Is it me?

[Tillyann]

I care for mum who has VD everything goes relatively smoothly, I have the usual tiredness etc. Following visits to mum from my sister I get txts from sis saying mum is distressed why she doesn't have her bank cards, wants to go shopping and so on. This only comes up when sis has visited. Mum when I speak to her or follow up txts denies or can't remember what was said. It's causing a lot of bad feelings and there is an underlying message from sister as if she thinks I'm going against mums wishes.
It's making me so low in mood I rang the Samaritans on Sunday night just for someone to talk to as I was feeling so confused and unhappy by sisters implied behaviour on my part.
I have blocked my sister on my phone AGAIN but I'm still trying to come to understand what's going on. Or do I just leave it and try and move on. Feel rubbish again today, headache and low mood. Anyone experienced this from their loved one or sibling etc. Thanks helps to have TP


P[emoji68]*[emoji335][emoji190]

 

[Tin]

Morning Tillyann,

I don't have a sibling pestering me, although at the beginning, one was always asking about all things money - don't know what upset me more, mum's dementia or all the questioning about what I was doing with finances etc, did make me feel totally inadequate and well angry.

Now it is just mum's dementia and after 4 years I still cannot get to fully understand why she does the things she does. Feeling a strain or anxious cannot get near to describe how I feel when low and just not coping. I drink too much coffee, started smoking again and sometimes just feel so tired I know that I could sleep for days just to catch up and it would not be enough!!!

Things are not spiralling out of control and on the whole I cope with everything dementia because I think I am in that frame of mind that 'tomorrow will be better' We are not near the care home scenario yet. I think that had it not been mum and dementia, then depression would have brought me to my knees. A few years ago I was already talking to gp about my own state of mind.

So, Tomorrow, may be better.

 

[Margi29]

I read your post, and just wanted to say, as Tin says, tomorrow is another day

I think it's quite normal to have days of feeling low, this dementia is quietly stealing my mum.

No it's not you, it's this blinking awful disease.

When mum was diagnosed my sister and myself knew mum was popping up with all sorts of ' made up stories ' mum believed to be true

We made a pact, that whatever mum said we wouldn't fall out. We are very close and discuss all the confabulations mum comes up with. Mum doesn't realise we actually ' chat over everything ' if we hadn't then, there could have been major problems between us both.

Am afraid we both know one day mum won't be around, and we will need each other.

At the moment we are lucky mum is not at point of ch but know this could come.

Take çare, and be kind to yourself x

Ps our brother is another matter all together, he lives on a different planet!!

 

[Marcelle123]

I sympathise, Tillyann.

My sister & I have had a troubled relationship since childhood and throughout our adult life she has surprised me by blowing her top and/or putting the phone down on me every few years, usually because she read into my remarks meanings and motivations that weren't there. I love her in spite of it all, even though I now feel that her main feeling for me is dislike & resentment.

When Mum's crisis blew up last Autumn my sister came down to visit her in hospital and then in the care home and I felt we were getting on well, working as a team, and that I could talk to her about the problems. But then when Mum acted aggressively in the care home and we were worried she might not be able to stay, the stress got to my sister and she lost her temper suddenly with me out of the blue yet again. I concentrated on not putting the phone down and not having any sort of a breach because Mum needs us to co-operate and work together, and anyway, I can't stand being estranged utterly from my sister.

Recently she came down again to visit my mother & I saw her in the morning and things were fine. Then in the evening I went round to see her and again, she lost her temper with me out of the blue & made all sorts of accusations, some of them so bizarre that it was laughable. Again, I managed to get away without an absolute breach.

But it has hurt and upset me utterly and I'm only dealing with it now by emailing my sister briefly every week about Mum's progress and apart from that keeping a distance. I hope in the future we'll be able to pick things up again but in the meantime, it's painful.

