Absolutely worn out .... Mum in care home

[SnowWhite]

Mums been in a care home since December and I honestly thought my life might be easier but problems and stress just go on and on.

Mostly she's happy but she gets "off" days and I find them very hard. I have POA and am trying to deal with her stuff as best I can. I seem to be making phone calls, reading up on stuff, visiting her most days, trying to cheer her up, worrying about her care home fees which she is funding herself but the money has gone down rapidly. Trying to make her see that selling her house just has to be done etc etc.

I have her here some Sundays for the day, I went up yesterday and took her out for a walk in the sunshine in a wheelchair and I try and sort out any problems she mentions at the Care home.

I feel I have to tread very carefully there as I don't want to upset them because, in the main her care is very good. She's paying £650 a week but she says they only give her small amounts of food and she often feels hungry. I tactfully told them that for her age she has a very good appetite and they said they would give her more. She is supposed to eat fruit every day to keep everything in working order and I told them this but she says often she doesn't get fruit. I reminded them of this and they said "you can always bring in fruit and she can have a fruit bowl in her room" but part of me feels, if she's paying all that surely they can give her a daily banana or peach!

I am so exhausted with everything that there doesn't seem to be any time left for me to relax.

 

[Bod]

Hi
Remember that POA gives you the ability to sell the house if needs be. Clearly this will have to happen at some stage. Don't discuss this with her, it will only upset you both.
You don't need to visit everyday, you both need days off!
At the beginning of care, there is a great deal to do, usually by the family, to wind up the PWD's former home, getting all the jobs done seems never ending. One day it's all done.
The fruit, would she remember eating it?
An apple at lunch time, may not be recognised, if she's used to a peach at bedtime.
Judging the quality of the care, is difficult, is she clean, not losing weight(unless she needs to!) dressed properly, is the home clean, and fresh?
Does the cooking smell nice?
The stress does ease.
Been there, got the tee shirt.

Bod

 

[looviloo]

I found my dad's move into care exhausting too :-/. We'd got into a kind of routine while he was living in his own home, but then came a crisis and he moved into his care home via the hospital. Like your mum, he's self-funding and I took responsibility for the finances, selling of house etc. At first I was visiting every day, and felt compelled to do this... even though it was a 2 hour round trip. I was tired & drained and (looking back) don't know how I did it!

But it did settle down, little by little, and a new routine has been established. Dad is less reliant on me and has adjusted to his new home so he moans less (the moaning was mostly about the things he missed).

Hopefully this will happen with your mum too, over time. It's so hard, especially for the first few months.

Can you incorporate the fruit into your visits? It does seem irritating that the care home can't provide it themselves, but I've found that care homes have their own routines and sometimes they request help from visitors and relatives (similar situations have happened for me). These sorts of things will get ironed out over time.

Do remember to take care of yourself in all of this - miss a visit if you are too tired for instance - your mum is safe and looked after and you deserve to be good to yourself too!

 

[Penmon79]

It might be worth visiting during a mealtime to see for yourself what the food and portions are like. Some carehomes will provide meals for visitors which of course you pay for.
Just a thought.

 

[Amy in the US]

I will write more later, but wanted to offer sympathy and support. I, too, have been and done and have the t-shirt, and it's not easy.

My mother's version of what happens in the care home bears little to no resemblance to what actually happens. I would observe for yourself (especially out of her sight), and on the days you don't visit (you need some time to do other things!), do phone the staff for a chat and an update. You may be pleasantly surprised by what you hear.

Best wishes.

 

[Nut]

Hi there Snowhite, as with others above, I can not only understand what you are going through, but also repeat what others have said. The PoA stuff IS a pain - there is a lot of work to gradually work through everything and tick it all off. I made myself deal with one thing at a time so I didn't get overwhelmed. Then, tick that off & onto the next one. My Mum's been in a care home since beginning of October and I too thought it would all get easier but nope! Actually, hand on heart it IS easier because I am not doing 200 mile round trips, ordering meals, trying to work out if I need to go again to take her to the GP, fielding muddled anxious calls, getting calls from the care agency saying she had sent them away, finding days in the care notes when no-one had even turned up. So, less anxiety - I know she is safe and warm and well even if a little bored.
I do ask the staff and Mum is fine nearly all the time. I pop in sometimes and wish I hadn't as I interrupt some good contact she is having with other residents.
Someone pointed out to me that the people in the care home become and are her new family. However much we visit they are there with her for the majority of the time, they become her support and care network and that just needs time to sort and settle. That helped me.
Mum has finally stopped asking to go home, but does still get anxious in the evenings.

