, a move permanent care home placement is on the cards.

Go to your doctor tell them your issue, your mum would not want you to be ill you cannot do everything so be kind to yourself and get some professional support and that team to support you all.

Take care. John.

 

[Delphie]

Fantastic post Delphie x

Thank you. It's hard to find the right words but good to try.

 

[carrieboo]

This is such a brave and interesting thread, I have taken comfort from some very wise words.

My experience is fairly benign compared to some of you but I believe my mother has some sort of narcissistic personality disorder compounded by a lifelong dependence on alcohol. My wonderful, kind and compassionate father kept a lid on her behaviour but since he died 2 years ago she has become more 'herself'.

I am an only child, two of my children are still at home. I have done my best to care for mum but she has become more and more difficult. She has a diagnosis of MCI but is adamant there is nothing wrong with her. She is argumentative and stubborn but can also be extremely needy 'do you love me? you do love me? I love you...' self pitying and attention seeking.

She has always been mean spirited, jealous of other people's happiness and success (including, maybe especially, her own family) and has a history of imagined slights and long periods of estrangement from friends and family.

A week ago she made a nasty accusation about my 13 year old daughter. Probably a lie or at least a misunderstanding; some years ago anyway. I'm finding it impossible to forgive her, have seen her once to give her some shopping but have stopped daily phone calls. My husband and friends say I should ignore it because she's an old woman with dementia but I've lived with her nastiness for over 50 years and am finding it difficult to unpick the illness from the person.

I feel as if she's sucking the joy out of my life, I feel trapped by duty and responsibility and fear for my own mental health. Reading these posts has helped me to think about how to navigate a way through this.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello carroieboo

Reading these posts has helped me to think about how to navigate a way through this.

That`s good.

Please do not risk your own mental health for anyone, not just your mother. Do what you can for your mother, what feels right for you, and get professionals to do the rest. I know it sounds easier said than done but it can be managed.

I was lucky to be in full time employment when my mother was in the throes of dementia so I had to get professionals in but I hope I`d have had the strength to do the same even if I wasn`t working.

My mother went to day care and we attended to her mornings and evenings. We only lived a 5 minute drive away so were able to check on her before and after work. I did her shopping at the weekend and took her washing for a service wash. Before the time she went into residential care we took her a plated up evening meal, the same as we were having.

The phone calls were a nuisance I admit but they couldn`t be helped. The time came when she was unable to phone and that was even more worrying.

My mother hated me because I had reported her driving to the DVLA and they asked her to return her licence. I didn`t tell her I`d reported her but she knew. She said if she had a gun she would kill me.

On the other hand , once when she was hospitalised with shingles and we went to visit she said `You keep finding me don`t you.`

Everyone needs to address the role of unwilling carer with the best compromise possible for their individual situation. It can be done.

 

[bydesign]

Thank you so much. This is so helpful and I have been wondering about starting to talk to SS. I have already been in touch to set up the meals service, so have a contact point.

I have had difficulty with the doctors - they are SO oversubscribed down near London where my mum lives - even booking an appointment is some kind of feat. Mum has had the memory test having organised for her to see the doctor for checkup after a fall last year. But she told me they said she "passed". Not so sure. If I can find out more, that would be good - I have had problems before wrt my dad and it's so hard to get access to information, without feeling like I'm wrong to be be asking…

I am printing out the whole thread here as it is very very helpful to me - makes me feel less alone and there are some gold nuggets of advice. I have a handful of friends who are going / have gone through the dementia thing with parents and spouses, but they either seem to have a closeness that I can't call upon, or else they are totally estranged - I have been feeling a bit of an oddity… I don't feel that any more.

I can see how each person is dealing with stuff so specific to their parental relationships with all the the rights and wrongs and tragic unintentionals of life. I feel that at least I am from a generation where "talking" is much more acceptable than those from the war generation. I hope, post Savile, we might grow up a bit. A horrific silence surrounds and protects abuse - so hard to heal without calling it out. I've always felt lucky not to have come from a background of abuse growing up - but maybe beginning to see that abuse does not just apply to crossing the line in violent or sexual ways (though the effect of these forms of abuse can be devastating - as for my mum and for a few friends). Maybe the worst thing is having the pain unacknowledged. I feel this happened to my mum. I will not let it happen to me. Thanks. All.

