Newbie need some help on relationship with sister

[Tillyann]

I'm a new member care for my mum who has VD I finding my way through the social care but my main problem is with my sister. We are just on opposite sides of the page. I cant see any way through it with her.
She was to check on mum while i had a short break this Friday to Sunday in Blackpool! 2days, first time in over a year I've had a day off. on Saturday she started ringing and texting me as mum not answering her phone. I replied saying she has probs unplugged the phone as she is doing it to everything. Got responses 'I'm unhelpful ' and difficult to deal with. This is after i said she should of dealt with the situation and not contact me. Wkend ruined came home last night stressed and my sister feeling sorry for herself. Got txt saying 'im doing my best ' I'm at the point of cutting my ties with her. This was the first away time for me in over a year. BTW sis goes away 4xs a year abroad and has no contact with mum apart from the odd visit each month. I'm looking for peace of mind. She doesnt seem to grasp how mum is now, I'm sad in away that we are drifting apart. We have never been close but things had improved until this year when I've been left to do everything thing for mum even moving here to a ground floor flat on my own. I live on my own have no support so this is a good place for me to unload. [emoji68]*[emoji335]



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[Bod]

Hi
Rants R us!

In dealing with your sister, there is 2 ways to go.

1. Education. Show/teach her what support you and mother need, from her and life in general. Get her reading this forum.

2. Tell her to go away, and stay away, leaving everything to you. That way you do not get the grief of her telling you what you should be doing/not doing. It's entirely in your control, hard work, but preferable to sibling "help" as many here will agree.

Get Power of Attorney it will help. (fewer attorneys the better)


Bod

 

[Tin]

Hi Tillyanne, I no longer take breaks, not that I ever really did. On the one or two occasions that I tried to, just got pestered by phone and emails and I was only looking for over night breaks!. My return home was just so stressed out decided no more, at my age and being mum's carer decided I did not need all that extra hassle. I am forever surprised that with all the information out there and probably every family is affected in some way by Dementia, yet they do not understand and siblings seem to be an ongoing hassle/burden. Of all the people you would think that they would get their act together and support the carer.

Sorry, no real advice except maybe to suggest that next time you plan to take a break, it might be best to look to a close friend to help out, especially if your mother is still independent and not requiring 24 hour care.

Welcome to Talking Point.

 

[Shedrech]

hi Tillyann
welcome to TP - Bod is right, it's THE place for a good old rant to offload ...
I doubt you'll change your sister; I doubt she'll come to realise exactly how much you do for your mum; so maybe, tough as it is, just accept that she'll never give more than she does and carry on regardless - so you've effectively cut ties but haven't officially said so to her, so she believes there's no rift - I'm suggesting this path of least resistance as I've fallen out with a sibling (and yes, I'm the 'unhelpful' one) and it's NOT a situation I'd wish on anyone
in previous posts you say you live 40mins from your 90+ yr old mum, whom you'd just moved to a ground floor flat, and you were organising home care visits; I hope they are in place now - and I hope you aren't visiting every day; I am assuming you go often as you asked your sister to step in for such a short break
when you go away again (and I recommend you do as you need breaks and holidays) either organise a respite stay for your mum, or a live in carer or leave your sister a manual listing all the little problems you deal with and your solutions (she won't like that, but it should stop the silly phone calls) - if she does call, take a deep breath before accepting the call, just answer the question in a neutral voice with no other comment, say goodbye then let off steam and carry on with your holiday ...
have you got POAs in place? if not, is it still possible to do these? they will give you the legal authority to deal with your mother's affairs - if you and your sister are to be Attorneys, sounds as though you will need to be 'joint and several' or have you as Attorney and your sister as the replacement should anything happen to you
if you are so concerned about your mum and have no real support yourself, is it time to consider moving her to full time care - that way she will be looked after all day every day and you will be able to carry on with your life, visiting her regularly but with no worries about going away when you want to; and your sister will be able to visit her without needing you at the end of the phone
best wishes

 

[Tillyann]

Thank you all for the support, Its been a good help to me and a relief to be understood. some of the things mentioned i have come to realise. Ive tried the division of roles and delegating wellbeing p'calls on sisters days off, it all backfired on me and she didn't take it well. 'Im controlling and bossy? I'm very practical and a problem solver. I've texted to say no more txt or pcalls only face to face discussions going forward.
I have POA for both just waiting for the docs to arrive.
I've asked for a review of my assessment by SW she was reluctant but I pushed for it. So that's this Friday. Also got Assessement for mum for extra care housing on Friday.
Told SW I needed an emergency plan she just said in that instance mum would be referred to S S , insisted on a plan so will get it sorted Friday.
I've been referred for counselling.
With my work and previous marriage I have lost all friends and contacts. I live were I moved to for work I took early retirement and don't have contact with work friends, I have a friend I met at the W I a few years ago but she isn't in a position to help practically but does support me and we have days out together. My cousin is a good support. she cared for my mums twin who passed in June'16 her mum had Dementia also.
I'm trying to build a social life again but it's very difficult atm
The best option is the extra care housing that will make a massive difference to me and mum. And give me time to review my situation, do I go back to part time work or do something that I'm interested in and gives me fulfilment. Time for all that when mum is sorted. Thank you all again [emoji4]


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[Tillyann]

CARERS didn't work out, got another agency but on waiting list as very popular hopefully not too much longer to wait.