With ref to,the meals and fruit thing I think the idea of having a meal with your Mum is a good one. You will get an insight into how big the meals are and whether there is fruit around. I did that once and it was helpful to,see just how much Mum ate and also I saw how hard the staff work.

Don't discuss selling the house- if it has to be done it has to be done. If she asks to go home just fib, tell a love lie, choose kindness and say yes of course you can at the weekend. She will forget! We still haven't emptied my Mum's house yet. I find it just horrible and stressful and Mum is lucky enough to have savings that mean we aren't under pressure to sell immediately.

You are allowed days off!! I find I can relax more easily if I give myself time off and I am away from the home as I then feel under pressure to catch up with all the other stuff that has been neglected.

My husband and I are determined to make things easier for our children when we hit our 70s - declutter, move some where small and manageable, face reality and get help, sign PoAs, make advance decisions. We just don't want our children going through the amount of stress and heartache my brother and I have been/are going through.

Sorry, gone off topic. Wittering stream of consciousness! Best go. Wishing you all the best. It does get better!


Sent from my iPad using Talking Point

 

[JohnBG]

Take care U.

We are the same the notion the fact you have POA may mean that she does not understand, selling her house may benefit her although she does not understand. Do what helps you, some. CH may not give care as you would like, even a reasonable request.

It may be time to step back, she is safe would not want you to be ill.

Have a chat make your concerns known, she will be ok. The pace should be slowing not getting faster.

Take care. John.

 

[SnowWhite]

Thank you all SO much. You are all very kind and understanding and just what I need. EVen more so today as things have got worse.

She is complaining about so much today that we both ended up in tears but the staff were very understanding and have promised that everything will be dealt with and all staff made aware.

I have been several times as her lunch is being handed out and they have upped her portions and it's usually home cooked and hot and looks nice. Today's lunch was homemade chicken pie, two scoops of mash and green beans. I have to say she has always had a very healthy appetite and used to be a good cook so she loves her grub!!

Tomorrow I am meeting my brother there and we are going to have a serious talk. We either have to put her house on the market OR if she says she wants to go back home then she will have to have carers three times a day at least, she will have less company, she will not see me as often and she will still be alone for hours on end. If she has a serious fall then that's that! I feel absolutely drained, exhausted, miserable and useless.

I honestly don't know what else I can do.

 

[Raggedrobin]

You are doing absolutely everything you can. I found the first part of putting my mother into a care home awful, she didn't settle to begin with and I was forever on the phone about this and that. It is terribly wearing, you have my sympathy.

However I wonder if there are other things going on here. Whether the food really is okay but she is just finding subtle ways to protest because she doesn't like being there? however going back to having lots of carers at home has its own problems. Someone has to manage the carers, there isn't anyone there all the time and so on. My own experience is a care home at least sorts all that out. Also the problem is, what do you do later on, when she may be less able? Then you would have to sort out a care home all over again.

Re the food, as part of her dementia my mother developed a voracious appetite for a while but many elderly people eat very little. Providing the care home is listening to your concerns that she is hungry and are trying to adjust food accordingly, that seems fair. i would also make sure that she has lottle extras such as a nice tin of biscuits within reach so she has something if she suddenly wants it. Some care homes will buy and charge you for extras that the person requires, but I think it is easier to just take stuff in.

Re the fruit issue, my mother ate loads of fruit before she went into care and they would provide fruit, but not in a way she could cope with. So for example they would give her a whole pear if she asked for fruit and she would have no idea what to do with it, as she was used to having it peeled and cut into pieces. I found this frustrating and I would take in things like seedless grapes, strawberries or blueberries that were easy to eat for her. Like you I slightly resented that this was an extra that I had to paid for but I did notice later that their desserts were often mainly made out of fruit, so they did provide it, albeit often in a cooked form.

I think the thing about care homes is it takes them a while to get it right and it will take time for her to settle. I would check the care home on the care quality commission website just to see if food or other issues you are having have been flagged up. If so, it may be that the care home isn't quite as good as it should be. Also talk to the manager, always the manager I reckon, about her dietary needs, so that request goes down from the top. Good care homes should be able to cater to each individual's dietary needs to an extent.

