My sister has threatened me over Power of Attorney

[MrsTerryN]

I did a general yearly summary. Basically for me and her brothers if they wanted to sight it for mum. I also did so if anyone asked I could also show why mum did not have to lodgea tax return and the appropriate tax rules.
It sounds fiddly but after the 1st year it was a lot easier.
I didn't "nickel and dime " but did put down various big ticket items
I feel for you as I think it must be a terrible situation to be in.
I hope it sorts out for you

Sent from my SM-A800IZ using Tapatalk

 

[Moog]

Hello, I have been a member on here for a long while as my poor Mum has Alzheimer's. It's been a very long and abusive journey so far which I have dealt with alone although Mum is in care now.

I just wondered if anyone out there has been threatened by family members for having LPA - my situation is my younger sister has threatened to report me to the Office of the Public Guardian if I don't share all the details of Mum's finances, house sale etc with her. I am the only LPA.

I have taken legal advice and offered her a solicitor's letter directly to clarify everything but she has not got back to me. She has now contacted my daughter who she wants to take out for lunch on Saturday after she visits my Mum. I have said to my daughter of course she can go as it's her choice (she's 17) but inside I feel very sad, angry and upset at my sister who presents to the outside world as lovely but underneath has threatened me and caused me anxiety. She spent no time with my Mum either, seeing her about once a year and never helped once with the illness.

Sorry to offload I just feel very sad.

Any advice or a virtual hug would be a lovely support.

Hi Sarah,

*big hugs*

Funny how the "Invisibles" won't help but also want input.

My sister (an Invisible) and I have been LPA - joint and severally- meaning we can operate independently or together.

Interestingly, she's not remotely interested in actually using it at all. That would mean doing something LOL.

I keep a spreadsheet of all outgoings on Mum's account with details of how much spent, payee, invoice number, date. It's there if my siblings want it but they never ask.

It's another task on top of day-to-day care chores and other errands, plus running my own house/life.

Effectively your sister has no right to know details of your Mum's finances. You're acting as your Mum now so it's the same as your sister demanding knowledge of your own finances. No - its private.

It has nothing to do with the Will or any beneficiaries of it. At point of death, the LPA stops and then the Will kicks in.

Let her complain to the OPG - but let her do it alone. She can waste her own time as doing so will unleash plenty of correspondence from them. For HER to deal with.

Moog x

 

[Georgina63]

Hi Sarah,

*big hugs*

Funny how the "Invisibles" won't help but also want input.

My sister (an Invisible) and I have been LPA - joint and severally- meaning we can operate independently or together.

Interestingly, she's not remotely interested in actually using it at all. That would mean doing something LOL.


Moog x

Hi Moog, your reply jumped out at me. I could have written it! You hit the nail on the head - won't help, not interested in using the LPA but wants input (generally not of the helpful variety!). Brought a smile, although sometimes it doesn't feel remotely funny Gx

 

[Moog]

Hi Moog, your reply jumped out at me. I could have written it! You hit the nail on the head - won't help, not interested in using the LPA but wants input (generally not of the helpful variety!). Brought a smile, although sometimes it doesn't feel remotely funny Gx

Awwwww glad it raised a smile. Everyone on this forum needs those to help us get by ☺️. Bet you get lots of advice - "Just saw XYZ, might be worth looking into." Which means ME doing something extra.... Never any suggestion of her doing it...

She'll tell me about an EXTRA dementia club I could take Mum to, or things she's read that I could mention to the GP - often about a one-off experiment in mice that might yield a cure. LOL. "Take a look when you get a moment". Haha. OK, I'll bend Time and the Laws of Physics., [emoji1]

Moog x

 

[Georgina63]

Awwwww glad it raised a smile. Everyone on this forum needs those to help us get by ☺️. Bet you get lots of advice - "Just saw XYZ, might be worth looking into." Which means ME doing something extra.... Never any suggestion of her doing it...

She'll tell me about an EXTRA dementia club I could take Mum to, or things she's read that I could mention to the GP - often about a one-off experiment in mice that might yield a cure. LOL. "Take a look when you get a moment". Haha. OK, I'll bend Time and the Laws of Physics., [emoji1]

Moog x

Let me know how you get on with that . In the meantime I'll have to stick to the proverbial broom.......Gx

 

[Lettice]

Hello, I have been a member on here for a long while as my poor Mum has Alzheimer's. It's been a very long and abusive journey so far which I have dealt with alone although Mum is in care now.

I just wondered if anyone out there has been threatened by family members for having LPA - my situation is my younger sister has threatened to report me to the Office of the Public Guardian if I don't share all the details of Mum's finances, house sale etc with her. I am the only LPA.

