Can anyone offer any help to our situation?

[Mumof3kids!]

My lovely dad was diagnosed with vascular dementia in April 2015 - looking back the signs were there, but like most cases, in isolation they didn't ring any bells. My mum has been trying her best to look after him, without any 'outside help'. As she is a private person and would see this as letting dad down. It's not been easy and there have been plenty of tears, frustration, upset and heartbreak at how this illness takes away the person you love. Unfortunately mum's health hasn't been great and she's been in and out of hospital herself from Dec 16 - Jan 17. This has caused dad to be more confused than ever and I've taken time off work to look after him. Now mum is home she's supposed to be recouperating. However this is impossible since dad is demanding attention- he can't remember that's she's poorly, let alone she's been in hospital. Yesterday he had a heavy nose bleed which resulted in my taking him to a&e where he was admitted for the night. Last night I stayed with my mum who slept for the first time in a long time as there were no interruptions from dad's demands. She - we - need help. Her health is deteriorating due to the stress but I don't know what help is out there. All I know is this can't be a unique situation.

The problem is that my dad doesn't think there's anything wrong with him. It's heartbreaking.

I am doing all I can to be there for them both - after all they looked after me - but with 3 kids, a (very supportive) husband and a job, I can't do it all on my own.

Any advice would be gratefully received.

Sorry for the long post x

 

[Grannie G]

Welcome to Talking Point.

Has your mum been in contact with Social Services yet to see what help is available. She could tell your dad it is for help for herself rather than for him, if he is in denial.

If she could get someone in for a short time each day it would give her time to breathe.

 

[eddiesgirl]

Good morning Mumof3 - I well remember the "Where do I start?" phase; very not nice. All the above advice is good - please try not to be daunted.

It's worth mentioning that if your father would be self-funding (see above) you do not have to wait on Social Services to get help in place, and it does sound as if it's time to get the carers in. Your Mum and Dad will need their Community Care Assessment & Carer's Assessment for sure, but having some professional care already in place will not prejudice either assessment: a need that is being managed is still a need and will be assessed as such. (Indeed, when my Mum had hers, and I, much further down the line & on my knees had mine, this was made explicit by the assessor on each occasion.)

I used a nationwide carers' support charity. They did the care I couldn't manage & there would be no need to fib about who they were supporting.

Good luck, and keep posting X.

 

[GeorgesGran]

The most immediate help I have found is the Alzheimer's Society, they can put you in touch with your local branch and give you support, they helped me last week when I had concerns about my mother.
Ring 020 7423 3500 In the first instance or go onto their website alzheimers.org.uk and see if they give a local number for you to call.

 

[Shedrech]

hello Mumof3kids!
welcome to TP, where, as you've already discovered, there are plenty of knowledgeable and understanding folk to share their experiences
You say your mum has been in hospital herself and is recuperating - so I'm not sure why a re-ablement care package wasn't put in place before her last discharge - this is to provide home care visits to make sure that someone doesn't end up back in hospital - usually for 6 weeks and free
it may be worth contacting the hospital social worker to ask why this wasn't in place
it's definitely time to contact the Local Authority Adult Services, today, and tell them that your mum and dad need immediate support as your mum is your dad's carer and actually cannot look after herself at the moment and certainly can't be her husband's carer - use phrases 'vulnerable adults' 'at risk' and that the LA 'have a duty of care' - well worth asking for an urgent respite stay for your dad - neither of your parents may want this; sounds as though it is needed - definitely ask for day care for your dad as that will give your mum a break during the day
yes, if your parents will be self-funding (savings over £23000) then there's nothing to stop them organising care themselves (well, I guess you'll be organising this) - my dad was self funding but as the agency was brokered through the LA, he got the LA rates, so worth having the LA involved - usually day care has to be through GP/LA referral
hope you get some support soon
best wishes