I am at my wits end, I just don't know what to do. My 92 year old Mum was diagnosed with vascular dementia 2 years ago but goes for 30 mins walks each day, can walk up a hill without stopping and has conversations, laughs and is in good health. Sometimes she can get confused when she hasn't taken her supplements. She is on no drugs just levothyroxine for low thyroid which can cause memory problems. Mum has always taken supplements for her and family's health. I live 15 miles from Mum, she now has carers coming in to get her out of bed and give her breakfast and a quick call late afternoon. I give her lunch, and take her for a walk and do her washing, cleaning etc. I also have 2 teenagers to support and my husband walked out in 2013 and doesn't pay maintenance and I had a heart attack in 2014. I visit Mum 6 days a week. I don't have any possibility of getting a job, I am 59. I keep receipts for everything but I usually buy her supplements out of my own money as my brother doesn't believe in voodoo and black magic. I know when Mum doesn't have her supplements as she might be confused the next day and keeps repeating herself, other days she is fine. I pay most of the fuel myself, and other things when we go out. Mum wanted to go away to Warners last year but I was told she can't because it was not allowed. I am at my wits end, I am now 3 months behind on my mortgage, I am wiped out, I am so tired when I get home. How are we supposed to survive on nothing. The carers get paid a living wage, why can't we be paid the same. I am so infuriated by it, I could care for someone else but not my own family. How is this right? Its really getting me down and I am so worried, I put on a happy face when Mum asks if I am ok but deep down I am screaming. My brother wants me to be joint POA and says I have to keep all receipts and I can't get any pay. I have enough on my plate and my own affairs without more paperwork and worry. I can't get carers allowance, it goes towards the carers or something like that, its all confusing as I also have hypothyroid to contend with. Sometimes I think Mum's memory is better than mine! Family carers are treated badly, so much for the living wage, it doesn't apply to us! Even Mum's National Trust membership was stopped. She wanted to enjoy her last years, I take her out when I can afford it and she allowed to have a pub meal sometimes. I have to guide her towards a meal deal if we are out and sit in the car. How is this right?
Caring for Mum is putting me into financial trouble, 3 months behind on mortgage now
- Thread starter Dramlouie
- Start date
She has been assessed, not sure about me I can't remember what has gone on anymore, Mum has a small income but don't know anything about it.
Your Mum should be getting attendance allowance and a pension and she should be exempted from paying council tax. It would be a sensible thing for you to have PoA as then you could use her money to pay the bills - you should not be expected to pay them from your own money. As you dont have a job, you should be eligible for carers allowance.
You urgently need to get advice from Age UK, The Alzheimers Society or the Citizens Advice Bureau. You should not be under this much stress - these societys can tell you what help you are entitled to and how to get it.
You urgently need to get advice from Age UK, The Alzheimers Society or the Citizens Advice Bureau. You should not be under this much stress - these societys can tell you what help you are entitled to and how to get it.
hello Dramlouie
you're in a very tricky position, it's no wonder you're feeling overwhelmed
the folk on the AS helpline have a lot of info and may well be able to help, do give them a call as it'll help to talk with someone
as your mum already has some home care visits, I guess you have been in contact with her Local Authority Adult Services - it's time to ask for a re-assessment of her care needs - more visits and a new care plan, with hopefully some days at a day care centre, will free up some of your time and energy; you'll know your mum is looked after and be able to concentrate on your situation - make sure you let SS know that you are just not able to sustain the level of care you provide as it's having a massive impact on your own health and welfare
the care plan may be altered to include cleaning and washing, some LA's allow this - if not, have your mum employ a cleaner to do those things - it will give her a bit of company and get those tasks done - giving you time - and saving a 15 mile journey, the costs of which add up if you are going every day!
your own health problems are telling you that you do need to change something - maybe have a chat with your GP about all this; there may be help for you eg some counselling to talk it all through
everything that is for your mum alone should be paid for by her - you simply cannot continue to pay for her - I am assuming she has an income of her own, possibly savings - if you go out, halve everything - dad and I used to love picnics, so I took a flask and sandwiches when we went out; even having those in the car in front of a lovely view was a treat (we did this when I was a child, so brought back happy memories)
Citizens Advice will be able to help you with financial planning and debt management - and please contact your mortgage company; they are much more likely to re-organise your mortgage and be supportive if you let them know you are having difficulties, with paying the monthly amount, earlier rather than getting into huge debt - they are used to sorting out such situations
you can earn £110 and still claim Carer's Allowance - so hard as it is to accept, maybe take on a part-time job eg cleaning or even as a paid carer (you can put all your experience with your mum to good use) - it's one thing getting angry that family carers don't get paid, but you need an income now
it may be wise to be an Attorney for your mum with your brother (I suggest jointly and severally, rather than only jointly) as if you don't, he has the legal authority to take on her affairs if/when the time comes and can act on his own - there is very little paperwork involved (it's not the same as being a Deputy), and you will have a say in how your mum's affairs are handled should she no longer have capacity - the costs of setting up the POAs are paid by your mum not you
personally, I am concerned about the supplements - they are expensive, especially if your mum is taking a lot - and it's odd that you think you see a difference in her if she doesn't take them - as she is on a prescribed medication, I hope her GP knows all about every supplement she takes; if not, do let them know, just in case there is anything that shouldn't be mixed with her meds - also explain to the GP the difference when your mum isn't taking the supplements, for the GP to consider
I don't understand why you can't get Carer's Allowance - it is an allowance for the carer, you, it does not go to your mum - £60ish a week isn't a lot but it would help you out - I assume your mum receives Attendance Allowance (if not get that organised asap; if she is having those home care visits, she will qualify; and AGEUK or CAB can help you fill out the forms) if she does, then you can claim CA
also, your mum, in view of her diagnosis, qualifies for a disregard of her council tax, so contact the council if she hasn't already - the money saved will help fund her care - maybe ask whether carers qualify for any discount too
you've mentioned payments your mum is not 'allowed' to make - her money is her own, she can spend it as she wishes; who is telling her and you that something isn't allowed?