This is a hard time but once all these problems are ironed out life does become considerably easier all round. Stay strong.

 

[Bod]

Thank you all SO much. You are all very kind and understanding and just what I need. EVen more so today as things have got worse.

She is complaining about so much today that we both ended up in tears but the staff were very understanding and have promised that everything will be dealt with and all staff made aware.

I have been several times as her lunch is being handed out and they have upped her portions and it's usually home cooked and hot and looks nice. Today's lunch was homemade chicken pie, two scoops of mash and green beans. I have to say she has always had a very healthy appetite and used to be a good cook so she loves her grub!!

Tomorrow I am meeting my brother there and we are going to have a serious talk. We either have to put her house on the market OR if she says she wants to go back home then she will have to have carers three times a day at least, she will have less company, she will not see me as often and she will still be alone for hours on end. If she has a serious fall then that's that! I feel absolutely drained, exhausted, miserable and useless.

I honestly don't know what else I can do.

It might seem strange to you, but she's settled well, to move her now, would lead her to greater confusion.
I'd bet next months wages, on her being asked if she'd like to go home, she'll say "yes".
However what's in her best interest?
That as PoA is is your decision. Speak to your brother, but unless he's prepared, and able, to take on the full time caring role, indefinitely...
Could mother's finances run the house?
Will she have to pay for care at home?
Is she safe to be alone?
Can she cope with giving you all the post, to ensure bills are paid?

Being in a Care Home really does have advantages, laundry done, cooking done, housework done, bills paid, and company, all day everyday.

Yes selling the house is painful, but it will be done at some stage.


Bod

 

[Marcelle123]

I am also in this position. My mother is in a care home after being assessed in hospital as needing 24 hour care. We have an offer on her house, and have spent three months gradually clearing it - lots in the bin, lots to our house, lots to the tip, lots to charity shops, and lots taken away by the council. You find all sorts of surprises and it is upsetting, all the memories that come back. Today I signed the contract as Mum's enduring power of attorney & I am hoping that contracts will soon be exchanged. All the same, I felt very emotional, seeing Mum's name on the papers & still feel very sad. I'm hoping that I will feel better before too long, as Bod suggests.

Mum has bad days in the Care Home, and to start with showed some worrying aggression, but she is beginning to settle and many of the visits that I pay are now 'good days' where she seems more content. I am so relieved that she is now safe. I don't think the 'four carers a day' routine would have been safe for her as she'd have been alone all night and was still very mobile but with no awareness of risk. So I still worry, but really I have less to worry about.

I also began by visiting my mother every day but then the tiredness lowered my resistance & I fell ill & couldn't visit for a week. I also came to see that it wasn't helping my mother, going in every day: she needed time to settle. I now go in four times a week, and when I go in after a gap, it's usually better. Sometimes, when I arrive in the afternoon, she's taking a nap, usually in someone else's bed - she is 96 & gets very tired & then heads for the nearest bedroom; but mostly she is sitting with the other residents having a chat these days.

I hope you are able to settle Mum down in her care home and fund it through the sale of her house, as I'm trying to do. I have never once mentioned the sale, though my sister once showed Mum the particulars (heaven knows why) - but she didn't seem to recognise the photos of her former home.

But anyway, whatever you decide, good luck & best wishes.

 

[Amy in the US]

Hello again, SnowWhite. I said I'd come back and write more when I was at my computer, so here I am.

I wanted to say, first of all, that it sounds like you are doing a great job. I think a lot of us caring for our PWDs (persons with dementia) often feel like we don't do a good job, or that we could do better, or that we are doing things wrong, or even that we are bad people/daughters/sons/partners/carers. I know that when someone tells me what a good job I'm doing, or how much I care about my mother, or any similar compliment or kind statement, I often have a negative reaction, or feel I don't believe them, because I don't feel that way deep down inside. (That part is slowly getting better, but it's still difficult.)

So I understand if you don't believe me, either, but please let me say that you're clearly working very hard to ensure your mother has the care she needs.

Nut already summed up some of the other things I was going to tell you. I also had a 200 mile round trip drive every time I went to see my mother, before she moved into the care home near me, and it wore me out. I was tired for months after the move, physically and emotionally. I think this is common.

