I'm new, I'm 20, I'm scared and I need help

[JAGUAR26]

Hi there,

I live with my parents and grandparents, and I have done all my life. We are so close, unlike most people I'm lucky enough to see my grandparents every day of my life, and so I notice when behaviour changes. I think my nan, let's call her Sam, has dementia/alzheimers. I started noticing it a few weeks before Christmas, then my mum confronted me about noticing it, then not long ago at the beginning of this year my granddad had finally noticed and asked me if I had too. We're all really worried about her and don't know what to do. She is my absolute world, and I feel so scared. She's always been stubborn so it would be really hard to tell her we have concerns, and I don't think she would go to the doctor. She's always said that the last thing she'd want in the world is this so we're also scared of breaking her heart. She's always had a bit of a temper that's just her personality, and her memory has never been great, but today for example she read the same 2 things out on her shopping list about 7 or 8 times in the space of 2 minutes. It's so worrying, we've always been such a close family I don't know what I'd do without her and I don't know how to cope with it. I feel so selfish when I get annoyed or upset but it's really affecting me, I can't stop crying at the minute and it's nearly 4AM. I've found some online tests from the US that help to test it but she'll know something's wrong if I give them to her. Please someone tell me what to do I just want to help my nanny.

Thank you x

 

[Saffie]

Oh dear, you sound terrified. I do hope you have managed to get back to sleep.
Welcome to TP. Others will be along soon with ideas to help but is there any way your grandmother can be persuaded to go to her doctor? Depending on your family's relationship with the GP, it might be possible for someone to alert him about your concerns and he could call her in for a routine checkup of some sort or another so she will not be suspicious or unnecessarily disturbed. He will not be able to discuss your Grandmother's condition with any one of you without her permission of course but there is nothing to stop him listening to you and taking action from what you say.
There are medications which can help in the early stages if this is Alzheimer's rather than Vascular dementia but the GP is really the first port of call .

This is a worrying time for you and your family but this is a wonderful forum and you will find lots of support here.

 

[HillyBilly]

You sound very concerned and caring. It's important to get a doctor involved somehow because there could be another underlying health issue, not dementia-related, that could be causing your Nan's problems.

 

[Cat27]

Welcome to TP

Can you or your grandad write to the GP detailing all your concerns & ask them to call grandma in for a routine check up?

 

[Oh Knickers]

Scared

Hi Jaguar 26

As a blood relative, you can inform your Nan's GP of your concerns. Ask your GP either for a home visit or to call her in for an assessment under an age-related check. If your GDad and Mum are taking not action, you are worried, give the GP the heads up.

You can phone Alzheimer's Soc for guidance and support. I have found them a sanity saver. They will be able to guide you and they have loads of local information.

Sorry, sounds a huge responsibility for someone your age.

Good luck and my thoughts are with you.

 

[Suzanna1969]

I echo what people have said above. The only thing I would say at this stage is that I also wrote to my Mum's GP and asked him to do some tests without going into detail what they were for. Like you I'd noticed changed in her memory and some of the things she'd suddenly come out with. At first I dismissed them because my Mum has always been a bit ditzy! But her mum had dementia and her sister has been in a home with Advanced Alzheimers for some years so I was on the look out for it too...

Anyway the tests were done and the GP assured me all was well. Thing is, the tests don't always show up issues in the early stages. Nearly 2 years after my initial email my Mum was diagnosed with Mixed Dementia.

So on the negative side if your lovely Nan DOES have dementia then it might not show up just yet as it sounds like it could be very early days (but it might, you just never know, depends on how she is the day she is tested too) but on the positive side it could well be several years before it really has much of an impact on her as a person and therefore your relationship.

So do follow the advice above but also try not to let your fears get in the way of you enjoying having your Nan around and the time you are spending with her in the here and now. Build up precious memories for the future and encourage your family to do the same. It sounds like you have a really wonderful environment where you can support each other so make sure that happens and TALK to each other, not only about how you're feeling but also to make plans for lovely times together.

It's easy to assume the worst and panic when Dementia rears its head and allow it to take over your life well before things get bad enough to make that necessary. Your reaction is totally normal, you're fearful and imagining massive changes happening in the very near future. That is usually NOT the case so think of things you can all do together as a family, take tons of photos, ask your Nan about the old days, her youth and all the naughty things she got up to (I bet she was a feisty one!) and just enjoy the now.

And get some sleeeeep! You'll be no help at all to anyone if you make yourself poorly worrying about things!