Sometimes it's hard to see why your sibling is reacting like this when inside yourself you know that they're getting you and the situation all wrong. I've noticed a few posts on this forum where there's been trouble with siblings - I suppose because the illness of a mother or father is so deeply felt and rouses all sorts of old conflicts. Also, some siblings want to clear their own conscience or feel that they are 'the best child' by blaming the other(s).

So I'd say, no, it isn't you, and I wish you all the peace of mind possible. I am a Christian, but I have found this Buddhist advice-list (sent by a Facebook friend) quite helpful:

http://upliftconnect.com/get-someone-out-of-head/

Very best wishes,
Marcelle xx

 

[Shedrech]

hi Tillyann
sadly lots of us have misunderstandings with siblings
maybe tell your sister one more time what the arrangements are for your mum's finances and gently let her know that you are keeping to those arrangements carefully; that whatever your mum may say, it's not the accurate picture, it's your mum's way of sounding out her general anxiety about her condition as she has no way now, sadly, of really telling you both how she feels and money is an easy target to fix her anxiety to - then thank your sister for understanding so you'll neither of you need to worry about this again (yes, I know this isn't how it is but it will sort of put your sister in the right so she may be able to back down with grace)
I'd also say something like you aren't sleeping/feeling well at times so you are turning your phone off/blocking calls when you take a nap as it's the only way you can relax, so that she has a reason for the blocked calls that doesn't appear to be aimed at her individually
if after this you do get any more such comments, just let them blow over your head as you've explained all you can and clearly it's your sister's way of sounding out her anxiety about your mum's condition (like mother, like daughter?) - personally, I wouldn't check up with your mum as she clearly trusts you with her money, or she'd have words at you - and she forgets whatever has been said, so it'll just confuse her and leave her with a negative feeling long after she's forgotten what any of you actually did say
easy for me to write, I know ....
I think you were very sensible to speak with the Samaritans - if you want someone else to talk things over with, maybe call the AS helpline

0300 222 1122 or by email at helpline@alzheimers.org.uk.
•Helpline opening hours:
•Monday to Wednesday 9am – 8pm
•Thursday and Friday 9am – 5pm
•Saturday and Sunday 10am – 4pm

best wishes

 

[marionq]

When relatives behave so unreasonably I am inclined to suspect that there may be the beginnings of some mental issues with them too. Why would you resent or alienate the person who is on the frontline of caring? It makes no sense.

I have a sister who is 11 years older than I am and when our mother was very ill for along time my sister was a tower of strength. We shared everything as both of us were in full time jobs. I could not have done it without her.

 

[velocity]

Absolutely not your fault. This situation seems so very common. we've had this situation for years! it has caused such unnecessary unrepairable disruption within the family, for us seemed to start years before diagnosis. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. We believed 'stories' of unjust for quite a few years, other parts of the family who do not have so much contact or time, due to so many other commitments, just do not understand as it does take some believing.
I live with my Mum with my OH who is still working he doesn't always understand
my Mother. As Mum took a massive downturn last year, it's now taking me all my strength to see the situation as it is I have these massive blinkers, sometimes I can be objective sometimes I cannot.
Regards xx Its a rough cruel disease I am afraid.
Mums diagnosis is now Mixed Dementia,
Take care, I don't know your situation but if you can try to speak to your Sister

 

[Tillyann]

Thank you all for your kind and supportive messages. They all make sense of a difficult and horrible disease.
I've decided to use the SW to loads between sis and myself. And suggest a 'meeting' so sis can get it clear what is being done for mum and why. This will make me feel more comfortable and hopefully not cause bad feeling between us.
We have never been close and have not spoken for over 15yrs we have been in touch ( I initiated the contact) and getting along ok for the last 4yrs. Until mums situation deteriorated last year and I took the main Carers role.
Difficult for us all. Without others dumping their guilt on us.
Thanks again, feeling more positive now.
Hoping everyone has a peaceful day. [emoji254]


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[velocity]

