Sharing sadness - I got angry today....

[lesley1958]

Dad's carer who normally gets him up and dressed wasnt able to go in today. I went to help my 85 year old mum get him up. The carer usually washes at least a bit of him (an area per day!) - and he yells at her! - but no way could we manage that. He got so angry when we were trying to help him take his jammy jacket off and put his shirt on, and screamed at us. I had to wrestle his clean vest on. And I got angry and upset with him in return and what good is that? It's not his fault; he doesn't understand what we are trying to do or that we are trying to help him and is probably afraid. Afraid of me, his daughter. He calmed down afterwards and we got him dressed but I have felt sick all day; not least because i had to go back to work and leave my mum to face the rest of the day. As usual.

My poor poor dad. And my poor brave mum. I feel less than useless to her tonight.

Just wanted to let off some steam and sadness to an understanding audience....thanks xx

 

[canary]

Im sorry that happened, but I think that we have all lost our cool at some time or another. The frustration gets us all down.
I hope you are feeling better now that you have got that off your chest.

 

[AlsoConfused]

So sorry ...

Remember that ad about heart disease showing the journey to a local post box being up a very steep mountain? It seems to me that "coping" with dementia is very like that. You never wanted to be a mountaineer but the Himalayas are surrounding you

 

[lesley1958]

Im sorry that happened, but I think that we have all lost our cool at some time or another. The frustration gets us all down.
I hope you are feeling better now that you have got that off your chest.

Thank you Canary. A bit x

 

[lesley1958]

So sorry ...

Remember that ad about heart disease showing the journey to a local post box being up a very steep mountain? It seems to me that "coping" with dementia is very like that. You never wanted to be a mountaineer but the Himalayas are surrounding you

Thank you. How very apt.....

 

[marionq]

Lesley, I think I'm a pretty damned good carer but if I could get through a week without losing my cool I would be thrilled. This is a test. Every day. It pushes us to the limits of what we can manage, what we can tolerate. On the whole my husband is one of the easier people but it is no piece of cake.

You are trying hard to help. You are all struggling. Cut yourself some slack and be more forgiving of yourself. Not one of us here is a saint.

Good wishes.

 

[Philbo]

Yup

I think we've probably all been there on a regular basis?

I'm very lucky that for the most part, my wife is always happy and laughing. I often find myself getting short with her, usually when she doesn't understand verbal instructions and won't do as I've asked. I think I get cross, out of shear frustration (and exhaustion?), especially late at night when trying to get her to get ready for bed etc.
Many times, I've ended up in tears, regretting that I've acted in this way!

I read an article in the Mail last year sometime. It was by a lovely lady whose husband has AZ and she described herself as getting "carer rage". It was a very compassionate article and highlighted the need to cut yourself some slack.

Best wishes.
Phil

 

[lesley1958]

Thanks marionq and philbo. I tell my mum that she needs to cut herself some slack but I find it very hard to take my own advice! I think I have got myself a bit run down and tired, have not felt well for a few days. Our carer is great but she has had a few health problems herself recently and I get so worried about what we will do if the carer and I are both ill at the same time!