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[Morty]

Great job your doing so far with your mum
If any family are stressing you ,just tell them to stop contacting you if they dont want to get involved etc
Had to cut ties here with 2sisters and a brother,had enough of them projecting thier owm guilt on me,felt like a little weight of my shoulders,your the prime carer and you dont have time or energy for awkward family members who just cant or wont comprehend.

 

[Tillyann]

Great job your doing so far with your mum
If any family are stressing you ,just tell them to stop contacting you if they dont want to get involved etc
Had to cut ties here with 2sisters and a brother,had enough of them projecting thier owm guilt on me,felt like a little weight of my shoulders,your the prime carer and you dont have time or energy for awkward family members who just cant or wont comprehend.

I think you have summed it up 'guilt'
And can't or won't comprehend.
Mum is easy compared to her dramas.
Thanks and best wishes to all



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[Georgina63]

Hi tillyann, just sending a sympathetic hug and to say sorry, it's so hard when you don't get on with your sibling. Unfortunately I've been in a similar situation, and whilst sad and unpleasant, I found it easier to just try to get on with things on my own. It's stressful enough caring for parents, without being undermined or not supported. I found the suport of other family, friends, TP and other professionals, of much more help. Good luck. Gx

 

[Georgina63]

Great job your doing so far with your mum
If any family are stressing you ,just tell them to stop contacting you if they dont want to get involved etc
Had to cut ties here with 2sisters and a brother,had enough of them projecting thier owm guilt on me,felt like a little weight of my shoulders,your the prime carer and you dont have time or energy for awkward family members who just cant or wont comprehend.

Well said Morty. Hard as it is, sometimes for self preservation this has to be done, hard as it is. Hope all's well with you. Gx

 

[fredsnail]

Well said Morty. Hard as it is, sometimes for self preservation this has to be done, hard as it is. Hope all's well with you. Gx

Another vote for cutting ties, they will never understand you're point of view - only that they're not getting the responses they think they're entitled to.

Our cut off invisible only used to visit her father twice a year for 2 days if that, but had more than 4 holidays a year (normally 2 or 3 abroad), but would phone us demanding various things, and why was he like this, why didn't we do this ......

It caused lingering anger and resentment that would take days or weeks to subside, and even now 3 years later, if I think of her I still get those feelings back - so I try not to allow myself to think of her because I'm better than that and I have no wish to feel like that.

You have enough on your plate coping with your loved one, without firefighting someone who will never appreciate everything you do.

 

[Tillyann]

I feel much better now after reading all your kind words of understanding and support. I had started to question my self as i am stressed etc. I'm just leaving it with her. I have LPOA mums Will is sorted, I'm pushing for the extra care housing , we have come a long way and it's no thanks to anyone else. Thank goodness for TP


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[Greycardi]

I feel for you Tillyann, I have the same problem with siblings who can't be bothered to visit themselves even when my parents are having terrible problems but take everything I do to help my parents as an affront. The first thought that enters my head before any action I take to help parents is, 'who is going to complain about this?'. I still have not worked out the best approach to dealing with them so I can't offer great advice but wish you all the best with your situation.

 

[Hillymon]

Relationship with sister

Hi there fulltime. I have joined TP having read about your problems I wanted to say thank you. I experienced some of this when caring for my Dad who subsequently died. I looked after him at home with no help from my brothers. I am a qualified nurse with years of experience and qualifications. I was extremely close to my Dad,went to all his medical appointments with him saw him every day did all the shopping when he had to give up driving ( I don't drive so was catching busses) my brother who is retired did nothing for them at all,ever) When my Dad went into hospital I knew he was going to die. I waited for the Dr to talk to us all and asked if I could take him home to die. My brother told me to back off, I wasn't his nurse?????! I ended up collapsing with exhaustion. I used to go to the hospital at night so that I could help him with things. He was on an exceptionally busy ward,very understaffed. When I did that my brother and mother wouldn't speak tome or even acknowledge me. I did it for my Dad and he welcomed it. Now he has gone and my brother expects me to do everything for my mum who is ill. I've told him to get on with it as I'm working again ( I wasn't when my Dad was ill) All family have skeletons in their cupboard, mine certainly do,they will never be discussed. Suffice to say I continue to do what I feel is right for me! I will not be told what to do by people who don't know what they are talking about and are quite honestly jealous and nasty. That includes my own Mum. My advice hold your head up high, do your best,not what someone else thinks you should do and remember they could not walk a mile in your shoes! You are doing a great job you should be PROUD xxxx