Is it me

Dementia is brain damage and this seems to change people, the dilemma is that we do not always know which parts of the brain are affected other than what we see on a scan or the symptoms, this makes the disease unpredictable and unique to that person, there are apparently common traits which seem to occur.
Its an emotional transition watching a person degrade, when we watch a baby gathering skills its joyful, when you watch somebody loosing there's its very painful.

xx

 

[Azure9]

I care for mum who has VD everything goes relatively smoothly, I have the usual tiredness etc. Following visits to mum from my sister I get txts from sis saying mum is distressed why she doesn't have her bank cards, wants to go shopping and so on. This only comes up when sis has visited. Mum when I speak to her or follow up txts denies or can't remember what was said. It's causing a lot of bad feelings and there is an underlying message from sister as if she thinks I'm going against mums wishes.
It's making me so low in mood I rang the Samaritans on Sunday night just for someone to talk to as I was feeling so confused and unhappy by sisters implied behaviour on my part.
I have blocked my sister on my phone AGAIN but I'm still trying to come to understand what's going on. Or do I just leave it and try and move on. Feel rubbish again today, headache and low mood. Anyone experienced this from their loved one or sibling etc. Thanks helps to have TP


P[emoji68]*[emoji335][emoji190]

Actually, it's not you. I know your feelings right now cause I would be in the same mood and do the same things as you in the situation. However, instead of that, you should say to your sister about your thouhgts and feelings now. Mutual understanding is very important. And family means caring and being together.
Tomorrow is better.

 

[canary]

Im wondering whether your mum goes into "hostess mode" when your sister visits so that your sister doesnt realise how bad she is and thinks that she should be able to manage her own finances. It is also known that seeing a person can trigger the same response each time in PWDs, so it could well be that seeing your sister triggers the complaints about wanting to go shopping etc.

 

[joolzt]

Family members who turn up out of the blue and then criticise are so heartless and don't appreciate just how much carers do. Perhaps you could suggest your sister take your mum for a week, both to give you a break and to let her see how your mum really is? If she can't take her home, maybe she can take your mum on a respite break?

I'm lucky that my sis and I work together, but I wouldn't accept a word of criticism from my brothers as they haven't spent a night with mum for years.

You are clearly caring and so good to your mum, you should have more confidence in yourself. You KNOW you are doing all the right things,* you KNOW what she needs better then your sister. Be secure in the knowledge that you are doing your very best and just try and ignore what anyone else says. Until they walk a mile in your shoes you don't need to pay any attention to them. x

Sent from my SM-T719 using Talking Point mobile app

 

[Tillyann]

Im wondering whether your mum goes into "hostess mode" when your sister visits so that your sister doesnt realise how bad she is and thinks that she should be able to manage her own finances. It is also known that seeing a person can trigger the same response each time in PWDs, so it could well be that seeing your sister triggers the complaints about wanting to go shopping etc.

I think you could be right, whatever is said to mum during the visit brings this response from mum. It would seem that way. And I think she does cover up more when sister is there. Mum has said she feels uncomfortable with her. I just say oh do you, she will add I don't know why. Then I reassure her and say well it's past now and your sorted so all ok. And she is happy with that.
I feel better today. Been up with shopping did a tidy up etc. Just need the CARERS to start asap.
Thanks for your support.


P[emoji68]*[emoji335][emoji190]

 

[Tillyann]

Family members who turn up out of the blue and then criticise are so heartless and don't appreciate just how much carers do. Perhaps you could suggest your sister take your mum for a week, both to give you a break and to let her see how your mum really is? If she can't take her home, maybe she can take your mum on a respite break?

I'm lucky that my sis and I work together, but I wouldn't accept a word of criticism from my brothers as they haven't spent a night with mum for years.

