Is my mum faking it?

[Tangerinebabe1]

Hi everyone, my mum is 85 and 4 years ago I moved her into my family home because she had stopped paying her bills and was confused. So after many consultations with a memory clinic they diagnosed her with Alzheimer's. Now my issues are that my mum has always controlled my life, and was extremely upset in her own home and didn't want to be on her own anymore (this was before she became confused) so as an only child when she became confused my only alternative was to move her in with me as she would not go in a nursing home. All was ok for about 3 weeks, then she wasn't happy with her room (she was in a single back bedroom overlooking the garden) it was too small with no view she had said, so my husband and I moved our king size bed into the single back room with a small wardrobe, the room is full wall to wall, this allowed her a spacious lovely front bedroom of her own with an en suite bathroom and a view of the cul-de-sac. Now I'm going to sound a dreadful person here but as time has gone on, she hasn't deteriorated at all, she is still the same as she was 5 years ago, some days she's having very clear conversations, and when she phones her sister she is never confused, never repeats herself and tells her she hates living with me and hates me, and the same with all her friends (who now don't speak time), but with me its like she plays on it, asking the same questions over and over again, telling me she's lost her purse or glasses, so I look everywhere taking me ages and she has hid it in her bra or tucked down her skirt, constantly feeding the dogs sweets and cake, to the point one was really sick for 5 days, saying she didn't know who my husband is and asking me how many male visitors have been this week to the house in front of my husband and is he my new boyfriend, throwing my bedding and towels away, she even threw her new nail varnishes and DVDs that were bought for her at Christmas in the dustbin 5 days after, luckily I found them before the bin men arrived as my daughter had noticed her Mrs Browns Boys box set missing when she had asked her put a DVD on. She won't eat anything I cook unless I supervise her eating, she gives it the dogs. Now recently I have noticed she hides her tablets in the side of her gum and spits them out when I've walked away throwing them in the bin or flushing them down the loo (who knows how long this has been going on), so now I ask to see in her mouth and she gets nasty asking why she had to take the yellow one (aricept) and that she doesn't need it, then in the next breath saying I've got that Alzheimer's you know. The problem is I'm literally at my wit's end with her controlling and unappreciative behaviour, I run about after her all day, making teas, toast, sandwiches, cakes, scones, taking her out to the shops, bring me this, get me that, wash my hair, put my rollers in, wash my clothes, is hard enough caring for daughter who is sick with Lupus without her demands, luckily my husband is very caring and gives me a reason to carry on, but I don't give him the attention he deserves as mum is just so demanding, the thing is she can do most things for herself but I feel she plays on her illness and I'm now asking myself is she faking it? Has anyone else had the same or going through the same?

 

[Delphie]

Hi

I haven't been in your situation but just wanted to give you a virtual hug. (((you)))

How difficult for you!

My thoughts, for what they're worth, are that yes, she could be faking it, either completely deliberately or because of some mental health issue (though one could say that a mental health issue would almost have to be present for that kind of fakery!). While Alzheimer's is very individual and, for example, my own mum's has been very slow to progress, the no change for 5 years would certainly be outside of the norm. Not impossible but unusual.

But, that aside, whatever the reasons for her behaviour, I would say that your situation is not sustainable. You sound at the end of your tether and I'm not surprised. Your mum, whatever is wrong with her, is having a massive impact on your family and home life and it wouldn't hurt, I think, to take a deep breath and have a think about how else all this could be handled.

I'm an only one too, but for very many reasons I couldn't and wouldn't have my mum live with us (me, husband and two sons) nor would I move in with her to be her hands on 24/7 carer. There are other options. Obviously there's residential care, though you say she didn't want to go into a nursing home (very few people do!), but there are also all kinds of 'assisted living' options, where the person has their own space and independence but with varying degrees of support where/when needed. There is also the at home (her home!) option. She could live alone but with frequent visits from you and from paid for carers.

I strongly suspect, though, that she likes things just as they are and will be reluctant to engage in any meaningful conversations about making some changes. That doesn't mean you're stuck with things as they are, though. You and your husband and, very importantly, your daughter all matter too and what you want from your home life in your own home has to be taken into consideration. I know it would be very difficult for you to say enough, but however hard, this option is open to you.

In your shoes, at the very least right now I'd have a good look at what would be possible in terms of getting her moved out. Imagine you've had a carer's breakdown (it happens to plenty of people, sadly) and can't do any more for her. Something would have to happen whether she liked it or not... Whether you take the next step and actually move her out or not doesn't matter right this second. Sometimes just knowing you have an exit route is enough.

P.S. I'd also insist on having your bedroom back.

