My Dad passed away in December. Mum has Alzeimers diagnosed November. She is still living at home. Every time I visit ie every other day she asjs me when dad died, when was funeral and she sobs and sobs. I am seeking help to help her better. She is in denial about her condition and I am findingvery hard to know what to dofor the best.
Mum cant cope with Dads passing
- Thread starter Daisy98
- Start date
So sorry to hear you are having to cope with this. I can't offer any advice - But sending you a virtual hug across the world
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Welcome to the boards, Kim. That is very difficult. She may need some sort of anti-depressant/tranquiliser type of medication.They don't all work for people with dementia but maybe you could suggest you both go to the GP and have a chat about it. If she isn't up for that, maybe talk to her GP on your own just to flag up that she is experiencing so much distress. Also make sure you are looking after yourself, being faced with that day after day will be taking a toll on you.
It must be terribly hard for you to witness this when you must have your own grief about losing your Dad and then in a sense being in the slow process if losing her, too. Whenever you think she is close to mentioning him, try to distract her with something.
she is obviously in the throws or a thought cycle about it that she can't get out of. Eventually perhaps she will mainly forget. With my mother if she asks where my (dead) father is, I just say, 'oh, saw him this morning but he's gone out'. Some sort of 'love lie' to prevent her reliving grief.
It must be terribly hard for you to witness this when you must have your own grief about losing your Dad and then in a sense being in the slow process if losing her, too. Whenever you think she is close to mentioning him, try to distract her with something.
she is obviously in the throws or a thought cycle about it that she can't get out of. Eventually perhaps she will mainly forget. With my mother if she asks where my (dead) father is, I just say, 'oh, saw him this morning but he's gone out'. Some sort of 'love lie' to prevent her reliving grief.
Thanks so much for your support. Do you think I should hide the copy of Dads memorial service from the sideboard as this always seems to trigger upset.
Thank you for hugsSo sorry to hear you are having to cope with this. I can't offer any advice - But sending you a virtual hug across the world
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Hi Kim so sorry for your loss of your father. His loss will still be quite raw for both your Mum and you too. My own mother displayed her first confirmed signs of dementia just prior to when we lost my Dad. They had both lived with me prior to his passing so I witnessed first hand how it affected my Mother. She grieved deeply and tearfully following his passing and it is so difficult to see this, however it is perfectly normal too. I think your removing the funeral service card is a good idea as it will be a constant reminder to her sadly. Like dementia, grief also affects us all differently, but there are recognisable stages or steps that we all progress through. Unfortunately some of the steps can be exaggerated by an AD sufferer and vicariously for their carer. It may be worth your while taking a look online to know what to expect and how to prepare for it. There is lots of info out there but here is just one link for you:
http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html
Mum & I progressed through the stages and came out the other side and I send you all best wishes that your Mum & you can do the same. In the meantime maybe a few hours at a daycare centre or a volunteer sitter could be of help to distract her for a short period, or even let her talk it through with someone who wasn't directly involved in the loss, this can be a comfort too. xx
I would remove the memorial card but if she then develops anxiety about losing it, let her have it, she may find it comforting. Thinking of you both, so hard for you.
Hi
We are going through the same with our Mum - just a couple of months later than you - and I've just posted asking for advice/insights before I found your post. We (my siblings and I - 6 of us in total) feel it's not right to lie to her when she asks where Dad is (some people advise "love lies") and it's hard to distract her when she phones to ask where he is or if he has died. One of my sisters is seeing the GP tomorrow and we hope he may have some advice. I'll let you know. In the meantime I'm sorry I can do nothing more but send you my good wishes.
We are going through the same with our Mum - just a couple of months later than you - and I've just posted asking for advice/insights before I found your post. We (my siblings and I - 6 of us in total) feel it's not right to lie to her when she asks where Dad is (some people advise "love lies") and it's hard to distract her when she phones to ask where he is or if he has died. One of my sisters is seeing the GP tomorrow and we hope he may have some advice. I'll let you know. In the meantime I'm sorry I can do nothing more but send you my good wishes.
Do acknowledge her grief
You are the person best placed to judge at what stage your mother is at. Grief is different for everybody.
I am not sure that removing the funeral card is necessarily a good idea. Lots of old ladies carry things like this with them permanently. An older life with less distractions will probably find grief harder than someone who is in the middle of life and maybe has children around.
My father does have the order of service for my mother's funeral up in his bedroom. We did make the point of writing out lots of things in full in the order of service so he could refer to them.
Perhaps you can sooth the crying with hand massage, nice face cream. Be proactive about identifying the date of his death ...six months ago, two years ago, so she can set it in context and not think it was yesterday..for this reason I might be more positive about keeping the order of service out. Above all change takes much much longer to bed in with dementia. Things I could cope with in a couple of weeks took months for my dad to adapt to.
Is there anything 'good' you can mention about his death ..was it a blessing, was it peaceful? My Dad was so sad because he could not remember the details. Should you write a note of these for her to have.
It is in the nature of life to expect our parents to die before us and as such your grief will probably not be as intense as your mothers .. and that is how it should be. I mull over the details of my baby daughters death very frequently and that is not unusual, although most of my tears are private. Be positive that she can remember your father, build memories of the good times.. perhaps write them down in a book now because in time she will forget these and the book will be the only record. I hope this helps none of this is intended as criticism. Its just that this is how it can be and often those in the western world are ill equipped to deal with it.
My dad despite dementia that is now pretty bad is able to remember the good times and to appreciate the care that the family gives him. I hope this will happen for your family too.
You are the person best placed to judge at what stage your mother is at. Grief is different for everybody.
I am not sure that removing the funeral card is necessarily a good idea. Lots of old ladies carry things like this with them permanently. An older life with less distractions will probably find grief harder than someone who is in the middle of life and maybe has children around.
My father does have the order of service for my mother's funeral up in his bedroom. We did make the point of writing out lots of things in full in the order of service so he could refer to them.
Perhaps you can sooth the crying with hand massage, nice face cream. Be proactive about identifying the date of his death ...six months ago, two years ago, so she can set it in context and not think it was yesterday..for this reason I might be more positive about keeping the order of service out. Above all change takes much much longer to bed in with dementia. Things I could cope with in a couple of weeks took months for my dad to adapt to.
Is there anything 'good' you can mention about his death ..was it a blessing, was it peaceful? My Dad was so sad because he could not remember the details. Should you write a note of these for her to have.
It is in the nature of life to expect our parents to die before us and as such your grief will probably not be as intense as your mothers .. and that is how it should be. I mull over the details of my baby daughters death very frequently and that is not unusual, although most of my tears are private. Be positive that she can remember your father, build memories of the good times.. perhaps write them down in a book now because in time she will forget these and the book will be the only record. I hope this helps none of this is intended as criticism. Its just that this is how it can be and often those in the western world are ill equipped to deal with it.
My dad despite dementia that is now pretty bad is able to remember the good times and to appreciate the care that the family gives him. I hope this will happen for your family too.
