Why won't other family members help

[Ladytuck]

Hi
My husband and I are moving father tomorrow from residential care home to nursing home as he almost bedridden. He has two sons. My husband and I see him every day and are left to make all arrangements for his care. I need to say that we are honoured and happy to do this as we love him. What I can't understand is that my brother in law and his wife have no interest whatsoever is the decision making. They haven't seen him in 3 months even when he had two visits to hospital. He is 94 and going downhill. My husband phones them to update regularly but they never phone to ask. We run our own business together and my brother in law is semi retired. His wife has never worked, however their excuse is always 'we are very busy'. They only live 15 minutes drive away from care home like us. The awful thing is that I feel it would have been better if my husband was an only child as we would just get on with it, however as he has a brother and sister in law, I can't help getting angry that they don't help. My father in law is a wonderful man and I don't understand why they don't care

 

[legolover]

Are there specific things that you and your husband feel you need help with from his brother, or is it more the general appearance of lack of interest that annoys you?

If the former, and your husband feels the same, you could ask them for specific help with a specific task.

But if the latter, there could be all kinds of reasons for their lesser involvement, and its not really helpful for you to judge them.
We can all only do what we feel is right ourselves. Dad is in a safe place and being cared for which is the most important thing

 

[canary]

Im sorry to say that it is very common for other members of the family to not take any interest and leave it all to one particular family member. My mum has been a care home for 3 years now and in that time my brother has been to visit her once. Even when she got pneumonia and everyone thought she would not survive (actually she did) I told all the family and my children went to visit their granny, but my brother did not. Such absentee family is know on here as "invisibles"

 

[Ladytuck]

Thank you both for replying. In answer to 'legolover', it's the latter that angers me. Both my mother and father in law have been ill for 3 years. My mother in law sadly passed away this time last year. My husband and I have dealt with all their hospital appointments etc on our own. We were always told 'we are too busy'. They are completely indifferent and that's my issue


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[Raggedrobin]

Hello, yes I am afraid to say this kind of situation is surprisingly common. I am so sorry. However over time I have found one just has to try to leave the subject alone otherwise you will wind yourself up something rotten thinking about it, but nothing will change.

I have a sibling who hasn't visited my mother for 3 years now. I have had to learn to accept it, although I will never fully understand it. My theory is be the better person and rise above wasting energy on it.

 

[theunknown]

When a tragedy happens we all react in our individual ways. To me, a person succumbing to dementia is a tragedy to those close to that person. How we act after that is down to the individual personality. I wouldn't expect everybody to respond in the same way.

 

[Ladytuck]

At this moment in time I still feel there is no excuse for not being there for our father. Even just to show interest in how he is would go a long way. Both families have children of our own and I believe what they see us doing to help and care for our parents could be a major influence on how they either embrace when it could be our turn to have their help or they also could be indifferent


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[Rageddy Anne]

I agree that what their children see might come back and bite them one day. Seems to me that some people simply find the whole thing so painful that they mentally try to shut it out. It takes some effort to do everything for the aged parents, and sometimes we do have to brace ourselves...perhaps not everyone can manage that...So sad, and very sad for you and your husband.

 

[Chemmy]

Did they have much to do with each other before your husband's parents fell ill?

 

[Pickles53]

I have a brother and a sister. When my mum needed help as dementia took hold, they were not at all proactive although at least they didn't argue or criticise any decision that I made. They did help a bit with specific tasks if asked and when prompted they did come to see her in the care home not long before she'd died. It felt very lonely at times and I would have liked not to carry all the responsibility myself. But it is what it is, and I have come to believe that we can only do what we feel is right and not worry about anyone else. They have to live with the consequences of their choices; you and your husband know that you have done your best.

 

[Linbrusco]

In my experience, its usually one of three things...

Some people just don't deal with illness fullstop (no matter what the relationship)
Out of sight, out of mind
I don't need this inconvenience in my life, let someone else deal with it

They can give you all the excuses under the sun, but its usually the three above

I had this when my husband was diagnosed with a brain tumour and was going through radiotherapy & chemotherapy. Our immediate family was of great help, but extended family & some friends we never heard of for almost 2yrs, until his treatment finished.
Even a phone call would have been welcome.
The people you least expected help from was amazing, from my sisters in laws, to my daughters Kindergarten teachers, and my sons school.

When my Mum was diagnosed with Alzheimers, her own 3 sisters & 3 brothers rarely visited or even contacted me to see how Mum was. For a while I was emailing or txtng Mums sisters to let them know how she was but then I gave up.
Since Mum has been in care now 8 months, two brothers have made their token visit, and will probably never visit again, one sister has not visited at all, one brother overseas has not rung or emailed to see how Mum is, and two other sisters visit every 6 weeks or so... out of guilt? Who knows? When Mum was still at home they would go 6months without visiting and only lived 20mns away by car. Now her Care home is 40mns by car.

At times I have gotten quite angry over the whole thing, but at the end of the day its a wasted emotion. When time comes, we have decided on a private funeral for Mum.
Cant be bothered with all the relations and their crocodile tears and false promises if theres anything they can do.

 

[Rageddy Anne]

After my husband's Alzheimer's became obvious so that it needed to be explained, I would mention it lightly in a hand written message in Christmas cards, always saying he would love to see them here if they were in the area. Very few bothered to come, and that was when he most needed them. After he went into a Care Home, one or two made some effort, but by then he was having difficulty recognising people or remembering anything from their shared past.