You are clearly caring and so good to your mum, you should have more confidence in yourself. You KNOW you are doing all the right things,* you KNOW what she needs better then your sister. Be secure in the knowledge that you are doing your very best and just try and ignore what anyone else says. Until they walk a mile in your shoes you don't need to pay any attention to them. x

Sent from my SM-T719 using Talking Point mobile app

Your right but it's hard when it's chip chip chip away.
I've had some mental peace since I've blocked her on my phone. She can contact me by a variety of ways including my house phone if it's that important.
I've asked the SW to contact my sister and explain the care package to her. Hopefully she will see that I CANT just do anything to or for mum without SW and other service providers being aware of everything. And get things into perspective.
Thanks for the positive words.



P[emoji68]*[emoji335][emoji190]

 

[Georgina63]

Hi Tillyann, I'd say definitely not you! Like many others I've had a very difficult time with my sister over the care of our parents and it's something that I feel very sad about. But I found the only way I could continue to communicate with her was via email as when we spoke/met she took the opportunity to say a variety of unpleasant things to me, and like you I felt over a period of time this was a constant chip chipping away - too much to deal with along with caring for my mum and dad. I still feel very 'bruised' by the experience. Look after yourself and I hope it all works out in the best way possible. Georgina X

 

[Georgina63]

I sympathise, Tillyann.

My sister & I have had a troubled relationship since childhood and throughout our adult life she has surprised me by blowing her top and/or putting the phone down on me every few years, usually because she read into my remarks meanings and motivations that weren't there. I love her in spite of it all, even though I now feel that her main feeling for me is dislike & resentment.

When Mum's crisis blew up last Autumn my sister came down to visit her in hospital and then in the care home and I felt we were getting on well, working as a team, and that I could talk to her about the problems. But then when Mum acted aggressively in the care home and we were worried she might not be able to stay, the stress got to my sister and she lost her temper suddenly with me out of the blue yet again. I concentrated on not putting the phone down and not having any sort of a breach because Mum needs us to co-operate and work together, and anyway, I can't stand being estranged utterly from my sister.

Recently she came down again to visit my mother & I saw her in the morning and things were fine. Then in the evening I went round to see her and again, she lost her temper with me out of the blue & made all sorts of accusations, some of them so bizarre that it was laughable. Again, I managed to get away without an absolute breach.

But it has hurt and upset me utterly and I'm only dealing with it now by emailing my sister briefly every week about Mum's progress and apart from that keeping a distance. I hope in the future we'll be able to pick things up again but in the meantime, it's painful.

Sometimes it's hard to see why your sibling is reacting like this when inside yourself you know that they're getting you and the situation all wrong. I've noticed a few posts on this forum where there's been trouble with siblings - I suppose because the illness of a mother or father is so deeply felt and rouses all sorts of old conflicts. Also, some siblings want to clear their own conscience or feel that they are 'the best child' by blaming the other(s).

So I'd say, no, it isn't you, and I wish you all the peace of mind possible. I am a Christian, but I have found this Buddhist advice-list (sent by a Facebook friend) quite helpful:

http://upliftconnect.com/get-someone-out-of-head/

Very best wishes,
Marcelle xx

Thanks for the link Marcelle. Food for thought and hopefully less of the negative thoughts! Gx

 

[Al-4]

Unfortunately the nature of the illness can make it difficult for the person to communicate themselves fully and this can result in misunderstandings and stresses between siblings. It's best for everyone to try and get along with each other, otherwise you may be causing unnecessary stress due to a misunderstanding of the facts.

Sent from my GT-I9505 using Talking Point mobile app

 

[joolzt]

Your right but it's hard when it's chip chip chip away.
I've had some mental peace since I've blocked her on my phone. She can contact me by a variety of ways including my house phone if it's that important.
I've asked the SW to contact my sister and explain the care package to her. Hopefully she will see that I CANT just do anything to or for mum without SW and other service providers being aware of everything. And get things into perspective.
Thanks for the positive words.



P[emoji68]*[emoji335][emoji190]

Definitely, the constant niggling can really get you down, and when you are already doing the best for your mum it is extra hassle you don't need. You are doing the right thing by putting distance between you and getting the professionals to help. They will know you are doing the right things and, hopefully, can get your sis off your back.

Best wishes

Julie