I have taken legal advice and offered her a solicitor's letter directly to clarify everything but she has not got back to me. She has now contacted my daughter who she wants to take out for lunch on Saturday after she visits my Mum. I have said to my daughter of course she can go as it's her choice (she's 17) but inside I feel very sad, angry and upset at my sister who presents to the outside world as lovely but underneath has threatened me and caused me anxiety. She spent no time with my Mum either, seeing her about once a year and never helped once with the illness.

Sorry to offload I just feel very sad.

Any advice or a virtual hug would be a lovely support.

Your Mum chose you as her attorney and not your sister. Your Mum obviously trusted you to manage her affairs. Although you are understandably upset by your sister's behaviour you should not let her threats distract you. Your duty is to your Mum, not your sister. Stand firm and stay strong

 

[SarahL]

Thanks everyone. I am definitely going to stand firm as it's not their business what's happening with Mum's finances and it makes me feel stronger hearing your stories (although sorry to hear there are so many similar stories out there too).

I totally agree that they won't want their time impinged upon with paperwork if they did decide to report me to the OPG. It has caused me a lot of anxiety and upset which has made me feel quite ill though. As seems so common here, they did nothing for Mum, chose not to see her more than once a year and never helped with her illness. I feel a bit stronger now through being on here together with the fact that they have not responded to me asking them if they would like a letter directly from the solicitor to clarify matters. Also, through my work, I went to a dementia workshop and had a chat with a person from the Carers Trust. She told me that if they did decide to take things further that the authorities always look favourably on the person who has been the main carer.

I am feeling pretty low right now as my daughter is out with the sister who threatened me but I am going to take myself out for a walk to try and feel a bit brighter. It upsets me so much as she is sitting with my daughter, having a fun time, looking good, sitting in a pub etc but the reality is behind the scenes she has been mean-spirited and threatened me. I will keep strong, thanks again everyone, I have turned to so many wonderful people on here over the years and it helps. xx

 

[oilovlam]

It's difficult to keep calm when 'the invisibles' start demanding things. Even harder if there were to be any inheritance and they are first in the queue, demanding their 'fair' share. If there is any money left come the end then I will find it hard to hold my tongue....I may point out that without me everything would have been paid out in care fees (it still might).

It is hard to see things clearly as a carer sometimes. Emotions can blow things out of proportion. Almost impossible to forgive and forget. I hope I'm not storing up a load of resentment for the future.....but I know I am.

 

[WFD]

Hugs

Hello, I have been a member on here for a long while as my poor Mum has Alzheimer's. It's been a very long and abusive journey so far which I have dealt with alone although Mum is in care now.

I just wondered if anyone out there has been threatened by family members for having LPA - my situation is my younger sister has threatened to report me to the Office of the Public Guardian if I don't share all the details of Mum's finances, house sale etc with her. I am the only LPA.

I have taken legal advice and offered her a solicitor's letter directly to clarify everything but she has not got back to me. She has now contacted my daughter who she wants to take out for lunch on Saturday after she visits my Mum. I have said to my daughter of course she can go as it's her choice (she's 17) but inside I feel very sad, angry and upset at my sister who presents to the outside world as lovely but underneath has threatened me and caused me anxiety. She spent no time with my Mum either, seeing her about once a year and never helped once with the illness.

Sorry to offload I just feel very sad.

Any advice or a virtual hug would be a lovely support.

I don't have any advice but I can give you a huge virtual hug

 

[nicoise]

I have often found out that those who are untrusting of others are so because they themselves have a history of acting in an underhand manner, and thus think all people behave like themselves...

I don't know if that might be the case with your siblings, or whether they have just panicked because you have all the financial control, and they do not, and perhaps have had their feelings of mistrust triggered by something they have heard or read about, or someone else has stirred them up.

It seems you may well have called their bluff by offering the solicitor's response, but it would be as well to ensure your records are up to date to be ready if called upon.

Just what you don't need when you are dealing with everything else!

 

[Moog]

As my parent's attorney (LPA for both finance and health), the agreement to act as they would have, as though they were making the decisions themselves. They are both very private people and would never have shared their finances with anyone. So, I feel privileged to have my parent's trust, and am honour-bound to handle their privacy as they would. Out of respect for them, I guard their finance information fiercely and will only divulge to officials if/when it is essential for the benefit of my parents.

Also, I only spend their money on things which will keep them, safe, happy and healthy - e.g. not frivolous flash-in-the pan suggestions from Invisibles.

 

[SarahL]

As my parent's attorney (LPA for both finance and health), the agreement to act as they would have, as though they were making the decisions themselves. They are both very private people and would never have shared their finances with anyone. So, I feel privileged to have my parent's trust, and am honour-bound to handle their privacy as they would. Out of respect for them, I guard their finance information fiercely and will only divulge to officials if/when it is essential for the benefit of my parents.

Also, I only spend their money on things which will keep them, safe, happy and healthy - e.g. not frivolous flash-in-the pan suggestions from Invisibles.

