Marriage problems and a jumble of thoughts

[Girlonthehill]

18 months ago I posted on here that my husband And I were moving in with my parents to care for them. MUm has Lewy body,dad has had 2 strokes and at that point was waiting to have a hip,replaced which they wouldn't do till a year after his last stroke.

It has been tough, mum is hard to cope with, she has no idea that I am her daughter on most days I am about 4 different people when she tells me that young lady has just ...

Any way the problem is that after 18 months my husband says he can't cope anymore. He does not want to be here, he hates his life, feels like he is living in an old peoples home.

This afternoon I told him to fuff off. I can't make him happy, I am not happy and that is what he also,uses to justify his feelings by saying I hate my life too. And maybe I do but I am an only child, I don't know what to do. We are both 61 this year, I resent not being able to do what I/we want to when we want to. I am so scared that by the time mum and dad either go into a home or die that I/we won't be able to enjoy our lives. Now dad has had his hip he is doing well physically but his mind is starting to wander and he doesn't retain information anymore. Mum can be the ***** from hell to me and dad. Where she got this temper from I have no idea - well I know it's the dementia.

I am not feeling sorry for myself, I just can't take anymore pressure from anyone else. I need his support. I know it's tough for him and he was great to agree to doing it in the first place but I don't know what to do. His idea is to put mum in a home, dad in sheltered accommodation and we get our life back. If only it was that easy!

I have never felt so much guilt in all my life. Guilty for being a bad wife, guilty for being a bad daughter, I also have a son and a 4 year old grandson who is my saving grace and I am still working.

I do not want to wish my parents dead tho in reality my mum is already dead and I can't grieve for her as I am so busy looking after this other old lady. I am sick of reading all these lovely poems about remember me and who I am. I wish I could remember mum as she was. I am starting to resent them both. Looking back if I knew then what I know I would never have done it but what was the alternative? Me continuing to rush between their house and ours worrying, sleeping with the phone by my bed. At least now I know I know where they are and that they are ok.

Some people seem to be able to detach themselves from all of this, I know people who seem to not care, people who live abroad and visit once a year.

I seem to be turning into someone I don't like very much.

This is a real jumble of thoughts - I won't apologise as I know I am not the only one out there feeling ****ed off, guilty and all other sorts of emotions.
Hugs to all in our situation x

 

[AlsoConfused]

You (and your husband) are stressed to hell, both thoroughly miserable by the way life is at present, you're feeling trapped and unsupported by your husband, your husband feels he's suggested a way out and you're refusing even to think about it ....

You're definitely not a bad daughter (though I think you may be right about having taken on more than you - and your family - can chew).

It seems to me that you MUST HAVE SOME TIME OFF - away from home - before you can even start to think sensibly about what to do next. Are there any family members or friends caring enough, strong enough and dementia knowledgeable enough to give you and your husband at least a weekend off in a B & B somewhere? Don't expect to enjoy the break - you probably won't - but hopefully it'll at least be a starting point to help you move on to a better future.

If there aren't any family members or friends who could take over for a weekend, try ringing the Duty Officer at Social Services and tell her / him you and your husband are very close to carer breakdown, you're reaching the state where you just want to walk out of the door and not come back ... could SS organise respite care for your parents just while you get your head together? SS won't help unless they feel the situation is desperate (there are just too many calls for help and too tight a budget) ...

 

[canary]

You said " I am so scared that by the time mum and dad either go into a home or die that I/we won't be able to enjoy our lives." and I wondered at what point you would consider a care home? What is your line in the sand?

Many people think that the time has come when it starts to affect their family and/or marriage. Your husband has reached carer breakdown and it sounds like you are close.

 

[Sam Luvit]

Hi Girlonthehill

I don't have much to offer, except an ear to listen, but I didn't want to read n run

You've been on here a while, so I'll assume you've got the LPA's, AA & had assessments done.

If your dad's mind is "starting to wonder" & he's not retaining information, has he been checked at the GP, Memory Clinic? Dies your mum need her assessment updating?