Nut also mentioned something else I wanted to say, about you discussing selling your mother's house with her. Don't do it. I know it seems awful and like you are lying and being a bad person, but the dementia doesn't do any favors in terms of being able to have a rational and logical decision. I know you know that, I'm just reminding you.

You will only spend a lot of time and energy and angst if you try to get your mother to "agree" or "see sense." You may upset or distress her, and there is no point in that. Just skip the conversations and do what has to be done.

The same goes for a decision about if she stays in a care home or moves back home. I know that a PWD can have capacity, or fluctuating capacity, but she is really not the best person to make a measured, reasoned decision about what is best for her both in the short and long term, taking into consideration all the moving parts and relevant information. Any PWD will say they want to go "home" rather than be in a hospital, or care home, or any other setting. A lot of PWDs who are in their current home of residence, also want to go "home." Home isn't always where they currently live: it could be a childhood home, a former house, or just a place where they feel safe and not confused.

I have to tell you that I never regretted moving my mother into her care home, except that I wish I'd done it years sooner. She could not cope at home, and she was miserable, and she was unsafe. She needs 24/7 company to not feel anxious and upset and her anxiety was crippling and horrifying to watch. I'm not saying that is true for everyone with dementia, of course, and don't know what your mum's needs are.

You know her best, and are best placed to make a decision in her best interests. This is a hard responsibility to have. (I personally find it an overwhelming responsibility at times; I never asked for this job.)

You do have to ask yourself, about wherever she is going to live:

-will she be safe?
-will her needs (toileting, hygiene, nutrition, sleep, medication, supervision, company, stimulation, routine, other medical conditions requiring care) be met?
-will she be able to continue to be safe and have her needs met as they increase and change?
-is it possible she could be content?

Please note that I don't ask, will she be happy? My mother will tell you she wants to go home to her own home because there is nothing wrong with her, she can look after herself, and she would be happy at home. That is the dementia talking and none of those things are true. She couldn't cope at home two or three or four years ago and now that her Alzheimer's has progressed, she certainly couldn't cope now. One of the awful things about this disease is that it's progressive: things will never be better than they are right now.

I'm sorry, that's all terribly depressing.

My last point is to gently encourage you to step back from the visiting a little, whether that's frequency, duration, or both. You need time to do other things, and you have to look after yourself, however you can manage to do that.

I also want to commiserate on the PoA and paperwork and administrative stuff. I often feel overwhelmed by all the responsibility and things to be done. I also often feel that this is the worst part of my job; I don't know that it's true, but it's certainly how I feel. I am very sorry to hear that you feel the same way, but assure you that you are not alone in feeling like that.

I can well understand you feeling drained, exhausted, miserable and useless. I won't argue about the first three, but would like to suggest that you are not useless, or you wouldn't be here, looking for help and advice, and clearly doing everything you can to look after your mum.

Please look after yourself in any way you can (easy to say, difficult to do) and please hang in there.

Sending best wishes to you.

 

[SnowWhite]

You are doing absolutely everything you can. I found the first part of putting my mother into a care home awful, she didn't settle to begin with and I was forever on the phone about this and that. It is terribly wearing, you have my sympathy.

However I wonder if there are other things going on here. Whether the food really is okay but she is just finding subtle ways to protest because she doesn't like being there? however going back to having lots of carers at home has its own problems. Someone has to manage the carers, there isn't anyone there all the time and so on. My own experience is a care home at least sorts all that out. Also the problem is, what do you do later on, when she may be less able? Then you would have to sort out a care home all over again.

Re the food, as part of her dementia my mother developed a voracious appetite for a while but many elderly people eat very little. Providing the care home is listening to your concerns that she is hungry and are trying to adjust food accordingly, that seems fair. i would also make sure that she has lottle extras such as a nice tin of biscuits within reach so she has something if she suddenly wants it. Some care homes will buy and charge you for extras that the person requires, but I think it is easier to just take stuff in.

Re the fruit issue, my mother ate loads of fruit before she went into care and they would provide fruit, but not in a way she could cope with. So for example they would give her a whole pear if she asked for fruit and she would have no idea what to do with it, as she was used to having it peeled and cut into pieces. I found this frustrating and I would take in things like seedless grapes, strawberries or blueberries that were easy to eat for her. Like you I slightly resented that this was an extra that I had to paid for but I did notice later that their desserts were often mainly made out of fruit, so they did provide it, albeit often in a cooked form.

