Mother 'gone away' for the night?!

[sparklestars]

oh my sparklestars
is there another GP at the surgery who may take your, very real imo, concerns on board
to me what your mum has done is a form of the wandering we read a lot about on TP; that compulsion to go, go somewhere, go immediately, to find somewhere that is 'home', somewhere that is without the dementia (I appreciate your mum hasn't been diagnosed, but that is what you are fearing); the difference is that your mum is still physically able to drive the car so her wandering is not on foot, so could end up anywhere - this reads like an explanation many PWD can't give
sorry, not meaning to make things feel worse - her actions, are calling out for someone to help
if dementia is at play, your mum is one of those high functioning folk who sail through the 'mini' test but whose inabilities may well show up in the longer, more thorough testing, and with more careful questioning
any chance of rifling through her handbag for a key - would you be able to nick it, copy it (quick scoot out to get more milk) and get it back if someone else keeps her busy?
I don't blame the neighbour for wanting to step away - just wondering again; might he write out what he has noticed, what worries him as the person living next to your mum, so that you can pass this on to a GP and consultant Hopefully there will be one, one day) - it might make the GP think again - and your mum need never know
best wishes

Thank you Shedrech, I am sitting here in tears that at least someone else at least believes my concerns are very real. I am falling apart at the seams. It feels like everywhere I turn no one believes me or wants to listen. I never know 'who' my Mother is going to be from one day to the next. One day she acknowledges that perhaps she has a problem and is paranoid, the next day I am just a liar and a thief. I can't plan anything because anything I book with her agreement one day she is refusing to do and denying the next.

I had never thought of it as 'wandering' until you said but yes, absolutely yes - you are so right....that is exactly what she is trying to do....trying to find a place where she can run before it catches up with her....but of course it is with her all the time so she can never really outrun it.

I so agree - when she is not on a manic high then she is desperately calling out for help - but I can't get anyone to listen and I'm falling apart with trying I can't get hold of her key as the only time I can see her is when she comes to my place, I am here alone with my 9 year old, key cutting shops are miles away....I could never get hold of her bag and get out and back. I don't really even want to leave her alone here with my daughter anyway as I just don't know what might happen.

I went to speak to another friend of hers today - the one who lives near the hotel she ran away to spend the night at. We spent a long day talking, she realised already what was happening with my Mother. My Mother has said so many hideously awful things about me to her - all untrue of course - but oh, it hurts me so much....such awful things I know it's the 'illness' but it's still so, so painful even though I knew without being told what she'd be saying. She is totally and utterly obsessed with me and what I've 'apparently' been doing to her....equally obsessed with the love she has for my daughter. I'm scared. I'm really, really scared. I don't know what the heck to do.

I have phoned again this morning to try and speak to another GP. The one I want isn't in till Monday. I couldn't get the appointment that Mother had agreed to go to with me last night - to speak 'honestly' to the GP with her (well at least she did last night) - it was all booked up a month in advance and they don't book any further than that. They told me to phone Monday lunchtime and he might cancel another one to get us in if he feels it's urgent.

I spoke to Mother again today - she is back in 'wary and evasive' mode with me. I again suggested I could help her with banking, but she's having none of it. Oh, I forgot to say....last night it slipped out she'd invited some shady audiologist to the house as she 'thought' she needed hearing aids (she just needs her ear syringing) and he was quoting her over £5,000.00. It was only because she told him she didn't have the money on her that he walked away without it. Apparently she'd also told her friend this and her friend's husband went mad when he heard as he knows of this shady character and said he's a well known charlatan. Mother was also apparently asking her friend if I had a Power of Attorney and how she could "get if off me" if so - as I am clearly such an awful person.

I wish I could run away....I'm supposed to run my own life, work in a highly demanding job and look after my lovely little girl whilst sorting all this out on my own (I'm single). I feel like I am going to shatter into a million pieces.