Moog I feel that same sense of privacy - my mother was intensely private and never shared her private information with anyone other than myself. That is why I will not divulge her finances to my sisters, particularly under threat and, if that 'ups the ante', then so be it. They have no right to know anything about her accounts and investments and I have no duty to share any information with them. Thank you for your response and I agree that we only act in the best interests of our parents and spend money on what is for the benefit of them. I feel so upset on my mother's behalf as my sisters' interests obviously only lie in her money - as they chose to have no relationship with her and they also chose to leave all the caring, accessing services, appointments, house upkeep and so on, to me (which seems to be such a common denominator on here). x

 

[min88cat]

I could write a book about the written accusations that my husband suffered at the hands of his siblings and their offspring. Their comments made me feel physically sick. They too never visited, had no interest in their mother, her care, wellbeing, or how she was coping day to day as my husband and I did it all. They weren't interested when the LPA was granted to him although they were both told about it. After her death though, they crawled out of the woodwork, accusing him of all sorts of unmentionable underhand dealings. As a previous poster has said, it makes you wonder what they have been up to themselves to even contemplate that he could have done these awful things.

Walk with your head held high, ignore them and continue what you have been doing so well for your mum so far. Incidentally I've heard the OPG don't take very kindly to people who accuse Attorneys of fraudulent activity without proof.

 

[oilovlam]

Sarah, you must be a very strong person. I think family conflict is one of the worst experiences. Things from a lifetime ago can get dredged up, it can be very traumatic and from people who should care for and support you. But I guess life isn't like that.

All the best

 

[JohnBG]

Look after yourself.

If she is not on the POA then nothing she can do just stamp her feet like a petulant child, many people think if give you right to doing anything, that is not true you are the responsibility of her well being plus finance is part of that, once more that one person making those decisions is unnecessary pressure, your sister should grow up...

Not many people want to do the caring only gain from what they want......It is upsetting she should not put that pressure on you. It is your decision to be transparent or write a letter saying how challenging this situation is for you plus you wouldike some support.

Take care You...You and I know you will do your very best, as we all do in caring for your dear mother in her hour of need, good luck to you.

John.

 

[Emsquared]

Lots of empathy re sibling nonsense. My brother is very bullying, resentful and a control freak to boot (Caring is not his thing but wanting to criticise, dig and control very much is) and it's the worst part of the whole situation so I can well put myself in your shoes. For some, the inner resentful child can soon come to the surface, seemingly.
On stronger days I try to see the behaviour as evidence that they are insecure and the behaviour arises out of their desperate need to assert their perceived place in an imagined heirachy and they are judging others by their own standards (but I also over think things and they might just be natural born awkward ******s).
Stay strong.

 

[Jessbow]

Id pick my battles.
Your sister can ask for any thing she chooses to ask for-

she's asked for bank statements- if you know you are dealing with her finances correctly and have nothing to hide, give them to her.


Its really only when your sister comes back to you with a request to ,for instance , borrow half a million quid that your POA kicks in, No, that isn't in Mums best interest and as her attorney I am saying no


She was pull the figures apart as she likes, if what you have used mums money for is genuinely in mums best interests, you have no reason to fear, If she kick off, you then refer her to a solicitor or to the OPG.

 

[Moog]

I'd pick my battles.
Your sister can ask for any thing she chooses to ask for- she's asked for bank statements- if you know you are dealing with her finances correctly and have nothing to hide, give them to her

Have to say, I'd disagree there and feel very strongly about this.

One is dealing with their parent's affairs based on a) how they would act were they still in control and b) in accordance with their wishes.

I'm not sure how sharing this information is in their best interests or how it assists on their care.

I might under extreme pressure (possibly even waiting until legally required) be happy to show all outgoings if the accusation was that money was being misdirected or embezzled, but certainly not the balance of what's left to nosey siblings who have an interest in the inheritance.

And I would qualify that the expenditure was not up for debate with non attorneys.

Being a POA is a unique position of responsibility requiring extra thought on what you disclose.

Guard their privacy as they would. Dementia sufferers are vulnerable and need someone protecting their best interests once unable to run their own lives.

Just keep good records and a clear conscience.

All the best,

Moog x

 

[Pear trees]

if all your mum's finances are in order and you have receipts etc documented give her copies of bank statements and let her try to find fault!
My brother keeps asking for 'loans' from mum which I refuse and tell him it is illegal due to POA rules. The money is hers will all go to pay for her care.

 

[oilovlam]

if all your mum's finances are in order and you have receipts etc documented give her copies of bank statements and let her try to find fault!
My brother keeps asking for 'loans' from mum which I refuse and tell him it is illegal due to POA rules. The money is hers will all go to pay for her care.

I think Sarah believes that she is being bullied by her sibling and probably doesn't want to give into a bully.....quite understandably.