 

[bichonblitz]

Hi, your familys situation sounds so much like my family. My daughter is your age and we live with my mum who has undiagnosed dementia.. Getting her to the doctors is an impossible task, she's not too bad yet but as soon as I feel the times right I will write a letter to my doctor.. My daughter cannot handle the way her nan is and she is losing the relationship she once had with her. However I don't think my daughter is as caring as you, as she has went the other way and she tends not to communicate as much with her nan . It is a very scary situation for someone so young but your not alone and there is people out there to chat to. Getting your grandma to the doctors would be the best thing but I know first hand how difficult that can be and Like someone said above on a good day they might not pick up on anything.. dementia runs in my family and my gran had it, she had it for 7 years before it was obvious to the doctors. It's so much easier to notice someone's decline early on when you live with them. I noticed changes in my mother at 65 while no-one else noticed and they told me I was imagining things. My mum is 73 now and the decline has been so so slow. It's more obvious now to people but I've had 8 years before it has got to this stage and its still not to bad. Please try not to worry.

Sent from my HTC One M8s using Tapatalk

 

[JAGUAR26]

Oh dear, you sound terrified. I do hope you have managed to get back to sleep.
Welcome to TP. Others will be along soon with ideas to help but is there any way your grandmother can be persuaded to go to her doctor? Depending on your family's relationship with the GP, it might be possible for someone to alert him about your concerns and he could call her in for a routine checkup of some sort or another so she will not be suspicious or unnecessarily disturbed. He will not be able to discuss your Grandmother's condition with any one of you without her permission of course but there is nothing to stop him listening to you and taking action from what you say.
There are medications which can help in the early stages if this is Alzheimer's rather than Vascular dementia but the GP is really the first port of call .

This is a worrying time for you and your family but this is a wonderful forum and you will find lots of support here.

Thank you for your reply! Yeah I am terrified, after a little while I managed to sleep luckily. I don't think I can persuade her because she is so stubborn, but I think that's a good idea-talking to someone who can inconspicuously call her!! I found a couple of tests online but they're just so obvious I think she'd know something was up. Thank you for your kind words, I hope everything is okay with you and your family x

 

[JAGUAR26]

You sound very concerned and caring. It's important to get a doctor involved somehow because there could be another underlying health issue, not dementia-related, that could be causing your Nan's problems.

Thank you, I feel the same way but my granddad knows that she'd end up deeply depressed if she ever found out that she had this. But I really want to get a doctor involved I think it's the only way to resolve the issues-she had a major mood swing earlier and it's really affecting me, the nan I know and love doesn't have a massive temper like this and certainly doesn't call me what she has today.

Thank you so much x

 

[JAGUAR26]

Welcome to TP

Can you or your grandad write to the GP detailing all your concerns & ask them to call grandma in for a routine check up?

Hi! Thank you I might do that! I mentioned to her not so long ago when she found out her cousin had it that she should go for one as well but she seemed very adamant. I'm thinking though that if it's over the phone she might be more willing to talk to someone.

Thank you very much x

 

[JAGUAR26]

Hi Jaguar 26

As a blood relative, you can inform your Nan's GP of your concerns. Ask your GP either for a home visit or to call her in for an assessment under an age-related check. If your GDad and Mum are taking not action, you are worried, give the GP the heads up.

You can phone Alzheimer's Soc for guidance and support. I have found them a sanity saver. They will be able to guide you and they have loads of local information.

Sorry, sounds a huge responsibility for someone your age.

Good luck and my thoughts are with you.

Thank you, I was a bit concerned before that they wouldn't do anything because it's not coming from the horse's mouth, but a lot of people don't realise they're showing symptoms so someone has to speak up for them I guess! I haven't heard of the Alzheimer's Soc I will definitely get their number to talk to them. The mood swings are making me become hateful and driving me quite crazy and I really do need someone to talk too sometimes so I will give them a ring. Thank you so much for your kind words and advice and I hope that all is okay with you and your loved ones also x

 

[JAGUAR26]

I echo what people have said above. The only thing I would say at this stage is that I also wrote to my Mum's GP and asked him to do some tests without going into detail what they were for. Like you I'd noticed changed in her memory and some of the things she'd suddenly come out with. At first I dismissed them because my Mum has always been a bit ditzy! But her mum had dementia and her sister has been in a home with Advanced Alzheimers for some years so I was on the look out for it too...

Anyway the tests were done and the GP assured me all was well. Thing is, the tests don't always show up issues in the early stages. Nearly 2 years after my initial email my Mum was diagnosed with Mixed Dementia.

So on the negative side if your lovely Nan DOES have dementia then it might not show up just yet as it sounds like it could be very early days (but it might, you just never know, depends on how she is the day she is tested too) but on the positive side it could well be several years before it really has much of an impact on her as a person and therefore your relationship.

So do follow the advice above but also try not to let your fears get in the way of you enjoying having your Nan around and the time you are spending with her in the here and now. Build up precious memories for the future and encourage your family to do the same. It sounds like you have a really wonderful environment where you can support each other so make sure that happens and TALK to each other, not only about how you're feeling but also to make plans for lovely times together.

It's easy to assume the worst and panic when Dementia rears its head and allow it to take over your life well before things get bad enough to make that necessary. Your reaction is totally normal, you're fearful and imagining massive changes happening in the very near future. That is usually NOT the case so think of things you can all do together as a family, take tons of photos, ask your Nan about the old days, her youth and all the naughty things she got up to (I bet she was a feisty one!) and just enjoy the now.