At the very least, you sound exhausted & near the end of your tether, you need to look at what is going to help you. Everyone talks about looking after your health as a carer, how you are no use to anyone if you get ill. It's very true

I get that getting in Carers or arranging respite is not easy, I told my mum I was getting a cleaner in to help me help her (and she was paying). No other way of selling it to her. Try it with your dad

You are not a bad daughter. You have moved in, taken care of them, how can that be a bad daughter?

You are not a bad wife, just an exhausted one, trying to juggle too many balls

Talk to your GP, tell him/her you are struggling, ask for help. Contact Adult Social Care & tell them. Take any bad all help they talk about.

You need to look after you, your husband is not being unfeeling, he us probably tired too.

Is the house theirs or yours? I ask because their are different rules regarding care fees which may apply as you say you will be 61 this year

The "invisibles" may be able to switch off their emotions, but the rest of us talk, cry, post on here, all of the above.

Keep posting, others will be along, with more knowledge of exactly what you can do, for now I just wanted to say, you are not alone

 

[HillyBilly]

His idea is to put mum in a home, dad in sheltered accommodation and we get our life back. If only it was that easy!

You poor thing, you sound shattered, emotionally and physically. And your husband too, who has made his feelings known.

I guess now is make or break time. You are important too. Your role in life is not as a carer to your parents. Unless you want it to be. You are also a wife, mother and grandmother, not to mention a person in your own right, with a right to a life.
Parents having to move on to sheltered or care home living is not the end of the world. No, it's not easy but it can still be "a good thing", for all involved. Please consider all the options out there, before something irrevocable is forced on you x

 

[Cat27]

My dad died back in October after a couple of years of hell. It strained my marriage lots of times.
IMO it's now time to put yourself, your marriage & your grandson higher up the priority list. You all matter.

Even when your parents are with care/sheltered you will still be there for them just differently.

 

[Chemmy]

Maybe it's time to sit down and consider what advice you would give to your son if he were in your shoes right now, living with - and resenting - looking after you and his dad with his marriage in tatters.

 

[AlsoConfused]

Hugs. You probably feel very isolated and unloved. I think the love is there still - you and your husband may be rowing but at least you're talking to each other and both aware of the others' feelings.

Your friends on TP want the best for you all too. Many TPers have already gone through the heartache you and your family have (or else expect it to land on them soon). We all struggle on as best we can. Ideally, we'd all hope to change things before they break us.

 

[Meppershall]

Hello girlonthehill x

I was at desperation point when I asked my brother for help, he hadn't been near my dad for 10 months. He flatly refused and I was broken by his repsonse. I struggled on for another 10 months trying to do everything for my dad and continue to keep myself going, working full time etc., and it was awful. I had to admit to myself that I couldn't go on, and after a crisis where my dad ended up in hospital and then moved to a nursing home I found myself being able to see some light at the end of the tunnel. Don't get me wrong, since he went to the NH it's still been stressful and a real battle but since being in there his condition has progressed and I know, with hand on heart, that he is in the right place - for both of us.

Please consider the options of NH/sheltered accommodation for your loved ones. It can be a lengthy process sorting these things, so at least if you start to think about it now, even if this isn't the right time, you will be better prepared in the future.

I think you have done more than enough, time to start thinking about yourself and your lovely family. Take care xxx

 

[Georgina63]

Crikey, what a lot to contend with. I'm not sure I have much to add other than to echo much of what has been said already. Time to take a step back and take stock. There is plenty of your life left to be enjoyed, which you should not jeopardise. You can still be there for your parents, but with the right care in place so that you are able to live your life too, and not feel guilty about it. Sending you call the very best wishes. Georgina x

 

[Hill Man]

Imagine that I'm running a care home. I have one client with significant cognitive needs and another who is elderly and frail.

To care for them I've hired just two people who are keen but inexperienced

They are close to retirement age

They have no specialist training

Extra support are not available

I've scheduled them to work 7 days a week, and be on call all day

I've forgotten to give them holidays, or days off, or even regular breaks

tell me, am I a good boss?

 

[Witzend]

I'm a bloke, I spent a few nights in my Mothers house when she was home for two weeks last year between Hospital and Mental Health Institution. It was hell. I can only imagine the horror of living with someone else's parents with Dementia.