I think the thing about care homes is it takes them a while to get it right and it will take time for her to settle. I would check the care home on the care quality commission website just to see if food or other issues you are having have been flagged up. If so, it may be that the care home isn't quite as good as it should be. Also talk to the manager, always the manager I reckon, about her dietary needs, so that request goes down from the top. Good care homes should be able to cater to each individual's dietary needs to an extent.

This is a hard time but once all these problems are ironed out life does become considerably easier all round. Stay strong.

Funnily enough Mum's care home was inspected about 6 weeks ago and I was with her when an Inspector asked her if she would mind answering some questions. She told them the food was lovely ... in fact so lovely that when it was her favourite meal like shepherds pie, she could eat a second helping. The inspector told her that she should always ask for more and not to go hungry!

 

[Rosnpton]

Absolutely worn out..mum in care home

Hi Snow White
As many others have already answered , your mum will have good and bad days. At least in the ch there will be several people around at all times, both other residents,and staff. At home, what happens between care visits? Would she be safe and would you feel she was safe?
My mum complains about everything and anything,but always has been hard to please.We were told to vary visiting a little for her, but make it the same day. This is not for the staff but for her as she is better with routine. She has a large week to view a5 diary, and family out their name against the next date they will be going. Not a time just a 'before lunch' or 'after tea'. She understands this minor concept of time easier. Re food. We were told they were starving her not feeding her etc etc. We take small treats- a favourite yoghurt,or a couple of cakes ,small box of grapes etc. We also ring the home at random times to check on her. If she is in a good place mentally- and this is not that often,to be honest- they take the phone to her for a chat.
Hope she settles soon
Thinking of you

Ros

Mums been in a care home since December and I honestly thought my life might be easier but problems and stress just go on and on.

Mostly she's happy but she gets "off" days and I find them very hard. I have POA and am trying to deal with her stuff as best I can. I seem to be making phone calls, reading up on stuff, visiting her most days, trying to cheer her up, worrying about her care home fees which she is funding herself but the money has gone down rapidly. Trying to make her see that selling her house just has to be done etc etc.

I have her here some Sundays for the day, I went up yesterday and took her out for a walk in the sunshine in a wheelchair and I try and sort out any problems she mentions at the Care home.

I feel I have to tread very carefully there as I don't want to upset them because, in the main her care is very good. She's paying £650 a week but she says they only give her small amounts of food and she often feels hungry. I tactfully told them that for her age she has a very good appetite and they said they would give her more. She is supposed to eat fruit every day to keep everything in working order and I told them this but she says often she doesn't get fruit. I reminded them of this and they said "you can always bring in fruit and she can have a fruit bowl in her room" but part of me feels, if she's paying all that surely they can give her a daily banana or peach!

I am so exhausted with everything that there doesn't seem to be any time left for me to relax.

 

[Linbrusco]

My Mum has been in care since July 2016.
I have heard everything from, the food is wonderful, the carers are lovely, they take good care of you, shes had a great day, theres lots to do, etc
to she hasn't had anything to eat or drink, the carers are mean, they ignore you, theres nothing to do, and also the carers get drunk every night and have parties !

Between my sister, brother and I we now vary our days and times visiting.
We used to visit more often in the beginning, but soon realised, that Mum couldnt remember from one day to the next if we didn't visit, that she was in safe hands, and if she was having a bad day, it wasnt doing us any good seeing and fretting, which visiting more often gave Mum less chance to settle.


My sister used to say that she never saw them eat any fruit, but then I have seen the carers come round with peeled fruit, or a small bowl of fruit salad, plus there is always some kind of fruit pudding at lunch. They also get given twice a day, a glass of kiwifruit juice ( good natural laxative) and a glass of slightly watered cranberry juice.

My brother would say, that apart from their once weekly mini van outing, that Mum was locked in... but didnt realise that twice a day the carers took them for a 20mn walk around the gardens.

We only ever take in some chocolates and mints for Mum, and put them in a container in Mums bottom drawer.
The one time we did take fruit, it was all gone 2 days later, whether Mum had given some out, or other residents wandered into her room I dont know.

I can only begin to imagine the difficulty in selling your Mums house, but in order to make it less stressful for you, this is where the love lies need to come in. ((hugs))