Hello Sparklestars. What lovely help and support from oh knickers. Been thinking of you and am sooooo glad you have a week off coming up. Good idea to go away. Having had a crappy mother makes coping with the dementia advancing all the harder. I also aimed for civility and treating her fairly and justly. But (and what a big but!) your mother is not doing the same back, maybe never has done. After a flash of insight a couple of years ago I wondered if my mother had a problem with narcissism. I've looked into it, read quite a bit about it and concluded that she does have some kind of disorder, maybe even a personality disorder. Like you I can see/remember behaviour in her past which was so unkind, outrageously selfish, mean and cruel and because she has dementia I am supposed to blame the disease? That does not sit well with me. Sometimes yes, I can see she is scared and anxious but other times I see a mean old bat! It's then I reach for my rescue remedy as well! We plan to go away for a few days as well at half term, even though we can't really afford it. Just to get some headspace. I resent her, utterly! I resent the way I feel myself sucked dry by her mean snipes time after time. Sorry! This is turning into a mega rant about my mother and I fully intended trying to offer you support. I went to the coast with a friend today and poor woman had a mile of me blasting off about my mother into the cold wind. Helped to talk it out and not get judged at all. I wish there was a way of saying hello in person and giving you a real proper hug.
Just a thought for the future - when it is time for a care home make sure she is near her wonderful friends and supporters and nowhere near you! Self preservation!! x[emoji847]
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Hello Nut and thank you - you are absolutely right, Oh Knickers (I always chuckle typing that) has given me "lovely help and support" and I so appreciate you and everyone else who has held their hand out to me too
You must be psychic as I have (relatively recently) considered Mother may well be narcissistic and indeed, I considered the recent episode may well have had a fair amount of 'narcissistic rage' contained within it. I have long been of the belief she has some kind of personality disorder yes - but it had taken me many years to see through her.
I am sorry that you have also had such painful experiences with your Mom. I very much sympathise with how you feel in regards to her character and the dementia - it's such a conflicting 'tug of war' isn't it and I think resentment is pretty much unavoidable considering the history behind 'today'. At the moment I still feel quite 'sad' and battered but I imagine anger and resentment will not be far behind!! It took me a long time to get to a point where I had sufficient boundaries in place and could keep them reinforced in order to have some kind of contact with my Mother that didn't end up in damage to my own psyche. The latest episode completely blew them away and as I suspect it will be one of many I think I need to revisit my 'tool kit' of strategies as the encroaching dementia is going to mean I have to make some changes to how I deal with things I think. It is unfortunate isn't it that for some people it seems that dementia just amplifies the most unpleasant traits of their character.....wouldn't it be so much less painful to have a Mother who was just "pleasantly confused".
I'm so glad to hear you are also going away for a break - yes, there are times when even if you cannot really afford things you still just have to have them for the sake of your sanity! I like getting away as it reminds me that there's a whole big world out there and that life is a lot bigger than the current set of circumstances inside my fish bowl....I think everyone needs a reminder of that now and again.
How wonderful your day sounds...I would love, love, love to live near the coast - a beach with crashing waves is so soothing to a hurt or angry soul I think....the only thing that would make it perfect would be having a dog or two running alongside me (don't have one though)! I'm glad you have a friend such as that, how lucky....it helps so much if you have a 'safe place' to rant in. I think it can be the difference between being able to bend rather than break under pressure. I think I will look for a counsellor in due course as I am slowly realising how much baggage I carry (thanks again Mom!) and it is becoming rather heavy.
Thank you for the virtual hug and support anyway, the offer of support whether in 'real life' or virtual has kept me swimming and stopped me from drowning....especially knowing how many of us have to work through similar conflicting feelings and experiences
I will be very interested to see how many of her 'friends' are still around by the time she reaches the stage for a care home
- they are all very good and caring people, but surely everyone has their limits! Unfortunately, one of the friends lives very near and the other is only about 10 miles away - if one of them moves further out though I will be sure to consider it carefully lol.
Take care - and thank you