 

[marionq]

Change is needed. My SIL lives in a very sheltered accommodation flat which has a concierge up to 8pm. They have communal spaces where they do art classes, bingo, special events, hairdresser etc. It is ideal for an elderly person who can still function independently. I arranged it for her because I refused to have her stay permanently with us after she retired and no longer had a family home.

The dynamic in our home during the short period she did live with us totally changed and I found her self centred, manipulative, tight fisted and bringing nothing at all to our home.

Your Mum sounds like that too. My SIL has done extremely well in her own flat. What she doesn't do for herself is up to her.

 

[HillyBilly]

Hi. Your post reminded me of one I'd seen before so I dug it up.
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showthread.php?92823-Can-you-fake-it

 

[RedLou]

Why don't you ask her if she'd like to live with her sister as she so clearly hates living with you? Tell her you're moving her back to the back bedroom for starters. If she kicks up a fuss ask her if she'd prefer sheltered accommodation. She can only manipulate you as far as you let her. A diagnosis, even if correct, of dementia doesn't mean her wishes are suddenly more important than everyone else's. You, your husband and most importantly your daughter still have the right to live a life of your choosing. If you care for someone you have to compromise that for the sake of compassion or love, or both, but you don't have to shred it and throw it away for years, possibly decades on end.

 

[Amy in the US]

Hello Tangerinebabe, and welcome to Talking Point.

I'm sorry to hear about all the stress with your mum and it sounds like you are overwhelmed, no matter what the cause of her behaviour is.

My mother was stubborn, illogical, self-centred, and unpredictable pre-dementia, and her Alzheimer's didn't help any of those personality tendencies.

It's likely impossible for any of us to tell you what is deliberate and what she can't help but at a guess, there is likely a mix of both going on. The specifics may not matter as much as the effect this is having on you and your family right now.

There is good general information about all things dementia on the Alzheimer's UK website, which you might want to have a look at when you have time, if you haven't already. This might be a place to start: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/info/20000/about_dementia

Or here: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/info/20064/symptoms

I would mention that a lot of the things you describe are common to dementia: describing visits that haven't happened, overfeeding pets, throwing things away (including gifts and new items), not swallowing tablets, not eating, "hiding" things away and then not being able to find them, et cetera. All very common to dementia. I'm not saying she isn't deliberately pushing your buttons, I'm just saying that those are behaviours that are commonly seen with dementia.

And while some people with dementia are easy-going and compliant, that's not the case for a lot of PWDs (persons with dementia). There can be everything from mild upset to constant anxiety to outright aggression and violence.

If you notice any sudden changes or rapid deterioration or sharp change in personality, I'd get her medically checked out, as that can be the sign of an illness or infections. PWDs are especially prone to UTIs and sometimes chest infections.

As far as could there be a deliberate part of your mother's behaviour towards you? It's hard for us to say but it is true that a PWD often behaves differently for different people. It's also very common for the primary caregiver, often a family member, often an adult child (often a daughter of a mother with dementia), to get the worst of it.

Also we sometimes unintentionally, and unknowingly, act as a trigger for some of these behaviours. I don't mean to suggest you're doing anything wrong, just that the past relationships or dynamics or interactions, sometimes don't mix well with the dementia. (Been there and got the t-shirt.)

You clearly need some help, some respite, something, as you sound close to the end of your tether. I don't know what options are available in your area such as day care, carers, sitters, and so forth, but carer breakdown does happen and is not to be taken lightly. You can damage your physical and mental health if you're not careful. The current situation doesn't sound tenable.

I'm so sorry and hope you can find some help and support and a way forward. Best wishes.

 

[care 4 momma]

My mom was much like yours, take your bedroom back. My mom hit me with her purse and pushed me but it didnt last long. It was a very hard middle phase of her disease but we got thru it. They are terrified because they dont understand what is happening and also know they are loosing their independence.
My husband was my rock. I told mom that if she didnt want to live with me the doctor at the emergency room and social worker were going to demand she go to a nursing home. She was in no positition to go back to her home to live alone. She also almost burnt the kitchen down twice. I had to use tough love but she finally accepted my love and support.
I told her one weekend we needed to go back and check on her home she looked at me and smiled and said this is my home. I cried and hugged her tight. When she did go back to her home to get some things she thought it was someone elses home and she said police would get us if we went in a strangers home. Very sad she didnt even recognize the home she fought me to go back to within a few weeks. She progressed very fast.