And get some sleeeeep! You'll be no help at all to anyone if you make yourself poorly worrying about things!

Thank you so much this has been so relieving to read. It sounds like you were in exactly the same position as I am-like I said she has always had these traits and had a bit of a temper but never like this, it was easy to dismiss at first but as it gets worse the doubts are growing. I'm not even sure if she's registered to a doctor anymore so I will phone up and talk to mine. Thank you for being so comforting, I will try my hardest to do as you say and take full advantage of being the close family that we are, and you're right she was feisty, don't know if I can listen to her naughty antics without a drink in my hand!! This has been incredibly helpful thank you so so much, I hope you and Mum and all the family are well x

 

[JAGUAR26]

Hi, your familys situation sounds so much like my family. My daughter is your age and we live with my mum who has undiagnosed dementia.. Getting her to the doctors is an impossible task, she's not too bad yet but as soon as I feel the times right I will write a letter to my doctor.. My daughter cannot handle the way her nan is and she is losing the relationship she once had with her. However I don't think my daughter is as caring as you, as she has went the other way and she tends not to communicate as much with her nan . It is a very scary situation for someone so young but your not alone and there is people out there to chat to. Getting your grandma to the doctors would be the best thing but I know first hand how difficult that can be and Like someone said above on a good day they might not pick up on anything.. dementia runs in my family and my gran had it, she had it for 7 years before it was obvious to the doctors. It's so much easier to notice someone's decline early on when you live with them. I noticed changes in my mother at 65 while no-one else noticed and they told me I was imagining things. My mum is 73 now and the decline has been so so slow. It's more obvious now to people but I've had 8 years before it has got to this stage and its still not to bad. Please try not to worry.

Sent from my HTC One M8s using Tapatalk

Wow, we are pretty much exactly in the same situation. It's so strange how our lives seem to have panned out in the same way. Yes the doctors is the hard part of it all--she could have a broken leg and she'd still insist that she's fine; the amount of back troubles she has and yet she refuses to go-I guess we both know first hand the joys of a stubborn family member, although I'm quite the same! It sounds like your daughter might be pushing her away because she doesn't want to have to see her nan the way she is, as horrible as I feel I've considered moving away so that I don't have to 'deal with' it, but I realise that I want to be there for her through it all, and I couldn't leave my mum and granddad with it (hes 70, still working and has a heart condition, and my mum works nights so isn't with her a lot in the day). It's really comforting to hear that it's been years and years for you and she still isn't too bad-that really gives me hope. Thank you so much for your kind words and if you or your daughter ever wants to talk to someone I'm here, it might be good for her to speak to someone who's as new to this as she is. Thank you again xx

 

[bichonblitz]

Wow, we are pretty much exactly in the same situation. It's so strange how our lives seem to have panned out in the same way. Yes the doctors is the hard part of it all--she could have a broken leg and she'd still insist that she's fine; the amount of back troubles she has and yet she refuses to go-I guess we both know first hand the joys of a stubborn family member, although I'm quite the same! It sounds like your daughter might be pushing her away because she doesn't want to have to see her nan the way she is, as horrible as I feel I've considered moving away so that I don't have to 'deal with' it, but I realise that I want to be there for her through it all, and I couldn't leave my mum and granddad with it (hes 70, still working and has a heart condition, and my mum works nights so isn't with her a lot in the day). It's really comforting to hear that it's been years and years for you and she still isn't too bad-that really gives me hope. Thank you so much for your kind words and if you or your daughter ever wants to talk to someone I'm here, it might be good for her to speak to someone who's as new to this as she is. Thank you again xx

Thank you so much, you sound so much more grown up than my daughter. Its so sad that at your ages you are living in this situation. If you ever need to chat I'm also always here. I very much doubt my Jasmine (my daughter) will join this forum , she would rather bury her head in the sand at the minute, I don't really blame her,it's not her fault we've ended up in this situation.. always try and think positive . Xxx

Sent from my HTC One M8s using Tapatalk

 

[JAGUAR26]

Thank you so much, you sound so much more grown up than my daughter. Its so sad that at your ages you are living in this situation. If you ever need to chat I'm also always here. I very much doubt my Jasmine (my daughter) will join this forum , she would rather bury her head in the sand at the minute, I don't really blame her,it's not her fault we've ended up in this situation.. always try and think positive . Xxx

Sent from my HTC One M8s using Tapatalk

So strange that our names are virtually the same! Our lives are almost doubled with each other's! I don't know that I'm more grown up, I still have my moments where I forget I'm not 15 anymore and need to deal with life in an adult way ☹️Thank you so much for everything, the past couple of days I've been feeling much better thanks to you xxx

 

[BR_ANA]

There are some reversibles causes of dementia-like symptoms. That can be ruled out by a blood test. Write to her GP.




Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point