This Christmas I wanted to write " don't bother, it's too late!"

 

[LynneMcV]

I think that sometimes when people are doing a good job at something (like you and your husband) it is sometimes easy for others to sit back and let things carry on as they are - sometimes through indifference and sometimes through not wanting to throw a spanner in the works and be seen as interfering where not wanted

For instance, in earlier years (pre dementia), my husband would leave me to get on and do just about everything. However, after a bit I learnt that if I outlined specific things that needed doing he would bend over backwards to get things done.

My brother is the same, he is happy in his own little bubble while everything goes on around him but the moment I ask specific help for something he is there like a shot.

Maybe it is time for your husband to approach his brother and, in a friendly way, discuss exactly what needs doing and how he can help and generally be involved?

Maybe your husband has always been the one out of the two of them to lead the way and his brother has just fallen into the rut of quiet observer without even thinking about it? Maybe he feels useless and is just waiting for direction.

There are those that lead and those that follow - it's often just a question of working out who does what.

 

[meme]

why not voice some of your true feelings to them?? what is there to lose..?

 

[Witzend]

From so many posts on here, while this can be so hard to understand, I don't think it's at all uncommon.

But perhaps it's not as bad as 'invisibles' who pop up once in a blue moon and tell the full time carers they are doing everything wrong.

Or else ditto who are 'too busy' to do any caring at all, but then object violently when the main carer can't cope any more and is talking care homes.
'You can't! What about our inheritance??' Though this is more often worded as, 'I don't know how you can be so selfish as to want to put the poor old thing in a nasty care home,' - or words to that effect.

 

[Bod]

Hi
My husband and I are moving father tomorrow from residential care home to nursing home as he almost bedridden. He has two sons. My husband and I see him every day and are left to make all arrangements for his care. I need to say that we are honoured and happy to do this as we love him. What I can't understand is that my brother in law and his wife have no interest whatsoever is the decision making. They haven't seen him in 3 months even when he had two visits to hospital. He is 94 and going downhill. My husband phones them to update regularly but they never phone to ask. We run our own business together and my brother in law is semi retired. His wife has never worked, however their excuse is always 'we are very busy'. They only live 15 minutes drive away from care home like us. The awful thing is that I feel it would have been better if my husband was an only child as we would just get on with it, however as he has a brother and sister in law, I can't help getting angry that they don't help. My father in law is a wonderful man and I don't understand why they don't care

Be very thankful they do not "interfere" or are down right hostile to your efforts.
That is much more difficult to deal with.
You may not like or understand their mindset, at least it's not harming FiL's care.

Bod

 

[Raggedrobin]

I have just been thinking of one plus side. My mother had an old friend, long since dead, whose daughters kept in touch with my Mum. When they found out Mum was in a care home with dementia, they travelled some distance to see her and have consistently come over since.

My sister has been a visiting refusnik and these two women have been a huge help. They have also become firm friends with me and now I see them sometimes without Mum when I need to get out and have a chat.

My point is, life throws strange things at us. My sister became an invisible but I now have the support of these two women, who have almost become like replacement sisters for me.

They also told me that they first visited my Mum because when their Mum was in a care home, the only person who visited apart from them was my Mum. So perhaps Mum reaped what she sowed. sometimes I think we have to create our own 'famiies' when our own don't support us,

 

[Ladytuck]

Once again I need to thank you all for your responses. Each one of them has made me ponder and try to take all advice into consideration. What I really appreciate is that each one of you have positive advice. I would like to give you all the next phase to think about and offer opinion.
Today my hubby and I moved dad into new nursing care home. To be fair it went really well and he seems really settled. We are delighted with this and the new carers are fantastic. Now here comes my complaint, even though we phoned other family members this morning to let them know dad was moving ( we have updated them every step of the way), not one of them have phoned to see how it all went. This evening my hubby asked me to message them to say all went well. The only response we got was 'that's great'. They have not even asked for new care home address or phone number. This is my issue. They just don't care. That is what makes me angry


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[Rageddy Anne]

It's heartbreaking isn't it? Unless they have first hand experience of dementia they will have NO IDEA what it's like, for the unfortunate victim and the people who find themselves trying to cope. Far more education of the public is needed, but with so many other demands on the public purse I can't see that ever being a priority.

 

[Rageddy Anne]

From so many posts on here, while this can be so hard to understand, I don't think it's at all uncommon.

But perhaps it's not as bad as 'invisibles' who pop up once in a blue moon and tell the full time carers they are doing everything wrong.

Or else ditto who are 'too busy' to do any caring at all, but then object violently when the main carer can't cope any more and is talking care homes.
'You can't! What about our inheritance??' Though this is more often worded as, 'I don't know how you can be so selfish as to want to put the poor old thing in a nasty care home,' - or words to that effect.

I had a friend who had no invested interest in any inheritance, but who scolded me repeatedly for letting my husband go to that terrible place, telling me SHE could never have done such a thing. She visited him a few times, for which I was very grateful, but eventually she stopped, and told me not to mention him at all, as it was causing HER too much stress, knowing what it was like for him. At no time did she appear to think what it was like for me.