advice re father's care and carers

[BJS]

Hi I am new to this forum but could do with some help!
Briefly, my dad is nearly 94. He is registered blind and has mixed type dementia. He has very limited mobility and lives at home with a rota of 6 carers (non-agency, employed by us). He has deteriorated so much recently and I think the carers are finding it hard to cope. I live at the other end of the country but get texts from them saying he's been up all night, or he's been really nasty to them etc and I just don't know what to do. He is so used to one to one care that I cannot see him coping in a nursing home, though I really think that him being at home is getting increasingly difficult. Any advice? Thanks

 

[Beate]

You have to do what's in your father's best interest. Carers won't cope for long with aggression, they'll just leave. Plus there are fall risks if someone's up all night. I would look into care homes if I were you, so he can be safe.

 

[Tin]

Beate is right - I am sorry, probably not what you wanted to hear, eventually all dementia sufferers need 24/7 care. From what you have written he does now need that.

No harm in looking at what is available, maybe his carers could help you with this search.

 

[love.dad.but..]

This must be so difficult to try and deal with from a long distance but it sounds as though your father needs more round the clock care than the current arrangement can provide. My dad was up and pacing all night and while it took him quite a while to settle in a dementia care home and heartbreaking to have to make that decision it was the right one in his best interests to keep him safe and looked after. He is still wandering the care home corridors some nights with less mobility but 2.5 years on I doubt he will stop until he is unable. It's a compulsion for some as part of their dementia. However it sounds as though your carers are struggling a bit now and most likely will get worse.

 

[BJS]

thanks. You are, of course, all totally right and it would be a huge relief to me if he was in a care home. Having said that, I fear the disruption will probably kill him. He copes very badly now with any sort of change (if his pee bottles aren't in the right place he throws a hissy fit!). We recently had a downstairs wetroom put in for him and that caused a real decline in his state of mind. It's awful but I just don't want the responsibility of making the decision to "put him in a home". Most days I feel like crawling into a hole and staying there 'til it's all over!

 

[Beate]

But he's not coping at home either, is he? He needs more care. Yes, he might not adapt well, but at least he'll be safe. And you're not putting him in a home, dementia is.

 

[Jessbow]

Sooner or later the carers will throw in the towel, that will cause dad angst

You might as well accept that whatever happens he'd going to get in a state, and make a move to a residential placement where if he's angsty with a particular carer, there is another just along the corridor.

You'll feel so much better with the peace of mind

 

[BJS]

Beate - thanks for that. I hadn't though of it that way - yes, it is dementia that is to "blame" Not me. And Crazyweather, you are right too. Am so sorry about your experience, utterly ghastly and stressful

 

[canary]

A care home may work out better than you think.
Mum went into a care home when she was at the nasty paranoid stage and was up all night walking around outside in her nightclothes.
She had previously begged me never to "put her in a home", but I knew there was no other way. Actually, though, she has thrived. Her paranoia has almost completely gone (she still gets her moments, but its not very often now) and she is enjoying having constant company and someone to re-assure her 24/7. She had been losing weight and was seriously dehydrated, but she was eating and drinking in the CH and put on some weight. She has been there 3 years now and is getting frail, but she is still content there.
I will say that it took her a while to settle, but after that it has worked well.
I think other people on here have found the same.

 

[BJS]

thanks crazyweather - one point you made was very pertinent and that was about a sibling having different views. I am in the same situation and I think moving him to a home would be easier in a way (though more burdensome on one person's shoulders) if it was just me making the decision. So much baggage flying around. And I already went through all this with my mother-in-law, who did end up being sectioned and never returned home.

 

[BJS]

The decision may be made for you.

If the carers walk out tomorrow, what happens?

My sister and I would have to take it in turns. I would have to move 250 miles, stop work, leave my husband (who has cancer) at home to cope, until we found a carehome. I do not want to do that and it is not really a viable option for me so you are right, I have to find a home for him asap

I don't think the carers will just walk. One of them has been with the family for nearly 15 years, having looked after my mother before she died. They all love him but they are only human and we cannot and do not expect them to be abused and put up with it

He had 12 nights' respite a couple of years ago at the best home in the area. He hated every minute and you would have thought we had sent him to Broadmore. I had hoped it would have been a good experience and a taster of what things could be like but (predictably) it didn't go to plan. He was never an easy man

 

[BJS]

We used a Care Broker/Brokerage Service. Saves a lot of legwork as the Lady we dealt with was ex LA Adult Services at a senior level. Knew all homes and care agencies off by heart. But costs a few £.

Thanks - I will look into it. I hadn't heard of that service

 

[canary]

Id check up how much they charge before you get them to do anything, though, BJS and decide how much you think your time is worth.

 

[MrsTerryN]

Mum, who has now passed, actually improved in care.
We had carers in for her. Mum knew though she couldn't stay at home.
She moved into care the day after dad died.
She ate better she was better off.
She did still have aggression issues with myself and then they filtered to the staff but...i jab no regrets having mum in care.
She was physically located much closer to me which was good (kinda )
I think you already know what is best for your dad.

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