Sorry for the massive monologue but I really am at breaking point

 

[Tin]

An obsession, usually one at a time, unfortunate that this one is about you, really feel for you. Is there any chance that friends husband could talk to your mum? She may be more susceptible to a man telling her things and maybe telling her what she should be doing, someone from her own generation. Is it possible??

I hate this illness and I've said this before, will say again "2 birds with one stone".

 

[canary]

((((hugs)))) sparklestars - I dont think anyone on here would disbelieve you. I would offer you the T-shirt, but Ive worn it out!

This in-between stage when their capacity and insight is fluctuating is so difficult. At this stage mum would be saying that she was so glad that I was looking after her and then - withing literally 30 seconds - she would be ordering me out of her house, accusing me of stealing from her and telling me never to set foot in it again. I ended up totally bewildered. She also had moments when she seemed to understand. I remember her ranting to me about the family who lived above her pinching all the hot water so that her shower was cold (she lived in a bungalow), then she paused and said that, actually it was probably her not working the shower right. Then she stopped, puzzled and said "but there isnt anyone living above me, is there?" When I agreed that there wasnt she said "oh, I get so confused sometimes". 5 mins later she was telling me how awful the family who lived above her was

I was beside myself with worry during this period and I had mums GP on my side! The GP your mum saw sounds pretty useless to me and I think it would be a very good idea to see another one.

 

[sparklestars]

An obsession, usually one at a time, unfortunate that this one is about you, really feel for you. Is there any chance that friends husband could talk to your mum? She may be more susceptible to a man telling her things and maybe telling her what she should be doing, someone from her own generation. Is it possible??

I hate this illness and I've said this before, will say again "2 birds with one stone".

Thank you for replying Tin - I don't know...maybe....this friend is already feeling quite frazzled (apparently Mother was there 6 hours crying and ranting to her - Mother told me she was there half an hour) and I don't want to put any extra pressure on her or her hubby. She only spoke to me on the understanding I never, ever let my Mother know - as she wants to 'be there' for my Mother and if Mother found out, she would never trust her again. I think you are right though, she would be far, far more inclined to listen to a man - thank you for that thought.

 

[sparklestars]

((((hugs)))) sparklestars - I dont think anyone on here would disbelieve you. I would offer you the T-shirt, but Ive worn it out!

This in-between stage when their capacity and insight is fluctuating is so difficult. At this stage mum would be saying that she was so glad that I was looking after her and then - withing literally 30 seconds - she would be ordering me out of her house, accusing me of stealing from her and telling me never to set foot in it again. I ended up totally bewildered. She also had moments when she seemed to understand. I remember her ranting to me about the family who lived above her pinching all the hot water so that her shower was cold (she lived in a bungalow), then she paused and said that, actually it was probably her not working the shower right. Then she stopped, puzzled and said "but there isnt anyone living above me, is there?" When I agreed that there wasnt she said "oh, I get so confused sometimes". 5 mins later she was telling me how awful the family who lived above her was

I was beside myself with worry during this period and I had mums GP on my side! The GP your mum saw sounds pretty useless to me and I think it would be a very good idea to see another one.

Thank you Canary, I think I would feel slightly better if the GP would accept what's happening or show any signs of believing me - even if there's nothing much they can do, just to have some validation would ease me a little at this time. It's so sad - reading your experience just makes me sad and the thing is I am not even that emotionally 'close' to my Mother - but the massive sense of responsibility and 'duty'....if I don't get something done no one will....not till she's running round stark naked at 2am knocking on everyone's doors till they call the Police....why oh why does it have to come to that before anyone will act?!

 

[Oh Knickers]

Oh dear

Oh dear, Sparklestars,

Bless you, you are thinking so hard to get the best outcome for your mum who, frankly, is being rather challenging. (This is the term used in schools for some teenager, having wielded a knife, turned up drunk or is smooching in the front of the class with their girl/boyfriend. Ex-teacher.)

It sounds as though some form of intervention is needed. Difficult though it is, try and piece together the diary of events. It sounds as though your mother's behaviour is reaching a crisis. Also, in terms of her behaviour, look at it as though she can't blame herself, knows there is something wrong so projects it all on to you. Whilst it feels it, it isn't personal, even though the b''&''er is telling everyone else you are to blame.