 

[carpe diem]

Hi, I don't really think it's a question of whether or not she is faking it's more of an impossible situation. I couldn't cope living with my mum and if I was you I'd be packing her bags and taking her on a long holiday to an assisted living home. Ask SS to give you some info about assisted living homes and pack her bag. You only get one life. X

 

[Samantha1977]

Hi Tangerinebabe1 ...I absolutely understand where you're coming from because I have gone through strangely the same scenario. But with my mil.
I was always the bad guy and no matter how much I did it was never enough. I have time and again questioned the diagnosis because how can 1 person know what to say in front of certain people but control themselves to not say it to others.
My mil seems to have progressed slightly further since those days (it lasted about 13 years I guess). I mean she still plays me off against others and knows when to control what she says but it's not as full force as it used to be. The sad thing is alot of damage mentally and emotionally was done then...so even if it's in the past I still bare mental scars.
Anyway...I have posted a question which is slightly similar but different..
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showthread.php?t=98968

And one person replied with something interesting that dementia or alzheimers does not make them do stuff, person with dementia still has their personality.
So as I have refused to believe mil has dementia reading the replies and alot of posts makes me think dementia mixed with a narcissistic streak equals to a very challenging time for family who are carers.
I don't have are definite answer but I believe it's not all dementia. There's still their old personality that creeps up in everyday life. My opinion anyway.

Best wishes.

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[Tangerinebabe1]

Thank you for all for your comments, is a lot to take in but I will read the links you have kindly attached and do a bit of research. It is very tiring caring for an elderly parent, especially one that's so demanding, so I think I will take a look at respite and see where that leads me, as for the bedroom, my husband is going to decorate the rabbit hutch (back bedroom) and fit a single wardrobe in it to move her back in the summer, fingers crossed there won't be a war, thanks again for your support.

 

[canary]

All the things that you describe could easily be dementia and sometimes dementia progresses very slowly. How was she diagnosed? If she had scans then the dementia would show up on them and I doubt she was misdiagnosed.

Having said that, the dementia can make them act in ways that can appear manipulative and, of course, your mums personality will tend to take her in that direction anyway. Are you thinking that she is faking because she seems OK when talking on the phone? There is a phenomenon (known on here as "hostess mode") in which the person with genuine dementia can sort of pull themself together in front of medical people and friends/family for short periods of time and sound perfectly normal. Its very irritating.

 

[Tangerinebabe1]

The thing is, that when she's in front of medical professionals she plays the most Oscar winning part I have ever seen, really confused, not able to answer questions and usually telling them how lovely they are, she's never had a brain scan and within the last 5 minutes I've had to force her to take the yellow pill (aricept) although she took her others no problem, she is confused but not too the extent she puts on sometimes especially in front of them.

 

[shark2]

Dear love you. My mum was the same, demanding, wanting me to be with her all the time. She would have let me leave my husband and move in with her. I hadn't a bedroom for her but my 2 sons and I stayed over at her house at nights. She told everyone how awful I was and I wouldn't let her move in with me etc.

It takes over your life and you are so lucky to have your husband's support. I do think you need to be firm with her, easier said than done I know. I wish I had stood up to my mum earlier.

 

[Kevinl]

Unfortunately some people with AZ can become very need and demanding.
This afternoon I went to feed my wife her evening meal as happens one of the really needy residents was sat near us. For the whole 90 minutes she constantly asked for things one after the other, first it was a cup of tea, then 2 minutes later another as the first one was cold, then cake even thought it was 10 minutes before meal time, they bring the cake and she insists she'd asked for biscuits not cake but she managed to eat both. Same with the meal, they offered her 3 choices she went for fishcakes, chips and veg (same as us) sent it back and got mash and braised steak, didn't like that and why couldn't she have chips like we had, another meal swap then it was bread and butter to make a chip butty..it just went one and one relentlessly.
She isn't the only one just the worse of the needy ones, AZ seem to take people that way sometimes. I've no idea what she was like before she became ill but being around her, it wears me out just listening to her constant demands.
K

 

[rache123]

Have you thought about secretly videoing her when she is lucid? You could then demonstrate to any professionals what have you live with that she hides.

You could also video her in her worse moments as a compare and contrast.

But she has had 5 good years with you, even if you haven't. You played your part. Time for a change now

 

[pinkprincess]

How r u now with ur situation poster? X

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[Oh Knickers]

Tangerinebabe,

How are you doing? How you have managed 5 years of this is astonishing. Not only astonishing but a credit to you. Please take the guidance offered.

I would push for a scan. Then you would know either way regarding dementia. If she is putting it on how are you going to feel? If she is diagnosed with dementia what do you want to do?

Also, how are you going to feel should mother kick off when banished to the back bedroom? In addition to decorating the room, I'd be researching Extra Assisted Retirement or Care homes.

Play on carer fatigue with the GPs and Consultant. Unhappily, basic traits PWD have are still there with the added level of dementia. My mother goes into hostess mode. She also practices for her Memory Clinic. How? I have no idea. So she got a brilliant score last time. This is a person with a 5 second memory and is easily confused.

Very best of luck.