What would you do?

[Lawson58]

I have talked about this before in various posts but it is now becoming quite an issue and I would value your opinions and suggestions.

OH has two sons who both live in Europe. He has had turbulent relationships with both and this occurred long before I met him.

At the time of our marriage, OH had not been in contact with No. 1 son for many years and wouldn't even ask him to our wedding and I have never met him. OH's description of him was that he was impossible to get along with, was irresponsible and exploited everyone he knew. About four years ago, at the request of his ex wife, OH initiated contact 'because No. 1 son was in a suicidal state of mind' and since then there has been
a mix of phone, emails, Facebook etc, often argumentative and confronting, sometimes pleasant.

When we met, No. 2 son and OH were working together, not always harmoniously but a few months after we were married, he began prying into our wills, insisting that if OH died before me, then I should give him and his brother half of what we had. Needless to say it caused a rift between them and a few months later we moved to another country to live for a couple of years before coming back to Australia. OH has found it difficult to communicate with him but visited them in Europe a few years ago and found it rather stressful.

The subject of our wills has reared its ugly head from time to time much to my disgust and ongoing frustration and recently it has been the centre of a lot of aggravation. I have been very self disciplined and have refrained from engaging with either son. However, both sons have been pushing harder and harder with the result that OH was getting very agitated which is usually a trigger for an episode of paranoia.

The current situation is that No. 2 son has vowed that he wants nothing to do with his father ever again. There have been extremely unpleasant posts on Facebook which has really upset OH.

No. 1 son is still phoning and bullying his dad and I have had enough, we both have. I know what I would like to do but I have to consider that OH is desperate to maintain a relationship with his son. I understand that but I need to curb this intrusive rudeness and harassment but how do I intervene without making matters worse?

OH is reluctant for me to talk to No. 1 son because he knows I can be quite forthright but I don't feel I have much choice. If anyone has any suggestions, I would welcome them.

It is ridiculous that someone who lives halfway round the world can cause so much distress. Sorry for the long post.

 

[marionq]

The distress will continue for as long as you engage with them. I would make a final contact to say just what you have here viz. you find their behaviour very upsetting and will not be responding again until that changes. You wish them no ill but goodbye for the present........and stick to that.

 

[LadyA]

I'd be inclined to agree with Marionq - except that they sound a right pair. Would/could they get in touch with your husband without your knowing, and sow the seeds of paranoia about you? Would they tell him that you had contacted them and told them not to contact their father again - "maybe because you wanted everything for yourself when he died?" type of thing? For that reason, I'd be careful. Would you just be able to monitor incoming post? Divert their emails to another inbox? Would your husband remember for long, if he didn't hear from them?

 

[Lawson58]

At the moment OH's short term memory is better than his long term. He has a bit of confusion about time, movie plots and doesn't always understand what is being said but he is with it enough to know if he hadn't heard from them for a while.

In my opinion, they are a pair of greedy monsters and I would dearly love to tell them to take a hike but I I will be the one to suffer if OH gets stressed. They are both capable of being nasty behind my back as they are always saying horrible things about each other!

I blocked No. 1 son's phone number but he just used a friend's phone, or got a new prepaid phone number which I would not recognIse.

No. 2 son is not communicating in any shape or form which is a relief.

I am going to have to learn how to delete things off Facebook (not a fan and never used it) and I know his passwords for his email but I am going to have to wait until he is out. So that is going to be a bit hit and miss.

But I am going to monitor his calls from abroad and disconnect the call the moment wills or money gets a mention. The time difference means that the calls come during our evening when we are both at home.

I understand that despite their behaviour, they are his sons and he still loves them. He feels guilty that he didn't give them his time when they were growing up. He forgets that they never recall his birthday or send him a message at Christmas and that they don't get how sick he is.

It's all such stupidity on top of everything else we have to deal with.

 

[Jessbow]

How long have you two been married? Doesn't make a lot of difference really, at the end of the day your husbands will ( and what it says) is his business until the day he dies.

 

[meme]

So what is in his will? Is it not fair to halve what will be left between you and his sons? Any reason he or you can't reassure his sons they are not forgotten and won't be left out?

 

[cragmaid]

Write to them...and keep copies too!

Tell them that your OH, their dear Dad, cannot make decisions about legal affairs anymore. Tell them that he has made his will, and that it was made some time ago ( true or not it will deal with the question of capacity for the time being). You are not prepared for discussions to take place which cause upset to OH, especially ones about money which may or may not exist by the time you and OH die, given that you and he may need extensive care in the later years.

Tell them, that unless they are prepared to only spend supportive time with their father, you would rather that they do not contact him at all and you will advise them of his state of health in due course.

I would end the letter with good wishes to them both , telling them that you are sorry to have to tell them this, but that your OH's health comes first, and that you will do eveything you can to maintain it. Say that you look forward to seeing them, and can they please let you know when thay can call and visit, because OH needs time to prepare for visitors these days.

Be firm, but open in your responses. ..... you might need their help one day .... and after all, there might not be any money left at the end of it all.
Regards, Maureen.x.x.

 

[Lawson58]

We have been married 14 years which is almost how long I have been trying to deal with this in erratic episodes. OH has told them on several occasions what is in his will but I don't think they really want to know that. I think they are trying to make sure they get their money soon as by discounting me along the way. I suspect they are pushing him to change his will but considering they live half a world away, they have no chance of that.

Incidentally, my own children have never asked me what is in my will because not only do they understand that is a definite 'no no' but they know they would be told that it is not their business,

We have been very fair in our distributions in our wills I but THEY ARE DOING LITTLE TO PROMOTE THEIR OWN CAUSE!