Once you have your diary, doesn't have to be detailed, give Alzheimer's Soc, or National Dementia Helpline, a call. They will give you guidance. What you are needing at the moment is a feeling of credibilty your mother's GP is not giving you. If you feel particulalry stroppy, you could call the GP practice manager even if it is only to find out who the Dementia specialist is in the practice. Not good to moan about GP but you can damn by faint praise. Appreciate they have to give do the best in terms of patient, however . . . . . . this has happened.

In terms of dealing with GPs and other organisations setting deadlines is good. Keep a note of whom you have spoken with, the date and time and their comments. Because, it sounds as though some of those comments are likely to turn round and bite them on the bum when the inevital crisis happens.

Whilst it is a pain in the proverbial, is there any chance of the friend or neighbour giving some notes of what has been occuring? Get guidance form Alzheimer's first and go from there.

Big {{{hug}}}.

 

[BR_ANA]

I wouldn't talk to GP about your concerna about your mother in front of her. I would write it and as for receptionist give to GP.

Talking in front of your mother would made her angrier with you.


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[sparklestars]

Oh dear, Sparklestars,

Bless you, you are thinking so hard to get the best outcome for your mum who, frankly, is being rather challenging. (This is the term used in schools for some teenager, having wielded a knife, turned up drunk or is smooching in the front of the class with their girl/boyfriend. Ex-teacher.)

It sounds as though some form of intervention is needed. Difficult though it is, try and piece together the diary of events. It sounds as though your mother's behaviour is reaching a crisis. Also, in terms of her behaviour, look at it as though she can't blame herself, knows there is something wrong so projects it all on to you. Whilst it feels it, it isn't personal, even though the b''&''er is telling everyone else you are to blame.

Once you have your diary, doesn't have to be detailed, give Alzheimer's Soc, or National Dementia Helpline, a call. They will give you guidance. What you are needing at the moment is a feeling of credibilty your mother's GP is not giving you. If you feel particulalry stroppy, you could call the GP practice manager even if it is only to find out who the Dementia specialist is in the practice. Not good to moan about GP but you can damn by faint praise. Appreciate they have to give do the best in terms of patient, however . . . . . . this has happened.

In terms of dealing with GPs and other organisations setting deadlines is good. Keep a note of whom you have spoken with, the date and time and their comments. Because, it sounds as though some of those comments are likely to turn round and bite them on the bum when the inevital crisis happens.

Whilst it is a pain in the proverbial, is there any chance of the friend or neighbour giving some notes of what has been occuring? Get guidance form Alzheimer's first and go from there.

Big {{{hug}}}.

Hi Oh Knickers - thank you for your reply. Yes indeed "challenging" it certainly is. I called the National Dementia Helpline a few days ago and they were very helpful....I'm just finding it hard to sit and wait when I can feel a crisis building

Mother is back in accusatory mode today anyway....I thought we had been making some headway....but it would appear not. I am struggling not to feel quite resentful/bitter about it myself today. I keep waiting for her to suddenly 'realise' that I have never and would never touch anything of hers.

She had previously agreed to go to the Doctors with me and be 'honest' about how she was feeling with them. Of course that is now out the window. I will still insist on seeing the other GP myself and making sure he knows exactly how the land lies.

I have spoken to another friend of hers today....she apparently has actually told my Mother "It's obvious you have some form of dementia" and had offered to go to the Memory Clinic with my Mother, if she booked an appointment. However, Mother agreeing to this and actually being prepared to go to the GP and tell them she has a problem is another thing.

There are a few people round Mother now (neighbour and two friends) who all know there is clearly a problem and are sure it is dementia - but all of them have only spoken to me on the understanding it is confidential. None of them want to come out in the open and tell anyone professional anything - though that is only because they don't want to risk upsetting my Mother if she finds out and ruining their relationship with her. I do understand that as I suppose they feel they'd be 'betraying' Mother but it does make it harder to get the GP to take me seriously sigh.