I have kept my wife out of the whole situation. She has valiantly pitched in when asked spending many hours cleaning and tidying my Mums house, taking her shopping and so on. However its the siblings that do the bulk of the visiting, meetings, hospital visits. Other half's are largely excluded for their own protection.
My OH has enough to deal with me, there is no way I an jeopardizing my marriage!
So this is a personal view only. Get your Mother into a home and your Father into sheltered ASAP.
Oh and I think you may have lost a little perspective on the way. Your husband is a Saint for even agreeing to move in with your parents. I am in awe of his feelings for you as few husbands would ever have agreed to this! There is no way on earth that I would ever have moved in with my Mother, or my OH to look after her parents.
Don't sacrifice your life and relationship.

I think you should see your GP and get some help. I did. Helped a great deal.

I have to agree.

We had my FiL with dementia living with us for over a year before he went into a care home. That experience was often extremely difficult - furious rages, up and down half the night, refusal to wash, etc., not to mention the same questions over and over - the only time I actually counted it was 35 times in one hour. My dh was away an awful lot for work and by the end of it I was frankly stressed and exhausted out of my mind.

So when it came to my mother a few years later there was absolutely no way I was doing it again - if that makes me selfish so be it - and there was equally absolutely no way I would have expected my dh to move in with her. I supported her at home as best I could for some years, lots of visits and 'sleepovers' - until it was crystal clear that she was in need of 24/7 care and supervision, which meant a care home. And TBH, as so often, we should have done it a bit sooner.

 

[Marcelle123]

I can only take my hat off to you & your husband for doing so much.

My mother lived three doors away so we were able to see her a lot & do a lot for her, but every time I wondered about whether I could take her into my home, I realised that I could not. It would put intolerable pressure on me - I had a nervous breakdown in the past - and it would make my husband miserable & probably ill too as he has a kidney condition which seems vulnerable to stress. We have no children and are truly soul-mates & I just couldn't bear to give that life away.

If it were me, I'd want to save my marriage & would take the 'care' option. But it is not me and every situation is different. The posters above me have made some very good suggestions about taking a step back, you & your husband going away, and getting help from your GP and social services.

You do need space & rest and time to yourself. You are being 'thronged' out of existence and you and your OH have acted nobly, beyond the call of duty. Neither of you have anything to reproach yourselves for.

It was feeling the pressure of conflicting demands that led to my breakdown as a young woman. Ever since, I have tried to reason out what is for the best and take that path without regrets.
Far easier said than done!

I do feel for you & pray that you'll find some clarity and relief.
Very best wishes,
Marcelle xx

 

[Trisha4]

Hi girl. We can't afford to wait to have our lives. I agree with the sentiments expressed on here. You're not a bad daughter, you are amazing. You're not a bad wife, just one stretched to breaking. But I agree you have to put your husband, your marriage and yourself into the top spot and make decisions to protect them. Talk to social services, look at appropriate care homes for Mum and care home or sheltered accommodation for Dad. You will be no good to anyone if you burn out completely. My thoughts and best wishes are with you.


Sent from my iPad using Talking Point

 

[anita1780]

You sound like a very good daughter and definitely your husband is a very good man to accept living with your parents , sounds like you both are very tired, please don't feel guilty


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[Girlonthehill]

thanks

thanks everyone for all your kind thoughts, words and suggestions. Hubby and I are now talking 'exit strategy' it won't happen overnight but it will happen.

tonight has been another awful evening. If I could laugh I would. Mum has decided she is in charge so has been going round turning off all the lights - even in the rooms we are sitting in, telling us to go to bed (6.30) she can't afford to pay the electricity!

everything belongs to her and we should not be there. when I turned the light back she shouted and shouted at me, I walked away she followed. the sarcasm is unbelievable. what part of that demented brain thinks up these things. she has this awful look on her face.

I told dad tonight that I can't do this anymore then 2 hours later she is back to being a sweet old lady and apologising if she said anything she shouldn't have - how did she know? sometimes I think it is all just an act! but I know its not.
she has turned into a drama queen.

so sad cos I am beginning to hate this old lady who is not my mum.

let's see where we go from here xx

 

[AlsoConfused]

It will get better, girlonthehill. It's not your mum you're beginning to hate, it's the hell you're going through with her.