 

[olivia1]

Father with PTSD

Bydesign, I read your post and I can relate to your story. First of all my Dad (have just realised this very recently after speaking to a friend who's a trained psychologist) has PTSD. I am not in the same position as some who have been through abuse on a regular basis.My Dad was abused as a boy by his Father - I really don't know anything about my Dad's family, he never speaks about it. But, i know it happened to him and not to his brother (who died over 30years ago ) It was physical with my Dad, uncontrollable rage, drinking a lot of whisky. He attacked my Mum, my brother and me - but he was clever about it (if you can be) it didn't happen often and growing up my Mum sheltered us children from him. I feel amazed at her for doing that - some would say (like my brother ) why didn't she leave him -.things were different back in the 60s (i think) people didn't divorce. She told me she thought about it but .. she didn't. And if she had i wouldn't have been born. So. This is heading somewhere eventually... my Mum has had dementia for the last ten years - it has been a very slow decline and I can't work that out. I was scared that dad was bullying her so relentlessly (no violence - i do not think, but verbal - however i don't know) that she was scared into not doing things wrong. She was always so paranoid about making mistakes (it melted my heart), Well, there was a horrible incident (those times have occurred from time to time - not often -. But more times than in a normal happy home) The times when you feel as if you are in hell. And there's no way out. I could go to bed (this still happens now sometimes when i visit) and i would wake up in the morning and it was as though hell had frozen over and the sun was out and nothing had happened the day before. That's the best scenario. So, my Dad fell ill while I was away and when I got back Mum was in a home (respite) and Dad was in hospital. SS took control, my cousin had POA for Mum and he was a saviour - because we would have had a family breakdown over this. My cousin's aunt had had dementia and he knew about CHs and what to do. I felt helpless, at the SS meeting I barely spoke - Mum had been badly neglected and showed signs of malnourishment. I did not know what was going on in the house when I wasn't there. I chose to believe that he was taking the high road. ....But I had my doubts. She is in the best place now she's in a very good CH and she's being properly looked after. She is a trooper. The reason why i could relate to bydesign is i have never had a good relationship with my Dad and over the years I have had my problems - depression, self-medicating, neither me nor my brother trust easily and neither of us have married and don't have kids - something I've always wanted and i know my brother would too . I've had counselling just while i was back living at home for a while. . I have a handle on things now i don't self-medicate any longer, i barely drink, I'm getting healthy again, i can feel it. I know what it feels like because Mum shielded us from my Dad for many years. We had no idea until we were in our 20s. When i think back my Dad used to make jokes about joke violent acts towards mum, which i never understood. And I've since heard him saying things about women (to an ex-boyfriend i had)which explain how he thinks. He is a monster but he hides it/conceals it so much, he is a Jekyl and Hyde persona. Very demanding of my time but as I say i don't mind helping him because during his better moments he has definitely helped me . I do love both my parents very much. Like bydesign - i feel sorry for him but it doesn't take away from the offence he causes
Lastweek because he's on his own now, he said i could live back at the house. This totally depends on where i find work. I'm looking for work nearer home so I can visit Mum more often so in a way the house would make a lot of sense, i would be nearer Mum and the CH which would be great from her. But - my mental health?
I have been reading the posts here with attention :
Carrieboo
She has always been mean spirited, jealous of other people's happiness and success (including, maybe especially, her own family)
This is exactly what my Dad's like.

So now I'm in the same position as bydesign. But can't believe I'm considering going back to live at home. It's because it'll suit him,I'll do the cleaning and some cooking and just be around because he feels alone. He has his good points but keeping a house warm isn't one of them. So the Winter would be impossible. And - he is quite healthy - but old and one day I'll leave again and the pressure would be huge on me to stay. So. I think i wont go back home. So sorry to go on - but it's on my mind - i cant sleep sometimes and i wanted to let you know bydesign, you are not alone - as you know now of course - i am very happy to find this site and to find that I'm not alone either. I do feel like that a lot and feelings of failure that flood through me regularly but things are not so bad and there are many things to feel happy about.
My heart just sinks when i leave Mum in the home (less so than it did when she was at home actually) because i wont see her for 2 weeks - but the weekends i go i visit every day. And all i can think about is -she's free. Find ally, she doesn't have to out up with his overbearing personality all the time.
Sorry for writing such a lot but ... it all connects
What i have taken from this thread is - to keep your boundaries - you know how much you can handle . I fortunately have a brother on the end of a phone (in Australia - how much further could he have got? Always think oldest child gets the worst of it) and he gives good advice and he'll tell me not to move home.
And, like bydesign, you know what you can handle - don't be controlled by this - this is your life too. Make arrangements to prove that you care which you do but stick to your guns. Don't start damaging your own life. I am very aware this is an important time for me and i want to be very careful what happens now.
You should feel that too.