I already feel like this has taken over my life and this is only the start of things

 

[sparklestars]

I wouldn't talk to GP about your concerna about your mother in front of her. I would write it and as for receptionist give to GP.

Talking in front of your mother would made her angrier with you.


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No I was going to alert the GP first (again) on my own without Mother knowing, but then Mother had willingly agreed to go in (after) and tell the GP with me and talk to him honestly about how she was feeling. I would have been there just to 'fill in the gaps' for her if needed or remind her of things she had wanted to say and to have him know.

I have already written to the GP (another one in the practice) with my concerns and handed it in to the Receptionist. All that happened was he gave her a short 10 question memory test which she apparently passed and he then told her he was "signing her off" as she was 'fine'

 

[Spamar]

Is that what she said? It would be nice if the gp would tell you that's what was said!
I went to every consultation OH had re memory, so I actually absolutely knew what was said. Easier for me though, with OHs approval.

 

[sparklestars]

Is that what she said? It would be nice if the gp would tell you that's what was said!
I went to every consultation OH had re memory, so I actually absolutely knew what was said. Easier for me though, with OHs approval.

Yes she said that, but I do feel inclined to believe it to be honest. I took her for the same (short 10 question) memory test 2 years ago and she passed then as well (I was with her then) with I think 6/10. It's weird as she has a really bad short term memory - always forgetting and losing things - but I have heard of people 'studying' before these tests so maybe that's it? I agree though - it would be much more helpful if the GP would tell me what's said but I suppose it's 'confidentiality'

 

[canary]

My OH told me all sorts of things that the GP and the neurologist told him. I believed it 100% and got very confused. It was only later that I discovered that he had been telling the doctors that I wasnt concerned about anything and didnt see any problems (when I was actually very concerned) and was telling me that the doctors told him there was nothing wrong (when actually they could not believe that I wasnt concerned). It all came out at one appointment when I happened to be there and since then I have always made sure that I wasnt present.

BTW - 6/10 is not a pass - it is a cause for concern, and that was 2 years ago. I would definitely make sure that you go with her next time. Make any excuse you like, but make sure you are there.

 

[Oh Knickers]

Challenges

Hi Sparklestars,

Having read your reply to others posts you do now have enough evidence. This is:-

- your observations, (they are valid - they appear to be being ignored),
- your mother having gone and tried to find where 'home' is,
- repeat the conversations that neighbours have had with you - and the number of neighbours,
- raise the fact a neighbour has said your mum has had a Memory Clinic Appointment and missed it.

And then ask the GP why, for them, this is not raising concerns? It appears to be raising concerns amongst a lot of other people who have daily contact with your mother - never mind yourself. Could the practice explain their reasons? You could also raise derelicton of care of a vulnerable person.

Actually, having read through this there does appear to be some action being taken by the GPs ie the Memory Clinic. They are just not communicating with you. Might be worth raising that aspect. Has your mother said she does not want you involved? In which case, explain you are very much involved because you are ending up sorting her confusions and messes out and - most importantly - waiting for a major crisis. Crises are a bit like the No 69 bus - you wait for ages and then 4 come along at once.

Unhappily, you may be needing POA for Health and Welfare for doctors to include you. However, there must be a way round this. I can't believe the GPS want the care laid at their door of of complete responsibility of a dementia patient.

Perhaps, in view of the Memory Clinic being missed, it is back to Alzheimers and some good solid guidance on next steps.

It is this waiting which is horrendous. It is like seeing things in slow motion toppling over.

Best of luck.

 

[sparklestars]

Hi Sparklestars,

Having read your reply to others posts you do now have enough evidence. This is:-

- your observations, (they are valid - they appear to be being ignored),
- your mother having gone and tried to find where 'home' is,
- repeat the conversations that neighbours have had with you - and the number of neighbours,
- raise the fact a neighbour has said your mum has had a Memory Clinic Appointment and missed it.