I've gone on enough
I'm glad you came to TP to get things off your chest - that's a good first step - next is to contact the AS helpline, your mortgage company and CAB - maybe do one a day over the next few days so that you've talked to them all by the weekend
and let us know how you go on
best wishes
you're in a very tricky position, it's no wonder you're feeling overwhelmed
the folk on the AS helpline have a lot of info and may well be able to help, do give them a call as it'll help to talk with someone
as your mum already has some home care visits, I guess you have been in contact with her Local Authority Adult Services - it's time to ask for a re-assessment of her care needs - more visits and a new care plan, with hopefully some days at a day care centre, will free up some of your time and energy; you'll know your mum is looked after and be able to concentrate on your situation - make sure you let SS know that you are just not able to sustain the level of care you provide as it's having a massive impact on your own health and welfare
the care plan may be altered to include cleaning and washing, some LA's allow this - if not, have your mum employ a cleaner to do those things - it will give her a bit of company and get those tasks done - giving you time - and saving a 15 mile journey, the costs of which add up if you are going every day!
your own health problems are telling you that you do need to change something - maybe have a chat with your GP about all this; there may be help for you eg some counselling to talk it all through
everything that is for your mum alone should be paid for by her - you simply cannot continue to pay for her - I am assuming she has an income of her own, possibly savings - if you go out, halve everything - dad and I used to love picnics, so I took a flask and sandwiches when we went out; even having those in the car in front of a lovely view was a treat (we did this when I was a child, so brought back happy memories)
Citizens Advice will be able to help you with financial planning and debt management - and please contact your mortgage company; they are much more likely to re-organise your mortgage and be supportive if you let them know you are having difficulties, with paying the monthly amount, earlier rather than getting into huge debt - they are used to sorting out such situations
you can earn £110 and still claim Carer's Allowance - so hard as it is to accept, maybe take on a part-time job eg cleaning or even as a paid carer (you can put all your experience with your mum to good use) - it's one thing getting angry that family carers don't get paid, but you need an income now
it may be wise to be an Attorney for your mum with your brother (I suggest jointly and severally, rather than only jointly) as if you don't, he has the legal authority to take on her affairs if/when the time comes and can act on his own - there is very little paperwork involved (it's not the same as being a Deputy), and you will have a say in how your mum's affairs are handled should she no longer have capacity - the costs of setting up the POAs are paid by your mum not you
personally, I am concerned about the supplements - they are expensive, especially if your mum is taking a lot - and it's odd that you think you see a difference in her if she doesn't take them - as she is on a prescribed medication, I hope her GP knows all about every supplement she takes; if not, do let them know, just in case there is anything that shouldn't be mixed with her meds - also explain to the GP the difference when your mum isn't taking the supplements, for the GP to consider
I don't understand why you can't get Carer's Allowance - it is an allowance for the carer, you, it does not go to your mum - £60ish a week isn't a lot but it would help you out - I assume your mum receives Attendance Allowance (if not get that organised asap; if she is having those home care visits, she will qualify; and AGEUK or CAB can help you fill out the forms) if she does, then you can claim CA
also, your mum, in view of her diagnosis, qualifies for a disregard of her council tax, so contact the council if she hasn't already - the money saved will help fund her care - maybe ask whether carers qualify for any discount too
you've mentioned payments your mum is not 'allowed' to make - her money is her own, she can spend it as she wishes; who is telling her and you that something isn't allowed?
I've gone on enough
I'm glad you came to TP to get things off your chest - that's a good first step - next is to contact the AS helpline, your mortgage company and CAB - maybe do one a day over the next few days so that you've talked to them all by the weekend
and let us know how you go on
best wishes
hi again Dramlouie
some useful links =
AgeUK on Attendance Allowance
http://www.ageuk.org.uk/money-matters/claiming-benefits/attendance-allowance/what-is-attendance-allowance/
the Government page to organise AA
https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance/overview
CAB
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/
Carer's Allowance
https://www.gov.uk/carers-allowance/how-to-claim
mortgage payment problems
https://www.nidirect.gov.uk/articles/mortgage-arrears-or-payment-difficulties
NHS on supplements
http://www.nhs.uk/chq/pages/1122.aspx?categoryid=51
some useful links =
AgeUK on Attendance Allowance
http://www.ageuk.org.uk/money-matters/claiming-benefits/attendance-allowance/what-is-attendance-allowance/
the Government page to organise AA
https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance/overview
CAB
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/
Carer's Allowance
https://www.gov.uk/carers-allowance/how-to-claim
mortgage payment problems
https://www.nidirect.gov.uk/articles/mortgage-arrears-or-payment-difficulties
NHS on supplements
http://www.nhs.uk/chq/pages/1122.aspx?categoryid=51
While she could claim Carers Allowance she would be no better off as it would be deducted from her other benefits.
Fantastic amount of valuable information.
I agree w all of it and have experience on the Mortgage front- if you tell them you are experiencing financial difficulties they are duty bound to help you
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