 

[Lawson58]

Write to them...and keep copies too!

Tell them that your OH, their dear Dad, cannot make decisions about legal affairs anymore. Tell them that he has made his will, and that it was made some time ago ( true or not it will deal with the question of capacity for the time being). You are not prepared for discussions to take place which cause upset to OH, especially ones about money which may or may not exist by the time you and OH die, given that you and he may need extensive care in the later years.

Tell them, that unless they are prepared to only spend supportive time with their father, you would rather that they do not contact him at all and you will advise them of his state of health in due course.

I would end the letter with good wishes to them both , telling them that you are sorry to have to tell them this, but that your OH's health comes first, and that you will do eveything you can to maintain it. Say that you look forward to seeing them, and can they please let you know when thay can call and visit, because OH needs time to prepare for visitors these days.

Be firm, but open in your responses. ..... you might need their help one day .... and after all, there might not be any money left at the end of it all.
Regards, Maureen.x.x.

Apart from one trip back to the UK some years ago, OH has not seen his second son for many years. He has not seen first son in almost twenty years and does not actually want to see them because of the stress they have both caused him.

And now because of the distance they couldn't help even if they wanted to and my family always help us and have POAs for us both. OH is happy with this arrangement and often gets a bit weepy when he talks about my kids.

Whatever I do I have to make sure that I don't end up on the receiving end of their malice and OH's paranoia and they are so obsessed with this that trying to deal with them rationally isn't really an option. I could write pages about some the crazy things they have done but I don't think you would believe them.

 

[canary]

I think maybe it would be best to just try and minimise contact.
I have to monitor OHs emails and check them when he is asleep. I delete any dodgy looking ones and I have also deleted several email addresses from the address book. There are also a few people who call, that for one reason or another we cant block. Do you have caller ID on your phone? If so make sure you correctly ID every phone no that son uses and then, instead of blocking it (so he knows that he will have to try another number), just leave it when it rings to go to answer phone - or, as you can do with my phone, program it to go automatically to answer phone (and turn the volume to mute so you cant hear it unless you specifically play it at a time of your own choosing )
I dont know much about facebook. Can you "unfriend" them, or change their status in some way without them being notified, so that they cant leave nasty comments on your husbands page? Otherwise, just delete them as you see them.

 

[Lawson58]

Hi Canary,

We do have caller ID on our phone and I try and use it as much as I can and often, apart from this situation but for potential scammers as well.

However, you wouldn't believe how cunning these two men can be. No. 1 son has now arranged for OH to phone him, let it ring twice then hang up and son will ring him back. That means either I monitor OH every moment or I change our phone number which could cause OH massive confusion. But I also think I can quietly disconnect our phone in the evening but he'll get cranky if he can't make a call.

Facebook has been a big problem and No. 2 son has happily 'unfriended' (if that's the right word) his father and talked OH's grand-daughter and grandson to do the same. He doesn't use email so much and he skypes his brothers regularly which is good.

I think I am going to intercept a call and explain to No. 1 son that if OH dies before me, then I intend to have a ball, really enjoy myself to the point of spending all of the money and having nothing left to leave to anybody.

The reality is that they will continue to harass us , we will continue to suffer the rudeness and we will continue to be stressed and angry until I reach the point where I pop into a few hundred little pieces of quivering blubber!

 

[Lawson58]

Thank you Kassy for your kind words.

Neither of the boys have ever done anything for their father but they have this overdeveloped sense of entitlement and make huge assumptions about our financial situation. They have both had large amounts of money pass through their hands over the years but have no idea how to handle finances and I could write a book about the ridiculous things they have done. It all underscores why they are so greedy and desperate to get theirs paws on their dad's money.

Both my children own their own homes and are more than capable of looking after themselves so your idea about leaving what's left to charity has some appeal. That would really stop the arguments!

 

[Lawson58]

And the latest is that suddenly OH's grandson has started messaging on Facebook about how he misses him and that it's very sad that it's been so long since they have seen each other. You could just about hear the violins in the background.

I tracked back on Facebook and in the last five years there have been a few one-line messages from grandson and not even a thank you when we used to send some money for his birthday.

We know this lad has been in trouble with the law, has lost his job and had to sell his car to get some money. No. 1 son had only the night before suggested to OH that he should give grandson some money and then out of the blue these messages started appearing.

So I am now so highly suspicious that I see this as just another ploy to get some money out of grandad. Unfortunately this is pulling at OH's heartstrings and causing him a lot of sadness and now he gets agitated with me because I am not feeling the appropriate amount of sympathy.

OH is of course unfit to travel and can't get travel insurance but grandson wants to meet him in Thailand. I guess he thinks grandad will fork out for his fare and all the necessities like accommodation and food etc. but it's not going to happen.

I think my patience is coming to an end. OH will be very cross with me but we need some peace and I suspect that the next phone call might get a little heated.

 

[Spamar]

Go, girl, go! You tell him, callous b..........!

 

[Lawson58]

Will let you know when it happens. Spamar!

 

[Lawson58]

Last night No.1 son phoned again so I stayed in the room while OH and he talked. I had told OH that if there was any mention of money or wills that I would disconnect the call and fortunately it didn't come to that.

This morning I had to see our GP for a blood pressure check and while I was there I had a quick chat about everything that had been happening and he was nothing short of amazing. We talked about when our wills had been made and he assured me that he would have no hesitation in confirming that OH had capacity at the time, should his will be contested by his family. He has been our GP for years and he has been very supportive through all our troubles and worked with me to get OH diagnosed.

I don't think it will ever come to that situation but it's nice to know that he has my back.