And then ask the GP why, for them, this is not raising concerns? It appears to be raising concerns amongst a lot of other people who have daily contact with your mother - never mind yourself. Could the practice explain their reasons? You could also raise derelicton of care of a vulnerable person.

Actually, having read through this there does appear to be some action being taken by the GPs ie the Memory Clinic. They are just not communicating with you. Might be worth raising that aspect. Has your mother said she does not want you involved? In which case, explain you are very much involved because you are ending up sorting her confusions and messes out and - most importantly - waiting for a major crisis. Crises are a bit like the No 69 bus - you wait for ages and then 4 come along at once.

Unhappily, you may be needing POA for Health and Welfare for doctors to include you. However, there must be a way round this. I can't believe the GPS want the care laid at their door of of complete responsibility of a dementia patient.

Perhaps, in view of the Memory Clinic being missed, it is back to Alzheimers and some good solid guidance on next steps.

It is this waiting which is horrendous. It is like seeing things in slow motion toppling over.

Best of luck.

Hi Oh Knickers - thank you again for taking the time to post.

Sorry, I think the way I wrote it may have been confusing - Mother's friend offered to go to a Memory Clinic appointment with Mother if one got offered to her or if Mother asked the Doctor for one. She hasn't been offered one up till now (she was offered one 2 years ago when I went to the Dr's appointment with her - but at the time she said she "couldn't be bothered" going to it).

Thank you for the other points though - all very valid. I am indeed, as you say, waiting for a crisis to happen. Mother very clearly does not want me involved - despite the fact that for the last 4 years previous to this I have often intervened and been involved with health issues with her and with her full permission. The problem is that her decision making abilities now are affected by whatever is happening - she is making decisions that involve me using information that is delusional/untrue because of "all the things I have done" to her and the items I have "stolen" or "moved".

I will be contacting the GP again and insist on seeing a different GP on my own. I realise they can't give me information about Mother but they do have to give regard to the concerns I raise. I do also have the recordings of the relevant conversations I have had with her.

I believe (but am not sure) that the GP Surgery perhaps regard themselves as having discharged their duty because to them the façade she presents seems 'fine' and therefore whatever I say, if she is refuting it when asked by them, they decide they have no cause for concern as they are deciding she has 'capacity' (though I do not think they have done a full capacity assessment).

I am struggling to not feel bitter or resentful at all of this She seems so 'normal' when I talk to her but at the same time I'm aware that as soon as I'm gone she is immediately and incessantly saying such nasty things about me to everyone and anyone. I feel so unwell and the constant stress and worry is making me ill. If this is only the beginning I really don't know how I'm going to be able to cope with 'worse to come'....

 

[sparklestars]

My OH told me all sorts of things that the GP and the neurologist told him. I believed it 100% and got very confused. It was only later that I discovered that he had been telling the doctors that I wasnt concerned about anything and didnt see any problems (when I was actually very concerned) and was telling me that the doctors told him there was nothing wrong (when actually they could not believe that I wasnt concerned). It all came out at one appointment when I happened to be there and since then I have always made sure that I wasnt present.

BTW - 6/10 is not a pass - it is a cause for concern, and that was 2 years ago. I would definitely make sure that you go with her next time. Make any excuse you like, but make sure you are there.

Hi Canary - thank you for posting. Wow that must have been a shock! Mother has told other people around her, even the friends she 'trusts' (as opposed to myself who is clearly the Devil Child) that this is what the GP said....I imagine she would have told them the truth even if she wouldn't tell me. I don't 'think' she is delusional about that - at the moment, apart from memory problems, the main if not only paranoid delusion she has appears to obsessively revolve around me and my 'stealing' and all the other things I have 'done to her'. I can't go with her as she will not let me - well she will agree in conversation when I have explained why and is all enthusiastic and 'up for it' at me coming....but then overnight when the paranoia/delusions set in again, she changes her mind, refuses and becomes very 'cagey'.

