How can I persuade my proud Mum to get a cleaner?

[Anne0405]

My Mum is a very proud 89 year old going slowly downhill with Alzheimers. She is physically fit and doesn't take any medication. We had to stop the Donepezil as she couldn't remember to take it. She needs medication for a fungal infection on her face but doesn't remember to put it on. She lives on her own in a village and copes very well, walking to the local shop almost every day for a few things. I get meat and vegetables for her and she does manage to cook a joint of meat and then has it cold for however long it lasts. She always used to be very fastidious but now the housework isn't getting done even though she thinks she does it. The bath looks as though it hasn't been cleaned for months. She wears the same clothes every day and won't let me buy any new ones. I don't know when she last had any new underwear or any other clothes for that matter. She doesn't seem to be washing her hair and I don't know if she is bathing although she doesn't smell and appears clean. I don't know if she is changing her sheets and her towels are threadbear but she won't let me buy any new ones. I understand that having Alzheimers means she can't cope with anything new but I am finding caring for her so difficult and wake up every morning worrying. I live about 20 minutes drive away I go an see her once a week but she won't let me do anything in the house. Conversation dries up after half an hour as she hasn't done anything and wouldn't remember if she had. She watches TV most of the day but doesn't remember what she watched.
Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can get Mum to accept help? I want her to stay independent and she would have a better chance of doing so if she would accept help but she just won't.

 

[marionq]

If her memory is very poor then if you buy towels the same colour and just replace them in the bathroom she won't even notice. The same goes for undies and clothes. Put fresh ones in her drawer and take the others away without her seeing.

As far as cleaning the bath goes then next time you go to the toilet take some cleaner with you and get stuck in. It might take you a few goes but you'll get on top of it eventually.

 

[Essie]

Hi Anne, welcome to TP. I was thinking the same as marion actually - could you 'do' whilst you visit? As Mum is still able to mobilise safely she could 'help', even if she isn't really doing much it would be nice to spend time together without the pressure of conversation making (on both sides probably). Whilst keeping it fairly casual 'Oh, I'll just pop a wash on whilst I'm here Mum' it's amazing what you can get through and Mum might even enjoy a bit of old fashioned 'Mum and daughter' domesticity, hopefully!

If that's not what you are after and you would prefer to have other people popping in on her, perhaps more than just the once a week, you could try various tactics depending on why Mum is saying No to help currently.

If she objects on the grounds of cost you could say that everybody over 85 now gets a bit help in the home, you could say the GP has requested it for her and it would be rude to say no (people of your Mum's generation often feel they should do something if the GP has decreed it..) you could say it's just for a six week trial period - that obvs then never ends... you could say the 'carer' (and lots of people find another word there really helps, volunteer/companion/cleaner) is a trainee so Mum is helping her/him by 'training' them......

Basically be inventive with whatever you think Mum will relate to and what will resonate with her.

Best of luck.

PS Had to say I love the idea of the towels Marion - cracking suggestion!

 

[carrieboo]

My mum is similar, she doesn't think there's anything wrong with her and won't have strangers in the house. All her towels, sheets and tea towels were threadbare... She always comes over to mine on a Saturday so a few weeks ago we made a detour to Dunelm as there were a 'few things I needed to get' and while we were there I 'encouraged' her to buy some new linen.

It worked, but now she's convinced that there's something wrong with the new (3rd in 3 years, long story...) washing machine because her sheets are 'coming out grey'. Well they are compared to her new ones because the old ones were wedding presents but will not accept it and is now obsessing over the washing machine not working.

I don't know, you try to do a good thing and end up wishing you'd left well alone!

 

[Kevinl]

My wife and I could never understand how some friends of ours (in their 40's) could have a cleaner. I think if you ask people they fall into 2 groups the ones who are happy to have someone do their laundry, clean the house, wash the post and whatever else and some (like us) just don't get the concept of someone else having the run of your house and doing things like that for you. I've asked other people and some would have a cleaner and some blanche at the idea of ever having one, it's something personal and I don't know you'll easily change someone's mind about it that easily.
K

 

[Pear trees]

I also bought 2 sets of identical towels and bedding and did a 'ninja clean' with all purpose spray when going to the !oo or making a cup of tea. The same tea often got 'spilt' down mum's top trousers and pants so she needed changing and I cleaned up the 'tea' with wash wipes. I used a carpet sweeper for a quick clean all round before she noticed.

 

[LadyA]

I work part time as a home help, but the woman I work with doesn't have dementia, she has a degenerative disease. However, she also finds it really difficult to accept having to have someone come in and clean her home. I've been working there about 15 or 16 years now! I go around like a tornado, cleaning, and she potters along doing her bit (which, tbh, mostly consists of standing with her walking frame, right where I need to be! ). But she feels still that I'm just "helping" her with the cleaning, which is important for her.

Dealing with another elderly lady years ago, I would just visit, have tea with her, and then chat to her as I "just washed up the tea things", and then I continued to chat and cleaned down the countertop, cleaned the hob, swept and wiped over the kitchen floor with a cloth brought for the purpose.... in the end the lady looked at me and said "you're awfully efficient, aren't you?!"

To get some regular help in, you could, as Essie suggests, tell her it's doctor's orders, or tell her that as she took such good care of you all your life, you want to do something now to take care of her, and although you know that she's perfectly capable of doing things herself, at her age, she deserves to take things easier, and you'd like to do that for her. To take a bit more care of her, and so that she can take things a bit easier, you want her to have someone to help just with "the heavy work" , without specifying what "heavy work" is. Try and make her feel that it's not that she can't manage, it's that you feel she deserves this extra pampering.