 

[SarahL]

Hello, I saw your post and although I haven't read all the responses, I wanted to send you empathy for your past and for what you've been through with your parents. I had an abusive childhood too (Mum left due to mental health issues when I was 8), father prevented me from seeing her, then scapegoated me for wanting a relationship with her....too much of a long and painful story to go into but includes broken attachments, loss, manipulation and lack of secure foundations to make my way in life... I have always had a co-dependent relationship (unconsciously until a few years ago) with my Mum and I have been on the Alzheimer's journey with her. It has been extremely abusive and taken up many many years of my life - I'm sorry this is sounding very much about me but what I'm trying to say is please do not shoulder all of this yourself, your mental health is of paramount importance and your life and happiness is of high value - I learned from experience, gave too much and nearly went under (only saved by the fact that I am a determined and resilient person) but I would not do it again. The abuse from the disease has been the worst thing I have ever experienced - neighbours turned against me, threats, my time, lack of support... I can't go into it all but I'm nearly 50 now and owe it to myself to take on less and to be there for my daughter and self. All the very best.

 

[Kikki21]

I don't have the best relationship with my mum either, she has never been supportive of me, constantly critical, never really praised me & I am an only child. So now I am also bearing the dementia burden & it is hard work. No one prepares you for this, they don't teach you in school that one day you will have elderly parents & they might develop dementia.

I'm self employed so I have the pressure of trying to earn my own living. I separated from my husband last year, I was very depressed before & was still very depressed after the split & my mum's dementia was part of that depression as I wasn't really well enough in myself to deal with her illness as well so looking after YOU is absolutely vital!

Although, I am a lot better now in myself, dealing with her dementia is still a process for me. I live quite close by but I limit contact with her. I had to block her phone number calling me because she would be calling me incessantly over nothing at all and then all my focus & motivation goes completely out of the window.

I'm sure the rest of her family wouldn't understand this at all and be completely horrified by this approach but it works for me. She gets nasty and verbally abusive either on the phone or in person so again, I limit contact because it doesn't do me any good.

I am trying to do my duty and the best for her I guess as remotely as I can. She has a team of carers that look after her 3 times a day but she is also abusive to them, so I know it's not just me & no one deserves that sort of behaviour.

I saw her for a few hours on Mother's Day and cooked a meal for her at her home, she was kicking up a fuss because she said she was hungry and when was dinner coming, like she had regressed to a 5 year old! I had had enough of her by that point. The other week when I saw her, she made a huge fuss over coming over for Easter Sunday but no plans have even been made for that so i told her that but she still wasn't happy at that answer.

All she keeps saying is that she is lonely, however she refuses point blank to go to day care, or to even go out. She has alienated a lot of family and friends over her aggressive behaviour over the years. She has spread gossip which got back to her family abroad which resulted in her niece/goddaughter basically cutting her off.

She wants someone to live wth her but no one will and even if she paid someone to do so, it would cost an absolute fortune which she would not accept. The social worker says that nowadays, they prefer people to live in their own home for as long as they can but I fear that with 2 falls in 3 months & worsening health in general that the time may come for her to go to a care home.

Again the answer is look after yourself first!

 

[olivia1]

These are difficult situations - i can see people are in turmoil. SarahL it makes a lot of sense - and I understand what you said. Thank you for sending your comments - I think it's not worth your own sanity to go into a situation you know you would never escape getting hurt (emotionally). I think well done for what you did and what you're still doing. Many things are tough in life but once they're over they make you stronger. This circle of life is odd but i suppose enjoy

 

[olivia1]

...the moments you get that are good, same to Kikki21
Yes, the thing i read about the 5 year old is true, they do become very childlike with Alzheimer's and dementia. It's frustrating when you are being shouted at - not particularly nice for anyone. The carers included, I've heard people in the CH being quite nasty. A CH might be the only option left