I am annoyed to find we were told at the time 6/10 was quite normal "for her age" and made absolutely no mention of it being "a cause for concern" I will try and find if I made any notes of that time in case I have made a mistake but I felt sure it was 6/10.

 

[Nut]

Hello Sparklestars! While I don't feel I have much or any sensible advice to add I wanted to add a voice of support and validation. Your story is horrible and utterly believable. And above all the stress and anguish is awful to bear. You have my complete sympathy and probably that of everyone else on TP. My mother's GP was similarly utterly useless, had this cosy yuk thing with my Mum. She thought he was wonderful and he thought she was an intelligent, educated woman whose daughter was clearly exaggerating. I managed to go to a GP appointment with her, ostensibly about her thyroid (and oh how they missed the fact she was not taking it, how negligent they were, how much my Mum slept and slept) and then I raised my concern about her memory, saying Mum had repeatedly said she was worried (Mum " I HAVE NOT") but had been anxious about talking about it (Mum " I AM NOT ANXIOUS"). Mum and the GP did their sickly smiling at each other and he did the 10 question memory test on her. He fed her two other answers (e.g could the PM be David Cameron? (He was then)). It was shocking rubbish and was nowhere near an indicator of the progress of my Mum's difficulties. In the end I wrote a long long letter to him packed with every detail I could and asked him to take some action. What he did, without even calling me, was fax the letter to the memory clinic. My Mum had a call from them and went BALLISTIC. I trundled her through several 200 mile round trips taking her for a CT scan, appt with Nurse, blood test etc. She ended up so intensely furious with me, refusing medication or any help whatsoever, that I ended up having a breakdown. My family suffered and I only went to see my mother once in the following four months, and then I took my whole family as a protective wall. My mental health is still fragile so I have to be careful now how much I see my mum. I think my point in telling you all this is to ask you to factor yourself in, your health, your wellbeing, your sanity and your whole life. You are entitled to! And probably it is necessary if you are going to be able to be around for the long haul. The only eventual benefit to my/our whole sorry affair was being able to say she had a diagnosis on Attendance Allowance form, and that was two years later anyway.

If the GP won't play ball, or if no other GP will, then I might be inclined to put it in writing to them and take a massive step back. If your mother is deemed able to make her own unwise decisions then there is not a lot you can do, apart from making it clear that you have tried your utmost to help but your mother just won't let you. It's probably worth keeping the neighbours/friends in the loop. I really really get the anxiety about waiting for something to happen, waiting for a disaster or trauma. It might not, it might just go on as it is, unbearable as this is, with your mother's condition gradually declining until a referral can be made to social services for help. The new Care Act includes a section on safeguarding including self neglect. My mother eventually lost weight, self neglected, could no longer shop or prepare sandwiches and was a blooming worry. A close friend persuaded her to take out an LPA with my brother and I as attorneys (yes I have a brother, chocolate teapot he was then) on the grounds that she was doing it, they were both single women, educated and intelligent, it was prudent to do so, what would happen in they had a stroke? Etc. No mention of dementia. So she did it, thank heavens. Having LPA helped because we "installed" a carer to give us a breathing space while we worked out what to do. My mother loathed this and was furious with us. Gosh it was hard. My youngest was 9 1/2 when this happened. I haven't found much that helps explain what is happening to Granny, but both mine find it both bewildering, scary and sometimes (thank heavens) funny.

Mum is now in a care home, but that is another story! I wish you all the best. Keep posting to help you keep sane!


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[sparklestars]

She ended up so intensely furious with me, refusing medication or any help whatsoever, that I ended up having a breakdown. My family suffered and I only went to see my mother once in the following four months, and then I took my whole family as a protective wall. My mental health is still fragile so I have to be careful now how much I see my mum.

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Thank you Nut for sharing your experience with me - I am so sorry to hear of it and can well imagine what a hideous journey that must have been. Your words speak my exact fear - I struggle with anxiety and depression at times as it is and have long found my Mother to be a very 'difficult' person and the cause of great deal of hurt and upset to me over the years. I am glad you have made me stop and think about this though - I can feel myself plummeting downhill at a great speed.

