Feelin apprehensive

[Gnasher]

Finally the time is approaching for my husband to see an elderly person's psychiatrist and hopefully get a diagnosis. However I am dreading next weeks appointment. He is complete denial and I know he will not tell them the truth. I have known he has had problems for more than eight years but is getting progressively worse.

According to him there is nothing wrong. It is my fault, as I do tell him things, can't explain things properly, etc. I know if I attempt to tell them the real extent of his problems he will get very angry with me and despite the fact he forgets most things he will not forget that. We have just got back from another hospital appointment which was his 6 month check following throat cancer and radiotherapy 4 years ago. His consultant asked if he had had any problems with his teeth and because I told him about an abscess and tooth extraction which led to sepsis late last year my husband went mad at me.

I almost feel I want to cancel next weeks appointment because I feel it will achieve very little. My children feel we must go because of the stress and strain of my dealing with my husband.

Any advice would be appreciated


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[Canadian Joanne]

What about writing down all of your concerns and problems, including the fact that your husband's reactions when you give information is so angry. I would get this to the doctor ahead of time. Perhaps it could be emailed a few days ahead of time? I would also drop a physical copy at the office, just to make sure the information is received.

When my mother was at the specialist (there was nothing wrong with her, it was everyone else), I would push my chair back so I could shake my head or nod and she wouldn't see me. Would that be a possibility?

 

[Gnasher]

Yes I have already written everything down. I will contact the hospital to find out about emailing prior to appointment. Thank you.


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[Shedrech]

hi Gnasher
good thoughts from Canadian Joanne
and to reassure you, I found the Consultant for Elderly Care we saw for my dad was very clued up on all the issues around what was and wasn't said in appointments and had ways of getting info from us both that didn't cause upset - he picked up signs and signals from dad that others were 'blissfully' unaware of; I guess he's seen most things many times - he also gave out info in very sensible ways, so I knew exactly what he was telling ME but dad wasn't worried by his wording - I hope the consultant you meet is as sympathetic and knowledgeable
sometimes with dad, I'd say to him, not the consultant, eg 'dad, might it be worth mentioning ...' or some prompt which gave the info away but seemed to give dad the control - would this help?
best wishes

 

[Raggedrobin]

Hi Gnasher, yes I think sending written details before the appointment is a very good idea. Also take a copy with you, you know how it is, sometimes these things get lost in the system.
It is a difficult time when someone doesn't understand the illness, which is of course part of the illness for many. I think you will be surprised to find that finally getting a proper diagnosis and being in the system as it were will be very helpful. Good luck with it, I think it will be fine. Perhaps you will come back and tell us how it went?

 

[Lawson58]

OH's geriatrician was very good at handling situations like this. I guess he had plenty of practice.

At the time that OH was supposed to be getting his diagnosis, things between us were pretty awful and he decided about two hours before the appointment that he didn't want me anywhere near the place when he had to see the consultant.

I phoned them and explained the situation and they arranged for me to go in and see the doctor on my own. OH was very hostile when he arrived and saw me there but they sorted him out and did it all with care and respect. OH thinks of the geriatrician now as a friend and chats away quite happily with him and his staff.

Now the doctor gives me the opportunity to have a chat with him while OH is doing his memory tests so I go prepared with a few things written down so it all works very well.

 

[timmo]

Hi Gnasher


I would guess that your situation isn't unique, there are many people who don't wish to (or perhaps can't?) acknowledge the onset of the inevitable. This is exactly where my mum is at the moment. My dad gets a broadside for many things such as reminding, prompting, instructing or guiding. There is a lot of aggression (verbal only thankfully) that roils up out of nowhere for no reason and it has dragged him down. But.

We've found as doctors have got involved, appointments have been scheduled, tests have been conducted she has become less obstinate. We still get the 'i'm okay' and 'i'm not going' routine but there is no physical resistance and it has all ended with compliance. She is gradually becoming accepting of facts and is more and more aware of her limitations. It's not easy and it's not pleasant but as someone famous once said

'If you're going through hell keep going'

It does seem to be making the difference, don't give up. It's the only way to get the help

 

[LadyA]

Gnasher, my husband was so very hostile to me saying anything at all to the consultant, that the consultant quickly picked up on his, frankly, threatening attitude to me if the doctor so much as glanced in my direction. I used to always keep a sort of diary of my husband's progression/deterioration and any behaviour issues or anything relevant, like reactions to medications, sleep patterns etc. and send it to him a few days before appointments. I also had to make sure they knew that any appointments he had, they had to let me know too, as if he received the letter without me seeing it, he would just destroy or hide it. So, they would tell me at the end of one appointment when the next one was.

At each appointment, the consultant would always see us separately. Sometimes, he would get a nurse to take William out and ask him a few mundane questions outside, or weigh him, or something, to distract him for a few minutes. Actually, the consultant said he preferred to see clients alone, as he found he got a better picture of the situation that way, as a person with dementia can be very good at picking up non verbal communication signals from a loved one. He found that with their main carer in the room, people did better on tests etc. than they did if they were alone in the room, because they can pick up from your expression and body language whether they are getting something right or wrong, and adjust their answers accordingly if they aren't sure. Which is another reason for, if you are in the room with the doctor together, moving your chair back out of your husband's line of sight!

 

[Gnasher]

Thank you for all your advice. I have spoken to the doctors secretary today who was very understanding of my concerns and she has agreed that I should email all of my concerns prior to the appointment which I am in the process of doing. My goodness until you write it down you do not realise how ad things really are. Anyway hopefully we may be able to get some help after the consultation.


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[LadyA]

That's another reason for keeping some sort of diary or log, Gnasher. As things progress over time, it can become just part of our normality. We make almost unconscious adjustments to our own behaviour in order to continue coping, and then we don't really notice, until something major forces it to our attention, how bad things have become.

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