I think that is exactly what would have happened if I had managed to get Mother into a GP's appointment with me - once there I feel certain she would have denied everything, even though she would have said she was willing to tell him (and would have been) at the time we had agreed it previously.

Thank you and I agree with what you suggest - I will have no choice I think but to 'step back' once I have sent one more long letter in to the GP practice and seen one more Doctor in the practice face to face to discuss. I simply don't see what else I can do and I think they will end up viewing me as some paranoid delusional character instead though I do have the recordings of my Mother talking as evidence if needs be. Infuriating that those lengths have been needed though.

It's funny as that is exactly what I was thinking with regards to Safeguarding - I can see nothing being done until she is either in such a state that self-neglect becomes too obvious for authorities to ignore, or she is going to end up repeatedly knocking on neighbours doors at 2am in a state of undress before they start calling the Police and any action is taken.

I know that she has agreed to allow one of her friends to go in and do some cleaning for her though (friend told me this in the strictest confidence) once or twice a week so at least 'someone' will be around to keep an eye on things.

Mother is supposed to be coming here 3 evenings a week for an hour or so, just so she can see my daughter (as I have stopped her collecting my daughter from after school club due to my concerns) as they do love each other. I think I am going to find that difficult as I live in a small maisonette so will 'have' to be in the room with her for some if not most of the time. I am struggling with the resentment I feel at how she's treating me....I do keep trying to remind myself it's the illness....but there are also slight 'shades' of how she has treated me in the past within it. I have found out long before now that she was saying some horrible things behind my back and going on and on about what I 'didn't' do for her - but never acknowledging what I did and had done.

It's so difficult as I have no one to talk or off load to - there is no other family, just me and my daughter and I don't have any friends that I can discuss it with either. I am very conscious of not boring/overloading the few I do have and they don't really have an understanding of the situation anyway.

 

[Oh Knickers]

Overload

Sparklestars,

My heart goes out to you. Please follow up what Nut has suggested and get distance. And, sadly, this may mean stopping your mum seeing your daughter. It really sounds as though you have been a very loyal and dutiful daughter to someone who has been a cantancerous bat. (Why beat about the bush?)

If it is now, or has been for some time, been affecting your health you owe it to your daughter to look after yourself. With all due respect, from what you are saying it sounds as though your mother has a support system in place. As such, give yourself the permisson to stand back.

Mother was extremely hard work. I won't go into her as a mother as it was dreadful.

Moving her from her home brought 3 of us to our knees healthwise. It took two years of negotiating over every scrap of paper going back over 40 years as to which could be thrown. Fighting over removing the lethal moss on the path to her door. Arguing over the need to move her. Diplomacy beyond, well beyond, the call of duty over sale of her massive stock of belongings. Sneaking in, when she was away on a cruise she couldn't even remember, to cut the hedges and overgrown trees so the house could be sold. And she moaned that too much had been cut off. I nearly took the hedge trimmer to her!

Since her move her dementia has speeded up. She is very content where she is - which, in itself, is nothing short of a miracle. Having been a total witch (or more accurately a similar word beginning with b)she is now rather pleasant. And this, frankly and oddly, is completely doing my head in.

Get yourself a big bottle of Rescue Remedy and take every day. Not the whole bottle, just the drops or you will really be off with the fairies! Get some fun things booked for you and your daughter and be unavailable for while. It is really sounding as though you need it. If you are not well who is going to look after your daughter? You also need to teach your daughter to look after herself by setting the example.

Crises will happen. Nevertheless, others around will be ready to alert the GP when the time comes. And step back and remind yourself how to breathe.

Part of this journey is letting go of the hopes and dreams you had over a relationship with your mother. And it is hard.

Big {{{hug}}.

 

[sparklestars]

Sparklestars,

My heart goes out to you. Please follow up what Nut has suggested and get distance. And, sadly, this may mean stopping your mum seeing your daughter. It really sounds as though you have been a very loyal and dutiful daughter to someone who has been a cantancerous bat. (Why beat about the bush?)

If it is now, or has been for some time, been affecting your health you owe it to your daughter to look after yourself. With all due respect, from what you are saying it sounds as though your mother has a support system in place. As such, give yourself the permisson to stand back.

Mother was extremely hard work. I won't go into her as a mother as it was dreadful.

Moving her from her home brought 3 of us to our knees healthwise. It took two years of negotiating over every scrap of paper going back over 40 years as to which could be thrown. Fighting over removing the lethal moss on the path to her door. Arguing over the need to move her. Diplomacy beyond, well beyond, the call of duty over sale of her massive stock of belongings. Sneaking in, when she was away on a cruise she couldn't even remember, to cut the hedges and overgrown trees so the house could be sold. And she moaned that too much had been cut off. I nearly took the hedge trimmer to her!

Since her move her dementia has speeded up. She is very content where she is - which, in itself, is nothing short of a miracle. Having been a total witch (or more accurately a similar word beginning with b)she is now rather pleasant. And this, frankly and oddly, is completely doing my head in.

Get yourself a big bottle of Rescue Remedy and take every day. Not the whole bottle, just the drops or you will really be off with the fairies! Get some fun things booked for you and your daughter and be unavailable for while. It is really sounding as though you need it. If you are not well who is going to look after your daughter? You also need to teach your daughter to look after herself by setting the example.

Crises will happen. Nevertheless, others around will be ready to alert the GP when the time comes. And step back and remind yourself how to breathe.

Part of this journey is letting go of the hopes and dreams you had over a relationship with your mother. And it is hard.

Big {{{hug}}.

Thank you Oh Knickers - and for the Big hug....I could do with one right now

I have been to see the GP for myself this morning as I am now feeling so unwell - he was very understanding and (reluctantly) prescribed me some anti-depressants. I am going to take a day or two to see if I can start to pull myself out of it alone first before taking them though. I also gave him another letter for the files with an update on Mother (the locks changed and accusations of stealing). He could not tell me anything of course due to Confidentiality but made some broad mentions (not specific to Mother) of people's behaviour and how it could also relate to their mental health or just having a manipulative personality - ha! Ain't that the truth

Your phrase "I won't go into her as a Mother as it was dreadful"....you don't need to....I utterly 'get it'.

I can imagine how it might feel that you find your Mother is now so much more pleasant where she is....I imagine it was a massive and wearing fight to get her to move in there....and that there is a wish that she was able to treat you then in the way she is able to treat you now...but now other people are experiencing her as a 'pleasant' person whereas you had all the c**p to put up with for years beforehand....?! Sigh.

I will try the Rescue Remedy thank you - actually I would welcome the chance to be 'away with the fairies' lol. I have booked the week off work for my daughter's half term holidays so I think I will make sure we go away....I need the space and distance!

You are totally right about Mother having people around her - actually, she has far more than me. I will try to just sit back and let things follow their course - as there seems to be nothing else to be done at present anyway.

I love your phrase "letting go of the hopes and dreams you had over a relationship with your mother"....but sadly I gave those up decades ago as an act of self-preservation. I settled for civility and just trying to be 'fair and just' - I think that's about the most I can manage.

Thank you Oh Knickers and everyone else who has been walking by my side and holding my hand. I really, really appreciate it - it's so lonely. xxx

 

[Oh Knickers]

Hugggggggss

Sparklestars,

Well done for doing everything you have done.

BTW, your GP has validated you and what you have been saying. He has let you know he can see your mum is manipulative. And is raving as a result of Dementia. Ball is now in his court - but he has let you know he is aware.

Step back and enjoy your daughter. Build some special memories with her. Have sleepovers for her - we used to call them 'Wake-overs' as no-one really slept. A Frozen party sounds a good start. Why? For absolutely NO reason other than it gives a chance to sing - actually - a very relevant song - 'Let it go' And enjoy!

Take care of yourself.